


Burn it to the ground.

by FoundHerselfInWonderland13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angry Dean Winchester, Bad Parenting, Based on a book I read years ago, Bisexual Dean, Broken Families, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Bonding, Caring Castiel, Caring Sam, Castiel comforting Dean, Cheesy, Cliche, Daddy Issues, Dean Being an Asshole, Dean Being an Idiot, Dean Needs A Hug, Dean Needs Castiel, Dean Needs Love, Dean Needs to Use His Words, Dean hates John, Dean just wants someone to understand, England Uk, Eventual Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eventual Fluff, F/F, F/M, Family Angst, Family Drama, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Home schooling, Hurt Dean Winchester, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Kisses, M/M, My First Destiel Fanfic, Possible smut later on, Post-Divorce, Protective Castiel, Running Away, Sam is a Good Brother, Sam is a Sweetheart, Scarlett by Cathy Cassidy, Seaside, Snarky Dean Winchester, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Teen Angst, Teenage Castiel/Teenage Dean Winchester, Trust Issues, Walks On The Beach, camp out on the beach, eventual cuteness, living by the sea, sam and dean are half brothers, talking it out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-26 23:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 108,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2669738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoundHerselfInWonderland13/pseuds/FoundHerselfInWonderland13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Destiel au set in UK</p><p>John Winchester walked out on his wife and young son four years ago, completely devastating them both. Now living in England with his new wife, Kate and their two children, Sam and Adam, he is content with his new life as a doting father. Dean is now sixteen, and on a one man mission to destroy his life, having never healed from the pain his father`s betrayal left him with. He is drinking too much, mixed up with the wrong crowd and is on his way to being kicked out of every school in Kansas. He has had more last chances than can be counted, and although he tries, he just keeps screwing up. At her wits end, Mary sends him off to live with his absent father, which only further drives a wedge between the two of them. </p><p>He arrives all guns blazing, prepared to be the child from hell.<br/>A dark haired stranger he meets on the beach might just be what he needs to begin to move on and finally let the past be the past.<br/>He isn`t looking for friendship, let alone love, but Castiel might just be able to help him forgive and forget and make a new life over in England. </p><p>Yes, just as cliché as it sounds, but hopefully a bit of fun.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Here comes trouble.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there. I never really know what to say in these things, does anyone even read them? Anyway, a big thank you for clickity-clicking on this wee fic. I hope it passes some time for you. If anyone wishes I can try and find the book this is based off of. I hope you have a great day!

I was in trouble, yet again. Big trouble, enormous trouble. The kind of big trouble that requires hushed, urgent phone calls to be made from the Principal's office to my workaholic mom, while I laze about smugly on the uncomfortable plastic chair outside in the tackily decorated hallway. I pick up my scuffed AC/DC backpack from the floor and after a few seconds of rummaging around I feel my hands clasp around my battered looking old cell phone. Ignoring the school`s policies, the device bleeps into life, playing a brief and jaunty little tune, before showing me my lock screen. The black and red lyrics from "Highway to hell" make up my receptionist walks with purpose to her desk, her sensible black shoes click-clacking away. She glares bitterly at me from behind a neat stack of important paperwork, which she briefly glances over before taking it into the office, tutting as she closes the door gently. She had only knocked once and entered without waiting for a reply. Impatient bitch.

**_Where are you?_ **

I chuckle and put the phone in my pocket before relaxing further back into the chair, resting one leg atop the other. A mere two minutes later it bleeps again. And three times more before I finally shut it off, not wanting to deal with my best friend/partner in crime`s pretentious bullshit and general asshole-ness right now.

**_You get caught?_ **

**_You know better than to snitch on us._ **

**_Right?_ **

**_Cause I don't wanna hurt you._ **

Good ol` Lucifer, always the concerned best friend. Not. It didn`t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there was a silent "but I will" hidden in his message. Load of crap anyway, Luke lived for hurting others weaker than himself, a big part of him got off on it I think. What a dick. It was better to have him as a friend than an enemy though.

The door opens not long afterwards to reveal one of the most hideous creatures you could ever have the sheer dumb luck of meeting.

"Dean Winchester!" Ms Young`s beady eyes narrow. Her voice is shrill, piercing my ears and I resist the urge to cover them. Smiling politely up at her I ask her what the matter was, playing the part of the sweet little fool well.

"I am unable to contact your mother. Her secretary says she is in an urgent meeting and they daren`t call her away from it." Her thin bottom lips curls up like she was sucking on an extremely sour lemon.

I sympathize, "too bad," I smirk and kick my feet up on the small coffee table in front of me, one eyebrow raised as if daring her to say something. She doesn`t, but I could tell she wasn`t best pleased. Oh well.

I was no stranger to trouble, I was what my late Grandmother affectionately referred to as a "free spirit" an impulsive, hard to control kid who had a strong dislike for all things authority related. Back when I was still her favourite Grandkid, at least. I was her only Grandkid back then, she was obligated to say that. Trouble followed me wherever I went, and if I had learnt one thing it was this; there is no use hanging your head in shame and feigning apologies. They never believe you anyway, so why bother?

It is well past three by the time Mom finally decides to make an appearance. She probably stopped for a nice long coffee first. Two sugars and just a splash of milk. Anything to put of this situation. By now Mrs Smith is busy slaving over the computer, her disgusting pink fake nails tapping irritatingly against the cheap keyboard. My left eye twitches. The doors swing open with a clatter at three forty five on the dot. Damn she looked pissed this time. Her once eternally smiling eyes were thin slits, blazing with anger, a pink scowl painted on perfectly. This was worse than last time when I was caught smoking behind the toilets with Lucifer, or that one time at my old high school when me and that stuck up Bela girl were caught groping each other in the teacher`s lounge. Not my idea, hers. I didn`t really like her all that much anyway, but she was a pretty good kisser. Ms Young, whose name is a massive joke by the way, snaps her head up as Mom enters, eyes narrowing in distaste as she glances at the clock hanging proudly on the beige wall.

"What has he done this time?" she asks icily, tucking a long stand of expensively highlighted hair behind her pierced ear.

The old battle-axe's grey eyes light up at the question she had been eagerly waiting for, and Mrs Smith even stops assaulting the computer key board to look up briefly, her lips curled up nastily.

"We will keep it brief, Ms Campbell. Please, come through to my office." Ms Young`s grey eyes turn on me now. "You too." she says with a smug smile. "First may I apologise wholeheartedly for disturbing you at work-"

"Cut the crap, ok? It has been a very long day."

She nods and smiles, but I can see she is shaken by my mom`s harsh, snappy tone. "Dean assaulted another student. He is a disgrace to this fine school and a very troubled young man. We had to send the other student home with a sprained wrist and his parents are furious."

I screw my eyes shut to resist the urge to flip her off, to flip them all off.

"This is the last straw I am afraid we have no choice but to exclude your son." she bites back a smile. "A third exclusion is, as I am sure you recall, final."

"There is nothing I can say to get you to reconsider?" Mum asks in a dull voice, already knowing the strict answer won`t change.  
"I am afraid not." She doesn`t sound sorry at all. Not in the slightest.  
I grin to myself, joy erupting inside me for the first time in God knows how long. So long bitches! Sayonara!

"Dean is a smart young man, very talented too. He could have done very well here, but his temper and attitude towards authority figures is just atrocious. A broken home can affect young people in very dreadful ways you know. Have you possibly considered counselling?" she suggests out of mock kindness and Mom gets to her feet in one swift movement, that cold remark easily hitting a tender spot.  
"Thank you for all your help"." She spits nastily and storms out of the badly decorated office, calling for me to follow.  
"Goodbye!" I smile cheerily, waving animatedly at the sadistic duo of Young and Smith.I pause at the doorway, turning back around and raise my right hand, flipping them off with an overjoyed smile. They gasp, clearly horrified and I feel proud.

So long bitches…It`s has certainly interesting.

Of course, getting booted out of school for the sixth (now seventh) time in just over three years was nothing to be proud of, and smoothing things over with Mom would be no picnic, but I was just so happy to be out of there.

Mum slams the car door shut behind her and waits for me to get in, tapping her long pink nails against the wheel impatiently, frostily glaring at the windscreen in front of her. I slide in hesitantly in the back, deciding against sitting next to her and sling my bag onto the seat next to me.

"Well, let`s hear it." She snaps, putting the car into drive, knuckles pale white from her vice like grip on the wheel.

Now is when the shouting usually happens, followed by the flood of disappointed tears. Bitter old virgin school teachers didn`t scare me, in fact, I love ruffling their feathers, but my mother _did_ scare me. After the tears there would be more yelling, followed by empty threats of sending me back to live with my Grandfather. The last time I had stayed there had been two years ago. I was fourteen and recently had started hanging out with some unsavoury characters, not that my current choice of friends were any better. In fact they were worse. Anyway, to impress this girl, Meg, I had snuck out of my Granddad`s house well after curfew, stolen his wallet from the nightstand, and climbed out the window. Blown over a hundred dollars on cheap booze, the guy behind the counter not even caring to ID me, even though he knew I was well underage. Needless to say, I wasn`t invited back.

I sit there in silence, wanting to ask her to put the radio on, but I daren`t chance it. I risk a glance over at her, and she just seems to be getting even more furious. I remember how mad she was after my second exclusion, I had never seen anything like it. Cups hit the wall, plates were smashed and she was screaming and crying at the same time. That was better than this cold silence though. At least I knew what was going through her mind if she was screaming.

"This is your last chance Dean, Ms Young has assured me that if you step one more toe out of line you will be sent packing faster than you can blink!"

I had promised her I would try better, keep my head down, and work hard. Like all my promises, I had meant them at the time, but somewhere along the way they became nothing more than twisted lies, broken and forgotten.

We pull up outside the house, and she gets out, grabbing her designer handbag from the passenger seat and storms inside, not waiting for me. I sigh, taking a moment to prepare myself for the battle that was sure to begin as soon as I stepped inside.


	2. |Don`t walk away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That is when I lose it and just start screaming, hurling curses out of my mouth, and lashing out at whatever I can reach.

I grudgingly get out of the car and follow her inside, backpack slung over one shoulder. Looks like I wouldn`t be needing it for a few days at least. I am sorely tempted to just run down the cracked driveway, off down the street and never look back. The once snowy white net curtain that had definitely seen better day's twitches, and the car bleeps behind me and flashes twice, locking. Once inside I hang up my black leather jacket and throw my black boots in the cupboard. I didn`t chicken out and run, obviously. Oh but I wanted to.

"So," Mom says at last tiredly, pouring coffee into a novelty Christmas mug with Rudolph on that I had gotten her five years ago as a gift. Before everything had went up in flames and burnt away into ruin. "Another broken promise I see. Another perfectly good school overjoyed to see the back of you."

I stare at the ground dejectedly, doing my best to ignore her.

"Are you trying to set some kind of crazy record for how many schools you can get kicked out of or something?!" Her usually calm voice is raised, but she isn`t quite shouting. Not yet anyway.

I regret my words instantly. "That`s a little unfair, don`t you think? There must be a crap load of schools in the state I haven`t been chucked out of yet." I want to slap my calloused hand across my big fat pie hole and have the fluffy white carpet swallow me up whole. Of course, what I want never matters.

"This is a new personal best, even for you." she rants on as though hadn`t spoken, her eyes blazing. "School only started two months ago and already they gave you the axe. What am I supposed to do with you?" she questions the silent room, shaking her head angrily, long tangled hair flying around her pretty face.

"I didn`t mean to-"

She raises a well-manicured hand to silence me and collapses down on the charcoal leather sofa. "I hope you are proud of yourself, because I`m not."

I suppose I was in a way. Being kicked out of as many schools in as little time as I had was not an easy feat.

"I don`t even know you anymore. Why does everything have to be a constant battle with you, Dean? Do you hate me that much? Or is this still about John? Because if it is then this is just _pathetic_."

I explode. She had no right to bring _him_ into this. No fucking right and I was about to let her know that.

"Oh yeah?! Pathetic?! What the fucking hell do you know, Mom?!" It was out of line, I know. I was just digging myself in deeper, but I couldn`t bring myself to care at that moment in time.

Her eyes have closed and she has kicked of her shoes. Two long professionally painted fingers gently massage her temple. "I meant it when I said this was your last chance." she continues, ignoring my fiery outburst. "you need help, Dean and I am at my wits end. I just don`t know what to do anymore." she moans and I feel even worse.

I shuffle my feet uncomfortably, the big toe on the right peeking out from a whole in the Batman socks I was wearing. I want to speak up, say something to make it all better, but I don`t know what to say. So I stay quiet. What could I even say? I mean really? "Sorry I`m suck a fuck up?" That wasn`t going to cut it. Not this time. I knew that.

"You`ve made it quite clear I`m not good enough, Dean, made it painfully obvious that you can`t stand living here with me. You can`t stay out of trouble for a minute, your grades are abysmal and your so called friends are demons. One of them is even called Lucifer for goodness sake! What am I supposed to do?"

"His name is Luke mum, Lucifer is just-"

"What? A very fitting nickname?" she scoffs.

"Mum, one more chance," I plead. "I promise, I double promise that this time I won`t mess it up." I try and flash her my winning smile, but it comes out as some weak imitation.

She sighs tiredly and shakes her head for what felt like the hundredth time that hour. "I meant it Dean, no more last chances. I have had enough."

Enough? Like as in enough of me. That stung more than I would care to admit.

You need a complete fresh start, to get out of Kansas and go someplace new. "  
"Fresh start?" I question dubiously. Was she finally going to make good of her boarding school threat? Or cart me off to live with some distant family member again? "Not Granddad's again, right? He hates my guts anyway and besides, I was miserable there!"

"No Dear, not Granddad's." she bites her painted lip, looking anxious now instead of pissed. "I know we agreed to never have anything to do with him ever again, but that was a very long time ago and well, you leave me with no other choice."

She takes a steadying breath.

And that is when she lets the bomb go. "No arguing now, Dean. You are going to live with your father."

World War Three erupts in the living room then. All guns were blazing, nukes were going off, the whole nine yards.

"No fucking way." I tell her angrily, "You can`t make me do this."

"You are going to live with your Dad and that is final. My mind is made up, Dean." Then as though she hadn`t just said the cruellest, most life ruining, destructive sentence ever, she calmly sits up and turns on the television, before settling on some crappy hospital drama. For once the hot nurses do nothing to distract me.

"There is no way in all of hell that I am going to live with that traitorous, good for nothing, deserting bastard!"

She responds by turning to volume up to try and tune me out.

"He left us!" I scream at the top of my lungs, the shock quickly being replaced by anger and hatred for the disgusting man I refused to call my father. We may unfortunately share blood, but he was nothing to me, Certainly NOT my father. "He walked out on us when I was a kid, just left us a note on the fridge next to my sporting certificate and just drove off in that damned car of his one day and never looked back! He doesn`t care about either of us, not you and certainly not me."

I can still remember the day clearly. Mom weeping brokenly in the kitchen, her beautiful face stained with black tears from where her make-up had ran, eyes all red and puffy. A sheet of A4 lay abandoned on the table in front of her, crumped and torn and tearstained.

"That was years and years ago." As if that made his betrayal any better.

"Exactly!" I agree wholeheartedly with her, "Years and years ago. I was twelve Mom, twelve years old when he abandoned me. Three weeks after my birthday."

I had been too young to really understand what was going on. All I knew was that my Dad had left me and I was screaming at Mom for hours to try and get her to make him come back.

He never did. Not once.

Sure, he sent the occasional letter accompanied with a card on Christmas and my birthday, but that was it. No visits or anything. Those went straight in the bin, but not before I shredded them into tiny, insignificant little pieces first. Tiny and insignificant, just the way I had felt. The same way he had made me feel.

"He didn`t leave because of you, honey. Your Dad loved you very much, he still does." she tries to explain gently and forces out a weak, unconvincing smile which I scoff at.

"You said we would never have to see him again. You called him all of the nasty names under the sun, don`t you remember? You hate him as much as I do." I argue desperately.

"He just didn`t love me. People fall out of love sometimes it does happen. Real life is never like the movies. And it sucks, but that`s just the way things are sometimes. He isn`t a bad man and I was wrong to say all the horrible things I said about him, especially wrong to say them in front of you. I`m sorry."

It was too late for apologies. To damn late. No one was ever sorry, not really. Only when they got found out. When _he_ first left he tried to contact me all the time, I never picked up. Pretty soon he got the message and stopped calling.

"But you did say them." I tell her smugly. "And they were all true." Each and every bitter, hate fuelled word. My D-John Winchester was a heartless, deserting dickhead. A terrible husband and a crappy father. We were better off without him. I was happier without him.

And that was just the saddest lie I have ever heard.

"You have to be joking. You hate him as much as I do. He ran out on us to be with some bitch and her snot nosed sprog. How can you ever forgive that?!"

"Honey, I am sorry you feel that way, but it is decided. You need to get out of Kansas, maybe you were right when you said months ago that there is nothing left for you here. I think being with your Dad again will-"  
"What?" I hiss. "Be good for me? He is not my Dad, he is nothing to me."

That is when I lose it and just start screaming, hurling curses out of my mouth and lashing out at whatever I can reach. The cushions get it first. Purple and black satin things with diamanté spirals are chucked against the wall. I watch with deep satisfaction as a framed photo on a shelf tumbles down to the floor and smashes. I kick over the coffee table, Mom`s phone and unpaid bills flying everywhere. I wander over to the broken frame and carefully rip out the old school photograph. I still manage to nick the tip of my index finger on a sliver of sharp glass. A tiny droplet falls onto the long ago photo and I smile. A young boy with bright eyes and a dusting of freckles grins up at me childishly, missing three of his front teeth. I must have been around nine or ten in that photo. How was I supposed to know that in just a few short years my entire world was going to be devastated? Because of him I felt torn apart and wrecked, just left bloody and wounded on the floor, waiting and praying foolishly for him to come back.

He never did and so I gave up on praying a long time ago.


	3. Airport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then she came along and ruined it all.

The next two weeks race by in a flash, each day blurring together into one big fit of arguments, refusing to pack, more tantrums, saying my goodbyes to my no good friends and getting wasted with Luke, Crowley and my on and off again girlfriend/friends with benefits Lisa. Eventually I begin to pack the night before, finally realising there was no getting away from my dreadful fate. Mom comes in each morning, threatens that if I don`t start to pack, she will do it for me and dump whatever won`t fit and then I yell at her and the bombs start exploding all over again. I throw jeans, most of them ripped at the knees and a big pile of freshly laundered shirts into a massive black suitcase. It is the same one I had lugged behind me when I was banished to live with Granddad and it makes me feel physically sick to look at it. I bag up my toiletries from the shared bathroom, leaving out just enough for the next morning and splash my face with cool water from the tap. it does little to calm me. These too find their way into the case, which stands guard in my doorway, the contents stacked messily inside.

This had been my room for nearly four years now, and I loved it. Moving sucked. No matter how careful you were, you always lost something important. Last time it had been my extensive CD collection. I was distraught at first, but then mum got me an IPod to replace my old dusty player. I never did end up buying the albums again though, not after I remembered who the one responsible for getting me into all of those old bands , angry rock music was screeching out of the tiny speakers connected to my IPod and I turn it up louder to discourage her even further from coming in. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs muted a little by the soft cream carpet. They pause briefly outside of my door, then continue down the landing and to the left into the larger bedroom. I grin, satisfied that my plan had worked. For now at least.

Dinner is left outside the door, the mouth-watering scent of homemade chips drenched in salt, sausages, yolky egg and warm buttered toast wafting into the room from the gap under the door. Aware that is was a peace offering, I try to ignore it, but I hadn`t eaten all day. In fact I had barely eaten all week and was ravenous. I slowly open the door, looking right and left to see if she was outside, and grab the plate, practically pouncing on it, devouring it entirely in mere minutes.

I finish packing quickly, throwing my chargers, another pair of nearly brand new shoes and a few extra pair of boxers into the case and slam it shut, ready to be taken downstairs in the morning. Once more I hear Mom`s soft footsteps on the staircase. This time when she pauses outside she knocks twice, very timidly.

"Piss off!" I scowl at the door, wishing I had some super cool laser eye power so I could just burn two holes in the door and right through her non existing heart.

She ignores me and comes in anyway, picking up the overflowing suitcase and placing it outside.

"Your plane leaves at ten AM tomorrow. I have taken the day off of work tomorrow so I can take you there." she tells me sternly. "Be ready. I will wake you so you don`t oversleep."

Damn bitch didn`t even trust me to set my alarm and get up in the morning? Well there goes my plans of "accidentally" sleeping through my alarm, thus causing me to sadly miss my plane. I glare at her and nod once. Mom never took time off work, it just proved how eager she was to cart me off to someplace else far away from her. A whole God Damned ocean away from her.

Before the divorce was even finalised, Dickhead Dad had swanned off to bloody England where his new tart, Kate Milligan was originally from. They had met at his garage. Winchester`s Auto Repairs it was called. Not the most original title, I`ll grant you, but I spent a good chunk of my childhood at that place. I loved it. He had promised me that it was all going to be mine one day, my empire of rusted old bangers and oil spills. He didn`t make a whole lot of money, just enough to get by, but he loved his work and we had food on the table and a roof over our head and we were one big happy family.

Then she came along and ruined it all.

She sashayed in, all big boobs and a winning smile and turned his head. Two months after she got her claws into him and he was leaving us. Last I heard he was living in some little town in England, with two new kids. His new big happy family. And me? Well I was just the bratty little sprog he forgot. And here I was showing up again for years later on his doorstep like a misdirected parcel.

Mom takes me to the airport the next morning. She hands me my passport, money to get a snack before take-off and kisses me goodbye something I do not appreciate. We make small talk over breakfast. Or rather she tries to, but I just cut her off with a snarl or point blank ignore her.

"This is for the best, you`ll see."

"Yeah, the best for you. Like everyone else in my life, you`ve gotten sick of me so you are shipping me off to someone I haven`t seen in years, who I hate and who hates me, just because you have had enough of me." I snap, pushing my soggy food around on the chipped plate. "But yeah, I`m sure it is for the best."

She was the one calling the shots here, the one with the choices. Sure, maybe I hadn`t been making the best decisions lately, what with all the drinking, bad behaviour, getting expelled and Lisa`s pregnancy scare last month, but at least I was only hurting myself, fucking up my own future.

We get in the car shortly after and before we get out she puts an arm on my shoulder.

"Now Dean, I know you aren`t exactly thrilled about this situation."  
I smirk, "No way! Whatever could have given you that idea?" I snort unattractively.

She goes on like I hadn`t make a sound. "But John is overjoyed that you are going to live with him and this really is your last chance now, so I expect to hear from him that you have been keeping in line." She goes quiet for a moment, tucking a strand of silky hair behind her ear, "and another thing. I haven`t exactly told John about the whole gay thing and you know how traditional he can be, so I was thinking that maybe – not forever- just for a little while, you could keep that well-"

As fun as it was to watch her babble uncomfortably, I had to set the record straight. No pun intended. "Mom, for the last time, what happened with me and Lucif-Luke that one time was nothing. We were drunk and well" I sigh, "I am not gay, I like chicks, not dicks."

She sighs as well, but thankfully drops it and gets my luggage from the back of the car. We make our way through the airport in silence before reaching my destination.

"Oh Honey, I am going to miss you so much!" she lies, looking all teary eyed as she embraces me. "Now I can`t actually drag you onto that plane, Dean, but I am expecting you to do the grown up thing here." she warms." If I find out that you ran off and didn`t board I will be livid. So just keep that in mind."

I nod solemnly, knowing running off was just useless. Knowing my mom she had probably phoned up the airline and bribed an air stewardess to keep an eye on my and make sure I got on the plane. She hugs me one last time and then she is gone, merged in with the extensive crowds. I board the enormous plane, a feeling of dread sinking in that wasn`t just down to my fear of flying. Two old ladies doused head to toe in the sickly sweet duty free perfume squeeze in next to me and offer me a hard boiled sweet, which I kindly decline. Sure, I was seriously pissed off, but I wasn`t going to take out my problem on some sweet old ladies who were only being friendly, if a little irritating.

"First time flying is it, Dearie?" The one with silvery curls and expensive looking reading glasses asks me softly, offering a shy smile.

I just nod and force a smile back, wanting the journey to just be over already. My chest ached, my throat was dry, unlike my prickly feeling eyes and my heart kept doing these weird splutters thumps from its new spot inside my sore throat. I sure hope I wasn`t coming down with something.

Despite my worst fears, the plane doesn`t crash land into the ocean, instead it lands safely in a bottlenecked airport. I let my luggage circle the carousel three times before dragging the bags and case off and onto a trolley. In the distance, through the slowly dispersing crowd I spot a familiar figure dressed in a worn black leather jacket similar to mine and my heart splutters uneasily and my chest tightens. There is nowhere I can hide, so I just stand and wait as he strolls casually towards me. I am still tired and rumpled from the flight and I am so not ready for this.

"Dean!" he smiles, patting me once on the shoulder.

I glare at the offending limb and he quickly removes it. I stiffen and fix my face into a cold mask of indifference, green eyes narrowed at the jacket he wore so similar to my own. Anyone walking by would think we were like any other father and son who loved each other and I hated that.

"I`ve missed you so much, kid. Come on," he says, grabbing my heavy case, despite my protests that I could do it myself. I mean did he think I was still that scrawny little kid he abandoned? I don`t know, it had been a long time, maybe he did.

"Let`s go home."


	4. Here I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come on, Dean. They don`t bite!"

Think of a young bright eyed boy with a cheeky grin and scraped up knees. The kind of kid that always worked hard in school, all of his teachers simply doted on him and he was loved by all of his classmates. That was me. No joke. Honest. I lived with my parents, who I practically worshiped, my dad in particular, in a three bedroom semi dethatched house in the middle of super friendly neighbourhood. Mom and Dad took it in turns picking me up from school and afterschool sports clubs, I was off round at my best friend`s house every Tuesday and on Thursday he came to us for dinner and swimming lessons. I adored my Mother, she was kind and gentle and gave the best hugs. The kind of hugs that warmed you up from the inside and made you feel all snuggly and warm. I loved my Mom, but my Dad was always the one I was closest to. He was my hero. Most kids my age would have said Batman was theirs, and while he was awesome, he didn`t hold a candle to my Daddy.

Most weekends were spent holed up at his garage, reading car magazines (or rather, looking at the pictures) helping him clean up the shop at the end of the day and sometimes, if I was lucky, he would even let me help him out as he worked on his own car. A beautiful 1967 Chevy Impala with shiny black paintwork and despite her age, not a single dent or mark. All in all, she was a pretty badass work of art. It was going to be all mine one day, so I had to learn to treat her good, he would tell me with a great big grin on his face. I couldn`t be happier. Yeah, he was a doofus, but back then I didn`t care. He was a big doofus, he was goofy and always covered in some kind of oily stain, but he was my doofus. My hero. I was the luckiest kid in the world and I didn`t even know it, but somewhere an unseen clock was ticking, counting down the seconds until the crash.

He just left me. Not one word, just a poxy little note and poof! Gone.

Well that was just fine. I didn`t care. I don`t care. I don`t need him, not anymore. I didn`t need him when I was sent off to live with grouchy old Granddad, or when Mom started working late all the time or when Lisa thought she was pregnant (and thankfully wasn`t!) I didn`t need him then, and I certainly don`t need him now. I`m doing just fine without him, Okay, well maybe not fine, but I`m getting by.

…

The drive back from the airport is pure hell on wheels. I had to bite back a smile when he slung my bags in the trunk of the Impala. She hadn`t aged a day, still as beautiful as when I last saw her. I wonder briefly if he had promised her one of his other two sprogs. He and his new tart had two children, Sam and Adam. I wonder if he finally got that big garage he was always talking about, if he had a great big crew working under him.

"The house isn`t too far," he says cheerfully, trying to meet my eye, but I turn away. "Over an hour away yet though."

I continue to stare straight ahead, watching the scenery go past. Or not, seeing as we were stuck in a seemingly never ending traffic jam.

"Least it will give us a chance to chat, huh?" he smiles hopefully, the same smile from long ago and I feel sick again, heart suddenly deciding to do all kinds of acrobatic flips and twists in my chest.

Eventually the worst of the congestion clears and we are heading out of the city. Norwich, I think it was called. Weird name. We reach the outskirts of the bustling city and drive down a much quieter country road decorated with quaint little cottages, each with a colourful hanging basket of flowers swinging by their front doors. Bored, and with my behind going numb from all the sitting, I turn my IPod up a little louder and read the street signs as we drive past at a leisurely pace. Penny Lane, Church Lane, Sycamore Crescent who the hell comes up with these stupid names?

"Kate, Sam and Adam are all really looking forward to meeting you, ya know? Sam is the oldest." he tells me and I ignore him easily. "Well he and Adam insisted that we decorate the house to celebrate."

Oh how sweet. It was really, but I quickly push that reluctant admission from my mind, once again focusing on the bizarre street names. Windmill Avenue, Beach Road, what the hell is going to be next? Fish `N Chip Boulevard?

He sighs and runs a rough, calloused hand through his greying tangle of dark hair. "You`re going to have to talk to me sometime you know, kid, may as well be now."

I almost bite out "Oh yeah? Want to bet?" but thankfully stop myself in time.

"So what do you want to talk about?" he asks casually, too damn casually for someone who I had not had any contact from since I was twelve. His unreturned letters didn`t count. "Now would be a great time to chat and catch up, before you meet the others."

Okay, here is a nice catch up chat, right? Fuck off and die. I think it, but don`t say it. I just didn`t have the energy to argue right now.

"It`s a lovely house, about ten, maybe fifteen minutes away from the ocean." he tells me and I yawn widely to show how much I cared.

The car grinds to a halt in front of a picturesque red bricked house. Rainbow, half circle flowerbeds and potted plants fill up a good portion of the garden and a squeaky old swing set sways lazily in the early summer breeze in the far corner. A neatly trimmed, lush green lawn complete with a large fish pond lead up to the impressive front porch, where -gulp- a group of three people were sat waiting, ready to traitor empties the trunk of my belongings and carries them up to the door placing them down just long enough to embrace the woman and the two other young boys.

"Come on Dean, they don`t bite!" John calls back to me laughing, as he places my bags inside.

Too bad I think, because I do.


	5. New beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don`t yell, even though I wanted to. I don`t lose my temper and starting kicking and screaming. I was too tired.

I reluctantly follow him and the three strangers into the red bricked house, scowling at the brightly coloured welcome mat, making sure to stomp on it much harder than necessary as I wipe my feet. The mouth-watering scent of chicken and gravy wafts down the cream coloured hallway, decorated with arty canvas prints. I am led past several paintings of quaint beaches and green country gardens and into the equally perfectly decorated kitchen. I am greeted with big hopeful smiles, the two kids shuffling their trainer clad feet a little awkwardly as they glance up at their parents for reassurance. Rainbow magnetic letters spell out "Welcome home, Dean" on the enormous fridge freezer. They and a couple of other magnets hold up terrible drawings and paintings presumably done by the youngest brat, Adam.

"Dean, this is Sam, the oldest," He points to a gangly boy with a long tangle of soft brown hair and big wide eyes. He was much older than I had expected. "He is thirteen. Adam is seven." A small blonde boy wearing an oversized superhero shirt waves shyly at me, but I barely notice.

"You said Sam is thirteen? So that means I was three when he was born, right? But you didn`t swan off until I was twelve, so how the hell can he be that old!?"

It dawns on me and I feel the bile rise in my throat and my eyes dampen. I hastily wipe the newly forming tears away with my grey sleeve and replace the hurt puppy look with one of disgust."So that time when you met her," I say the tart`s name like a curse, "wasn`t the first time." I glare over at them both in turn, green eyes narrowed with hatred and fury.

"Dean, well you see…"He fumbles with his jacket uncomfortably, placing it down on the granite worktop. Good, I was happy I was making things awkward for him.

"So you were cheating on Mom since I was a baby?" don`t yell, even though I wanted to. I don`t lose my temper and starting kicking and screaming. I was too tired after the journey from hell I thought would never end.

"I-It wasn`t like that!" He tries to insist, while Kate quietly ushers the two children into the living room, shutting the door gently behind them.

"Oh yeah? What you kept accidentally going to the wrong house and accidently having sex with the wrong woman?"

He sighs, "Look, Dean, I was scared. I wasn`t ready for such a serious commitment with your mother. I met Kate while she was on holiday at a bar and we ended up sleeping together." He tells me, flushing a little red. "It was a one time only thing. I didn`t even know about Sammy until I met her again years later when she brought her car to the shop. Honest. I am so, so sorry, Dean, I never meant to hurt you."

I raise one hand to silence him. "Just don`t alright? I don`t want to hear your half assed apologies." I smile bitterly, "Your words don`t mean jack shit to me, got it old man?" I sneer, then storm out of the room and collected my bags and begin lugging them upstairs. It was difficult, but I somehow managed. I certainly wasn't going to ask _him_ for assistance.

"Your room is the last one on the left!" He shouts up after me.

Taking a deep breath, I push open the door and give it a quick once over. The walls were a sky blue and several black wooden shelves had been put up. A slightly unstable looking matching bookcase stood in the right corner next to a large chest of draws. Two large windows overlooked the extensive back garden. A deflated football and rusted metal goalpost stood a little wonkily at the far side, and several potted plants and flower baskets were dotted around. An even larger pond took up a good portion of the right side and a gazebo decorated with even more flowers and hanging baskets that sway lazily in the breeze. In the distance I could just about see a grey stretch of water, which I presumed to be the sea. It looked bleak and desolate.

I unpack slowly, not having anything better to do. I really didn`t want to go back down and face them anytime soon. Or ever, if I had my way. Which face it, was not likely to happen. If I had my way, John Asshole Winchester would never have met Kate Milligan and they would never have had Sam or Adam and he would never have ran off and replaced me. Then there would have been no need for mom to have sent me off to a different fucking country, putting an entire Ocean between us just because she didn`t want to deal with me anymore. I throw my clothes into the draws carelessly and in case either of the little brats came snooping, hide my laptop in the bottom draw under my favourite Metallica shirt. My handful of books fit easily on the bookcase and then I was done. I didn`t bring a lot, because I am not planning on staying long. A month or two at the most and they will be begging mom to take me back. Grovelling like pathetic little worms on their knees. That I couldn't wait to see.

I collapse down on my bed, not even bothering to change, just kicking of my jeans and fall asleep on top of the fresh covers. I don`t wake up until twelve in the afternoon the next day. I sit up groggily and straight away notice a floral plate piled high with sandwiches and smokey bacon flavour crisps. Confused, but too hungry to think too much of it, I stuff the food into my mouth, barely taking the time to chew before swallowing. Then I reluctantly pull on my jeans from yesterday, deciding to shower when I am fully awake and take the empty dish downstairs.

"Good afternoon, Dean!" the tart smiles at me and happily takes the plate from me and places it in the sink to be washed up later.

I grunt some kind of reply.

"That was Sam who took that up to you this morning before school. He was worried that you hadn`t eaten dinner last night so he insisted on making you something to eat. He got up an extra twenty minutes early to prepare the sandwiches for you. Insisted on doing it all himself too. Adam was the one who gave you about ten bags of crisps though." She smiles fondly.

I just not absently, wondering why the hell those two brats gave a damn about me. After all, I hadn`t been too pleasant to them so far. Weird.

I walk into the living room and plonk my ass down in front of the television, settling on a bloody action movie.

"John is just nipping to get some shopping, he normally does after dropping the kids of at school." She smiles awkwardly, twiddling her thumbs. "Just in case you were wondering where he was."

"I don`t care where that bastard is."

She visibly pales. "Okay, well can I get you anything? Help you unpack?"

I shake my head. "I`m good." I felt bad, but there was no point no trying to be nice and make friends. She was the evil tart who had helped to ruin my childhood and I wasn`t about to forget that.


	6. Uniform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I spend the rest of the week and weekend holed up in my new room for the most part.

John comes back a few hours later. I glance at the clock on the elaborate mantelpiece. It was just after three. I hear the engine of the Impala as it approaches from halfway down the street and hastily race up the cream carpeted stairs before he could see me. The front door opens with a loud creak just as I switch on my IPod, one earbud dangling around my neck, the other black bud nestled snugly in my right ear.

"Dean! Your father is home!" the stupid tart calls far too cheerily from the bottom of the staircase.

I stay silent and place the other earbud in my ear and turn up the volume till it nearly deafens me. Hearing was overrated anyway.

"Dean?" There is a hesitant knock at the door. Kate then, definitely not John."Dean, John is home and he wants to talk to you about school."

School. Fun. Even more of a reason not to go downstairs and face the deserter. Even I knew it was pointless staying holed up in my room though. Like or not I had to go to school and I didn`t feel like having a shouting match through my bedroom door. I was too tired. My chest was still tight and achey. I really think I was coming down with some rare kind of illness. Not that anyone would care. Not Mom, nor John and his tart or his spawn and certainly not any of my so called "friends" back home. I open the door reluctantly, nod sharply at Kate and storm right past her. I pause before entering the living room, suddenly taking an interest in the arty-farty image of the London Eye taken at night time. John was lounging about on a beige leather chair, his boot clad feet resting on a pile of magazines perched precariously on the ringed coffee table. They ranged from fashion magazines to interior decorating and superhero comics I assumed were Adams`s. John looks up and smiles widely as soon as I walk in with my head held high and trademark couldn`t care less smirk. I flop down on the couch opposite and grab the remote from where it sat on the centre of the table. His eye twitches but he says nothing. Smart move old man.

"So, Dean you are probably wondering about where you will be going to school."

"Nope." I emphasis the "p" drawing it out.

He ignores me, but I was used to that.

"You have been enrolled in the same secondary school as Sam. I just went to pick up your timetable," he gets to his feet and picks up a crisp white sheet of paper that I hadn`t noticed before from the table and hands it to me. "And your uniform."

Kate wanders in all smiles, holding two plastic bags. She places them on the couch next to me before excusing herself to go and pick up Adam and Sam. I reluctantly look inside, ripping open the plastic that contained the stiff white shirts and trousers. I was no expert, nor did I have a love of clothing or read Vogue religiously (or at all) but I was fairly sure this was not a rocking look. Form fitting, straight legged trousers in black, white cotton button up shirts with a single pocket on the left paired with ridiculously boring black lace up shoes. The kind your granddad would wear. And to top it all off was a maroon coloured blazer with the school`s crest sewn on with elaborate black stitching.

John forces a smile. "See, very smart." Even he didn't sound convinced by his words.

I shrug, shoving the offending items back in the bag.

"They understand that you need a few days to adjust to your new home, get over jetlag and all that so you start on Monday. New week, fresh start and all of that."

I nod, absently fiddling with the handles on the bag. A new school meant more curious people, more pitying teachers and more questions to answer. Kids weren`t stupid. They knew that if someone was starting this late in the year then you had to have some kind of story, probably a juicy one and they couldn`t wait to drag it out of you. Booted out of your last school? Cool. Broken home? Awesome. Freak? Weirdo? Issues? Loser? All the better.

I spend the rest of the week and weekend holed up in my new room for the most part, eating my meals upstairs and only venturing downstairs to get more drinks or to find towels for the shower. John tries to talk to me a few times, even tries to force me out once, but Kate convinces him to let me have some space and that I would warm up to him in time. Ha! Fat chance. I appreciated her getting him to back off though, not that I was going to tell her that. Sam knocks on the door a few times, normally carrying some kind of snack and wearing a nervous, shy smile. Adam was usually hiding behind him. After the third time I gave up on telling them to leave me alone and accepted the food with an even shyer smile.

Monday rolls by quicker than I had feared and all too soon I am being screamed at by my phone alarm informing me that it was half past seven and I had to get up. I was most definitely not a morning person. Having already showered last night I wander over to the chest of draws, rummage around for a bit and finally find a suitable shirt. It was grey and had the lyrics from "Highway to Hell," scrawled across it. From another draw I pull out old grey boxers and faded jeans. I dress in a hurry and throw my fully charged cell phone and Ipod into the new Metallica messenger bag that Mom had gotten me as a going away "don't hate me, pretty please forgive me and go quietly" and Adam are already nearly finished with their cereal by the time I come downstairs, jacket and boots already on and ready to go. I couldn`t wait to start my first day in HellSchool.


	7. Bunking Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam`s eyes go wide when he sees what I have done. “Mum and Dad are going to be really mad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Sorry this took so long. Christmas and illness just stopped me in my tracks. I hope you all had a wonderful time celebrating whatever holiday it is you and your loved ones celebrate. This is pretty long to try and make up for that. I had reviews asking is Cas is going to show up soon, and I am happy to tell you he will show up in the next chapter.

Kate smiles warmly, if not a little shyly as soon as she sees my standing in the arched doorway into the kitchen. Her hair was tied back into a neat ponytail, a few light stands escaping as she scrubbed up a milk stain left by Adam.

“Good morning Dean!” She practically sings as she gathers up both of the younger boy`s plates and dumps them into the sink to be washed later. “John can do that later, it`s his turn.” She tells me, before dashing over to check on the toaster.

I have never understood that phrase. “Good morning?” what is so great about the mornings? Nothing, I tell you!

I don`t say anything and plonk my tired ass down on a spare seat next to Sam, who smiles at me from behind a brown tangle of bed hair. Kate fusses over him with a comb she magics up out of her designer handbag on the counter.

“Sorry about this,” she grins when the hair finally is beaten into submission, much to the thirteen year old’s horror. “School mornings around here are pretty hectic.”

I shrug and tuck into the plate of golden brown toast she places in front of me, eagerly licking the excess butter from my fingers. Screw manners.

A dark, evil raincloud passes in front of the kitchen doorway, blocking out the light from the hallway in the form of one deserting dickhead, John Winchester.

“You about ready to go boys? It`s nearly ten past eight you had better leave soon if you are walking.” He says, pinching the last piece of deliciously, buttery bread from my plate. I am sorely tempted to stab him with my butter knife, but he is too quick. I know I will have better luck next time.

“Oh dad, do we have to walk?” Sam grumbles, pulling a face. Hey, if I had legs that long and was likely to trip over them all the time like he did, I would have an aversion to walking too.

“Yes, I have to go in early to cover for that new kid, Garth. Bloody useless he is! A terrible mechanic and he can`t even bothered to have the courtesy phone in sick.”

Groaning and muttering something about getting his backpack, Sam gets up from the breakfast table. Adam, ever the faithful puppy dog, sigs down the last of his orange juice and follows him, shoe laces of the light up trainers trailing after him.

“I`m going to wait outside for them.” I tell the tart and the asshole, grabbing my bag form off of the floor.

A well-muscled arm stop me in my tracks. “Change, Dean. You know where your uniform is.”

I am about to protest, but think better of it when I see his face and trudge back upstairs to get it. Deciding I have time for a quick drink while I get a bottle of coke from beside my bed. Being the clumsy boy that I am, I accidently miss my mouth and drench the god awful uniform in the sticky, dark liquid. Grinning to myself, I make my way back downstairs, still dressed in my ripped jeans and faded band shirt. The ruined uniform held safely in my arms as I climb the final stair.

Adam`s eyes go wide when he sees what I have done. “Mum and Dad are going to be really mad.” He tells me, eyes going wide with fear. I remember when I was seven and mum and dad being mad at me felt lie it was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. Man, was I a fool.

Sam seems to find it funny though, and flashes me a big grin which quickly fades away when John walks out of the kitchen into the hallway.

“Go on boys, it is quarter past eight you need to be leaving. Dean, I thought I told you to change.” His eyes fall on the sticky white shirt held in my arms and he sighs. “I`ll write a note for today, but tomorrow it will be clean and you _will_ wear it.” He slams the front door shut behind him and I hear the engine start.

The walk to school wasn`t too bad. I had to walk with Sam and Adam because I had no idea where the hell I was going, but it turns out the primary school was only ten minutes away. We see Adam into the bustling playground and he waves us off before running off with two other boys his own age.

“Sam, how much further is it to our school?”

His jaw threatens to drop. I try to recall what I have said to him in the past few days, but can only remember a few mumbled thanks here and there.

“Not far. Do you see that play park just down the road?” he points to an empty children`s park with a sad looking swing set and I nod. “It is just on the other side of that. Probably only another five minutes if we keep dragging our feet like we have been doing.”

“I just realised I forgot my pens. I`m gonna run back to the house, won’t be long.” There was just no way I was going to school today. Sam seems unconvinced, but doesn`t try to convince me to keep walking with him.

“Mum-Sorry, I mean Kate might still be home, she does a mix of days and nights down at the doctor`s clinic. I can never remember what shift she is on.” He scratches the back of his head awkwardly and chuckles.

“I won`t be long, I can`t go without anything to write with, can I? Need to make a good impression on my first day.” I rigidly raise one arm up to wave at him, then run off back down the street that way we had come.

The house was silent when I got in, Kate must be out or maybe even having a nap if she worked nights too. I could just stay in my room all day, and if anyone did come home and found me here, I could say I felt ill. It wouldn’t be a total lie. That ache in my chest hadn`t lessened since I had arrived and I felt queasy whenever I looked at anyone.

My freedom didn`t last long. I hear the front door open and my stomach sinks. My door slams open with a loud bang.

“Dean Winchester!” John growls, with a face like thunder.

I don`t even bother to tell him that my name isn’t Winchester. I am not part of his stupid little happy family and I never want to be. He wouldn’t listen.

Instead I snarl, “How the hell did you know I bunked off?”

“I got a friend who lives just down by the school named Bobby. He said he saw Sam walk by without you and phoned me up at work asking if I had given you a lift to school seeing as it was your first day.” He explains getting angrier by the syllable. “Imagine my surprise when I come home and fine you here.”

I grab my bag from where I had carelessly dumped it on the bed and get to my feet. “Fine, I`ll go to stupid school.”

“Damn right you will boy, and I am going to take you. C`mon. You might still make it for registration at five past nine.”

I roll my eyes but follow him outside and into the beautiful car.

I feel sicker and sicker the closer we get to the school. I settle for fiddling with the zip on my jacket to keep myself distracted, but it doesn`t really work. He parks up opposite the impressive Victorian building, ignoring the double yellow lines. I get out and carefully close the door. I was pissed, but there was no well in hell I was going to take out my anger on that beautiful machine.

I make my way into the intimidating building with my head held high, waiting until the hallway had cleared out before daring to glance at the map and timetable I had stuffed in my bag. I had registration in my form room first, then English with Miss. Hill. After that there was science in room S2 followed by a twenty minute break. I memorise each class number and work out how to get there, deciding to do the same for my next two classes during break. I would hide out in one of the bathrooms or something to do it. Being the new kid sucked, I wasn`t about to be pitted for getting lost or something.

I saunter into classroom G13 with a lazy smirk on my face ten minutes late for registration. My new form tutor accepts my story of losing my map and lets me sit down. She was pretty, blonde with big boobs and blue eyes. I sit as far near the back as I can.

“Okay, guys.” She beams at the bored and or sleeping students. “I told you we had a new addition to our class and here he is, Dean Winchester.” She introduces me the same way you might introduce a family member you didn’t know or like very much.

I wave at the class, who had all turned round to get a better look at the new kid. “It`s just Dean.” I clarify. Asshole. I can’t believe he enrolled me as a freakin` Winchester. I mean, sure it was legally still my name, but only an idiot wouldn`t know I felt about being grouped with him.

Oh wait.

He _is_ an idiot.

“Anyone who calls me Winchester will need a team of surgeons to remove their pencils from their ass.” There is a nervous giggle from people who would like to think I was joking.

I assure you, I wasn`t.

 


	8. Runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn`t have the honour of meeting him until after break.

The fact that I wasn`t wearing my uniform didn`t really help me fit in. Or maybe it was the terrifying glare that I directed at anyone who dared risk coming up to talk to me that kept most of the other students at bay. I say most, because three people did dare to make that mistake.

Idiot number one was your typical hot blonde. Big boobs, no brains and a shrill, whiney voice that hurt my ears. I seriously hadn`t heard such an irritating noise come from a female since the time Lisa had begged me to take her to see some crappy boyband with her for her birthday. That was the cause of our first break up. Her name was Rochelle, or Michelle. Or maybe just Ellie. I didn`t really pay much attention to her. Idiot number two was a quiet little geek. Idiot number three however, was much more interesting, but just as irritating as One, if not more. I didn`t have the honour of meeting him until after break.

My first proper lesson was English. Miss. Hill was clearly a very well-liked teacher, especially by the others guys in the class, who predictably were paying more attention to her tight fitting jumper than Hamlet. I somehow resisted the urge to kick my feet up on the rickety desk and feign a yawn. Classes in England were a far cry from what I was used to in good ol` America. For starters, some of the kids actually managed to look _almost_ interested. The cheap and nasty looking white clock struck half past ten just as she was finishing up explain our homework sheet. It was a simple comprehension exercise on chapter’s three to four of Hamlet, but I doubted I was going to bother and hand it in.

Science was, well science. Back at home, I was banned from doing any of the practical experiments. Ever since I had threatened to slice Luke`s face for hitting on my girl. He laughed and told me that I didn`t have the balls and then I kneed him in his. He never stopped laughing, even if it was a little higher in pitch. That was how we became friends, actually. I kicked him in the crotch and he laughed at me. Here though, science was even more rubbish. Copying out of a textbook four half hour followed by drawing and labelling a plant’s reproductive organs was not my idea of fascinating.

Break was fine, if a little lonely, but I was used to that. What I wasn`t used to was sitting alone on a wooden bench that hurt my butt the longer I sat on it watching everyone else walk by with their friends. I had never spent a single break time alone before. My head was starting to ache a bit, just behind my eyes was a niggling pain. I close my eyes to try and block out the background noise.

“Heya Dean.”

Well, it was fine up until now anyway.

I recognise the voice as Sam, but my eyes remain closed. The darkness was helping a little.

“What`s wrong?” His voice was full of concern. “You don`t looks so good.”

“Nothing’s wrong, just a headache.” I grunt, rubbing my temples, wishing he would just get the message and piss off.

“I can show you were the nurse is if you like?” He meant well, I know he did but why was this kid so incapable of understanding that I wanted to be left alone?

“Jesus, Sam. You sound like some girl with all your worrying.” Not just the worrying. Had my voice seriously been that high when I was his age?

“I`m fine. Don`t believe me, fine, but ask again and I will start throwing punches.”

Sam opens his mouth as if to say something, but seeing the irritated look on my face quickly snaps it shut again.

“Smart move, Kiddo.”

He gets to his feet and I think he is going to leave but he only stretches, accidently hitting me in the side with one of his long, skinny arms. I would hate to have seen him in a fight. The boy was all legs and arms, tall and gangly, with a trusting, naïve puppy dog face. My old friends would have torn him to shreds in a heartbeat. Not that I would have cared, obviously. So what if he had been nothing but nice to me since I arrived. He was still the spawn, the demon child of my deserting ex-father and his new whore. He was one of them. Their perfect, beloved child. I bet he never got into any kind of trouble, his report card at the end of the academic year was probably glowing and filled with adoring comment like “A true joy to teach!” and “What an amazing future he has ahead of him.”

“Are you enjoying your first day?”

I open my eyes to scoff at him. “Oh yeah, tonnes.” I roll my eyes. “School is school, Sam. This is the eights school I`ve been to in three years.”

His eyes widen as he looks over at me in awe from behind his floppy brown fringe. Didn`t this guy ever hear of a thing called a haircut? “Eight schools?”

This was more familiar territory for me, not feeling guilty about whether I hurt some snot nosed kid`s feelings by being sharp with him.

“Yep. So there is no reason to believe I will be here for much longer than one of your silly little terms.” I sneer at the English word and walk away, ignoring the hurt little sigh the younger boy makes. Why couldn`t they just say semester? It would make things a whole lot simpler.

After break things don`t improve.

I had been stuck in some lesson I had never even heard of before called Sociology. What the fuck was that? It didn`t even sound like a word, but more like two words just shoved together.

“Hello there guys! Lovely to see you all again. I hope you had a lovely weekend!” Well, she sure had to be the cheeriest teacher I had ever seen before.

Miss. Head was her name, and she was…interesting. Dressed in a long, flowing skirt the colour of red earth and a forest brown shawl. Long red hair cascaded down her back, with a few strands tucked up into a loose bun. She liked like a benign witch from some little kiddies fairy tale.

“Ah, you must be Dean, the new boy. It`s a pleasure to meet you. ” Her smile was warm and welcoming, a few laughter lines crinkle by her eyes as her mouth widens. I felt uneasy. When was the last time somebody had smiled at me like that? As though it really was nice to see me.

She hands me a thick text book with a long winding title and I drop on the table in front of me. The light wood tabled were laid out oddly. Not in rows of twos or in a big clump of tables and chairs. Each narrow, but long table was stood facing the centre of the room, with another one placed at either of its short sides. The final result was a giant rectangle outline.

“I like it this was better. It means that everyone can see each other and I can see what you are all up to. It makes the rom feel friendlier.” She explains and walks back to the front of the classroom.

It didn`t feel very friendly to me. I was sat alone on the very end. The seat next to me was cold and empty. The person a seat down from the empty chair was a quirky red head who was doodling absentmindedly on her Star Wars notebook while Miss. Head sat at her desk waiting for her laptop to load up the PowerPoint she had prepared for us.

“My laptop hates Mondays too!” the middle aged woman laughs, and the young doodler laughs too, politely, before getting to her feet and asking if she could have a look at it. Turns out the laptop was working fine, just a little slow. The main problem was that she hadn`t switched the projector on the ceiling on.

I quickly learn that sociology wasn’t all that bad.

“All it is really is the study of the structure, development and functioning of human society.” The quirky redhead/doodler/tech wizard explains quietly to me when she sees me looking more than a little lost.

“Thanks.” I mumble, and she shrugs it off, going back to taking notes in her notebook.

Everyone else seemed to be doing the same so I dig out my battered black notepad and take the lid of my pen. I only manage to write the date before the ballpoint drops from my trembling hand.

**Please turn to the appropriate chapter (9, page 132)**

**Sociology and your family.**

**-defining the family**

**-family and culture**

**-relationship preferences**

**-alternate family forms**

I had read enough.

“Dean, would you like to tell us about your family?” I had been so distracted by the text book that I hadn`t noticed the teacher sneaking up on me. Turns out while we were copying down the key points from the board or our text books she had been going around asking us about our families.

Well screw that, bitch.

I get to my feet with a loud screech of the chair, snatch my messenger bag from under the table and make a mad dash for my exit. An open window that must have recently been washed judging from the shine on it. It looked so inviting. I push it open and swiftly duck jump out, landing like a cat on all fours. Lucky for me we were on the lowest floor, though I doubted being on a higher floor would have stopped me.

Everyone is on their feet now, faces pressed to the windows watching on, half shocked, half amused as I make my great escape.

“Dean Winchester! Come back here now!” The old bat screams, but I don`t hear her.

English schools were nothing like American schools. They didn’t seem to care much for security. All there was between me and my freedom was a black gate that wasn`t too much taller than me. Looks like you needed a pass to swipe, or you could just go over the top. I take a few long strides backwards, then make a run for it a leap at the black metal and cling to it. I haul myself up the last few inches before jumping down the other side, landing with a thump in the dirty path.

The only problem now was where was there to go? I couldn`t go back to the house in case Kate was still there. I couldn’t go into the town either though in case I ran into John. The garage he worked at was right smack bang in the centre of the town. There was always the beach, I suppose.

I hadn`t been there yet, but Sam told me it was really close to the house you just had to keep walking straight until you saw a signpost for the seafront. It shouldn`t be too busy, what with everyone in School or work and it was off season so there shouldn’t be many tourists either. Maybe just the odd weirdo and their mutt.

I am feeling tired by the time I finally see the depressing grey-blue sea water stretching out in front of me. I clamber down some rocky dunes to get onto the beach itself and immediately regret it. It was much colder down here, where there were no huge slopes to protect you from the chilly wind as it battered against the cliffs. I was right though, there was no one else here. In the far distance, way, way away I see a large group of rocks.

I could sit there and duck behind them should anyone come by and ask why I wasn`t in school. It was only a small little town, the kind of place where everyone knew everyone so I could risk anyone who knew my dad seeing my and putting two and two together. Dad had already shown my picture to all of his friends and workmates. Maybe he was just happy to have me here and wanted to show his friends just who his boy was, more likely he wanted to know I could be recognised should I run away.

My aching feet are grateful when I plonk my butt down on one of the larger rocks.

“You must be Dean Winchester.” A tall figure emerges from the waves behind me, dripping with salt water and sand. He shakes his head like a dog would to dry off, his dark hair flicking everywhere. His feet and chest were bare, something that I wasn’t so comfortable with, and he was well muscled.

I jump up too quickly out of surprise and graze my leg on the sharp edge of the rock.

“Where did you just come from?!” I demand, picking up my school bag. I could hit him with it and run. I was pretty good in a fight, but something told me I wouldn`t want to face up to this guy. He was tall, only a little shorter than me and looked like he was in great shape. Obviously not a body builder, but he didn`t look like he would fight fair.

“The water obviously. I was warm and decided to go for a brief swim while I was waiting for you.” He explains in a bored tone before reach down behind one of the other rocks and pulls out a green rucksack. From it he retrieves a plain white towel and begins to dry himself off.

“There was no one in the water. I would have seen you.” I was certain.

He laughs once, not coldly, but not happily either. “How would you have been able to see, you had your back to the water. Not a very wise thing to do considering the tide is coming in fast.”

I glance down at my feet and see that this stranger was in fact correct. The water had risen far more that I thought it would have. When I first sat down the sea was nowhere near the rocks, but now it swilled and crashed around them as though trying to force them out of its way.

“I can give you a lift back home if you like.” He offers. “My bike is just up at the top of those cliffs.” He points at the wooden stairs I had my way down earlier.

“Why would I go with you? I don`t even know who the hell you are. And I don`t want to go home.”

The boy shrugs, as though he didn`t care. Which he didn`t obviously, why would he? He didn`t know me and I didn`t know him. And I wasn’t being particularly pleasant to him.

“Then we can just go for a walk down the beach, the tide doesn’t come in any further than this point and I`m curious. The whole town is talking about you. John Winchester`s prodigal son, home at last. Can`t wait to hear all about you.” He smiles teasingly.

“I don`t know who you are or what you think you know, buddy, but you have got it all wrong!”

“Castiel.”

I frown, anger disappearing. “What?”

“My name is Castiel, not Buddy.”

I groan and roll my eyes. This guy was seriously pissing me off. “Whatever. We going on that walk or not?”

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Opening Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You cannot keep running forever.”

The strange guy, Castiel or whatever the heck his name was smiles warmly, if not a little overeagerly and nods. He leans forward and offers me his hand which I refuse with a very undignified and impolite snort.

“Well that was fairly rude.” He complains, stuffing the now damp towel back into the rucksack and slinging is carelessly over his shoulders.

“Aren`t you going to put a shirt on or something?” I wasn`t used to being around half naked possibly insane guys on the beach and I didn`t like it. I don`t care how attractive you think you are, it`s just plain weird being around virtual strangers shirtless. Couldn`t he see that I was uncomfortable? Heck, he probably could and was just trying to bug me.

Castiel frowns, tilting his head to one side as though he was confused by my question. “You want me to put my shirt back on.” He sighs, as though reaching into his rucksack would be a terrible inconvenience to him.

“Well, yeah.” I say, looking anywhere but at those big blue eyes and the confusion in them. “It`s just kind of weird being around someone you don`t know while they are half dressed.” I explain.

“I see.” His eyebrow furrow together making it quite clear he doesn’t see at all.

“Look, nothing personal, buddy-“

“Castiel, I told you.”

“Yeah, Castiel. Okay.” This guy was seriously annoying. And after the shitty day I had I was seriously considering just storming off and leaving him there talking to the sand. “I don`t know you so I don`t feel too comfortable being around you when you are half naked. I`m sure you would feel the same, right?”

“Not really. It wouldn`t bother me.” He tells me calmly, while staring right at me not even blinking once. “Besides, I am hardly half naked. All that is missing is my shirt and footwear.” Castiel points downwards with one calloused hand. The nails were short and badly bitten. “I am still wearing my jeans and underwea-“

I raise one hand to stop him. “Look, too much information. Just put the damn shirt on.”

He rolls his eyes put finally pulls out a crumpled black tee shirt from his bag and tugs it over his head, messing up his already sea tangled hair.

“Happy now?” he snaps as he raises one eyebrow before striding up to me, putting only a centimetre or so of air between us.

I gulp visibly and feel my cheeks burn. I wasn`t used to someone getting right in my face, I was always the one who made the first move with girls so this was pretty strange. I didn`t like it one little bit.

“Anyway, that walk.” I hurriedly change the subject, turning my back on him and walk a few metres in the opposite direction to where he was standing with his hands hanging loosely by his sides.

We walk or well over an hour in a companionable silence, Castiel just the slightest bit in front, the sea breeze ruffling his quickly drying hair. We might not be chattering away, but it wasn`t quiet. Not with the seagulls squawking away cheerily (and irritatingly) and the rising tide steadily creeping up the golden beach. The sand was awkward to walk on and eventually I copy Castiel and take off my shoes, tying the dirty laces together and carry them that way, swinging them like a young child would. In the distance I can hear cars rushing along the main road, but that seems like a world away.

Castiel was the one who dared to start the conversation.

“Why don`t you like it here, Dean?”

Not the same question I had been asked by every single one of my teachers who had asked in over the top chirpy voices asking if I liked it here. It surprised me.

“What makes you think I don`t?” I answer with a slight sneer in my voice. “I love it. Love the views,” I gesture towards the high sea cliffs and then out at the endless waves of blue-grey water, “Love the food and don`t even get me started on the people.”

“I know that two out of three of those are truths.” He retorted closing the gap between us again. “I know that you do in fact love the food and the views. It is the people you have a problem with. You father to be more exact.”

My eyes narrow into thin, angry slits and I glare at him. “If you already know then why ask?” I seethed, angrily showing him away with more difficulty than I thought it would take.

Castiel bows his head in a form of apology. “My apologies, Dean. I am only trying to help.”

“Whatever.” I shrug it off and continue walking alongside him.

He smiles reproachfully. “Maybe it would help if you had someone to talk to about it?” he offers hesitantly.

“No offence, but there is no way in hell I am unloading all my baggage onto some stranger.”

“Ah, but it is because we don`t know each other well that you should tell me. After all, I don’t know you therefore I am unable to pass judgment.”

I will admit that it did make sense. Kind of, but I was still unwilling to trust someone, to let someone in past my barriers. Part of me desperately wanted to, but the more dominant side of my refused it. It was this part that told me to run earlier today, the part that was telling me to do that now. Almost as though he could tell exactly what I was thinking, Castiel places a firm hand on my shoulder, forcing me to stay where I was.

“You cannot keep running forever.” He states plainly, without any smugness, only concern and understanding. “I am well aware of how tempting it can be, but you only end up dragging your trouble behind you.”

I hadn`t realised how late it had gotten until Castiel pointed out that the sun was beginning to set, painting the once blue sky a beautiful rainbow of red, golds and oranges. I didn`t want to go back to John and Kate`s house, but I knew I had very little choice. Not unless I wanted to camp out unprepared on the beach. I would be all for it normally, but something in the other boy`s bright eyes told me that he wasn`t going to let me do that.

“If you walk back to where I left my bike I will give you a lift back to your dad`s house.” He makes the same offer he had earlier when the sun was still high in the sky. How many hours ago had that been? I could say no, I should say no. I didn’t `t want friends, I didn`t need friends. Even back at home I didn`t have friends. Not real ones anyway. Not the kind you could stay up all night talking your problems out with or walking all day along a beach with. I banish the image of me and Castiel and try and try to replace it with someone from back home. Lisa or Lucifer. Neither work.

“Ok.” I finally agree and his whole face lights up as though the thought of walking back alone upset him gravely.

“I`m surprised your family aren`t out here looking for you or phoning you.”

“They aren`t my family.” I bite his head off without meaning to and immediately feel terrible. It wasn`t Castiel`s fault everything was so messed up. Despite my earlier words I find myself opening up just a little.

“John Winchester is not my dad.” I tell him and he looks puzzled but nods anyway. “We share DNA, but that is it. He donated a few of his swimmers and a few months later I popped onto the scene. Turns out he couldn`t take it and cheats on my mum and knocks up this tart, Kate.” I say her name as though it were a curse. If it wasn`t for her then my mum and him would still be together. He wouldn’t have ran off and abandoned me like a piece of trash when I was only twelve years old. Or maybe I had done something to drive him away. Maybe he was just sick of me.

The other boy shuffles his bare feet awkwardly on the cool sand underfoot. “It isn`t her fault, Dean.”

I throw daggers at him. How dare he? What the fucking hell did he know about anything? “How dare-“

“It isn`t your fault either.” He speaks softly, barely whispering.

“Yeah, well,” I grumble, feeling mighty stupid for getting so angry at him. “Anyway, John came back and stayed until I was twelve, then one day just up and leaves one day to live with her and the kid Sam and Ad-“

Why hadn`t it dawned on me before. When I got mad at him about Sam being thirteen I had realised that he must have been cheating on mum since I was three. Why had I never thought about Adam, the younger of the two sprogs? Probably because the kid always hid behind Sam like he was his guardian or something. Adam was seven. Dad had left when I was twelve. I was sixteen now. I was terrible at math but even I knew that sixteen minus twelve was only four.

“That motherfucking, lying piece of shit!” I scream, the anger that had started to calm down over the past few hours spent with can boiling over again. Castiel just stands their quietly, letting me get it all out of my system.

John had said he had only seem Kate that one time when they did the dirty. If that was true, then how did Adam happen? The tooth fairy? Santa Clause? The stork?

“There is no way in hell I am going back there.” I decide, crossing my shaking arms across my chest to try and hide it. Of fucking course Castiel just has to notice and places a comforting arm around my shoulder. Oddly enough I am sorely tempted to lean into it and curl my trembling body around him and let him hold onto me as I cry. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a good cry. The kind where you just give in and let it all come out, the tears, the hate the anger. Everything.

I don`t of course.

“You have to go back, Dean. I told you, you just drag all of your troubles with you.”

“Yeah, well I sure got plenty of them.” I sniff and just for a second, scratch that half a second lean into his comforting touch.

He convinces me to go back of course. The god hearted asshole. The rest of the walk back is uncomfortable, but I still don`t want to say goodbye to him. Maybe because he had listened and not gotten mad at me or judged. Then again, I had barely began to scratch the surface of what was wrong, so maybe he would end up running away screaming at some point. Who knows? For now at least, it was…nice to finally have someone to talk to.

“My bike is just over there.”

He points and my eyes widen. He couldn`t possibly mean that glossy black, dangerous looking piece of machinery over there, could he?

He did.

“Come on, Dean.” He says happily, smiling adoringly at the shiny death-trap the same way I used to look at the impala. He swings a strong leg over and balances, looking over his shoulder as he waits me to get behind him. I gulp, and slowly walk over and pause.

“What? You need a hand up or something, Princess?” he jokes and I slap his left arm playfully, not really wanting to piss him off right now because my life would soon be in his hands.

I clamber up onto it ungracefully, trying to stop feeling so scared. I shyly put my arms on his shoulders, just barely hanging on. Impatient, Castiel reaches round and pulls him closer, securing my arms around his lithe frame.

“No helmet?” I gulp, looking down at the ground.

He just laughs and kick starts the bike and we are suddenly speeding down the road. I say speeding, but we can`t have been going very fast, but it certainly felt it to me. Castiel drove like a natural, the bike seemed to do exactly want he wanted it to do with the slightest movement. Hunched over it, hands encased in leather gloves I hadn`t seen him put on, bending naturally into every turn, he seemed to belong on it.

Me…not so much. I was scared and I knew he knew it judging by the smug smirk he wore and the teasing in his blue eyes. I clung to him desperately, eyes firmly kept shut until I felt the horrendous bike still under me.

“You can let go now, fraidy-cat.” He chuckles. “Your dad`s house is just down there, past that tree.” He points and I see the familiar little house, with its strange red bricks and its beautiful flowerbeds.

“Thanks.”

“Don`t mention it.” The dark haired boy says and I know he wasn`t just saying that to be polite. He didn`t want me to tell anyone about meeting him.

“I won’t.” I promise and awkwardly wave goodbye, wondering if I should mention wanting to see him again. I am about to, but chicken out.

“Yes, Dean. I will see you again soon.”

And without so much as a friendly goodbye he is gone, taillights disappearing into the dark evening.

John was going to be furious, but I didn`t care.


	10. shout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Explain yourself."

“Oh, Dean!” A trembling arm snakes its way around me as soon as the front door clicks shut. Kate is clinging to me tightly, crushing my lungs and depriving them of oh, ya know, oxygen. It wasn`t important. Her floral perfume that was so similar to my mother`s favourite brand fills my nose and I start coughing.

“Get off of me!” I shove her away disgustedly, readjusting the black leather jacket I hadn`t taken off all day.

“Oh, thank goodness you`re home safe!” she gushes and it looks like she is going to pull me in for another hug/chokehold. She soon stops dead in her tracks when she is subjected to the full force of my death glare.

“I`m fine.” I snort, shrugging off the coat and drape it over my black messenger bag. I would take both upstairs in a minute.

“I was so worried about you. John was too.” I notice that she hasn`t called him my dad, which I was grateful for. Maybe she was learning.

“John? John Asshole Winchester?! Worried? About me?” I get right up in her face, green eyes blazing with pure hatred. She gulps and I feel a brief flash of pride. I`d scared her. Good.

“Well, of course he was. When he got the phone call from the school saying you had walked out in the middle of sociology and not come back he was terrified.”

Yeah fucking right.

“He was so scared something might happen to you.” She lies, but to her, I can clearly see it wasn`t a lie. She honest to God believed that he cared about me. More fool her then. Kate might believe his concerned doting father routine, but I didn`t. In her mind he was trying to make up for past mistakes, make up for lost time. Well I knew better.

“Yeah. Terrified I might show up back here on his doorstep.”

“No. That isn’t it at all, Dean. He was so worried he left work straight away to go out and search for you.”

“Well he didn`t do a very good job, did he?” I mock.

I knew I shouldn`t be taking my anger out on her, but I just couldn`t hold it in. Mom would be terribly disappointed in me, not that I gave damn. That seemed to be her default mode now. Disappointed in Dean or mad at Dean. Castiel would be disappointed in me too and that thought bothered me more than it should have.

“Sam and Adam were concerned too. They adore you so much. When they got out of school Sam insisted on gathering up a group of his friends and went out looking for you as well. Adam wouldn`t stop screaming and crying until Sam agreed to take him too.”

Well that was kind of sweet, I suppose. I think of Sam with his floppy brown hair and big inquisitive eyes. Then of Adam with his gap tooth grin and shy smile as he pokes his head out from behind his older brother`s legs. It wasn`t their fault. They hadn`t asked for this, for any of this. It`s not like they asked to be born. They didn`t make my dad cheat on my mom. Then I remember what had angered me on the beach and the anger and all of the hatred flares up again.

“I thought you only saw each other that one time?” The question burns my throat. Kate just looks confused.

“John said you met one time at a bar and went off and slept together and never saw each other again until years and years later when he ran off. Well then how did Adam appear?”

She looks pale and sick, frozen in place, cell phone clutched tightly in her hand. She was probably alerting John that I had finally stopped being stupid and figured it out.

“We met a few times after that.” She admits in a timid whisper. “But I didn`t force him to come with me. I didn`t even know he was married until he showed up and told me he was leaving her. I told John I was leaving America to come back home because I missed my family. I didn`t force him to leave but he said he wanted to be with us.” She says, all teary eyed. Of course he wanted to be with you. Why the hell would he have wanted to stay with me?

I wanted to be pissed at her, to punch her, but I knew that she was telling the truth. Or what she though was the truth. She met a man in a bar one night and got pregnant. They probably lost contact for a bit while she raised the little snot nosed sprog out of diapers. Then out of the blue he calls her. Probably after a row with his wife who she knew nothing about. Then they start meeting secretly and a while after that another bouncing baby brat appears on the scene. Things go well for a little while longer and then she decides to move back home and he leaves with her, carelessly abandoning his other family. His real family. Me.

The front door bursts open and crashes against the wall with a loud thud. Sam and Adam come tearing in. John slams the door shut behind him without bothering to lock it.

“Well, explain yourself.” He growls while throwing his work boots roughly into the shoe cupboard under the stairs. “Why did you run out of school? Why didn`t you come home and why the hell didn`t you answer your God damn phone, Dean?!” he rages, spit flying everywhere oh so pleasantly.

Before, back when this stranger was still my hero, I always burst out crying whenever he raised his voice at me. Now I felt oddly proud. At least he still remembered I existed.

“John, maybe we should all just calm down and let Dean explain. Boys, go upstairs. Sam, run Adam`s bath and then have your shower and go to bed. It`s late.”

Sam and Adam linger uncertainly in the doorway.

“Now boys, do as your mother says.” John says tiredly, rubbing his temple.

Sam speaks up in a shaky voice, “We want to see Dean and make sure he is ok. Can we see him, just for a minute?”

John grudgingly lowers his head and nods stiffly just the once. They both race over and before I can do anything to push them off or scare them both away, their arms are wrapped tightly around me. It wasn`t as bad as you might imagine, it was actually kind of…pleasant. The two younger boys were nice and warm at least and it was nice to feel wanted for once.

“We are so happy you`re back safe, Dean.” Adam snuggles closer and I tense up.

“Yeah, it would be weird without you here now, we`re family.”

“Sam, we are not family.” I had no family, not anymore. All they did was bring you down, ruin you.

“Yes we are.” The thirteen year old insists before letting go and taking hold of Adam`s small hand. “Come on Adam lets go get your bath run and get you ready to go to bed.”

The child pouts, “But I`m not sleepy.” He yawns and Sam breaks out into a big smile. They both scurry off a few seconds later looking genuinely happy that I had returned safe.

_Weird._

John looks a lot calmer now sitting down in his favourite armchair, his legs resting on the coffee table on top of a pile of home décor magazines. Kate was hovering next to him anxiously, chewing on her pink lower lip.

“Why don`t you go to bed now? You must be getting tired too.” Kate suggests and I am too exhausted to fight for once. “You should probably call your mum first though, she was panicking like crazy on the phone earlier.” The image of Kate having a phone conversation with the woman who has hated her guts for so long makes me smile.

“We will talk about this in the morning Dean.” John warns.

“And by talk you mean yell? Can`t wait.” I roll my eyes. “But you will never get me to go back to that dump.”

His eyes narrow. “Well we have to educate you. It is the law, like it or not.”

“I hate it here!” I scream and pick up one of the beautiful hand sewn cushions from the couch and punch it repeatedly before hurling it across the room at him. He catches it calmly, which only serves to make me even more furious. “And I hate you! I will never, ever forgive you for what you have done. You are not my father! You have no right to try and tell me what to do. You ran out on me and it destroyed my life! You have no right to act like this, like you give a damn. You are nothing to me.” I spit, satisfied with the silence that follows my outburst.

His eyes widen and I see a little spark of hurt in his eyes. It felt good. Maybe, deep down running off like that wasn`t just about getting away, maybe it was about hurting him. Causing him pain exactly like he had caused me.

I storm out of the room and race up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I felt sick, my eyes were stinging with salty tears I was determined would not fall and my chest felt like it was likely to burst open at any second. I push past Sam in the landing and make a mad dash into the bathroom and collapse over the toilet. I heave but nothing comes out apart from bile.

I was sick of it all. I wanted to go home. This crappy little seaside town in some strange country was not my home and they were not my family. Kansas used to be my home, but that was back when I still had a family there to love and protect me. Families were supposed to keep you safe and love you unconditionally. So where was mine? I just wanted to belong somewhere, anywhere, but wherever I went, wherever I was sent off to when mom had finally had enough was never home. I never belonged anywhere. I was just a misdirected parcel that nobody wanted and kept trying to return to sender.

I don`t sleep well at all that night. The wind battered against the windows and rattled the chains on the ancient old swing set outside. I still felt sick, but the anger had just drained away leaving an empty feeling in my chest. I didn`t want to care about any of this. Maybe, if I could just distance myself from my emotions it would hurt less. I think I would rather feel nothing at least then I wouldn`t have to feel like this.

Morning comes far too soon. The week British sun peaks out from behind a cloud every so often, bathing the neatly kept garden in a golden light. I ignore it and roll back over, pulling the floral duvet right up over my head. I am roughly shaken and kick out of whoever it was, feeling very satisfied when I manage to make contact with their stomach. The feeling soon evaporates when I see a gangly kid with messy hair.

“Sam! I thought you were someone else. I`m really sorry.” I truly was and I think he knows this because he just smiles at me like he forgives me even though I have no right to it.

“It`s okay, I was just told to wake you up when I was ready to go to school.”

“I told him last night I am not going back there.”

Sam shrugs and tells me that he doesn`t know what to do. I eventually follow the kid downstairs, dressed only in my boxers and the shirt I had been wearing yesterday to make it clear I had no intention of getting dressed and going anywhere. Kate was dressed in a nurse`s uniform, neat black trousers, a deep blue shirt with a large pocket over the left breast with a black pen in it and sensible flat shoes. Guess she was working the early shift at the Doctor`s today. She also did the occasional nightshift at the hospital in Norwich.

“Sam, Adam hurry up and I will drop you off before work.” She tells them and flashes a brief smile at me as she leaves to go and wait in the car.

John is perched on his favourite chair. Looks like he wasn`t working today, or maybe he had the morning off and was expected in later. Who knows? Must be a perk of co-owning your own business, choosing your own hours.

“Now Dean, we have both had time to cool off and think about what happened and what needs to be done.”

I stare blankly ahead, pretending to ignore him. The painting on the wall of the beach was nice. Certainly interesting. I liked the use of colour and the seagulls looked pretty realistic.

“The school has refused to take you back after your little runaway yesterday. While Kate and I try and persuade them to come around and look for other schools in the area just in case they don`t come around, we are at a bit off a loss.”

“I ain`t going to some poncy boarding school.”

Kate rushes back in, “Sorry, forgot my keys. Have you told him about the plan yet? A co-worker of mine does it, she says it is much easier than you think and not even very expensive.”

I look up at her, clearly confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh! He hasn`t told you yet.” She said while hunting for her car keys. “We could home school you.”

 

 

 

 


	11. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I admit that what I did was wrong, but people are allowed to make mistakes, Dean. And I love Kate, Sam and Adam.”

“Home school?” I echo, wondering just what the hell this crazy old guy was thinking. I mean, home schooling? Like what poncy, snobbish, rich parents forced their little brats into? No thanks.

Kate rushes past me, accidently knocking into me in her haste to find the missing keys to her Ford Fiesta. John was forbidden to drive it, I had learnt that fairly early on. He had a love of speed and a bad habit of not tidying up after himself if it was someone else`s car or else just a crappy, sorry excuse for a car. Heaven forbid someone dared to forget about their empty soda bottle in his beloved Impala though. That poor sap needed all the luck he got. The blonde haired woman shoots me a quick, apologetic smile before dashing off into the kitchen to continue the hunt. A few minutes later I hear the front door close and the car start up and she was gone and I was left alone with him.

“Yes, Dean. Home education is something we started looking into last night as a part time solution.” He explains, seeing my horrified face. “Not for a very long time, hopefully. Just until we can convince the school to take you back, or if worst comes to the worst, we can get you another place at a different school.”

Yippee.

The possibility of yet another new school made me feel positively sick. Not that I was eager to ever step foot in that shithole of a school ever again, but at least it was close to the beach if I ever needed to make a quick escape. Sure, school sucked, but did that mean I wanted to be cadged up inside the house for five days a week, hidden behind a ginormous text book? No fricken way.

“What with it being the summer holidays coming up in three weeks it might prove difficult to get a meeting with anyone at the school or at any other school until they reopen. This will only be a temporary fix to a complicated situation, Dean.” Johnny Rain Cloud tries and fails to reassure me with a rare (and obviously forced) smile. His pale, cracked lips were stretched out thinly and I felt the rage well up inside of me again. How dare he smile at me like that? The way he used to, as though nothing had changed. It was disgusting.

“You disgust me.”

He stays silent and turns away. I hope it hurt. I hope he can sense just how much I hate him.

“Maybe it`s time you and me had a little chat.” He suggests, fluffing one of the beautiful handmade cushions and sits down on the couch instead of his armchair. Boy, did I feel honoured. “Have a seat.”

“I`ll stand.” I throw him a dirty look and fold my arms across my chest.

He sighs, but nods. “Why did you do it, Dean?”

I raise one eyebrow. “Why did I do what?” I question in a mocking tone. “Run away from school? It`s not like I properly ran away, I did come back.” I am fairly positive that I wouldn’t have, had it not been for Castiel, but of course, I don`t tell him this. I decide to be extra spiteful, to turn the knife just that little bit more. The same way he had when he ran off and replaced me with Sam and Adam.

“Yeah, I came back.” I take a deep breath. “Unlike you.”

He visibly flinches, and I feel grimly satisfied. Whether it was from the icy words or the bitter, cruel tone, I don`t know. Or care. It pained him, and that was all that mattered to me.

“Dean. You have no right to say those kinds of things to me! Your mother and I divorced, it was not the end of the world. Lots of couples do it. Stop acting like you are the only one it was difficult for.”

I can`t help it. I lean back, throw back my head and let it out. A loud laugh that lacked any kind of joy, only resentment. I sounded half mad and maybe I was.

“I told you this before, Asshat! You have no fucking right to tell me what to do, you are nothing to me. Nothing. Certainly not my father. You fucking walked out, abandoning your wife and twelve year old son. You didn`t give two shits about either of us, especially not me, and you still don`t.”

Unlike him, I do not yell, not this time. I speak calmly and clearly, fury and venom colouring each and every syllable of my words.

“You single handedly tore apart my life and it broke me. So I don`t give a flying fuck if you have a problem with how I am acting, because you know what?” I spit directly in his face, not even frightened of how he might react.

I think for a second that he might hit me, but decide that I don`t care. I would fight back. Lucifer had taught me a trick or two about fighting dirty. I almost hope he does throw the first punch, because then nobody could blame me for retaliating. In the end, he doesn`t.

“You know what?” I push him for an answer to the venomous question, knowing fine well I wasn`t about to get one. “You did this to me.” I grin, green eyes dark and blazing with anger.

“Get over it, you pathetic little boy!” He roars, rising from the sofa in one fast movement. “People split up, people make mistakes, Dean. Things never worked with your mother, never. We practically hated each other`s guts most of the time, but only pretended to have a happy marriage because of you.”

“Oh that`s fucking, lovely. Real charming.” I sneer. “Blame the kid. Of course. Why didn`t I think of it sooner? Of course it was all my fault.”

He carries on raging at me as though I hadn`t even opened my mouth. “I admit that what I did was wrong, but people are allowed to make mistakes, Dean. And I love Kate, Sam and Adam.”

I don`t miss that fact that I was not included on that list.

“I am happy, we are happy. Why can`t you just accept that? Or must everything always be all about you and what you want? Must you always be so selfish?!”

Careful old man, those are fighting words.

“Kate thinks that we should talk it all out, so come on, Dean. Let`s talk it out.”

I scoff, “Fat chance. You wouldn’t even bother to listen to me anyway. You never did.” I can still remember that day vividly. I was screaming and crying and pleading for him to come back, and of course, he never did. “I begged for you to come back, I screamed and I sobbed and I even fucking prayed. So why didn`t you fucking listen?!”

My eyes sting and I angrily wipe at them with a rough hand. He was not going to make me cry. Not again. My entire body felt week, like if I could just give in and lie down I would be able to sleep for a whole week, maybe even two.

His expression softens ever so slightly. “I`m sorry, Son, but I am listening now.”

I sigh and shake my head, too weakened from yet another shouting match to really have a proper dig at him for calling me that. All I say about it is, “I am not your son.” and leave it at that.

“Come on, Dean.” He urges. “You wanted me to listen to you and now I am. Now, what do you want to tell me?”

Four years I had spent thinking and dreaming of all of the things I would say to him should I ever see him again, most nasty, but some were just hurt and confused and wanting to know why. Why he did it? How could he do it? Now he was here and wanting to listen and my mind was a blank.

“I don`t know.” I shrug.

“Okay then. I`ll start.” He says softly, almost gently and I am reminded of hot summer days where he would play out in the garden with me for hours, filling up a giant paddling pool on the hottest days, sometimes even letting me play with the hose and not even complaining that I was wasting so much water. “The grass could use a drink.” He would always say with a smile. I remember whenever I had a nightmare or was scared of the thing hiding in my closet or under my bed, waiting to pounce, he would come in with a glass of warm milk and a bedtime story to help me settle down again. Where had that man gone? He was my hero once.

“You must know that this isn`t a healthy, appropriate way to behave, Dean. Mary was frantic on the phone to Kate last night, and I bet you still haven`t called her, have you?”

I shake my head silently and he sighs.

“After this conversation you will use the house phone and call her. Am I understood?”

I just nod.

“I just don`t understand. Most kids adjust fine to their parents splitting up, but not you. Why do you do these sorts of things, Dean? Mary has told me all about the drinking, the sneaking out, the bunking off, the girls, and not to mention that girlfriend`s pregnancy scare a few months back. Why, Dean? You could have a bright future ahead of you, why must you insist on ruining it?”

That was when I saw red and the new found calmness ebbs away. I was no longer tired, I was ready for war.

“My life was ruined the day you walked out that front door! You took my happiness, my childhood and my future with you.”

I watch smugly as his entire face creases up with guilt.

“I am sorry you feel that way, truly, but you cannot go on acting like this.” He says, getting up and walking out into the hallway to retrieve his work boots. “I am going into town with Kate tomorrow to pick up some supplies and then you will start this home schooling thing. You will work hard and complete all the work we set for you.” He tells me sternly, his face still creased up, dark circles and heavy bags under his eyes.

“And it I don`t?”

He ignores me, he has gotten pretty damn good at it over the years. “You will continue to work hard until we can get the school to reconsider or find you another one. If this turns out to be a long term solution, then we will have to have a talk with your mother and see what she thinks will be best.”

I stare blankly at him. “I don`t see why I have to go to school anyway. I`m sixteen.” I grumble.

“The law changed a few years back. Kids must stay in school now until they are eighteen.”

My eyes widen in horror. “I am not staying here that long! There is no way in hell I am staying here for another two months, let alone two years.”

“We will just have to see what works out, wont we?”

“Oh, just do one, you old bastard.”

“I want you to stay in the house while Kate and I are at work today. She will be home at around four with the boys and I won`t be back until six. Try not to destroy the house while we are not here.” He warns.

The front door slams shut soon afterwards. I peer out from behind the pristine net curtains, being careful not to be seen and wait for him to drive away. I wait tensely for ten minutes to make sure he doesn`t come back before grabbing my black messenger bag. I empty out my school things like my notebook, pens and pencils and replace them with a mix of cheese, ham and sausage sandwiches. They weren`t neat, but they would be edible. Two large bottles of water also find their way into the bag, along with my real leather wallet, phone (which was turned off) and my IPod. Screw calling mom, she didn`t care either. She sent me away, to _him_.

I rush up the stairs and pull open the nearest draw in the search for clean clothes. I find another pair of torn at the knee jeans, an almost new shirt I had paid a ridiculous amount of cash for at a recent concert with Lucifer and clean boxers. I take them into the bathroom with me, showering in record time. Once ready, I run back down, grab my bag and leave. I exit through the back garden, walking down the side of the house and through the back gate, making sure to lock it behind me. Nobody would have to know I had ever left, so long as I was back for four.

I had no idea if the strange boy, Castiel would be at the beach again today, but a large part of me hoped that he was. He was really the only person here I could talk to, or even wanted to talk to. Besides, I had very strict orders not to leave the house, so why on Earth would I stay inside on such a beautiful, sunny day?

 

 

 


	12. Let it go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have been hurt so much and by the people who should have made it their duty to protect you from harm. You were let down and betrayed and you have every right to be angry, Dean. John made his choices and you have had to deal with them for all these time. It can`t have been easy.”

 

I keep my head down as I stroll down the path, setting a leisurely pace and turn away from the road whenever a car drove past me to avoid being seen. Thankfully, only a handful of cars speed by, all ignoring the legal limit. I spot one middle aged businessman type with a receding hairline yelling down the phone at some poor bastard and feel guilty for not calling mom yet. The guilt soon washes away with the sand as soon as the grey blue water comes into sight. I run over the dunes, the sharp grass and weeds pricking the skin on my lower leg as I brush past them and I curse my stupid ripped jeans. The stairs that lead the way down to the beach are old, but stronger than they look as I race down them towards the sand littered with stones and seaweed.

A lone dark figure in the distance catches my eye. Leaning casually over the rocks where we had first met was a tall young man, maybe a little older than me with windswept hair and bright blue eyes. I couldn`t see clearly from way over here, but I just knew it was him. The strange boy I had met on the beach. Castiel. He raises his head and glances up the unstable looking stairway and grins and waves madly, even though he couldn`t possibly have a good enough view to be able to tell it was me. Then again, if I could recognise him from this distance, maybe he recognised my leather jacket or something. His mouth opens and he must have shouted up to me, but his words are carried off out to sea on the wind.

“What took you so long?” Castiel questions, a huge welcoming smile forming on his chapped lips. “I`ve been waiting here for hours.” He complains, but the smile on his face never fades or falters so I know he was only teasing me.

Today his dark hair was even messier, proving that he had been out here waiting for some time. A fleecey tartan blanket was wrapped securely around his shoulders to keep the wind off. Even though it would soon be the summer break, it wasn`t very warm, even though the sun was shining brightly in an almost cloudless sky. Guess England wasn`t known for its heatwaves. Who knew? The thought of someone being so eager to see me that they would stand out and wait on a deserted beach all morning for me makes me feel all warm inside. It was certainly not something Lucifer or Lisa would do for me. Not even if all of Hell froze over and the real Devil showed up to shake hands.

“What the hell took so long? Castiel repeats.

“John was being a douche as per.” I begin to explain, but stop myself from saying anymore. I didn`t want this guy`s pity, then again Castiel didn`t seem like the kind of person who would offer you any even if you did.

“Oh.” he frowns, dark eyebrows creasing together, “how?”

I shrug, and gently shove him over so I can perch next to him on the same rock. We were a little closer than I usually was comfortable with, and had it been with Lucifer or Crowley, they would probably have tried to make some big gay joke out of it.

“Yelling, shouting, screaming. The whole nine yards. He told me I was pathetic and basically said that I just needed to get a grip.” I rant, unable to control my anger yet again. Now that I had started it was hard to stop, to contain it, to make the words come back.

Castiel just sits there silently listening the entire, his expression ranging from confusion, to sadness to anger. I pause, embarrassed and he smiles shyly and encourages me to go on. “You need to be able to get all of this off of your chest, Dean. Then and only then will you be capable of moving past all that has happened to you. It seems to me that while you both are angry at each other, you will continue to lash out, hurting each other and making the situation even worse.” It was his turn to look embarrassed now. Cheeks flushed pink he chuckles awkwardly, “Well, I mean, I am no therapist, so feel free to just ignore that and please continue if you like. It might help to be able to vent to someone outside of the situation, a neutral party if you like.”

I nod once appreciatively, not wanting to admit to him that he might possibly be bang on the money. “And then after a huge fight he threatened me with home education and I lost it and we yelled at each other again and he told me to stay in the house and that`s when I came here.” To find you. For obvious reasons I leave that last part unsaid.

He just sits there, shocked. “I am sorry, Dean.” he says finally, his deep voice grave. I could tell he meant it. It was laughable really. Here I was spilling my guts, my entire pathetic sob story to some guy I had only known for like a day. What was this, some crappy teen rom-com? The kind of shit chicks would stay in and bawl/giggle over on a Friday night? A sappy Disney flick? No way, nuh-uh. Not my life. That wasn`t me. If this _was_ one of those kinds of romantic things, my fairy godmother would come and give me some glass slippers and a pumpkin coach. Well, sorry, this Cinderella just isn`t interested. Sorry to disappoint. Buh-bye now.

“Not your fault, Cas.” I tell him and it was true. It wasn`t his, or Sam or Adams if I was being honest. It was Kate`s for stealing John away and his for running out like a coward. Maybe I should try and cut the two kids some slack. I don`t have a clue what either of them see in me, but they keep hanging around and bringing me food and they did seem genuinely worried about me last night after my not so great escape.

“Cas?” he tilts his head to the slide, reminding me of something a loyal puppy might do.

I shrug, “Yeah. It`s your new nickname. Don`t ask where it came from, I honest to Gods don`t have a Scooby Doo.”

He frowns again and tilts his head further to the right. Hadn`t anyone ever told him he could hurt his neck doing that. Jesus Christ, what an idiot. “I am afraid I don`t understand. “Cas states blankly, staring right ahead at the choppy waves. The sound when the crashed against the other rocks was almost deafening from our makeshift seating area.

“It`s from a children`s cartoon, Cas.” I explain patiently, wondering what kind of shitty, torturous childhood this kid must have had to not know about the awesomeness of Scooby Doo. “It was about a group of meddling kids that had a talking dog called Scooby Doo. Velma, Daphne, Fred and this stoned hippy, Shaggy.” I am unable to bite back a huge smile as my new friend`s face. “They drove around and solved supernatural type mysterious, normally revealing that the monsters were only normal humans after all.”

“Oh. I think I would like to watch that someday.”

My grin widens to match his, “Sure. You should come over someday and we can definitely do that. Sam was watching some DVDs of it the other day. I didn`t sit and watch it with him or anything, I had just went downstairs to get a drink but I saw it was on and I guess it just reminded me of how much I loved it as a kid.” If I had been explaining my childish love to anyone but Cas, I would have been beetroot red with shame right about now, but he was smiling and seemed just as eager to watch it as I was.

“I would very much like to do that, Dean, but I am afraid I can`t.”

My face falls, “Why not?”

“It is complicated, but I am not really the best choice for a guest and besides, I don`t think it would be wise for me to show up while things are still so unsettled at the house between you all. I would hate to get in the way.”

“Dude,” I begin, determined to get him to come over. “I am going out of my mind with boredom, you gotta keep me company or I might actually just go insane.”

“I am more than happy to meet up with you here, or grab a coffee sometime.” The older boy offers, but it sounded strained and I immediately call him out on it.

“Look, Cas, if you don`t want to me my friend that`s fine, but don`t just string me along and fake being nice and shit.” I couldn`t deal with that. Being left alone again, unwanted and disposed of.

His eyes turn sincere, his bright blue meeting my own green. I force myself to look away quick sharp. Not quick enough, however, to miss the brief flash of hurt this causes him. When I had been banished here I had promised myself that I wasn`t going to get involved to anyone or anything. I was going to cold and cruel and angry and scare off anyone in a three mile radius. I wasn`t here to make friends, to get attached. I needed to remember that.

“I would never do that to anyone, Dean.” He promises, eyes fixed directly on me and I desperately want to believe him, but I just don`t know if I am ready to take that risk, if I am even strong enough.

“Here.” I rummage about in my bag for a second before pulling out the food I had packed. He gladly take one of the water bottles ad takes a long swig. “Sandwiches.” I hand him one of each kind, stating the obvious. “Eat up.”

We eat quietly just calmly watching the grey-blue waves pound away endlessly at the cold yellow sand, watch as the salty air picks up and deposits small scraps of littler before dumping them back on the ground again. Not a single soul was in sight, unless you counted the big seagulls that hopped about down by the water pecking at the damp seaweed hoping to find some food. It wasn`t long before they notice us, or more specifically our packed lunch.

“I always wanted to be a bird.” Cas blurted out before he could stop himself. “I wanted to be able to fly, sometimes I even half thought I could.” He finishes off by tearing apart his cheese sandwich and throwing to the scavenging birds, causing a small panic as they fight amongst themselves.

I chuckle, “Bet that turned out really well for you.”

He too, laughs, “I jumped off of the top of our garden shed and broke my wrist. My older brother Gabriel found me and somehow managed to persuade me to let him pick out the colour of my cast because he was the one who alerted mum and dad.”

I can actually see it now, an adorable baby Cas with even scruffier hair and muddy trainers clambering up on top of a rotten blue shed. In his naïve childhood innocence convincing him that he could actually do it.

“What colour did you end up getting?” I ask, curious.

“Bright pink.” He sighs, rolling his eyes at his own silly mistake. “I should never have trusted Gabriel. He was always pulling stupid pranks on me, just because I was the youngest.”

“Was?”

Another sigh, a sad, drawn out sound that actually hurt a little to hear coming from Cas. “We don`t see each other anymore. He is fine as far as I know, we just lost contact.”

“Shame.” I do my best to sympathise, but seeing as I wasn`t exactly Mr Happy Families, it probably didn`t come off to sympathetic, probably more snarky. “But in my experience, family does nothing but tear you down, cause you pain. I wish I never had to see mine again.”

Cas looks horrified, but almost as though he understands as well. “You have been hurt so much and by the people who should have made it their duty to protect you from harm. You were let down and betrayed and you have every right to be angry, Dean. John made his choices and you have had to deal with them for all these time. It can`t have been easy.”

A hesitant arm snakes itself around my shoulder and I tense up, but it doesn`t retract. “Just-just leave it, Cas. The past is the past. I can`t change it no matter how much I want to.”

“No,” he agrees earnestly, “You cannot. What you can do is make a choice.”

My ears prick up and I turn to face him, sausage sandwich forgotten on my lap. What choices did I have? I had no say in anything. I was forced to come here, forced to see him again, forced along to try and play happy fucking families and guess what? I wasn`t happy. I couldn`t even go back home, because mum didn`t want me and if I was being complete honest, neither did my so called friends. I could hardly just move out of John`s oh so beautiful house. I was out of options, out of chances. I had been given more than enough warnings, and I had blown every single one.

“You have the choice, Dean. You can chose to continue down this rocky road you are on, gradually become even lonelier and watching as all of the broken promises and regrets pile up.” He pauses, to gauge my reaction. I wanted to hit him, and had it been someone else I know they wouldn`t have been going home with their damned kneecaps, but this was different. This was Cas, the only person I could really talk to. I could at least here the guy out, he was pretty wise.

“You could choice to just let it go. All of the anger, the hate, the self-loathing and the pain. Just take a deep breath, hold it and let it out.”

It wasn`t half tempting, I`ll admit, but I had no idea how to go about letting it all go. For three whole years my entire world was focused around John`s betrayal, centred around my hatred for the man I was cursed to call my father. How could I just let go of that?

“I don`t know how, I just don`t know how.” I admit in a soft voice, my voice cracking as though I was about to cry.

The arm around my shoulders tightens and instead of angrily pushing it away like I had done with Kate, I find myself leaning into it. It was warm, and comforting. No, Cas was warm and comforting. He shifts back slightly so that I can huddle up closer, wrapping the fleece blanket around me loosely. He must have been cold now, but if he was, he doesn`t show it. For the first time in three long, emotionally draining years, I do the unthinkable. I cry. I sob. I bawl like a new born baby. The tears come quickly, desperate to finally be given the chance to be released.

“I`m here, I`ve got you. I can`t promise that everything will be alright, I can`t promise that I will always be able to protect you from the hurt, Dean, but I am here and I am your friend and I care terribly.”

He rubs soothing circles on my back like mom had when I was a kid. I am happy he doesn`t tell me things will be okay, or make silly little promises he won`t be able to keep. I had had it up to here with empty promises, my own miserable ones included.

“I don`t know how to let go, Cas. It hurts to damn much. If I let go of the hatred that has filled me up for so long, who will I be? Will I even be me anymore?” I panic. “I can`t even remember what it was like to be that wide eyed little kid anymore, I can`t go back to being him. I just can`t.” I plead with him with my tear filled eyes, which were still overflowing and staining my face with salty fluid. “Who will I be without all of the anger and hatred?”

He pushes me away and it feels like a knife in the chest.

“You will be Dean. Not Dean Winchester or Dean Campbell. Dean. You will be strong and good and you will be a survivor.” His sapphire eyes blaze with something I can`t quite determine. Faith maybe? Didn`t he know all I ever did was disappoint people? Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t care. Maybe, just maybe he believed in me still. Maybe he was going to be the one who finally cared enough to look past the snarky attitude and see the hurt and the distrust and the longing inside.

“Just take a deep breath, Dean.”

Trembling and spluttering, I do what he says. I open my mouth as wide as I could without looking like a giant fish, feel the sea air fill my lungs with fresh oxygen and hold it.

I am rewarded with a huge, comforting smile. “And just let it all out.”

 

 

 


	13. Sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don`t give me that rubbish, Dean. You haven`t been fine since you arrived here, have you?”

I made it back to the house just before Kate did, slamming the front door shut at forty two minutes past three. I sprint up the stairs to dump my bag in my bedroom, shrugging off my black leather jacket on the way. I throw them next to the pine chest of draws, emptying out my still switched off phone and IPod, which I plug into charge. After the awkward blubbering session where I humiliated myself by crying into the guy`s shirt like whiny little baby, we had both sat down and listened to it, feeding the leftover sandwiches to the gulls. They wouldn`t have let us alone if we hadn`t. Cas was kind enough to insist that he give me a ride back home again on his black two wheeled death trap. It wasn`t as bad this time, now that I knew not to freeze up and have a mild panic attack whenever we approached a turn and just lean into it naturally as he did. I still clung on for dear life to my new found friend though.

“At this rate of improvement I might just let you drive by the end of the week.” Cas had joked, his pink lips curling upwards into an amused grin as he pulled up just out of eyesight from the living room window, even though I had told him repeatedly that there was nobody home.

Now he was long gone and I found myself missing his calming presence more than I would like to admit. I had come here so alone and lost and with a thunderous attitude that might even make a storm cloud tremble with fear. Yet here was this guy who didn`t even know me, who had no relation to me whatsoever and here he was willingly spending time with me, waiting out for hours on a cold, neglected beach just on the off chance I would possibly show up.

I fall backwards onto my single bed, scoffing at the disgustingly girly floral print duvet and close my eyes. I hadn`t been sleeping well at all, even though I spent almost all of my free time hiding under the blankets trying to block it all out. The time when I wasn`t spent arguing with John, that is. I sigh deeply and pick up my cell phone and for the first time in days, I switch the damned thing on. It takes an eternity for the screen to light up, play an annoyingly upbeat tune and display the lock screen. While Cas had never badgered or hounded me to contact my mother, unlike John and Kate, he had fleetingly mentioned it. Said some stupid crap about how I would only feel worse and the longer it took to do it the harder it would become. Hesitantly I open up my short list of contacts. I used to have louds, but I had deleted most of them over time. Why did I want to contact my family anyway? All family ever did was fuck you up, they didn`t care, not really. Only because they had to, which sure as hell wasn`t the same as wanting to.

Reluctantly I select the right contact and dial. My stomach tightened into a tangle of tricky knots and I hold my breath. It rings once, twice, three times, four, five times more and it quickly become evident that she isn`t going to pick up. I hadn`t expected her to on the first ring, or even the second, but she should have answered. Scowling, I hurl the phone onto the bed, ignoring the posh answerphone voice. Remembering Cas`s earlier words I pick it up again and leave a quick message.

“Hey. It`s me. Dean.” My voice comes out clipped and harsh, but I don`t care. This was the woman who had easily and without regret shipped me off to an alien country, putting a whole God damned ocean between us. “You know, just in case you have forgotten who that is, it`s me, your son. Anyway I`m not going to apologise for running off, just so you know. I am not sorry, so why would I say I was? You always said not to lie.”

I frown and run a hand through my short hair out of frustration. This wasn`t going well. Not at all. Cas would be so disappointed in me, not that I cared obviously. Except I did. I was used to being a disappointment to everyone, and everyone knew straight away I was going to end up letting them down, so they never even gave me a chance because they knew it was stupidly pointless.

“So, um…I`m okay, I guess. Not brilliant and I hate it here and John is being a Class A Asshole, but I can deal.” I would have to deal. No amount of whining and crying as going to get her to reconsider. I almost mention Sam and Adam, my two younger half-brothers. It was the first time that thinking of them as that doesn`t make me feel sick or make the aches and knots in my heart and gut tighten uncomfortably.

“John probably told you this but the school has refused to take me back so it`s home schooling until further notice. Fun right?” I choke out a smile and a brief, humourless laugh for her benefit. I was furious at her still, but that wasn`t going to get me a plane ticket back. Though for certain reasons I wasn`t quite so eager to leave anymore.

“Bye.”

There is an irritating bleeping noise from the answerphone and I place the phone down on the bed next to me, not bothering to lock it. It wasn`t like anyone was going to come in and search through it. They wouldn’t dare. Not like there was anything to hide anyway. I had less than ten contacts and only a pitiful three of them were friends. The rest consisted of mum`s cell and work number, and now I had been forced to add John and Kate`s number to the pathetic list. Sam had badgered me to add him to my puny contact list too, which I still hadn`t done. What would the floppy haired kid want to talk to me about anyway? We were polar opposites. What with his permanent hopeful smile that reminded me of a cocker spaniel puppy and eager to help attitude he was as far away from snarky teenager as you could get.

Bored, I pick the device up again and scroll through old messages. I had a really bad habit of waiting for months and months before deleting old texts. The last message I had received was from Kate a few minutes ago, kindly informing me that she would be home in ten minutes with Sam and Adam and asking if I would like to come to the shops with them tomorrow. I reply even though it was pretty pointless seeing as she would be driving and wouldn`t even see the text until she got home.

Trying to hold back the hurt I realise that Lucifer, Lisa and Crowley hadn`t even bothered to text or call once to find out how I was adjusting. Great friends. I hated to admit it, but I was starting to maybe, just maybe, possibly kind of see what mum had been getting at when she was dissing them. Hell, Cas had shown more genuine concern for me in the brief hours I had known him than they had in the entire time I had lived just round the block from them.

The front door opens at exactly twelve minutes past four and I find myself leaving the comfort of my scarcely filled room and go and welcome them home in a less angry tone than I would have used even as recently as yesterday. Don`t get me wrong, I still was far from ready to play happy families with anyone, especially John, but maybe Cas had something there with the whole “letting it all go,” bullcrap. Worth a shot, right? I was miserable as sin as it was, I guess it couldn`t hut to give it a try. I was certainly far from ready to forgive and forget, but maybe I could give being a little more pleasant and sociable a shot.

John came home at six o clock on the dot just as he specified earlier and we all eat in the dining room, Kate was a pretty damned good cook. Way better than the inedible swill mum produced most days anyway. Adam seemed to be opening up a little, losing some of that admittedly adorable shyness as he sat swinging his chubby little legs as he sat at next to me, telling me all about his day. Being seven years old these days sounded way more difficult today than it did when I was his age. Back then it was all fun class trips to farms to feed the pigs and worksheets you could colour in afterwards. I actually used to be a pretty good student, I never came top of the class, but I was one of the kids everyone had high expectations for. And then John went and blew it for me. Ran off and left me confused and angry.

And unable to take the blame for my own mistakes, it seems.

I had always known it wasn`t his fault for my failing grades, lousy attitude and sudden disrespect for all things authority related. He wasn`t the one who introduced me to my unsavoury friends, he didn`t force the cheap booze down me, nor did he nearly knock up his fifteen year old on/off again girlfriend. Deep down, I guess I had always know that. I was mad and bitter and hateful and it is always easier to admit that you are angry than hurt. Always miles simpler to lash out with hurtful words and set out to disappoint people from the get go rather than let them down along the way.

For the first time in a very long time I feel guilty. Not just a little guilty or ashamed, full on pain in the stomach, lump in your throat the size of Texas, head swimming as I recall all of my past failures. Too many to name.

Sam notices something was up and gently nudges my left leg with his foot, looking up from his plate stacked high with meat and veg with concerned eyes. I try to pretend I hadn`t noticed, but then he does it again. Harder this time.

“Dean, is everything alright?” he questions softly, in hope that the others don`t notice, but they do. Of fucking course they do. Got to appreciate the kid trying though.

“Sweetie, do you feel sick?” Kate instantly rushes over, abandoning her own dinner. The dinner she had slaved over as soon as she had come home until just a few minutes ago.

“I feel fine, just tired.” I lie and she knows this. I can tell from the disapproving look she throws me.

“Don`t give me that rubbish, Dean. You haven`t been fine since you arrived here, have you?”

I really hope I wasn`t expected to answer that. God knows what words would tumble from my stupid, big fat mouth.

“Can everyone give us a moment?” she asks the silent table. “Sam take Adam and watch some cartoon while you finish eating.”

The two young boys do as they were told and pick up their plates and cutlery, closing the door behind them, but not before flashing me worried smiles. John hovers uncertainly in the doorway, repeatedly shifting his weight from one leg to the other one awkwardly.

He smiles doubtfully over at me, his own dinner plate in hand. “Should I go too? Or…” he trails off clumsily.

I consider for a minute. One very loooong minute. On the one hand, I still hated his guts and would gladly sever his no good, wandering testicles and wear his intestines as a belt, but on the other hand….I was fed up of fighting, I had had enough. I could no longer carry the heavy burden that came with the constant fury and betrayal. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted my dad.

“Sta-“ My green eyes fall on a golden framed family portrait hung slightly lopsidedly above the door and I swiftly change my mind as I feel the pain radiate from my throat all the way down to my heart.

“Go.” I snap.

He looks shaken, but nods wordlessly.

“Please,” my tone softens, “I just need-” I pause. What did I need? What did I really, really need? Time? Supposedly it healed all wounds, but it had been three years, surly that should be enough? To be left alone with nothing but my bitter self for company? At least that way I would be unable to disappoint anyone like he had disappointed me.

“It`s okay, Dean.” He says calmly, even though I could tell from his eyes he knew that it wasn`t. “You need time, I get it.” He continues to mumble something about how he wasn`t good with words and saying what he felt, then he went on to apologise clumsily, but I hardly heard him.

He had said sorry. He had apologised. To me. For everything. He had said, “For everything he had done.” Everything. That sure as hell was an awful lot to be sorry for.

“I`ll be in the garden, it`s about time the grass got cut. Kate has been nagging me for weeks, haven’t you dear?” he leaves, closing the door softly behind him.

“You haven`t been fine for a while, have you, hon?” Kate asks before hesitantly wrapping an arm around my shoulder and I resist the overwhelming urge to lean into it and cry like I had done with Cas earlier. “I can`t imagine what you must have went through after what happened, and I have said it before but I am truly sorry for all the hurt we caused. The hurt I caused you. If I had known…” she frowns.

I wonder if she had known, would it have changed anything? Would she have dumped his sorry cheating ass or not? In the end I guess it doesn`t really matter, you can`t change the past. What is done is done.

“I really think you could be happy here, if you just gave it a chance.”

I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off. “Just let me speak for a minute, Dean. I know you don`t want to be here, and why would you? I fully understand your dislike for me, in fact, if I was in yours shoes I don`t think I would handle things any better than you are. But I also know that this is a lovely little town, and we are so happy to have you here, all of us. We really want this to be a place you can be happy.”

She smiles at me, displaying her white perfect teeth. On closer inspection though, they aren`t perfect. They are ever so slightly crooked and she has a tiny piece of orange carrot caught in-between the front two. I point this out to her and she giggles like a little girl. Hardly the evil witch of a stepmother I had been expecting. Hardly the hostile bitch I had first seen her as.

She releases me from her hold and I pull her back slowly, shyly. She beams down at me and sits on the chair next to me, where Adam had been sitting not even half hour ago. She pulls my head to her chest and cradles it between her hands. They were so unlike my mother`s well-manicured ones, dry with short but clean nails and no polish. The curse of being a nurse I guess. All that hand washing and glove wearing must take its toll.

“John doesn`t mean it when he gets angry and shrieks like a banshee. He is full of hot air most of the time and sometimes he just needs to be left alone to deflate. I rarely pay any attention to what he is saying.” She tells me, aiming for a laugh which she briefly receives.

“He said sorry. And I think he meant it.” I mumble into her chest. “I can`t tell you how long I have waited to properly hear that.” The half assed phone calls and letters hardly counted.

“He did, sweetie. Your dad loves you very much and it kills him to think that you hate him the way you do. He`s just so stubborn and rarely engages his brain before opening his mouth and sometimes what he says and does is very hurtful, but he doesn`t mean it. He never meant to hurt you. He loves you very much and I just hope and pray that you will be able to eventually learn to trust him again and see that.”

I don`t know about that. Once trust is broken can it ever be fixed? Truly fixed? Sometimes things are broken and no amount of apologising can ever repair it. Sometimes things are better left broken so you don`t cut yourself on the jagged pieces.

Take a plate and throw it against the wall. It will break, right? Unless you have a magic plate made out of solid stone of something. Tell the broken plate you are really, truly, deeply sorry for hurting it. Does it magically fit back together?

Of bloody course not.

Superglue can work wonders though, sometimes.


	14. Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thanks.” The words come out a little snappy still, but I did mean it

 

 

 

Eleven thirty the next morning and I am sat opposite Kate and John at a wobbly table slurping coca cola with extra ice. The café was right in the heart of a busy shopping mall, a great spot for people watching. Three bags stuffed full to bursting occupied the otherwise empty seat next to me. Awkwardly, feeling out of place sitting here in the lively café I fiddle with the cap from my empty coke bottle. The waitress, a skinny young brunette with a silver ring through her nose and brown eyes had brought out the chilled bottle and a tall glass with ice in the bottom for me to pour the juice over. Because apparently doing it herself was too much effort. John is flicking through the car magazine he picked up from W. H Smith while he finishes off his coffee. Inside were several new textbooks including English, Maths and Science, which I hated with a burning passion. Kate smiles warmly over at me as she sips delicately at her latte. I was bored out of my mind, but I suppose it wasn`t too unpleasant. It could easily have been far worse.

“It was a great idea of yours, Kate, coming into Norwich to do the shopping instead of Yarmouth.” John praises, wiping his lips with a white napkin. The remaining crumbs from his hearty breakfast are removed from around his mouth and he chucks the soft tissue on the plastic tray. “Shame Sammy and Adam had school, otherwise we could have all came together. A sort of family outing.”

They both anxiously turn to face me, to judge my reaction to the dreaded “F Word”.

“Yeah, shame.” I agree fully, thinking about how much Sam would have loved browsing in HMV and the massive bookshops and how much Adam would have enjoyed the pet shop with all of the small furry cuties. Kate`s smile widens, her carefully painted lips curling up so far it looked almost painful. John lets out a sigh of relief. Like I was going to start a big fight in the middle of a massive, overcrowded shopping centre.

“So we have pencils, pens, notebooks, printer paper, folders and files and workbooks at the correct age level. Is there anything else you can think of that you will need?” Kate asks as the young twenty something waitress wanders back over to collect our tray.

“I can`t think of anything.” I mumble, staring at the entrance to a fashionable clothes shop were a young dark haired girl had just entered.

“I know you don`t like this, Dean, but this is hopefully only going to be a temporary thing. With any luck another school will be able to find you a place for the start of the new academic year in September. Or you could even apply to a college. There is one in Yarmouth which is only a few minutes away by bus or car and there is a massive one here in Norwich. In the mean time we have to inform the education authority that we plan to home educate you and they will send someone out to check up on us to make sure you are getting a suitable education until then.”

It sure sounded complicated.

John looks up from reading about car sales and auctions in the area to grunt, “So you better not put one more toe outta line. This is serious, Dean. You cannot muck about this time. You will keep your head down and do the work we set you otherwise it will be my neck on the chopping block.”

Kate shoots her husband a warning look. “Really though, this could be quite fun. You don`t have to follow a set timetable, you don’t have to follow the curriculum and you can even go out and study in the library or in the park.”

John looks like he is desperate to interrupt, but thinks better of it and returns his attention to his magazine.

Admittedly, that did sound quite good. Not exactly my definition of wild and crazy fun, but not quite the full on torture I had been imagining. A few weeks ago fun to me would have been staying out all night with Lucifer and Crowley getting pissed of our heads and sneaking into Lisa`s bedroom when her parents were asleep. Now, it may or may not have something to do with a desolate beach with grey-blue water and a blue eyed boy with untameable dark hair.

“We want you to do English, Maths and Science, because most employers demand that, but apart from that you are free to choose what, and how you want to learn.”

It was starting to sound even better.

“As long as you do a few pages of Maths, English and Science a day then the rest of the time can be spent learning about whatever interests you. Such as…” she trails off guilty. “Well, what do you like, Dean? What subjects do you find interesting? What is something you have always wanted to know more about?”

I shrug, realising suddenly that I didn`t know. As a kid my list of hobbies was extensive. I was on the swimming team and the soccer team, I read lots of books about fantasy worlds and magic kingdoms in need of rescue and even used to play a little guitar. I had a beautiful guitar, old and beaten up and she was always slightly out of tune, because I never really grasped how to fix that, but I loved her all the same. It was a birthday gift from my dad and it was the best present I had ever gotten. The day after John had left I smashed her against my bedroom wall multiple times until there was nothing left to salvage. Now all my free time consisted of arguing, drinking, having sex, fighting and just generally being an asshole.

I think back to Castiel and my decision to let things go. I could never be who I was before, I knew that. That little boy with dozens of freckles and bright hopeful leys was long dead and buried, but maybe I could evolve and push past all the crap I had spent too long wallowing in. Maybe. It was certainly worth a shot.

“I like music.” I tell her. “I used to play guitar.” John`s eyes widen in surprise as I begin to explain to Kate how much I had loved my old guitar, despite her various bumps and bruises and how much I missed playing .“I guess I could also look up some information on some of my favourite musicians and write about them for English.”

She beams at me, “That`s the sprit, Honey! You could even do book reviews and album reviews too. Or film reviews. And helping Sam and Adam with their homework will definitely count as well.”

We leave the busy, but pleasant café a little after twelve and split up to go to the toilets. I wash my hands and angrily wipe my wet hands on my jeans when I discover that the hand dryer was out of order. Kate was waiting outside when I come out, bags of shopping sitting on the ground by her feet.

“John said something about having to run off and pick something up. He said he will meet us back at the car.”

She leads the way back out of the ginormous shopping mall, past brightly decorated shops and countless vending machines and advertisements for expensive skincare brands and designer perfumes until we near the exit to the street when something in a window display catches my eye. A small brown teddy bear hugging another smaller bear.

“I`m just gonna go in there really quick, ok?” I call back to her as I am already dashing off in the direction of the busy shop, hoping that the long queue would have died down by the time I was ready to pay.

The shops was your typical souvenir shop filled with all sorts of items, some cheap and tatty, others expensive and high quality. Rows and rows of brightly coloured rock and other sweets, including chocolate boobs and cocks stood in front of me. Grinning to myself impishly, I grab up two packs of each, deciding to give them to Sam and Cas for a laugh. I also snatch up a few treat sized bars of chocolate for Adam. I doubt Kate would appreciate me giving him candy shaped like reproductive organs at his age. Tall oak and glass cabinets containing expensive and easily breakable figurines were standing behind the fifth row of sugary goodies. I spot horses, cats and dogs of all shapes and breeds along with more unusual creatures like unicorns, fairies and gothic vampires and witches dressed all in black and red robes.

One figure in particular catches my eye. A pale slender girl with an angular face and large painted blue eyes. Long black waves of realistic looking hair cascaded down her bare back and her tiny little feet were bare. Her pose was seductive, without showing anything off and her plump red lips were smirking. Enormous wings, taller than she was were curled around her naked body protectively, the raven feather tipped with black glitter. Clearly an Angel, but not one that was particularly angelic. Vaguely interested in buying her, I glance down at the price tag, already knowing I wouldn`t have that kind of cash on me. I move on to the next aisle of gifts.

There was a long line of teddies identical to the one I had spotted from the window and I pick one up. It was cute and cuddly and with no tiny parts that might break off, it was perfect for seven year old Adam. Sam would scoff if I brought him one back too, so I continue looking for his present. After all, a bag of chocolate genitals didn’t really say “I love you” as much as a teddy bear did. I soon find the perfect gift for him. An A4 sized poster of Scooby Doo, which I knew he still liked, even if he tried to pretend otherwise. After dinner last night I had hear the theme music coming from the living room while Adam was upstairs having his evening bath.

Now I just had to find something for Cas. This was going to be difficult, I knew it. Maybe even damn near impossible. I needed to find something really special for the blue eyed boy, but what? I search unsuccessfully through the aisles for a good ten minutes and am about to give up when I finally see it. A hoodie that was a rich blue in colour (though obviously not a patch on his eyes) and with giant black wings that stretched all the way down the back. Remembering the tale he told about wishing he could fly, I grin to myself. Perfect. Now to figure out what size. The guy was a little shorter than me, but skinnier. So maybe a size down from what I usually get? Uncertain, I pick two matching hoodies off the rail and examine them, holding them up one at a time to my chest. The sizing looked a bit neat, so I decide to go with the slightly bigger one. Besides, oversized hoodies looked cute on practically anyone.

Kate, who had been waiting impatiently all this time eventually grows bored of waiting and follows me into the store finding me in the middle of slightly shorter queue. Thank God it had thinned out a little bit, otherwise it would be midnight be the time we got home.

“Buy the whole shop, why don`t you?” The blond haired woman jokes, stepping in next to me. “What is all this?” She asks and her eyes narrow when I place the novelty candy up on the till.

“Just some stuff for Sam and Adam and myself.” I catch myself just in time and manage to avoid saying Castiel`s name. That would have bene kind of an awkward conversation.

“Who is Castiel?” she would ask.

And I would reply, “Oh, no one, just a nice older boy I met at the beach who convinced me to try and make a change. Did I mention he has the bluest blue eyes I have ever seen?”

Yeah, I don`t think so.

“Really, Dean? Inappropriately shaped sweets?” She shakes her head, but I can hear the laughter in her voice that proves she wasn`t really annoyed, but amused. “Nice hoodie, though. I like the wings.”

I smile. So did I, but more importantly, Cas would.

When we make it back to the car with the shopping, John is already there waiting for us, blasting an ancient cassette tape at full volume. Upon hearing us approaching, he switches it off and gets out to help us put the shopping in the trunk/boot/whatever you want to call it. Seriously, the English people sure had weird words. Why did they have to change everything?

“Here, let me help you with that, Dean.” He offers with a smile and takes the bag with the gifts in it from me and places it carefully in the trunk.

“Why couldn’t we have just put this all in the backseat next to Dean?” Kate complains after loading the last stuffed carrier bag into the impala and slamming it closed.

John`s smile widens into a full blown smirk. “Because, Darling, I may or may not have a little surprise for Dean in the backseat.”

Confused and wondering what it could possibly be, I clamber excitedly into the back of the car. I have to look again to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. I blink, once, twice, three times but it was still there. A shiny new acoustic guitar.

He waits awkwardly outside the car, fidgeting with his rough hands. “It`s not exactly a top of the range, overly expensive one, but I thought it would be a good one to start you off again and I realised I hadn`t gotten you a welcome home gift and I know I have a lot to make up for but-“

“Thanks.” The words come out a little snappy still, but I did mean it. The Dean from last week would have scoffed and have thrown this amazing gift back in his face, but not today. Maybe it was just a bribe, but maybe he deserved a chance too. “I really mean it.” I try and speak more softly this time and I think I manage to, if the giant, infectious smile on his face is anything to go by.

Sam and Adam loved their gifts, Adam fell asleep clutching his new teddy according to Kate, and Sam had snickered at the sweets and had wandered off after dinner to hang his poster up in his room. I would have to wait till tomorrow to give Cas his hoodie and sweets, which seemed like an eternity away.

To save time in the morning, I shower at nine that night and pack the plastic bag containing the gifts into my messenger bag, along with two bottles of water and some sandwiches and crisps that Sam helped me to make.

“Home education sounds awesome.” He tries and fails to hide his jealousy while spreading peanut butter onto white bread. “While I am stuck in a stuffy classroom with boring old teachers tomorrow morning, you will be out on the beach having a picnic.” He grumbles, licking the remains of the sticky spread off his fingers and the knife.

“Yeah, well I still have to learn crap. School is still school. Besides, you have all your friends, Jessica, Jo and Charlie. I`m Billy No Mates.” I add, remembering what he had jokingly called me earlier. The English and their strange phrases. I doubted I would ever get used to it.

Sam had spent all of dinner telling me everything imaginable about his small group of friends who were coming to stay over at the weekend. I noticed that they were all girls and had teased him a little about being a young Romeo, which made him blush ever so slightly. From the sounds of it he has his very first crush on one of them. Jessica, or Jess as she prefers to be called. Apparently, the last person to call her by her full name got an elbow to the gut. Jo and Jess were in his form class and they shared all their lessons together apart from Art and P.E. Oddly enough, it turns out that Charlie, who wasn`t a boy like I first thought, was the red head from the doomed Sociology lesson the other day. She was the girl who had helped with the computer and apparently, Jo had a big crush on her. Sam had delighted in explaining all of this in great detail over a large plate of homemade spaghetti.

He smiles at that and disagrees, “Nah, not no mates. You have me and Adam.”

“Oh lucky me.” I tease the younger boy and begin washing up the knives we had used.

Exhausted from my day of shopping, I am asleep long before midnight, which was a first. I am awoken by what sounds like hail against the window, which I try to ignore at first. Damn English weather. After a minute I sit upright in bed, the warm covers slipping and tangling around my legs as I fumble blindly in the dark to close the window I had left open after my shower last night.

“Dean!” A gravelly whisper by some unseen person outside in the garden makes it way to my ears.

 

 

 

 


	15. Promises

I slide out of my warm comfy bed reluctantly to investigate the noise from down below in the garden, although I was fairly certain I knew who was out there hiding in the shadows. The window was still ajar from last night, the pristine white nets flopping about lazily in the slight breeze. I push them aside hurriedly and peer out from behind them, sleepy eyes narrowing as they try to make something out in the dim light. And sure enough, there it is again, the sound of gravel being flung up against the open window. Not hail, just tiny little dirty pieces of stone and muck. A tall boy with dark unkempt hair and an oversized hoodie is standing in the starlit garden, smirking up at me playfully as he kneels down to gather up more stones.

“Cas!” I whisper, pushing the window open fully and lean out of it, being careful not to fall. “What the hell are you doing here at this time?”

As if to back up my question, the gorgeous grandfather clock in the downstairs hallway chimes loudly, alerting the whole house (and possibly the entire street) that it was now half past twelve in the morning. Castiel grins wider in response, muttering something about me being a “boring old killjoy” and throws his last handful of mud and stones.

“Come on, Dean, quickly. And be quiet, you don`t want anyone to wake up, do you?” he hisses, wiping his hands on his scruffy jeans.

I should have closed the window firmly shut, pulled the net curtains back across, crawled back under my embarrassingly floral duvet and gone back to sleep. That is what any sane, sensible person would have done. However, I was a sixteen year old boy, I was probably as far away from being sane or sensible as you could possibly get. Keeping that in mind, I pad over to my chest of draws and pull out a clean green hoodie with the logo and tour dates of some classic rock band on the back. I shrug this on over the shirt I had been sleeping in and step back into the jeans I had been wearing earlier. I stuff my phone and iPod into my bag and tiptoe silently towards my door. Heart racing, I slowly ease it open, praying to some unseen God that it wouldn`t creak. Thankfully, it stays quiet and I sneak down the stairs, being sure to avoid the creaky bottom step. On my way out I pass by the kitchen and grab a few cans of coke and a large sharing pack of cheese snacks from the counter.

Cas is sitting on the old swing set when I slip out, his sandy trainers scuffing against the muddy grass. I walk up behind him and place my hands on the rusty metal chains, holding him in place.

“Hi,” he beams and I smile back, his face only just visible in the blackness.

“Yeah, hi.” I reply, not really sure what else to say. What did you talk about when your new friend sneaks into your garden to whisk you away in the middle of the night? Politics? What you ate for dinner last night?

“I want to show you something,” he tells me softly, jumping up elegantly from the plastic chair of the swing. He grabs hold of my cold hand, gasping at its iciness and half leads, half drags me away towards the beach.

Everything was different in the dark. The houses we pass all look lonely and half spooky in the night-time and things are almost eerily silent because there is no traffic on the roads or children playing or birds chattering away to break it. It feels like we were the only two people left awake in the world. Stupid, I know, not to mention cheesy and incorrect.

“Really, the beach?” I raise one eyebrow, not that it would be visible in the dark. Half the street lamps were turned off to save money and the silver of a moon was half hidden behind menacing clouds.

“It is different in the dark,” he says simply, echoing my earlier thoughts, not bothering to explain any further, but I understand.

The black waves lapped gently at the sandy shore, breaking and hissing at the rocks that dared get in their way. Deserted and lonely in the day time, at night time the beach was almost frightening and terrifyingly lonely, even with Castiel standing right next to me, only a shoulder width apart. I follow Cas like a lost little puppy and I hate myself for it, but I can`t bring myself to stop. I curse when my foot falls into a fairly substance trench and he laughs, but not unkindly. I land with a thud on my backside with an “oof” and sit there stunned for several seconds.

“Sorry about that.” He offers me his hand and I take it, fumbling around in the dark briefly to try and find it. “I was bored earlier and decided to dig a hole just to see how deep I could go. Then I grew bored of that and forgot all about it.”

“You are such a child,” I scold, but there is no venom behind my words, just adoration. It was disconcerting how quickly I was becoming utterly dependent on the other boy. How eager I was to earn his approval.

“I have been called many things in the past, but never childish.” he does his usual confused head tilt and once again I am reminded of a cute puppy dog. “In fact my older brothers often teased me for being too grown up.”

“Your brothers sound interesting.”

He grins, “interesting is certainly a very suitable word to describe my brothers, especially Gabriel.” Cas laughs, this deep, gravelly sound that sounded almost a little mad and I soon find myself joining in.

“You miss them, don`t you?” It was more of a statement masquerading as a question, but he answers anyway, with a brief, almost reluctant nod. Now that my eyes had begun to adjust to the darkness, I can see his eyes grow sad as a deep frown appears on his plump lips. He looked worried, but I wasn`t going to pry. His business was his business. Not mine. Although, I would love to help if I could.

He clumsily makes an attempt to change the subject by asking me about Sam and Adam. Even though I don`t feel like talking about my mismatched family, I humour him.

“Sam is pretty cool, actually, but really nerdy. Loves reading these paving slabs he calls books and watching geeky shows like Sherlock and this other one I can`t remember the name of about Angels and Demons and folklore.” I roll my eyes and continue, “and Adam, the seven year old is really sweet and shy and he clings to Sam and follows me around like a little lost lamb or something.”

“That sounds cute.”

I roll my eyes again but secretly agree. “It`s not as bad as it sounds, I guess.”

We talk for hours, watching the stars slowly disappear and the sky turn pink as dawn breaks. It really was something. This was hardly the first sunrise I had seen, I had a bad habit at home of staying up all night, but I had never really taken the time to appreciate one before. It honestly was something. Cas was enamoured with it. Just half an hour ago his blue eyes had been drooping as he battled to stay awake, but now he seemed revitalised as he watched the watercolour of pinks and oranges bleed across the slowly lightening sky.

“Stay, Dean.” Castiel says out of nowhere, stretching lazily like a cat and leaning back in the sand, flicking a piece of still damp seaweed from his dishevelled hair.

I frown. Stay? As in, stay here on the beach with him? Or stay in this crappy little town?

“Stay,” he repeats more firmly this time, voice deeper and rougher than usual. More urgent. “Stay here, with me. Don`t leave me.” he practically pleads, an entirely uncharacteristic move for the usually so carefree boy. It was the first time that I thought that maybe there was more to this guy than meets the eye. I look into his eyes, the deep blue pools blank as opposed to joyful. That was when I realised that Castiel was just as broken and fucked up as I was. This mysterious, good looking guy with scruffy hair and an oversized Batman hoodie might possibly be just as messed up and lonely as I was.

Thoughtlessly, I find myself answering in a gentle, reassuring whisper that was barely audible over the crashing waves and bird calls, “I will, Cas. I promise.” I reach out timidly, half expecting rejection and the slightly shorter teen into an uncomfortably awkward hug.

“Don`t leave, okay? You promised me. You won`t be one of those people who break their promises, will you, Dean?” he begs, eyes wide and fearful and longing.

Not knowing what else to do, I pull him closer and try to protect him, shield him from whatever problems he was hiding from me. “I won`t, Cas.”

He snorts in disbelief, but otherwise stays silent.

He looks so lost, so tiny and I want to comfort him, but I don`t know how. I wasn`t exactly the best at keeping promises, but this was one I fully intended to keep. I would sooner assault my eardrums with crappy teen boybands and watch Disney Channel with Adam than let Cas down. It just wasn’t going to happen.

Exhausted, I say goodbye to Cas at around eight and stealthily sneak back inside the house, fully intending to collapse under my covers and sleep the ay away. God, obviously hated me.

“Dean, is that you?” Damn it all. Busted.

The young teen pokes his shaggy brown head round my bedroom door, eyes partially covered by his soft dark locks.

“Shouldn`t you have left for school yet?” I ask snappily and instantly regret it when I see Sam`s hurt puppy face. “Sorry, I just didn`t sleep well so I feel like death.” I explain and his saddened expression quickly melts away.

“I couldn`t find my P.E kit so Mum left with Adam already and I am gonna make my own way there. I heard you come in. Where were you?” Now I notice the extra bag the younger boy was carrying, a plain black and blue checked gym bag with the zip partially undone.

“Oh shit. Did you tell Dad and Kate?” Surely if he had John would have been lying in wait for me to come home and punish me mercilessly. Right? Then again maybe the call of cars in need at his garage was more important to him?

He smiles and shakes his head. “You called him Dad.”

“Whatever. Slip of the tongue. Sammy, this is important. Do they know I snuck out last night?”

“And you called me Sammy.” His smile widens. As cute as it was, this was so not the time. “No, I didn`t tell them. Actually, I covered for you. I said you had told me last night that you were going to get up early to go for a run on the beach and take your schoolwork with you. They bought it because I never lie to them so they had no reason to believe I was now.” He says matter of factly, readjusting the strap on his P.E bag.

“You did good, Kid. Thanks.” I am a seriously bad influence on you.” I praise him and allow myself a brief chuckle at the thought of pure, sweet little goody-goody Sammy lying to his parents.

“No problem, I didn`t want you to get into trouble.” He hesitates and I encourage him to go on. “There is actually something I want to talk to you about, later after school if that`s ok?”

Confused as to what it could be, but knowing that I seriously owed the kid, I agree hastily and usher him out the room so I could catch up on some sleep.


	16. Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you, Dean."

The lonely beach is dark and cold, lit only by a handful of twinkling stars. A thin crescent of a moon keeps peeking out from behind rain filled clouds, playing hide and seek with us. Jet black waves crash and hiss as they beat tirelessly against the sandy shore, washing up plants and shells an abandoning them on the wet sand. A few metres in front of me the tall figure of a young man stands, dressed in a scruffy hoodie and ripped jeans. He bends down swiftly and gathers up a handful of pebbles and shells before casting them off into the rough water. A few of the smaller ones skip across the tops of the waves for a few seconds, before a much larger one comes and swallows them down hungrily.

“Show off,” I mutter, fighting off a yawn.

The other boy turns and grins, even though he couldn’t `t possibly of heard me. He waves excitedly and races over, his bare feet kicking up a cloud of sand behind him. “That promise you made earlier, Dean,” Castiel begins softly, “you aren`t allowed to break it. I won’t let you.” He vows, voice deep and sincere.

His determination confuses me, but it was far from unpleasant. Cas made me feel important, special, like he gave a damn about me. It was crystal clear that he cared about me, and it was a pleasant, much welcomed change. I suppose it should worry me how quickly I had become so dependent on the older boy, but I quickly push that thought to the back of my mind, ready to be readdresses three weeks from never. I had a friend, a proper friend. The kind of friend who you could trust with your best kept secrets. I had bared the deepest, darkest, most bitter pats of my soul to the other boy, and he hadn`t ran away screaming.

“It`s alright, Cas.” I promise steadily, leaning closer so that our faces were almost touching.

This seems to shock him and he takes a few steps backwards, nearly tripping over his long, agile legs. I suppress a giggle and grab his hand to pull him back over.

“Don`t scare me like that!” he complains, shuffling his feet awkwardly. “And don`t laugh at me, you jerk.”

“Sorry,” a teasing smile plays with the corners of my lips, “I couldn`t help it. You were being kinda cute.” I admit.

Cas scowls at me childishly, handsome face scrunching up as he snorts once. “Yeah, sure. You big jerk.”

A large cloud of sand is suddenly flicked up into my face and I splutter, but the dark haired culprit is already clambering over the large rocks to safety. I chase after him, laughing merrily as I go, wondering when was the last time I felt so free.

“That was so uncalled for,” I gasp out in between deep breaths.

Cas chuckles roughly, a little worn out from his run too. He climbs over one last rock and perches on the edge of one of the largest ones, carefully avoiding the dozens of white shelled limpets that clung onto the rocky surface for dear life. Too tired to move, I have a seat on the smaller rock next to his, placing my right hand on the edge of his to help balance. Whether it was accidental or on purpose, the stuffy teenager delicately places his calloused hand on top of my own. I hiss quietly as his cold flesh makes contact, but other than a raised eyebrow I do nothing else.

We sit in a companionable silence for a considerable amount of time, neither one of us feeling a need to fill it. The waves seemed to be doing an amole enough job of that anyway, and it was comforting to be able to just sit there with him but not feel as though the quiet was suffocating.

“I promise I won`t leave, Cas. I won’t try to run away again. I mean, I didn`t do such a great job of it last time, did I?”

I expected him to laugh at this pretty piss poor joke, or at least crack a smile, but he does neither. Instead he just looks sad and troubled, His brow is furrowed and he seems to be off in his own little world thinking about some unseen problem.

“Running away is overrated,” he finally ends his silence, “you just wind up dragging your troubles behind you.”

“Yeah?” I force a smile out, more for his benefit than my own. It pained me to see the older boy looking so lost and alone. “Well, I got plenty of them. Trouble is, I ran out of places to run to a long, long time ago. Nobody wants me.”

That wasn`t strictly true and I knew it, deep down. Sam and Adam wanted me. For some unknown reason, the two kids adored me. God knows why. They really did have poor judgment. And Kate had been nothing but nice to me ever since I had arrived on her doorstep with a face that could turn sour milk radioactive. As for John, well it was still pretty hard for me to think of him as my father, but as much as I hated to admit it to myself, I guess I was coming around. The old man had bought me a guitar, and did genuinely seem apologetic.

From behind half closed eyes I sneak a glance over at Cas. He wasn`t looking at me, he was staring out to sea, blue eyes wide and unblinking. While his eyes were focused on the jet black waves, I couldn’t help but think he wasn`t really seeing anything. He looked so small, with his arms folded tightly across his chest, he almost looked as they he was trying to hold himself together. He wanted me. I was sure of it. Hell, he might even need me.

I couldn`t leave him.

“I guess you are going to have to just resign yourself to your fate. I am not going anywhere, so I guess you are stuck with me.” I stick my tongue out in his general direction and he bites back a small smile. “Sucks to be you.”

“I am very lucky to have someone like you, Dean.” He says simply, scooting closer to me.

I frown at the intensity behind his gaze and his simple words. He was wrong, I was the lucky one. For so long I had been waiting for someone like him, someone who wouldn’t give up on me and turn their backs when I kept letting them down time and time again. When my own mother had given up, I had kind of lost hope of that someone like that ever wandering into my life.

I don`t honestly know he leans in first but I would like to think that it was him, but all of a sudden our faces are mere centimetres apart and quickly getting closer. I panic and freeze in place. The kiss lasts for the briefest second, a sudden warmth brushes over my chapped lips and then it is gone and the aching wound in my chest feels more prominent than ever.

…

I wake up to the sound of a door being closed by someone who was trying their best to be quiet. I hiss like a banshee when the light above my head is switched on. A hesitant voice calls my name and I grunt out some angry response. The owner of the shaky voice nudges me once in the side gently, but determinedly, and I roll over onto my stomach.

“Piss off, Sammy,” I groan, pulling one of the soft pillows over my head. I wanted to go back to sleep, I was still exhausted from staying out with Cas all night.

Which reminds me, what the hell was up with that overly fluffy, cutesy little bunny rabbit, romantic as fuck dream? It was a dream, right? That didn`t actually happen, did it? Aww, shit. I could hardly remember what we talked about last night, after about three Am I was basically dead on my feet. I trace my lips with my right index finger, but there is nothing. Whatever reaction I was waiting for, it didn`t come.

“No way, Dean. You promised this morning we would talk. I held my part of the bargain, I covered for you.” A tall, gangly teenage boy pushes my legs out of his way and sits down at the bottom of my bed. “So now we are going to talk, okay?”

What had started out as a very assertive sentence, quickly fails as one by adding on the “okay”. I sit up to tell him this, but stop upon seeing his cute puppy dog face.

I sigh and rearrange my pillows. “Okay, so what is it that you want to talk to me about. What was so important that you would lie to your parents to cover for me and wake me up?” I had to hand it to the kid, that was a pretty brave move. It took some balls to dare to wake me. I was a world renowned hater of being woken up. The last five people who tried had all never been seen again.

Sam looks down at his lap where he was twiddling his thumbs anxiously. “Well you know how my friends are staying over this weekend?” I nod and he continues, “Well we decided to camp out on the beach because nobody ever really goes there because this town is so small we don`t get many tourists and most of the locals prefer to go to the beach in Yarmouth or Sea Palling because they are nicer-“

“Look, Don`t really need a detailed report here, Kiddo.”

He pales, “Sorry. Anyway, we want to go camping but Mum says that she is nightshift that night and Dad won`t want to camp on the beach with us but she doesn`t like the idea of us going on out own, even though we will be perfectly safe and I am nearly fourteen and Charlie is your age.” He takes a deep breath. “I was just wondering, if you might want to come?” He ducks behind his hair, nervously awaiting my response.

On the one hand camping out on the beach with a group of my younger brother`s friends didn`t at first glance sound overly appealing, maybe Cas would make an appearance. It was a little selfish of me, I know, but because of that I say yes. The winning smile and bear hug I receive as a thanks making me even surer of my decision.

“Was that it?” I ask when he still hadn`t left.

Sam chews the inside of his lip, not meeting my eye. “Well, not exactly. It`s about Jess,” he admits.

Ah, here we go.

“I really like her. She`s really pretty and kind and smart and a lot of fun to be around.”

“She sounds great.”

He smiles, “yeah, but the thing is that we have been friends for so long I don`t want I make things awkward by telling her. I don`t want to lose her friendship, because I just feel so grateful to have her in my life, even if it might not be in the way I want.”

Poor kid. Sammy was young, only thirteen and just starting to discover the joys of young love. I remember the first time I felt funny around a girl. Her name was Cassie and I followed her around like a sad little puppy for the entire year when I was eleven. She told me to leave her alone and laughed about it with all of her friends. I didn’t like her so much after that.

“I don`t know what to say other than if she is really your friend, she will still be there for you after you tell her, even if it is a little awkward at first.” I try and reassure him with a comforting smile. “But I bet anything this girl is head over heels for your already, you are quite the catch Little Brother.”

Sam`s eyes widen in surprise and I am suddenly nearly head-butted as he launches his large frame at me. “You called me you brother,” he beams, burying his head into my shoulder.

Unsure of what else to do, I hug him back, riffling his long hair with one hand and patting him on the back with the other.

“I love you, Dean.” Sam mumbles into my shoulder, “You are the best big brother ever.”

I pause, completely stunned. This was alien territory, go back!

“I love you too, Sammy.” I say after a long pause, ruffling his hair once more. This time he doesn’t even make a face, he just leans into it and smile even more.


	17. Questions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There is no girl, Sam.” Just an oddball boy with a deep gravelly voice that did things to your knees that it really shouldn’t.   
> “Well okay, if you say so,” Sam says, clearly unconvinced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this has taken so long, guys. I was away visiting family in Scotland and only got back a few days ago and ever since I got back I have been busy preparing things for mother’s day and my pet snake is going into shed so I have been keeping a close eye on him. I am busy all afternoon and am staying at my girlfriend`s on Thursday, but I hope to still be able to get another update done either tomorrow or before I go. Hope you are all okay. 

Friday drags by at a snail’s pace. A snail that was trudging slowly and unsuccessfully through thick, gooey molasses, that is. Oh, and he also had one of those old people walking frames. It wasn`t that I was excited for the big camp out on the beach tomorrow, except, who am I kidding? Of course I was. I had never been camping before, it wasn`t like John was around to take me, and after the split mum quickly got remarried to her job and I hardly ever saw her. I saw plenty of cheap child-minders and almost stranger`s houses to pitifully make up for her absence. This only lasted for about a year, by the time my birthday rolled round I flat out refused to spend another minute with any uncaring, useless babysitter who just sat spark out watching the telly or texting their boyfriends.

I had seen people going camping in movies though. I didn`t look half bad. One whole night of freedom far away from the adults. I was going to be in charge for a change, whatever I said goes. It was the first time I had ever been trusted enough to be the responsible adult, to be the one calling the shots and I was going to savour every last millisecond of it. There was going to be enormous great big campfires with orange and yellow flames, sticky and delicious roasted marshmallows and music blasting loud enough to drown out the crashing waves and the wind. And if Cas showed up like I silently hoped he would, there might possibly even be some snuggling under the duvets or failing that some sharing of sleeping bags going on. You know, just for the warmth obviously.

Having nothing else to do, I decide to at least have a flick through some of the study books Kate and John had bought from Norwich earlier on in the week. They lay untouched in the corner of my room in a white plastic shopping bag where they had ben carelessly flung and abandoned. I rifle through the overfull carrier bag and pull out a great big paving slab of a book about world history. I also dig out a few black pens, pencils and a notebook full of lined paper and open the book to the first chapter. I begin to work, answering the questions and making relevant notes in my untidy handwriting. Honestly, Adam probably had neater handwriting than I did.

Sam arrives home from school a little later than usual, and bursts through my bedroom door in a blur of long limbs, tousled hair and a bright and happy grin. He throws himself down onto my bed unceremoniously, sending papers and pencils flying halfway across the room. He swiftly apologises and gets up to gather the papers up and hands them back to me in the complete wrong order.

When I chide him for this he simply snips back, “well you should have put them somewhere safe instead of leaving them lying about. You have a folder for your work, don`t you? I`m sure I saw mum bring a bag of them in.”

“The folders are over there,” I point to the other overflowing black bag full of school supplies. “I was going to put my work in it when I was done. It`s stupid to keep stopping and filing one piece of paper away every time you compete one worksheet.”

“You should have at least numbered them,” Sam says in his know it all tone that I was really learning to dislike, but the younger boy happily helps me reorder the papers and hands them back to me in a neat pile.

“I told Jess,” Sam informs me in a proud voice and I have to think about what he could possibly mean for a moment.

I smile, “that`s great, Sammy!” I ruffle his brown mop of hair and he scowls, “what did she say?”

His infectious grin stretches impossibly wide across his entire face. “Yes, she said yes!” the thirteen year old exclaims gleefully, before pulling me into a too tight, almost bone crushing hug that I relax into almost effortlessly. It was so easy, almost natural to hug the younger boy back, to return his shy smiles. Sam was a good kid. Nothing like I was when I was his age.

“Well done, Sammy,” I say, patting him on the back gently, “you got yourself a little girlfriend.”

His cheeks darken and he ducks behind his hair, flipping me off briefly as he adjusts his fringe.

Kate brings us both up dinner, takeaway fish and chips smothered in sea salt and vinegar. Even Sam who usually preferred his green and leafy rabbit food couldn`t turn his nose up at it. He eagerly tucks in as the both of us sit up in my room listening to my iPod down low, him commenting and asking questions every now and then about whatever was playing. We take the dishes down and I wash them up while he dries them with a raggedy old tea towel. Then we go back upstairs, this time with Adam following closing on our heels. The smallest boy delights in detailing every part of his day before Kate takes him away for his nightly bath. The conversation quickly returns to Jess. Seems like little lover boy couldn`t take his mind off of her for five minutes.

“What about you, Dean?” The question catches me off guard so I just sit there in the centre of the bed for a moment or two, looking dumbfounded.

“What about me?”

Sam rolls his eyes, something he was eerily good at and asks again, “what about you? Do you have a girlfriend back at home in Kansas?”

I think about it for a moment. Instead of Lisa coming to mind with her smoking hot body and flirtatious nature, an entirely different person does. Someone with dishevelled dark hair, a love for loose fitting hoodies and the bluest blue eyes I have ever seen.

“It was…complicated, I guess,” I try to explain. “There was this one girl, Lisa and we were sort of on and off then on again, you know what I mean?”

Sam nods once like he did, though judging from his confused face and wide eyes, he didn`t have a Scooby Doo. I smile remembering explaining the odd phrase to Cas the other day. Dad was the one who used to say that all the time when I was young. I can`t believe I had forgotten that until now. It was a rather silly way of saying that you didn`t have a clue. I smile to myself, ignoring Sam`s confused puppy dog look. It seems like there was a lot of good memories involving John Winchester, somewhere along the line I had just chosen to forget and lock them away.

“So you didn`t love her or anything like that? It wasn`t serious? Is there anyone here you have your eye on here? Did you meet someone in school? Is that why you keep vanishing down to the beach all the time?”

“Whoa, hold on there! That sure is a lot of questions. What is this, a trial? Shouldn`t there be a lawyer present?” I joke and he cracks a smile.

“I`m right, aren`t I?”

Dammit. So much for changing the subject. I groan inwardly. “Maybe,” I admit reluctantly, “maybe not.”

Sam smirks triumphantly and says in a gloating tone of voice, “I just knew it! The beach is pretty much deserted, no one ever really goes there like I said before, so it wouldn’t make much sense for you to keep going there unless you were having secret meeting with some girl.”

My stomach sinks and I rack my brain to think of a way out of this. It wasn`t that I had a problem with him knowing about my new found friend, but I didn`t want the kid to get the complete wrong end of the stick. And honestly, it was rather nice being the only one who knew Cas, it made our friendship seem all the more special.

“There is no girl, Sam.” Just an oddball boy with a deep gravelly voice that did things to your knees that it really shouldn’t.

“Well okay, if you say so,” Sam says, clearly unconvinced.

We sit back and watch a movie on my laptop. I leave it a while before striking up a conversation again, hoping enough time had passed so that it wouldn`t seem strange. “So, tell me a bit more about the other kids here. You know, people my age.” I aim to sound careless and carefree, as though the conversation bored me, but I am afraid I fail miserably.

Thankfully, Sam doesn`t seem to catch on. “Well this is only a small little town with only the one secondary school, but there are more in Great Yarmouth and obviously a gazillion in Norwich. Most of the people who live here are either really old or have small children. There aren`t many older teenagers your age here, only the ones you met at school.”

I frown, “Do you know a boy about my age, maybe a little older with dark hair, really blue eyes and a motorbike? I saw him down at the beach once or twice. He was pretty tall, just a little shorter than me and he looked kind of scruffy I guess. Loose fitting jeans and a hoodie, that sort of thing.” I struggle to sound casual, but it was getting late and Sam was clearly getting sleepy and woolly headed.

“I don`t know many people your age, my friend Charlie would be your best bet. He doesn’t sound like anyone I have ever seen before. Maybe he is a tourist? I know it isn`t peak season, what with the schools not breaking up for another week, but you do get the odd one visiting early.”

I think about how easily Cas found his way to the house, how at home he looked on the beach. Definitely not some tourist. I don`t think so. He had a weird name, I think he said it was Castiel or something like that,” I offer, but Sam`s face is still a blank.

“You spoke to him?!”

Nice going, genius.

“I don`t think that is even a proper name and he is definitely not a local. Not with a name like that. This is a small place, with lots of gossipy old women. If someone lumbered their poor kid with a name like that than the whole town would know about it,” he yawns and I drop the subject.

Sam on the other hand, doesn`t. The younger boy suddenly seems very much awake and very alert. “Maybe he is new here like you,” he shrugs, clearly not as interested as I was. “Why are you so desperate to find out about him anyway?”

I turn away, “it’s getting kinda late, Sammy, I think I am gonna hit the sack.”

Sam doesn`t buy it. His eyes narrow in concentration, furrowing his brow. “Is this Castiel guy the reason you are spending so much time on the beach?”

“I said goodnight, Sam.”

Please just drop it, please leave.

Sam places a large hand on my shoulder and squeezes, “it`s okay, Dean. You know, if you like him. It doesn`t matter to me one bit. You are my brother and I love you no matter what.”

I roll my eyes, “I don`t know what you are trying to get at, but just don’t, got it?”

He nods sincerely. “Got it.” Sam stands up and stretches out his long, skinny body, reminding me of an overgrown housecat. “Night,” he says as he goes to leave.

I stop him, “Oh and Sammy?” he turns back around to face me, a puzzled look on his face. “Thanks.” I shut the door in his face before he can say another word.

 


	18. Camp out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I force a smile back and the conversation quickly changes to music, and Jess orders Sam to fetch her IPod touch so we could all listen to it, and soon I am laughing along with them like we had been best friends forever.

“Now are you absolutely sure that you will be okay tonight, Honey?” An anxious looking Kate asks uncertainly, chewing worriedly on her plump bottom lip. The blonde woman`s usually smiling eyes were damp with unspilled tears and clouded over with doubt as she tightly embraced her eldest son.

Sam on the other hand couldn`t look happier to be leaving on his first proper camping trip with his small but loyal group of friends. This morning he had told me all about the camp outs that Kate had organised when he and his brother were much smaller and could easily pretend that their back garden was a wild untouched forest.

“I want you to behave, Sam, and don`t do anything silly or dangerous.”

A totally pointless warning really, Sam was hardly what you would call a party animal. He was easily the most grown up, responsible (boring) thirteen year old boy I had ever met.

Sam smiles and nods along dutifully anyway, trying to ease her worries. “Of course, mum. We are only camping for one night, you know.” I can practically hear the eyes roll. Looks like I might have been rubbing of on the kid more than I had first thought. Oops. “I have sleepovers with Charlie, Jess and Jo and the time.”

“I know,” she says, finally letting him escape from her grasp, “but you have never been away from home before without any adults. At least when you stay at your friend`s houses I know exactly where you are and that should anything go wrong there is an adult in the house.”

“Mum,” Sam says sternly, taking her small hand in his large one, “it is only the beach. I will only be like fifteen minutes away and we all will have our mobiles on us. We are hardly going off out into the middle of nowhere. And Dean will be there supervising,” he flashes me a wide smile. “We will be perfectly safe,” he promises and walks away mumbling to himself something about packing enough bottles of juice.

“The boys will be fine, Kate. Stop your worrying,” John rolls his eyes in amusement before wandering of to get a drink.

“You will look after them all, won’t you?” Kate turns to me. “You will make sure that they behave and don`t do something silly like go swimming in the pitch black and drown or foolishly try and climb over the rock pools and fall and break their ankles, right?”

I could almost laugh at how irrational her fears were, if not for the frankly quite frightening look of sadness and longing on her face. It dawns on me then that this wasn`t just about making sure her son was safe and behaved himself while on his camping trip, but wondering just when and how her little baby boy had grown up so fast. She was wishing that the long gone days of bedtime stories and chasing monsters out of the closet could come back, I could tell. She wasn`t quite read to wave goodbye to her first born son`s childhood just yet.

“Sam will be fine, Kate. He`s a smart kid, way smarter than I was at his age.” Way smarter than I was now if I was truthful. “This isn`t about him falling and breaking his ankle, is it?” I ask offhandedly, not wanting to push her when we were just starting to get along.

She looks away and glances down at the ground. “I`m a mother. I suppose I still think of Sam as that curious little boy with a gap toothed grin and scraped up knees and not the wonderful young man he is becoming. This camping trip just goes to show that he doesn`t need me any longer and while I am happy he is enjoying his youth I am kind of sad too.” She wipes at one moist eye and ends up smudging her normally perfect makeup. “Is that such a bad thing?”

I smile at her, edge closer and pat her twice on the shoulder as I try to comfort her. “No. It`s not.” I go to leave, then turn to look over my shoulders. “And just for the record, you are a great mum and Sam will always need you.”

A few hours later at about three o clock in the afternoon Sam and I are saying our goodbyes to everyone as we wait for Jess`s dad to pick us up. Adam is teary eyed and clinging onto both of our legs and begging and pleading with us to take him with us.

“Not till you`re older, Pal,” Sam tells him. “You have got to stay here and look after mummy tonight.”

Adam`s only response is a scowl that could turn sour milk radioactive.

Jess`s dad pulls up outside the house a few minutes later and John quickly makes his way outside to greet him before getting into his own car and driving off. He was going to spend the rest of the day watching classic car restoration shows with his old pal and co-owner of his garage, Bobby Singer. Kate seemed more than happy and was looking forward to having a few hours to get some stuff done. She had promised Adam that they would go and feed the ducks at the park after getting some shopping and after that she was really looking forward to a nice long and relaxing bubble bath.

“Have a good night, kids!” he calls out over the powerful roar of the engine and then he is gone.

Sam and I pile our bags into the car along with the large tent and other bags belonging to Jo, Jess and Charlie that were already in the car. That was why the Moore`s had been chosen to drop everyone off, they owned their own caravan that required a large car to tow, so it only made sense. Otherwise it would have taken two cars. Jess was sat in the front fiddling with the radio and the other girls were behind her giggling at some inside joke. Her carefully painted lips widen into the biggest smile I had ever seen outside of a cartoon when she spots Sam climbing in the back of the car next to the blonde haired Jo. He returns the smile bashfully as his cheeks redden dramatically. Her father looks on with an unreadable expression on his face and Sam gulps loudly. The seat Charlie was in is folded down for a minute so that I can climb in behind her where there were a further two seats.

It doesn`t take too long as all the set up the tent, although I don`t do much of the work at all, only handing over a few pegs when asked. Aside from her father, Jess was the only other one who knew what the hell they were doing. She finishes with the last peg and flops down next to Sam, who had been about as useful as a chocolate fireguard when it came to helping out.

“Now you all have a good time and be safe.”

Jess rolls her eyes and tells her dad that we would be fine, but quickly runs over to him as he was about to leave and hugs him tightly. “Thanks, dad. I will call you later to say goodnight,” she promises before rushing back over to Sam and sits down beside him on an old checked picnic blanket. She helps herself to a cheese and pickle sandwich from the large cool box and shares is with the lanky boy. Her dad gives the two teens a knowing look and heads back to his car.

We finish setting up inside, rolling out the sleeping bags and dig out another picnic blanket and unpack the rest of food. We all tuck in happily, stuffing far too much food into our mouths but no one really cares. Not even the girls, which was a refreshing change from all of the girls I had hung around back in Kansas who were too preoccupied with fretting about their weight all the time to even enjoy a single chocolate bar.

“Mmm, this is so good,” the red headed Charlie who was in the sociology class I had escaped from, moans and licks her pink lips as she polishes of her second homemade chocolate chip cookie. Kate, Adam, Sam and I had spent this morning making some cakes and other sweet treats to bring with us and I knew she would be happy to know that they were being so well appreciated.

“Good thing my pjs are baggy,” a blonde girl dressed in blue boot cut jeans and a black off the shoulder tee jokes as she picks up her third double choc mini muffin.

“I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again,” Jess begins through a mouthful of cake, “your mum is an amazing cook.”

The girls and Sam continue to chatter amongst themselves and while they keep asking me my opinions, I still feel a little awkward and out of place.

“Hey, Dean!” Charlie throws a small piece of her sandwich crust at me to get my attention. “We don`t bite, you know.”

I force a smile back and the conversation changes to music and Jess orders Sam to fetch her IPod touch so we could all listen to it, and soon I am laughing along with them like we had been best friends forever. I would have loved it if Cas was here, but this was still nice, much better than spending time with my old friends anyway. And to think, a month ago I wouldn`t have given these awesome people the time of day, because they reminded me of who I used to be. Warm hearted, carefree and happy.

We watch the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen, all huddled together under blankets and drinking bottles of coke with some soft indie rock song playing in the background. It was the kind of thing I would usually of scoffed at, but it actually wasn`t all that bad. The sky was painted such pretty vibrant shards of reds, oranges and pinks as the sun ducks down and out of sight. The breath taking image is mirrored perfectly in the salty waves of the sea as they lap gently at the shore.

Cas never shows and I try not to let that bother me. After all, he probably had much better things to do than spend time with me. I hadn`t seen him since the night he came calling for me either, so I hadn`t even had a chance to tell him about the camp out anyway. It didn`t stop me missing him and wishing he would show up out of the blue though. It must have shown on my face because Jo quickly suggests playing a game to cheer me up. What seemed like a great idea quickly makes me regret the decision to say yes.

Truth or dare.

I mean, seriously? Who even plays that anymore?

This wasn`t going to end well. I just knew it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	19. Truth or dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well it sounds to me,” begins Charlie, “that you like this guy.”

This is so ridiculous. Like, seriously ridiculous. The height of stupidity. I mean we were all teenagers here, hardly little wailing, immature infants anymore and they wanted to play a laughably childish game of truth or dare. Surely we had all grown out of this several years ago? Sam`s girlfriend and the red haired Charlie squeal and cheer their approval of Jo`s suggestion and I sigh. Looks like we hadn`t outgrown this pointless, not to mention extremely embarrassing game. I glance hopefully across at Sam, who apart from his face being a little pink has had no reaction, but that could have had something to do with the fact that it would give him the perfect opportunity to kiss his new girlfriend who was currently curled up in his lap. Wonderful. Just fucking wonderful.

“So are we all up for it?” Charlie asks, a determined fire in her eyes that is mirrored in Jo`s. Looks like we were not about to be given an opt out option.

“Okay, so who wants to go first?” Jess asks sitting up from her previous position in Sam`s lap. “Dean?”

I narrow my eyes at the pretty young woman and shake my head. “No way in hell.”

All three girls whine. “Oh but Dean, you`re the newbie! Everyone always has to pick on the new guy, it is like an unwritten law of the universe or something.”

“Jo`s right you know,” Charlie agrees teasingly, stretching lazily across her friend to reach for the backpack she had been too lazy to stand up and collect. It was deep pink and covered with badges and pins with cartoons doddle and logos on them that I couldn’t recognise. She hunts around for a few moments and comes away triumphantly with a thick notepad and a blue Doctor Who pen grasped in her small hands. She flips the hard covered book open to a clean page and hastily scribbles something down in her untidy scrawl. Jo and Jess are giggling softly and Sam looks just as perplexed as I do.

Jessica takes the notepad from her friend, “there,” she says smugly with a flourish, shoving it under my nose.

“Rules of the universe,” I read aloud, still confused. “All newbies must be teased, embarrassed and tortured before being fully accepted into a new friendship group via the horrifying game that is truth or dare.” I mentally facepalm.

“The law is no longer unwritten, so it has to be followed. Sorry Deano,” Charlie grins and snatches back her notebook. She sure as hell didn`t sound sorry as she tears out the page, bunches it into a loose ball and chucks it as my head. Seriously, all of this over one poxy little game?

“I don`t want to play truth or dare and I sure as hell am not going first.” I argue.

Jo stick out her tongue at me before stuffing a mini cupcake into her mouth. “Well too bad.”

“Seriously, all of this over one poxy little game?” I voice my earlier thoughts.

“Seriously, all of this over not wanting to play a poxy little game?”

“Maybe he`s trying to hide something,” Jess adds to her fair-haired haired friend`s comment as she begins to tidy up some of the sweets wrappers and empty pop bottles.

“He is obviously trying to hide something.” Jo turns to face Sam. “What do you think? Do you know what he is trying to hide?”

The younger boy shifts awkwardly on the colourful picnic blanket, twiddling his long thumbs clumsily as three pairs of bright, inquisitive eyes belonging to his friends all turn on him. I try to remain calm, but my mind can`t help from racing back to the conversation we had recently over dinner. Sam was a smart kid and I could tell from his face the other evening that he was very suspicious of me and my friendship with Castiel. I hadn`t been exactly subtle when probing him from information about Cas.

Oh shit! What if he had gotten the wrong idea about my relationship with Cas (which I think he had) and mistook if for being romantic? What if he told someone? I was only just starting to become comfortable here, with a small new group of friends, Kate and I had begun to be able to have proper conversations and even John was starting to know when to back down and give me some space. I was happy, if he told everyone then that would be all over.

“Well? What are you hiding, Dean?” Jo asks softly, not nosily, just a little curiously, clearing having given up trying to wheedle information out of my half-brother.

“Nothing!” I answer a half second too quickly, and her delicately arched eyebrows raise. She purses her plump, pink lips but thankfully drops it.

“I`ll go first,” she volunteers, standing up and wiping gritty sand off of her cat pyjama bottoms. “Do your worst,” she challenges, smirking confidently at us all in turn.

Surprisingly Jess is the first one to rise to the challenge. “Truth or dare?”

The blonde girl scoffs once, “Truth, but only because you are too much of a softy to come up with half decent dares.” She then turns to face me and informs me that Jessica`s truths were way worse and far more invasive than her half assed dares.

“Okay then you fearless little darling, truth it is.” She pretends to consider for a moment or two, stopping when Jo feigns a wide yawn, showing of her sharp looking teeth. “Ok then,” she says with a smile, “if you had to kiss anyone here tonight who would it be?”

“That`s weak! And so overdone it isn`t even funny anymore.” Jo grumbles to hide her obvious discomfort.

It may be overdone, but there was a damn good reason for that. It was effective. I think back to what Sam had told me about the younger girl previously, more specifically about her big crush on a certain red headed nerd and I grin over at him. He smiles back and nods. Looks like Jess had been clued in as well. What an annoying, persistent little matchmaker he was.

“Do you forfeit?” Sam teases, knowing that there was very little Jo hated more than admitting defeat. One time back in primary school, she apparently ate dirt just to one up the brown haired boy.

To answer his question she stalk over to Charlie, who had been watching the events with a puzzled but curious expression, lightly hitting Sam on the back of the head as she passes. His grin never falters once and it grows even wider when Jess starts fussing over him like he was an injured puppy. Jo grabs the older girl`s shoulders with her blue nail polished fingers and roughly pulls her forward, crashing their lips together for the briefest amount of time she felt she could get away with before walking away as much casual grace she could gather. It was kind of ruined ever so slightly when she doesn`t see a half empty tub of cakes and cookies and trips over them, tumbling down onto the powdery sand in a big heap of tangled limbs. Charlie rushes over to her and helps her up then quickly moves the plastic container into the large tent to save anymore accidents. We felt a little mean about it, but we all burst out laughing at Jo`s shocked/hurt puppy face when she lands, including her rescuer.

Charlie scoots closer to her with a wide smirk on her face that was more than a little unsettling. She wraps one arm around the younger girl who freezes in place. “I thought you chose a truth, not a dare. So why did you kiss me when technically you didn`t have to?”

Jo flushes even deeper.

“I only asked who you wanted to kiss, I didn`t tell you to actually do it,” Jess pipes up, much to her friend`s dismay.

“Okay, who wants to go next?” the embarrassed girl huffs, cheeks glowing a healthy shade of pink with shame.

Jess volunteers herself, trying to make up for the bet that went wrong. To get back at her Jo dares her to kiss Sam, who looks even more shocked and timid than she does when she plants her lips over his. It was all kinds of cute, which I don`t hesitate to point out, not passing up such a brilliant opportunity to annoy him.

The game continues without incident after that. Sam dares Charlie to eat as many mini cupcakes in a minute as possible (her final score was seven and a half) and he has to tell everyone just when exactly it was when he first realized he liked Jess. (Roughly a year and a half ago)

“Dean, your turn. Everyone else has been now.”

I groan, but judging by the looks on everyone`s faces I wasn’t going to get out of this for love nor money.

“Dean, truth or dare?” Sam asks.

“Truth.” I balk seeing his smug face and quickly reconsider. “No dare.” His grin widens evilly. “No scratch that!”

“Just pick one man!” Charlie yells, rolling her eyes, her arm still wrapped snugly around Jo who was smiling shyly up at her in an adoring way that made my stomach tighten longingly.

“Fine,” I mumble irritably, “dare.” Surly it couldn`t be that bad, right? No matter what the dare was, no matter how horrible it was it couldn’t be as bad as telling the truth. And from the look on Sam`s face I could imagine just what kind of questions he would ask, all of them humiliating and involving my frequent trips to visit Cas.

“I dare you to tell me who this Castiel is that you always sneak out to see.”

“That isn`t a real dare, Sammy, that is a truth with the words dare shoved in front of it,” I complain.

“Ah, but because the words are still in there, it still counts as one.”

I look at the others for help, but of course the nosy bitches side with Sam.

Sighing, I begin to tell them about running away from school that day and running into someone on the beach. I forget to mention that he was older than me, mysterious and incredibly good looking for fear of sounding like some cliché trashy teen girl novel. I also refrain from telling them about how he was the first real friend I had in years, and how he was the one who convinced me, albeit grudgingly to try and let go of some of my anger. And I was damned if I was telling them about that weird/creepy/possibly pleasant dream I had about him the other night when we had maybe sorta possibly kind of kissed.

“Well it sounds to me,” begins Charlie, “that you like this guy.”

My head snaps up, “no way. I`m straight. One hundred percent. Just ask Sammy. I was telling him all about my girlfriends the other day, he`ll tell you.”

Sam nibbles on his lower lip and suddenly becomes very interested in the patterns on the blanket under him.

“Tell them about Lisa,” I say, “I am not gay or whatever, honest,” I plead not so convincingly. Who I was trying to persuade wasn`t too clear to me either, whether it was myself or them I was trying to convince I was far from certain.

Cas`s beautiful cobalt eyes and his wide smile and comforting arms all flash through my mind in one bug dizzying rush. “Aw shit.”

Thankfully no one comments on it anymore and soon after we all decide to hit the hay. The tent had two bedroom areas-the girls were in one and Sam and I in the other. Sam was out like a light the second his head was down and his sleeping bag was only half zipped up. Without even thinking about it, I finish tucking him in and affectionately ruffle his tangle of hair before crawling into my own. In the dark I can hear the girls rummaging about for drinks and the zips of their own sleeping bags being done up and if half an hour later I can hear one of them being undone again and quiet shuffling as Jo crawls in next to Charlie, I won`t mention it in the morning.

Unlike the others, sleep doesn`t find me easily or quickly. My mind was racing with thoughts and images I would rather leave well alone. I shiver and sit upright and feel around for my bag and pull out an old band hoodie. The deep blue hoodie I had bought in Norwich for Cas comes out with it. I had packed it with my other stuff on the off chance he made an appearance. I still hadn’t been able to give it to him. It was really starting to annoy me. I knew nothing about the older boy, nothing of great importance anyway. I didn`t know where he lived so I couldn`t go round and give him his gift, I didn`t know what kind of music he liked and what TV shows he didn`t. I didn`t know if he was a dog person or a cat person, if he liked reading or if he preferred the movie and if he liked burgers. It wasn`t just trivial things like that he hadn’t told me either, I didn`t know anything useful about him. Like how old he actually was or who his family were. Hell, I didn`t even know his last name!

I tug the worn Black Sabbath hoodie on over my thin cotton t-shirt and lay back down, clutching the blue hoodie with the angel wings on it to my chest like some sort of comfort blanket and if I thought briefly of Cas and where he was tonight and what it would be like to hold him in my arms like this then it would be a secret that I took to the grave. I wonder if he was awake, maybe curled up in his bed somewhere. I wonder if he was happy, or if he was thinking of me too. I wonder if we had anything else in common, apart from being lost and confused. I doubted it. I close my eyes and drift off and away into dreamland. My last thoughts are oh so surprisingly of him and who he really was and what he was hiding from me. I knew so little about the guy, but I was honestly starting to think that it didn’t matter.

I was falling for him anyway.

 


	20. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is something the matter?"

I can`t have been asleep for more than an hour when I hear a soft rustling outside the tent, followed by a gravelly whisper. At first I naturally assume that it is just one of the girls, but I can hear Jess and Jo snoring gently and a strange, sleepy muttering coming from Charlie about Hobbits and Muggles. I bolt upright, disturbing the royal blue hoodie I had fallen asleep hugging, and get to my feet as quietly as possible. There was no point in waking up Sam and the others over nothing, and it was likely to just be a stupid seagull looking for an early morning snack.

I unzip the door of the massive tent in one swift motion, after fumbling around trying to find the zip for a few seconds. This was the second time I had seen the sunrise recently and it was just as beautiful, even without Cas by my side. Although I would have preferred it much more if the unusual older boy had been here to witness its beauty with mem, I could still appreciate it. I squint in the early morning light that was bathing the lonely beach in a beautiful golden light and take a look around. Small, timid waves were lapping quietly at the shore and several seabirds were already up and scouring the land for breakfast. One large gull with a gammy leg comes away triumphant from a brief battle with a smaller one and flies off with a mouthful of stale bread. Cute, but it wasn`t that had had woken me, I was certain.

Or maybe I was just hopeful and my deluded mind had been playing tricks on me by making me imagine things that weren`t there. _People_ that weren`t there. It felt as though I hadn`t seen Cas in years, when in reality it hadn`t even been long at all. Is that what being in love with someone did to you? Turn you in to on overly needy, desperate, clingy stalker? If so, then I hated it.

“Dean?” Sam mumbles groggily the second I re-enter the tent. I honestly hadn`t even finished zipping up the door when the gangly teen was up on his feet and making his way towards me to give me a great big morning hug. I make a disgusted face and try to pull away half-heartedly, but Sam knew and gripped me tighter.

“Yes, Sammy?” I finally manage to free myself and collapse back down in my sleeping bag. Looks like the girls were still snoozing.

“You`re awake?” He sounded more than a little surprised.

“Yes, Sammy. I am awake. How would I be talking with you otherwise, you idiot?”

He wasn`t impressed with my sarcasm. “Don`t be an asshole. You know what I meant. What are you doing up so early?”

Oh ya know, just out early in the hopes that the mysterious boy I met on the beach who I maybe/sort of/kind of had a massive weird gay crush on was outside waiting to steal me away. The usual. And yourself? Like hell I was telling him any of that confusing shit. I had already accidently let him trick me into admitting that Cas existed and that I had spoken to him. Sam was a smart kid, I was pretty sure he had already put it all together, much to my horror.

“It`s still early, why don`t you go back to sleep? It was really late when we finally crashed out so you must still be exhausted.”

Sam shrugs his shoulders. “Nah, not really. I am hungry though.” To prove his point his stomach begins to groan and gurgle in complaint of its emptiness.

I laugh, “how the hell can you possibly be hungry after all the crap we ate last night?” I shake my head but still get up and grab some food for him.

“Cheers,” he thanks me through a large mouthful of cheese and ham sandwich and I roll my eyes. He doesn`t even notice and continues to happily tuck into his breakfast. I honestly had no idea where the kid put it all, and by the time the girls get up half hour later he has already ploughed through four sandwiches, crusts and all, three quarters of a big sharing bag of crisps and three rows of a large Galaxy chocolate bar.

“I don`t think I have ever seen you eat this much crap,” I state, surprised.

The younger boy rolls his eyes, a perfect mirror of what I had done earlier and grins, putting down the chocolate. “We don`t get to eat much junk food normally,” he explains. “Mum is usually pretty healthy and we rarely get a lot of sweets so whenever we do, we all gorge ourselves until we feel sick. Her included.”

How charming.

“Morning all!” Jess greets us with a bright smile, her unruly bedhead contained in a messy bun with just a few short strands daring to escape and frame her tired face.

“Morning,” we both reply and the blonde girl sits between me and Sam, snuggling into his side. Out of surprise he almost drops his food.

Jo was less chirpy and greeted us with only a small, unladylike grunt and takes her seat next to me. Charlie wanders in a few minutes later, dragging a Hello Kitty hairbrush through her tangle of flaming hair. She gives up with an irritated growl and throws the pink and black object down disgustedly. From what I had learned about the nerdy girl last night she wasn`t the type to usually fuss about her appearance, especially around friends, so I figured that this new-found interest in making herself presentable had something to do with Jo.

“Don`t fuss,” the blonde girl says soothingly, snatching the almost empty bag of ready salted crisps from Sam, who whined and slapped her gently on the arm in protest. “You`ll never get your hair to lie flat.”

“Oh, thanks, Sweetheart. What a Love you are,” Charlie grumbles and shoves her hand into the packet Jo held out as a peace offering.

“Let me finish, alright?” She said while covering the red haired girl`s mouth with a delicate hand. “What I was going to say was that your hair looks fine anyway. Much better than mine.” She smiles, then gestures to her own mop, which had been coaxed back into a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck before pulling the other girl in for a big hug. I roll my eyes and am about to make a comment about their sickening loved-upness to Sam, but he too was curled up with Jess and acting all cute.

Feeling more than a little bit bombed out, I get up and run a hand through my ruffled hair, making it stand on end even more. I have absolutely no idea how Sam can put up with his longer, shaggy brown mop constantly falling in his face and doing weird flicky out things. “What time is your dad coming to pick us up again?”

“He said yesterday morning that he would be here to help us fetch the tent down at about one.”

“And you are still coming back to ours afterwards, right?” Sam asks overeagerly, practically drooling out of one corner of his upturned mouth at his new girlfriend. “And are we still on for the sleepover at yours next weekend, Charlie?”

Both girls giggle and nod. “Yes, Sam,” Jo says, stretching out fully on top of one of the sleeping bags, ending up with her top half resting across Charlie`s lap. She begins playing with her soft blonde hair.

Jessica`s father arrives right on time and quickly manages to force the tent into submission and packs it neatly away in the large trunk (or boot as the English insist on calling it) of the spacious car. The drive to Jess` home didn`t seem to take long at all, and that was with the girls blasting Taylor Swift from the radio, which admittedly wasn’t all that awful. He takes her things from the boot along with the tent which he puts safely away in the five berth caravan that was parked up on their driveway. God knows why they would see the need for a tent when they had that pristine white thing. He then gets back behind the wheel and drives us all back to our house and leaves, but not before reminding Jess that he would be waiting outside to pick her up at seven.

The five of us grab some snacks from the kitchen and some coke and water for Sam and make our way into the back garden. It was too beautiful a day to stay cooped up indoors according to Kate, who was busy keeping an eye on Adam as he splashed about in a medium sized inflated paddling pool. She was sat in a white patio chair next to it, letting her long legs dangle over the sides so she could dip her toes. Being a nurse meant she was always kept busy and on her feet. Today she was dressed in a casual white sundress, leaving her legs and arms bare in the hopes she might catch some sun.

I was really starting to believe what locals said about the good old British weather. On the rare occasion you saw the sun, you got dressed in shorts and flip flops and put the barbeque on, because you never knew how long it would last. Chances are the fine weather would vanish just as suddenly as it arrived.

“Were your shifts changed then?” I ask, grabbing two chairs, one for myself and another one for Sam who sits next to me, copying his mother. Sam told me when he asked if I wanted to camp out that Kate was working that night.

Kate looks up from Adam and bites her lip. “Well, no. I was going to tell you later when John came home from the shops, but…” she sighs, trailing off.

“Is something wrong?” Sam asks, clearly concerned.

She pats him on the head. “No, it`s wonderful news actually. I didn`t go into work last night because I was feeling funny early that morning, being sick and obviously I could go in and deal with sick patients if I was ill so I got John to phone me in,” she begins to explain. “To tell the truth I hadn`t been feeling quite right for a few days, and John of course had noticed and threatened to take me to a see a doctor myself,” she grins. “What a menace your father is. Anyway long story short, I am not sick.”

“Well what then?” Sam demands an answer, getting up from his chair. Jess and Kate both put an arm on his shoulder to calm him.

She takes a deep breath. “I am expecting a baby. I`m pregnant.”

Cue screaming from all of the girls and a dazed and confused look from Sam which soon transforms into a bright, loving smile. Adam, being a little too young to properly understand keeps on playing in the water. Later that night after the girls had gone he asks if that meant he was going to be a big brother like Sam and me and his parents tell him that yes, he was.

I didn`t know how I felt about it and I think that it made everyone nervous that I hadn’t voiced my opinion. I place my head in my hands and think for a long time. On the one hand I felt a little like I had when I had first been informed about Sam being born. Replaced. Not that I had any right to this time. Kate had been nothing but good to me since I had arrived like some demonic hell spawn on her doorstep, hissing and baring my fangs.

Later that night I creep out of my room and go downstairs to get a drink. Sam and Adam had long since gone to bed, but Kate and John were still sitting downstairs watching the news. Hesitantly I wander over and sit in-between them both, resting my tired head on her shoulders. John looks up from the screen in surprise but says silent, pretending he hadn`t noticed. He probably thought I would flip out at him if he opened his mouth. Tears prick my eyelids and I almost want them to spill over and flood my face. I wasn`t upset or even really all that angry anymore, I couldn’t place the emotions I was experiencing and I hated it. About five seconds after my head was down, Kate rushes to wrap a delicate arm around me, pulling me closer to her chest. She was warm and comforting and smelt of some expensive floral perfume. Very similar to the kind my own mom wore and my eyes sting more.

“Oh Honey,” she cries out. “Whatever is the matter? Did our news upset you? Was it too soon to tell you? I did think maybe it was a little insensitive of me to just come out and announce it like that.”

I shake my head, feeling even worse. “No, it`s definitely not that. I`m happy for you.” I turn to look at John, staring him directly in the eye. “Really, really happy for you.” And it was the God`s honest truth. “I just don’t even know what`s wrong with me. I was sitting upstairs in my room and for the first time in a long time I felt at home. Like this was somewhere that I could be happy, somewhere I could belong.” I hated admitting this kind of thing, especially to them, but the words kept spewing out before I could reign them back in. “Then I felt guilty because I`ve treated you both so badly and my mum too and seeing how close you all are as a family makes me angry because that was all I ever wanted and it hurts. Sometimes I feel like an outsider, but then one of you will smile at me or say something and I feel happy again and things are just so jumbled I`m not even making any sense.”

Neither of them have any clue what to say to me. They just sit there in a stunned sort of silence, taking it all in, trying to make some sense of the chaotic word vomit and mixed up meaning behind it all.

Surprisingly, John was the first one to speak. “I`m sorry, Dean, but I don`t know what to say to all that. I`m sorry, I truly am. I meant it when I apologised to you before, I`m sorry. I know that I messed up big time and I know now that I caused you a tremendous amount of pain and I should never have done that.”

He looks so much different to the man who had abandoned me all those years ago without a care in the world. He looks heartbroken. Heartbroken at the thought of causing me pain.

“I know you don`t like to hear this, but I am your father-“

“Stop!” I don’t mean to shout.

He flinches. John Winchester actually flinches. “I`m sorry, I know I have been a pretty shit dad, but I am still-“

“No,” I interrupt again. “I mean…you can, you are my father.” My cheeks redden a little and my earlier tears are replaced with embarrassment. “You can call yourself that. I-If you want to,” I add in quickly.

John smiles almost shyly in thanks. “Alright,” he sounded confused, but grateful nonetheless. “I have been a really horrible father, and I am so sorry, and I can fully understand if you never find it in you to forgive me, but I want you to know that it is my biggest regret. I am your dad, it is my job to protect you and all I ever did was cause you hurt. Walking out on you,” he clarifies, “was the worst mistake I will ever make and if you give me the chance then I will spend the rest of the time I have with you trying to make things right.”

It is around five seconds later when I catapult myself into his lap, throwing my arms around him and burying my head in his chest. He loved me, I could tell. He really, really did love me. That was something I had feared was never true ever since the day he left. And I was wrong, he loved me. My dad did love me.

And I loved him.

I awkwardly worm myself away a few minutes late, cheeks flushed. “Well I`m going to go to bed. G`night.” I walk towards the door and without turning back mutter, “I love you, dad,” and walk away.

 


	21. Bonding

Sam`s friends spend a lot of time over at the house over the holidays, especially for the first couple of weeks. It was great at first, the girls were actually pretty awesome, but I still end up spending most of my time out of the house on the beach with Cas. He loved his present. The strange boy had been more than a little surprised when I held it out to him with a somewhat shaky hand, a faint pink blush splashed across my freckled face, which only made them stand out more prominently.

“A gift? For me, Dean?” he had questioned curiously, brows knitted together. He took the unwrapped blue hoodie out of the plain black gift shop bag it had come in, lifting it out gingerly as though if he was too rough handed it might disintegrate.

“No, I bought a gift for someone else and just wanted to rub it in by showing you,” I roll my eyes, half expecting the sarcasm to be lost on the confused older boy.

He unfolds the soft blue fabric gently, the long sleeves flopping about in the warm summer breeze. The past week had we had seen nothing but cloudless blue skies, sunshine and ice creams, with the temperature soaring somewhere in the high twenties, and at times even in the very low thirties. English weather sucked, so this is a shock to everyone, TV weatherman included. Pasty bodies were baking on their deckchairs on the more popular beach in the nearby town of Great Yarmouth, but thankfully the usually empty stretch of sand we frequented was for the most part at least, blissfully unaffected. There had been one or two dog walkers, but thankfully no small children screaming their impressive lungs out and disturbing us.

Despite the raging heat, Cas still pulls the royal blue hoodie over his head to try it on, fluffing up his permanently untidy hair. It was a little big on him, a little too long in the sleeves, which was easily remedied by folding them over once. Even though it was easily twenty nine, maybe even thirty degrees he was still dressed in his usual scraggily jeans with the rips at the knee. Even I had admitted defeat and given into Kate’s motherly nagging and had worn a pair of shorts today. Well, I say shorts, but they were really an old pair of jeans Sam and I had hacked at with sharp kitchen scissors earlier. The frayed hem now rested just under my knees, leaving room for a very disconcerting breeze to whip around my bare legs.

“Thank you,” Cas said gratefully, tugging off the jacket in one swift effort, the movement lifting up half of his shift with it. I groan inwardly, cursing my luck and turn away before he can see my face heating up. At least I would have the excuse of the bizarrely hot weather today.

“I`m glad you like it.” I say honestly, shrugging my shoulders awkwardly.

“I love it,” he replies happily, maybe a little too hastily because he flushes, and begins to refold it when something catches his eye. He stops. “Are those supposed to be wings?” He points at the intricate black design that almost completely covered the back of the jacket, the wings starting at the shoulder blades and swirling down, curling inwards slightly at the bottom.

I nod, scratching the back of my head uneasily. “Well yeah. I remembered the story you told me about wishing you could fly as a kid and I know how bad the weather is supposed to be in England, so I just thought you might have use for it,” I ramble. Bringing up the weather? I mean really? Was I trying to bore the poor guy? This was hopeless, a fucking disaster movie waiting to happen.

Cas seems amused by this and actually laughs. “It`s just perfect,” he chuckles. Although I have no idea why, I join in. “I don`t think the weather got the memo though.” He jokes, and much to my dismay (and partial delight) pokes out a delicate pink tongue and swipes it gracelessly across his chapped bottom lip.

When I get back later, Sam and Adam were waiting for me in the back garden. I had just missed the girls, and John was busy preparing dinner while Kate was working a late shift. His idea of cooking dinner either involved grabbing whatever in the fridge was fresh, bunging it altogether in a pot or tray and hoping for the best, or calling for a take out. Luckily for us, payday had just been so we were getting treated to a Chinese takeaway. I answered the door to a lovely older man with greying hair, aided of course by my trusty shadows, Sam and Adam. We take our plates out into the garden, tucking into the heaps of vegetable rice (Sam) noodles (Adam, and we had saved plenty for Kate). I wasn`t sure what to order, so I had a mix match of everything everyone else had. Chicken and pork balls, prawn crackers and noodles formed an unsteady mountain on my plate that I was more than ready to conquer.

“So, Dean,” John begins, speaking through a mouthful of food. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah.” I still hadn`t told them about Cas, though Sam did keeping asking the occasional question when it was just the two of us. Nothing too difficult to explain, just if I had seen the boy from the beach again or if I had found out more about him. I hated lying to the younger teen, who by now I considered a valuable friend, but I wasn`t prepared to trust anyone with that sort of information.

It was late, and I was helping Sam with the last of his summer homework. How cruel is that? The holidays are supposed to be fun and the biggest part of that was revelling in the lack of schoolwork, but nope. His school had lumbered the poor kid with a mountain of work to be completed for his new teachers in September. It was positively medieval. The studious boy had nearly completed his already, explaining to me once he saw the look of upmost horror and disgust on my face that the sooner it was done the sooner he could forget about it and just enjoy himself. Made sense I suppose, in a strange way.

“This is stupid,” I complain, throwing a worn paperback down on his bed in frustration. “Who even read this crap anymore?”

Sam sighs, “They are classics for a reason, Dean.”

“I don`t care what a bunch of boring old English teachers and people with no lives say, classic novels are boring. Just a bunch of old-time speak and a bunch of boring guys trying to woo prudish rich girls in long skirts.”

Sam looks personally offended. “Not all of them are like that,” he counters. I blink once and pull a face to show my disbelief. “No really!” he insists.

“Right.” I lay back on the bed, throwing my arms behind my head and closing my eyes. “Guess I`m not much of a book person.”

Sam looks horrified, I can tell without even opening my eyes, just by hearing his sharp intake off breath. Two tall and proud bookcases covered almost all of the far wall. Books were stuffed in every available crack of space, rows and rows of paperbacks, hardbacks and limited editions with even more squeezed in on top of them. The extensive collection of books didn`t stop there, it spilled over onto he oak shelves that were zigzagged across his walls. The ones that weren`t stacked high with books were piled even higher with even more books.

“You have a couple of books in your room.”

“Not many. Only about five or six and I can`t even remember the last time I picked one of them up.”

Before the split, I had been an avid reader, like Sam, devouring anything in sight. The School library was my favourite place, the sports field taking second place and mum would take me at least four times a month to buy a new book to keep me quiet. When John left, my interest in reading, like most others things had crawled up and died just like my love for him. My piles of beloved stories had been carelessly thrown into big cardboard boxes, along with other childhood memories like sports certificates and trophies, teddies, hot wheels cars, and anything else he had ever gotten me, and dumped.

“I used to read a lot as a kid,” I begin, cluelessly wondering how to explain to make Sam understand. “Then one day I just stopped.”

His eyes narrow as he thinks, then soften sadly. “Oh.” He says nothing else for a long time, doesn`t even look up from his book report. Then, “I`m sorry.”

“It`s not your fault.” I felt horrible for ever thinking that it was, for blaming such a lovely young boy like Sam.

“I think I get it, why you hated me at first. I`d stolen your father and then had the cheek to think that we could be friends, that you would even _want_ to be friends.”

“Sam, listen,” I begin, hesitantly wrapping an arm around him. “Look, I was mad alright? I was furious. I`m not gonna lie, yes, I hated you at first. You were some little brat who had everything, the perfect family that loved him. I didn`t have that. I wasn`t wanted.”

He tries to interrupt. “You are wanted. I want you here.” He blushes and ducks his head down, his long hair making an effective shield.

I smile. “I know. And you didn`t steal dad,” I pause, a smiling image of Kate coming to mind. Not too long ago the image would have made me hurl, or punch something, but it wasn`t her fault either. He didn`t tell her. “It isn`t anyone`s fault. No one can make John do anything. He wanted to leave so he did. Kate wouldn’t have wanted that, I`m sure. She`s a good person.” I groan. Why was this so complicated?

“You`re a good person too,” he admits softly, eyes full of adoration, looking up at me shyly as though he was afraid I might snap at him.

“I`m a mess, Sam.” I clarify, not wanting him to get his views mixed up and warped, thinking that I was the kind of person you could look up to. “Not a good guy, not a hero. I`m not anything. Back in Kansas, at home-“I frown. Since when had it became so hard to think of Kansas as home? What did that even mean? “Back home I never could do anything right. I was failing all my classes, I couldn`t keep a girlfriend, my ex got knocked up and I was petrified it might have been mine, I was drinking out of control and all my so called friends,” I sneer the word, “were assholes.”

Sam sits up. “Well maybe that`s all true,” he glares at me upon seeing my stern face. “Ok, so that`s all true, but that isn`t what things are like now. You`ve changed. You`re being nice to me and Adam, helping Kate and making friends. Especially with this Cas person.” He smirks, seeing my horrified face. “Yes, I know you have been sneaking out to at night and where you are during the day when you say you are studying.”

“I don`t know what you are trying to get at, but Cas is just some guy who is sometimes at the beach when I go there to study. Unlike you who is on holiday, dad and Kate think I should still do a page or two of work a day so I have something to show the schools in September in the hopes that they will accept me.”

Before I can stop and ask him where he is going, Sam is up and on his feet, racing out of the half open door and down the hallway towards my room. He comes back in a minute later, panting from tearing my room apart trying to find what he was looking for. An A4 sized black notebook was in his hands and he was flicking through the pages trying to find anything that could be considered schoolwork.

“Hangman, noughts and crosses, random doodles, this doesn`t look much like work to me, big brother,” he smirks, and I can hear the glee in his voice. “Is this Cas guy your boyfriend or something?”

I scowl at him and snatch the book back angrily. “No, and even if he was, which he isn`t it would be none of your business anyway!” I snap, regretting it straight away when I see the hurt look on his face.

I sigh, “Look Sammy, it isn`t that I don`t trust you or anything, but things are…complicated. I hardly know the guy, heck I don`t even know his last name and I probably won’t be staying here much longer, not after the new baby is born because I`ll only get in the way and there is not point getting too attached to someone I will never see again. And besides, I`m not interested,” I tack on lamely, fully aware of how pathetic that sounded.

“That doesn`t sound like somebody who isn`t interested,” Sam gloats.

“Yes, thank you Sam!”

He full on belly laughs and I flick him across the back of the head, warning him to keep his voice down.

“When can I meet him?”

Hmm…let me see…Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thurs-never!

“When hell freezes over.”

“I`ll tell Adam.”

“Wow, so scary. What`s he gonna do? Draw me little hearts? Make kissy faces?” I scoff.

“And mum and dad.”

It was as though a bucket of ice water had been chucked over me. Sammy hadn’t meant it, it was an empty threat and he couldn`t have known the pure terror his words had instilled on me, but the though still petrified me.

“Please Sam, you can`t, you just can`t,” I try and remain calm, but the tremor in my voice gives me away.

“Dean, I`m sorry. I didn`t mean-”He catapults his long body into my lap and clings to my shirt. “Of course I won`t tell, I was just joking. I just really want to meet the guy who is making you so happy.”

I groan, but the overeager puppy look he has had years to perfect makes a comeback, and I grudgingly agree. “Fine, but no one else, not even Charlie can ever know.” Out of all of his friends, I would have to consider myself closer to the red haired nerd, who had become something of a little sister to me, despite only being a month or so younger.

He grins, “Deal.”

 


	22. Meeting

It was early Saturday morning, the sun had returned after the loud thunderstorms we had been treated to last night, and the five of us were sat outside in the well-kept garden eating breakfast at a wonky patio table. It was Kate was enjoying a rare weekend off, and although she wasn`t even showing yet, John was fussing and fretting over his expecting wife. Adam plays merrily with his soggy bread and runny eggs, giggling when Sam gently tries to mop up his messy face. He put down the ruined napkin with a smirk in my direction. Why on Earth had I ever allowed myself to be talked into letting him meet Cas? I bite back a sigh and pick up my own slice of lightly toasted bread and tuck in.

“Do you boys have any plans for the day?” Kate asks through a yawn. It was still early, so her soft hair was still tangled from sleep and her face clean of the usual makeup she wore.

Sam grins, “Dean is taking me to the beach.”

“That sounds nice, but don`t forget to still do a page or two of work, Dean.” Seeing my disgruntled face she tack on, “I know it is unfair because it is the summer, but we need to have something to show the schools in September.”

I nod sheepishly. I had spent practically every day with Cas for the past three weeks of the holidays. While I had at first tried to stick to it, I had quickly forgotten all about the work that had been set for me. I would stay up late tonight with Sam and try and get a chapter or two done, and maybe Cas wouldn`t mind too much if I did some on the beach with him. Provided I supplied fizzy drinks and chocolate bars for brain food of course.

“Can I come too? I want to go to the beach too,” Adam asks hopefully, not whingeing at all. He was a lovely little boy, I hated to admit. Polite and kind hearted and very helpful around the house. It was adorable the way he followed Sam (and me, when I was home) around the house like a second shadow. A very clingy, chatty and possibly sticky shadow.

Everyone at the table turns to face me. John looks apprehensive, as though he was wondering if I would through a fit, while Kate just looks hopeful. Adam uses the puppy dog eyes, and although he still had a way to go before he perfected them as well as Sam has, they still worked on melting my cold black heart.

“Sure you can come with us, buddy,” I cave.

His little face lights up and I can`t help but smile back down at him.

“Will you boys want a packed lunch to take with you? How long are you planning on being?”

“Stop worrying, woman. The boys will be fine. They can make their own damn lunch you need to rest it is rare you get the weekends off.”

“Oh like you`re one to talk, John. Ever since you found out about the baby you have turned into the biggest worry wart.”

He flushes, “I have not!”

Kate laughs, getting to her feet with a swish of her pale pink nightgown and begins gathering up the now empty plates. He looks like he wants to protest. “Oh sweetie, can I carry your bags? Oh love, let me get that it is far too heavy and you need to rest. Darling, go put your feet up, I`ll do dinner, would you like me to cut up your food for you? Shall I breathe for you as well?” She giggles like a schoolgirl as we all sit there in surprise.

John has the sense to look embarrassed, rubbing one large calloused hand across the back of his neck. “I`m just trying to be thoughtful.”

She smiles, puts the plates down again and kiss his cheek softly. “I know, but you need to give me some room to breathe. I`m pregnant, not ill. I`ve done it twice before with no problems so I think I know what I`m capable of doing. When I`m the size of a beached while in seven months’ time then you can wait on me hand and foot, how’s that sound?”

Sam and Adam follow me to my room where I grab my bag and bring it downstairs, and begin stuffing it full of food. Since her cravings had kicked in already, Kate had hurriedly thrown her healthy eating plan out of the window and swiftly barricaded it shut. The result was the piles and piles of crisps, chocolate and sweets in the cupboard. Sam and Adam pic out a few things each while I run to the fridge and gather four bottles of coke.

“No remember the plan guys. I will head down to the beach first and see if Cas is there. If he is I will call you and tell you to come down. If not, well I`ll call you anyway.”

Both boys nod their understanding. I couldn`t decide if I wanted Cas to be there or not. It wasn`t that I didn’t trust Sam or Adam, I made them promise not to breathe a word to anyone, and I trusted them, but I kind of liked being the only one to know about Cas. We had these really weird friendship going on and I don`t think I was ready for that to change just yet, but Sam trusted me about Jess so maybe it was only fair? Not that whatever me and Cas had was romantic. Well, not overly at least. There had been the odd moment where I thought that he might have been flirting with me, and I may or may not have flirted right back, but that was normal, wasn`t it? Didn’t all friends have those stupid little jokey moments?

The beach, as usual was empty when I got there. All except for one messy haired young man dressed in loose fitting jeans and a royal blue hoodie with angel wings on the back, despite the warm weather. I run over to him, kicking up a sand in my wake.

“Dean!” He turns and smiles, eyes twinkling and pulls me into a tight, warm hug. I nearly lose my footing out of surprise, but blessedly regain it before I could embarrass myself by doing something stupid like falling on him.

“Cas,” I return the smile, awkwardly and reluctantly stepping out of his embrace.

“Dean, I have to tell you something. It`s important.”

“Okay,” I keep smiling. “But first I have to people I want you to meet.”

His handsome face drops, bright eyes dulling over momentarily. “Dean,” he says warningly, a tough edge to his usually calm voice I had never heard before. “No. Nobody else, just you. I don`t-I can`t-“he`s trembling. I reach out a hand to steady him but he recoils. That hurt. I won`t lie.

“What are you talking about? It`s just my brothers. They`re real nice, they just want to meet you because I`ve been spending so much time with you. It`s kinda funny, Sammy, the older one seems to think that there is something going on. Between us,” I clarify, laughing semi awkwardly wondering yet again why I couldn’t just seem to keep my great big pie hole shut.

“Dean!” The voices in the distance can only belong to Sam and Adam. Castiel freezes before turning on the heels of his bare feet and bolts outta there like some kind of scared animal.

I chase after him. “Cas! What the hell, man? It`s just my kid brothers, nothing to be scared of.” Damn it this guy could shift when he wanted to.

“Dean, I`m sorry,” he calls back over his shoulder. “I can`t meet you family, I just can`t!”

I come to a stop just by the large rocks where we first met, crunched over myself and gasping for air. What the hell was that irrational outburst all about? Sam and Adam were only kids, they weren’t going to hurt him or anything. Sam was a nosy little bastard, he might interrogate him sure, but not hurt him. Unless…Oh shit. Had he somehow gotten the wrong idea about us and thought of this as a whole meet the family kind of set up? Oh shit. Had what I said about Sam thinking there was something going on between us freaked him out? Shitshitdamnfuckshit. It was over, our friendship was sunk.

I knew I was being irrational, I would just come back tomorrow and explain to him that it was just a stupid joke and that I was sorry for whatever happened and things would go right back to normal. He didn`t have to freak out so much though.

“Dean? What happened? Where`s your friend?”

“Yeah,” Adam pipes in. “Where`s your boyfriend?”

“HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!” I snap, and Adam squeaks and hides behind his big brother`s legs. Sam pats him on the head comfortingly while glaring at me.

“There was no need to snap at him. He`s only repeating what I told him. Besides you practically admitted to me last night that you like this Castiel guy and you spend like all of your time with him so he near enough is your boyfriend.”

“No, no he is not my fucking boyfriend! He is just my friend and now you have bloody well went and scared him off by showing up here.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Oh come of it, Dean, we aren`t that scary. There is obviously something else going on with him.”

I sigh. “Look just get the food out of my bag and we`ll eat lunch. I don`t want to talk about it anymore, ok?”

He looks like he wants to argue about it, but wisely keeps his gob shut.

Adam, on the other hand doesn`t. “Are you sure you aren`t just imagining him? I sure didn`t see anyone else on the beach besides you.”

“He was here, you two just frightened him off. Maybe he didn`t want to spend the day with two kids.”

Sam and Adam both grin. “What he means is he would have rather spent the day with you and only you.”

“Oh shut up, Adam.” I grab a dairy milk bar and shove it into his open mouth to shut him up. He giggles playfully and takes a bite.

“Dean, I told you, I don`t care if you like this Castiel guy.”

“How is this not talking about it again? I thought you were smart, Sam, what part of that did you not understand?”

“Dean, I just want you to feel like you can be honest with me. And yourself,” he tacks on at the end, despite my warning glare.

“It might not matter to you, but it sure as hell would matter to dad. I`ve only just started building back up a relationship with him, I don`t want to ruin that.”

Stumped as to what to say next, Sam scoots over until he was sitting right next to me and pulls me into a big hug. Adam instantly abandons his chocolate bar and joins crawls into my lap when Sam finally lets me squirm free.

“I`ll be leaving soon anyway. I told you I don`t plan on staying much past the end of the summer. Everyone will be sick of me by then and I don`t want to still be stuck her when the baby comes because they really will want rid of me.” Screw my promise to Cas about sticking around. I couldn’t do it. I thought I could be part of one big happy family again but I just wasn`t sure.

“Don`t go.”

“Stay.”

“But-“ “No buts, Dean, you are our brother, we love you and we are not being separated again. Mum and dad love you too and all that crap about not being wanted anymore when the new baby gets here is bull and you know it.”

 


	23. Friends

The rest of the day was God awful after Cas ditching me on the beach. Sam and Adam were admittedly really sweet about it and you could really tell they were trying to cheer me up and pull me out of my foul mood, but we only stayed about an hour. Dinner that night was spent in my room alone for the first time in weeks. When Sam tried to come in afterwards to watch some crappy teen horror with me, I used the excuse that I had a headache and he swiftly left with that hurt puppy look of his. I wasn`t proud of it, I took absolutely no pleasure in avoiding my half-brothers and upsetting them, but I just needed to be alone for a while as I dealt with the sting of rejection.

I had no right to feel this way, like a dumped prom date, but I did. After all, Cas and I had never given a label to our awkward friendship, but I would be lying if I said I hadn`t briefly wondered what the older boy thought of me from time to time. Like now for instance, laying face down in bed with the covers drawn right up over my head in a childish attempt to shut out the world and its stupid problems, pillows on top for good measure while I blasted loud angry rock music from my IPod. I sure had hated it at first, but the little gizmo was actually a Godsend. Where was he? Why did he run off like that? Was he thinking of me too?

I knew one thing for certain: I was so fucking sick of acting like a dumb lovesick teenage girl.

Blissful sleep finally lulls me over at about two, but it was an uneasy restless sort of slumber and I am hurled back into consciousness again by three.

“Dean!” I am ninety percent sure that I was imagining the gravelly whisper coming from my opened window, so I roll back over on my side and close my eyes again. “Dean get up!” Abruptly the duvet is snatched from over my body and thrown onto the floor. I don`t care how much of a sweetheart Sammy was, the damn kid was gonna get it now.

I jerk upright. “Sam get the hell out of here. I`m sleeping,” I complain.

A throaty chuckle too deep to belong to Sam echoes across the dark room. “C-Cas?” I question hopefully, wondering when I had fallen back to sleep.

“Correct,” he replies, standing at the bottom of the bed awkwardly shuffling his feet.

I tell him to sit down and after a brief moment of hesitation he does so, right on the very edge of the new Batman sheets Kate had treated me to a few days before. “Nice.”

“Shut up!” I slap him with one of the pillows but he snatches it away, throwing the soft thing back in my face. “Oh real mature, Castiel.”

His face falls upon hearing me say his entire first name for the first time in weeks. “Not Cas? Are you so mad at me that you cannot bring yourself to call me the nickname you gifted me at the beginning of our friendship?”

I sigh. “No Cas, I`m mad at you sure, but we`re still friends.” I pause. “Well I`m still your friend.”

He frowns. “You think I left because I didn`t want to be your friend any longer?” He looks sad. His blue eyes missing their usual shine and his entire body crumpled forward so that he was staring at his lap instead of my face when he spoke.

“How did you even get in here? Smash a window or something because I`m not taking the blame for it.”

“I came through the window obviously.”

I stare at him with a completely deadpan look on my face. “You came through the window?” I repeat, disbelief colouring the words.

“I came through the window,” he said again. “If you were a tad more observant, Dean you would have noticed that there is a trellis under the window. I used that like a ladder to help me climb up.”

“What are you doing here? You ditched me,” I inwardly curse myself for yet again sounding like either a love-struck teen girl, or a ditched prom date. I was Dean Fucking Winchester for Christ`s sake! Why was Cas affecting me like this? He was nothing special, just some weird guy with the stupidest constantly ruffled hair and the bluest blue eyes ever and stupid deep voice. So I might have been developing the teeny-tiniest little crush on him. So what? It didn`t mean anything and it certainly didn`t mean I had to go to pieces over him like some wimpy Disney Princess. He was hardly Prince Charming. More like Prince Confusing.

“I came to apologise for running off earlier, I wish I could explain why, but I can`t.” He still doesn`t look me in the eyes and it was bothering me more and more each second. “Not yet anyway. I don`t think you are prepared to hear the reasons just now. I hope you forgive me anyway.” He looks up at me hopefully from behind damp lashes.

“How could I refuse that face?” I wasn`t aware I had said it out loud until I am given the brightest Cas grin I had ever seen, including the time I had finally given him his present.

“So…you meant it? Friends?” he asks hesitantly, fearing rejection.

I take a deep breath and hold it. Now would be the perfect opportunity to tell him that no, I didn`t want to be just friends with him. It would be the ideal moment to open up and unload all of the secrets I had been hiding from him for weeks. Good thing I didn`t believe in destiny and the perfect moment crap otherwise I would be in big trouble.

“Dean? Do you not wish to be friends any longer?”

Another deep breath. Now or never.

“No Cas. No I don`t.”

He looks heartbroken. He crumples in on himself, eyes filling up with salty tears of rejection as he takes in the cutting news. “Oh.” He gets slowly to his feet. “Goodbye, Dean,” he says mournfully, eyes full of sorrow.

I reach out and grab his arm just above his wrist. “Wait. That wasn`t what I meant. You need to let me finish, man.”

He frowns. “I don`t understand.”

Now or never. My palms were sweating shamefully, heart doing uncomfortably and daring acrobatic flips in my throat. “I`m not your friend, Cas,” I tell him, voice surprisingly steady while staring at his chapped lips.

He finally seems to notice the implication behind my words and not so subtle staring and lets out a shaky “oh.” His frown melts away and his eyes dry. “Dean, I had no idea.”

I was embarrassed now. “Y-yeah well it`s nothing all that important,” I laugh awkwardly. “Just forget I ever mentioned it, alright?”

“I`m afraid I can`t do that,” He replies sincerely, pausing for a short moment before coming away from the window and sitting back down next to me, thighs brushing. He leans in even closer to me gradually, a shy blush painting his terrified face, giving me more than enough time to push him off and reject his advances.

I don`t.

I think about if for half a second, but in the end I decide to do what I wanted and to screw the rest. His lips were rough and tasted of the salt from his tears, but his hands were soft and gentle as they loop behind my neck, pulling me closer. It was clumsy and awkward. Cas clearly hadn`t had much practice and it showed when he kept bumping his nose against mine or accidentally nipping my bottom lip too hard with his teeth. He tries to apologise for this by soothing the bite with his tongue, but even that action was overeager. His willingness and excitement certainly made up for his obvious inexperience though, even if it was one of the worst kisses I had since my own first when I was about twelve. It was Cas I was kissing though, which actually made it one of the best of not the best kiss I had ever received.

He pulls away slowly, his face red enough to rival a tomato and I laugh, but not nastily. He struggles to detach himself from me, flushing even deeper when he realises the reason he couldn`t move was that his own leg was wrapped securely around my waist and seemed to have no plans of moving any item soon. He races to apologise and I shut him up with another kiss, this time only lasting for a moment.

“Chill, Cas. It`s fine.” I smile at him and rearrange our positions so that we were both lying down, him with his head on my chest. “Stay for a while?”

He chews his kiss swollen lip nervously as he considers it.

“I don`t mean anything creepy by it, I just don`t wanna be alone.” I finally say the words I had been holding back all these years. I don`t want to be left alone again.

“Ok then,” he agrees and snuggles closer, drooping eyelids struggling to remain open. “Just for a little while.”

 

 


	24. Admission

“Good morning, Dean,” Cas mumbles roughly against my neck as he leans in closer to press a sweet kiss to the delicate spot of flesh where my pulse beat the strongest, his tousled hair tickling me. If he noticed it speed up slightly, he politely left it unsaid.

“Good morning to you to,” I chuckle against the pillow and lean back into his warm embrace, too sleepy to protest when he wraps his arms around me tightly, forcing me even closer. I felt safe in his embrace, warm and secure. Like he wanted me, maybe even needed me to stay. I could panic, in fact I should be panicking right now, but for once I was too peaceful to let a small thing such as pride get the best of me. For now at least, I was content to lie in Castiel`s arms and doze in and out.

We wake again around an hour later at ten, properly this time. Cas sits up first, running a hand through his hair that had been styled by the pillow into even more of a tangled mess than usual. I bite back a chuckle, but he sees and lightly slaps me with the edge of the duvet. Once again, he smiles as the childish Batman covers and I find myself grinning back. Being with him was so simple, as natural as breathing. I didn`t have to consider what I was going to say next, worry about holding my tongue or him discovering just how broken I was.

He already knew that. He knew I was broken, damaged, a fuck up. That I had a sharp tongue and rarely engaged my brain before opening my pie hole. He was still here next to me in spite of all my flaws. I had finally found what I had been looking for after so long; a person who wouldn`t give up on me. And I had found it in this strange boy with this odd boy with the blue eyes and dark hair. Not that I was in any big hurry to say any of this out loud to him though.

“Where are the others?” he asks.

I stare blankly at him, confused and sleepy.

“You family?”

“Oh,” I laugh awkwardly. Damn my stupid, sleepy head. “Sorry, I guess I`m still half asleep. Sam is probably still sleeping or playing with Adam in the garden.” As if he had heard me there is a loud squeal from outside the window. I glance out and see Sam pushing his adoring younger brother on the swing.

“Cute.”

I nod in agreement. “And dad will be at work. He works late on Wednesdays because they still haven`t found a decent replacement for the co-owner, Bobby Singer. He had an accident a while back. And Kate is on nightshifts this week so she will be sleeping so…” So we are basically all alone in case you were wondering, Cas. All alone, just in case you were trying to hint at something. Or not, I mean either way I`m easy. Just saying. Alone.

That isn`t what Cas says next though. “I`m sorry to hear about his accident. I take it he and your father are close then?”

It takes a lot of effort to force back my frown. “Yeah, they opened the garage together, worked together and split it all right down the middle. When Bobby got hurt he tried to give his half to dad, but he wouldn`t have it. Threatened to throw punches if he so much as mentioned it again. He`s a real good guy, is Bobby. He comes round a couple of times a month to watch football with dad or else just have a beer. Sam and Adam love him.”

“It sounds like you are fond of him to.”

I smile. “Sure. He`s a nice guy. What`s not to like?”

“I would very much like to meet him one day. I am used to dealing with people with long term injuries. Maybe I could offer him kind of comfort?”

What a U turn, eh Cas? Yesterday you were terrified at the thought of coming face to face with my younger brothers, and now you want to meet my sort of step uncle. That was what Sam and Adam called him, Uncle Bobby. I don`t say any of this to Cas. I didn`t want to ruin whatever this was happening between us.

Instead I say, “I don`t think that`d be such a good idea. He gets kinda cranky, you know, especially if anyone brings up the accident.”

We talk for a while longer, before Cas tells me he has to go. “I just had a thought. You like cars, don`t you?”

“Is pie the best food ever?” I throw back at him.

He looks confused.

I sigh, too tired to explain the whole stupid question, stupid answer thing. “Yeah, Why?”

He shuffles his feet awkwardly, trying to judge whether he should or shouldn`t continue. “Well why don`t you talk to your dad about working for him at the garage?” Seeing my face he quickly backtracks. “I mean, I`m sorry. It was just an idea forget all about it. I shouldn`t have mentioned it. After all, it is none of my businesses.”

“No, Cas. It`s fine. I`m kind of glad you did. It`s just when I was a kid before the split that is exactly what was supposed to happen. He was going to train me up and then one day we were going to run like this empire of cars. We were going to be fixing them, buying classics and restoring them, selling them. It was a stupid dream, but…”

“It sounds wonderful, Dean,” he smiles hopefully.

“Fine,” I grunt. “I`ll talk to him about it. I did promise you I was sticking around for a while so I suppose I`d better think up a plan of what I want to do quickly.”

He beams and pulls me in for what was only meant to be a quick hug, but then his lips find mine once more and it takes us a little longer to move away. A good ten minutes longer.

“See you at the beach later tonight?”

“I wouldn`t miss it, Dean.”

…

“How was everyone`s day?” Kate asks as we all tuck into a dinner of different breads, cheese and meats. She had a very hectic day at work, so we had all reassured her that a cold mix of different foods was fine. She smiled gratefully at us as she sat down.

“I`m bored of the summer holidays. I want to go back to school to see all my friends already,” Adam whines through a mouthful of cracker and soft cheese.

“Well enjoy it while you can, kiddo,” John ruffles his hair playfully. “You won`t be saying that in a couple of weeks when you are back and working hard. You`ll be wishing it was the holidays again.”

“How was work?” I could call him John or I could call him dad. I take a deep breath. “Dad, how was work?”

The whole table looks surprised, but John beams at me and I can`t help myself from smiling back. “I was wondering, well erm…Since I am going to be staying here for the foreseeable future, I was thinking that maybe…”

“Go on,” he encourages, but doesn`t force.

“Maybe you could teach me some stuff at your garage some time. I have a big interest in cars and seeing as things didn`t go to well at that school maybe…”I sigh. This was just embarrassing.

John on the other hand looks thrilled, stunned, but thrilled. “Son, I would love to have you working alongside me one day. It could be just like the old days, eh?”

I nod, not trusting my voice not to shake. He really did want me here.

Kate smiles dotingly at her perfect little family and I feel my throat tighten. What if she didn`t like the idea of me hanging around for so long? Maybe when the new baby arrived she would want it to be just her real family? Sam was wrong. Then she turns her dazzling smile on me and nudges my foot gently under the table. “Sam was telling me something interesting earlier, Dean.”

“What?” I stare at Sammy, not sure if I should be glaring or grinning at the shaggy haired teen just yet.

“He says that you have a little friend? A little crush?”

Sam looks sheepish and fidgets uncomfortably in his chair. “That isn`t what I said mum,” he protests. “I said he has been acting really happy recently and spending a lot of time down on the beach.

I glare at him from cross the table. “You said what? I thought I made it perfectly clear that you weren`t to tell anyone anything?”

“It wasn`t like that-“

“How dare you!” I get to my feet, fists clenched. “You promised!”

“Dean!” Kate puts both hands on my shoulders. “I`m the one who asked Sam why you kept going down to the beach and if he knew why you seemed to be so happy lately,” she explains calmly. “It`s wonderful, you seem like a complete different person these past few weeks. John and I are thrilled to see you so settled. I`m sorry, I know I should have come to you first, but I feared you would push us away again.”

Sam stares over at me with wide eyes, guilty. “I`m sorry, but I didn`t want to lie to her. I didn`t think-“

“It`s fine, Sammy,” I snap more harshly than I would have liked and John gives me a warning glance.

I sit back down and so does she. “So what did he tell you?” I pick up my knife again and cut a slice of ham to put on top of my buttered bread roll, but don`t eat it.

“Nothing much just that you sometimes meet a friend down there.”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Is she nice?”

I roll my eyes, half considering correcting her. I was sick of lies and half-truths, but if John rejected me again I don`t think that I could bear it. “Yes.”

“Pretty?”

I laugh, imaging Cas`s face when I tell him about this later. “Very pretty.”

“Do you love him?”

“Adam! Shut up!” Shitshitshit. Abortabortabort. This is a code red situation. All hands to the duct tape and mute button now!

The young boy simply giggles and sticks his tongue out at me mockingly.

Thankfully, by now John has slipped away to wash up the dishes and didn`t hear.

“Him?” Kate asks softly.

I could lie, I should lie. I had lied to myself all these years, lied straight to my own mother`s face after she had walked in on me and a drunken, half-dressed Luke after The Incident. It would have been easier to lie, less scary, but maybe I just wanted to confide in someone and have them comfort me, tell me that it was ok and that I wasn`t broken. It was alright because they still loved me. Sam and Adam were great and all, but they were just kids. It didn`t really matter what they said because there wasn`t much that they could do about it.

“Him,” I whisper back in agreement, even lower than she had.

 


	25. Reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there guys :) Wow, what a quick update. I would like to thank everyone for supporting this story so far, for all your lovely comments and for following this so far. Thank you and I hope you have a wonderful week x

Kate was shocked, but to her credit she hid it rather well after the initial few seconds. Her eyes widen briefly. Actually her entire face seemed to widen with surprise. Her jaw dropped wide open, pink lips separating as she gawps at me like a dump goldfish. She swiftly gets a hold on her emotions though and promptly slams shut her mouth and tells Sam and Adam to go into the living room and watch cartoons. My stomach sinks as it fills with despair. My heart wasn`t jumping around inside my throat with dreaded anticipation, instead it lay dead in my chest as I try and swallow around the newfound lump in my throat.

This was it. She was definitely going to want rid of me now. What an idiot. Why did I have to be cursed with such an abnormally large pie hole that never knew when to can it? What if she told John? He was such a traditional sort of man (adultery and abandonment aside) with traditional values. What was he going to say? Shit. One moment of stupid honestly and everything I had been working my ass of at rebuilding these past months and BAM. Gone. Destroyed. Over. Well shit.

“Honey?”

John pokes his head around from where he was still washing the dishes. The kitchen had a weird layout with the heavy oak dining table sat up against the wall and the sink right under the window, hidden to us by the tall fridge freezer and cupboards. “What`s wrong?” he asks, frayed old dish rag still in hand as he dries off a large white plate with daises on.

I hold my breath, trying to mentally prepare myself for the uproar, despite knowing that no amount of preparation would be enough to deal with the inevitable fallout that was to come in five, four three two-

“Nothing is wrong. I was just talking to Dean and he said he needed to go to the shops to get some bits. Do you need anything?”

What the hell? I frown at the woman from behind eyes that were narrowed in confusion. Was she going to dump me in the middle of nowhere? I look at her smiling face. That hardly seemed likely. So what the hell was this about? Did she want privacy so she would really tear into me? Did she not want to cause a scene in front of the kids?

“Come on sweetie,” she pats me on the back as she walks by to get her handbag.

I get to my feet and follow her uncertainly out into her car that was parked on the road. The impala almost always got pride of place in the driveway because it was John`s pride and joy, unless Kate was crafty and got home a few minutes before him. I reluctantly get into the car, trying to figure out what it was exactly that she had planned. We drive a few miles down the road into the town centre, past the large Asda supermarket with its brightly lit sign proudly boasting about its new twenty four hour opening times and overflowing carpark. We drive for a few miles more until we reach a quiet little pub that was situated in the middle of a pleasant little village covered in flowers.

“I didn`t think you would want to talk in the house,” Kate explains when she sees how baffled I look. “I thought you might like to have a chat in the car and then go in here and get a drink. I won`t tell John,” she grins at me and reaches out and flattens down a tuft of my hair that had been dislodged by the wind that had come in through the open windows. Her face falls upon seeing my face. “We don`t have to I just thought…” she trails off with a sigh. “I didn`t think it was a good idea to brush over this. I thought you might like to talk to someone about it?”

I nod slowly, though I have no idea where to start.

“Why don`t I start then?” she offers after a couple of minutes of silence. She obviously twigged that I either was too tense to speak or didn`t know what to say. Both would be a fairly accurate description of how I felt.

“Darling, I am so touched that you felt you could confide in me.” She places a hand on my knee and squeezes gently. I struggle to remember the last time of own mother had done something so loving, so motherly, but come up short.

Unsure how to reply, I simply nod.

“Adam was out of line in what he said, and I don`t worry I will be having words with him later, but he didn`t mean it sweetie. He`s too young to understand what he meant and wasn`t aware of how big a thing it was that he just blurted out.”

Again I nod. I was seriously starting to feel like one of those nodding dogs you see in the backs of cars. Kate had three nodding animals in hers-a dalmatian, golden retriever and a lion with a fluffy mane from the zoo. I was furious with Adam, he had no right to say what he did. What happened to keeping it a secret? However pissed off I was, there was nothing I could do to take it back now and he was just a kid. He didn`t mean to and had no way of comprehending just how big a deal this was. The old Dean would have gone off on one and stormed out, gotten pissed and fell back in a few days later, still in a foul mood. The new Dean could react in whatever way he wanted.

“Dean?” She looks worried.

“I know. Adam is just a kid. He didn`t mean to.”

Silence again. We watch as another car pulls up into the pub`s small gravel carpark. A young couple with a new-born baby get out. The girl was still carrying some of her excess baby weight, but pushed the red stroller with a gleeful smile as her boyfriend locked up the car. They looked so happy. That would be Kate and John again in a while, pushing their new bundle of joy. Despite what anyone said I did still have my doubts about how long this arrangement could continue once Baby Winchester bounced into our lives. He or she would have two older brothers who would adore him. There hardly seemed any need for me to stick around.

“I hope you didn`t feel as though I would be mad at you, Dean,” Kate says in a tone that makes it obvious she already knew that yes, I did think exactly that. She sighs. “I`m so incredibly sorry. I had no idea.”

I try to shrug it off, but I am afraid I came across as a scared little boy who needed a hug rather than an almost grown man who couldn’t care less. “It`s fine,” I insist even though it wasn`t. So Kate had zero issues with me liking Cas, what about John?

“I love you Dean, as though you were my own son. Surely you must know that by now?” she asks, but receives no answer. I sit there, silenced by my shock. “I know this isn`t how you wanted things to be, I know you must have thought of me as the vicious step mum from Cinderella, but I adore you, Dean. You are such a good boy, so kind to Sam and Adam and I am so proud of you for giving this a chance. You can tell me anything and nothing will make me love you any less.”

I`m horrified to discover that there are tears in her eyes and possibly even my own. I blink them back rapidly to banish them. She giggles and wipes them away carefully with a hand that was so different to my mothers, not professionally manicured or well cared for at all. I let her. It was almost as though she was my real mom, not Mary. Then she wipes her own away.

“Look at me getting all weepy,” she laughs through the last of her tears. “Damn hormones. I swear, after this pregnancy your dad is going to be on the receiving end of a very unwilling, very painful vasectomy. Screw getting a doctor to do it.”

“It doesn`t bother you?”

She looks stunned for a moment. “That your friend is a boy instead of a girl? Why the hell would it?”

This was not the reaction I had been expecting. In my head I had imagined it going one of two ways: either she would scream at me and call John who would also scream at me, or I would be booted out. No explanations, no excuses. Not this happy, calm acceptance. This was a new one. After The Incident with Luke (how odd how quickly I had stopped thinking of him as Lucifer) Mary had been not angry exactly, but disappointed and told me in no uncertain terms she wanted to hear nothing about it. Kate with the exact opposite. Kind and accepting and curious, but not nosy. She let me know that if I wanted to talk about him then I was free too, but if not then that was also fine. Just as long as I was safe, being treated well and happy.

We leave the car about forty minutes after first pulling up and enter The Bridge Inn pub and restaurant. She orders a lemonade for herself, but not before staring wistfully at the wine menu sat taunting her on the top of the counter. She sighs longingly and orders a glass of lemonade and allows me to have one small beer telling me that I deserved a treat for being so open with her. She also gets a can of diet coke to share and some chips.

“Not long now,” she smiles patting her growing bump as a waitress swishes past with a tray of empty wine glasses. “I swear John had better bring me a bottle of wine as a gift after this baby is born.” When she had gone to her check-up the day before last she had been surprised to hear that she was in fact nearly six months along. John had apparently nearly fainted, much to Kate`s embarrassment. “I couldn`t believe it,” Kate had spent the afternoon telling her mother on the phone. I knew I was putting on a bit of weight, but I just put that down to eating too much, my age and never really working off all the Adam`s baby weight.”

We take out drinks and freshly cooked chips outside and sit at one of the picnic tables by the water’s edge. Although we hadn`t long eaten Kate said that the salty fries had been calling her name. Lies, considering her usual health freakiness, but I didn`t want to argue with a pregnant woman, especially not after she had been so lovely to me. We were among the only people outside and the quiet was relaxing. A few children were on the other side of the garden playing on an old see-saw, but they didn`t bother us.

We talk about all sorts of things, but nothing in particular. We throw the last few chips to the patiently waiting swans that had swam over sometime during our conversation about a barbeque. The weather was supposed to be nice on Saturday and she thought it would be a nice idea to invite a few people over and have a barbeque.

“Of course you friend is more than welcome if he likes,” she tells me happily. I can tell she is curious and eager to meet him, but I also know that she won`t push it.

“I`ll ask.” It wasn`t a lie. Truthfully, it had started out as one, but it would be nice if Cas came. Not that he would, if his previous odd behaviour was any indication. The offer would be there all the same. “His name is Castiel by the way.” It felt strange to refer to him by that name anymore, my mouth shaping the alien letters I had long ago dropped. It seemed wrong to call him his nickname though in front of her, too personal. Sam and Adam were different, we were friends and back then I had been trying to hide him from them, keep him to myself because I was scared.

“Weird name,” she comments, but not nastily.

“He is a weird guy.”

“You seem to like him an awful lot,” Kate observes, taking a small sip of her juice and quietly placing the glass down on the wooden table.

I chuckle uncomfortably, fiddling with the sleeve of my jacket to distract myself and draw attention away from my flushed face. “I guess,” I admit in a small voice. She smiles knowingly. “Not like that! Well, I mean maybe a little bit like that, but it isn`t serious. I don`t think.” But I want it to be. “Like we haven`t known each other than long so…” Even though it feels like years. “And I don`t know him that well and…” This was fucking pitiful. Way to go, Romeo. I groan and put my head in my hands.

Kate giggles and shakes her head before putting a hand on my shoulder. “I`m happy for you, darling. I`m sure this Castiel boy is wonderful.”

I nod sharply. “Yeah.”

 


	26. Candy hearts

The large supermarket was almost deserted by the time Kate and I finally tear ourselves away from the beautiful waterside pub`s garden. While we had only planned on staying a short while by the time we drove off we had drank our way through two cans of diet cola each, not to mention our original drinks of beer and lemonade. Which was probably why my bladder was the size of a football right now as we stroll down the brightly lit entertainment aisles in Asda. Before we left I would have to make a quick detour to the cafe toilets. Kate was behind me pushing a small trolley half filled with milk, fancy shampoos that smelled off summer berries and coconut and a small stack of burgers and sausages from the giant freezers. I grab hold of two DVDs I had been looking at as I struggle to decide what one to purchase. In the end I put them both back and pick up a Scooby Doo film to watch with Sam and Adam sometime. Maybe even Cas would like to watch it sometime. If he ever got over his crazy hang-up and came over to hang out properly. Kate sees this and when I have walked away puts both films in the trolley.

“Is there anything else you want for the barbecue on Saturday?” she asks just before we que up behind a middle aged man who looked as though he was half dead and would rather be anywhere but Asda supermarket at twelve in the morning. Personally, I loved shopping late at night, because it meant that you had the store practically to yourself. No screaming children or complaining old women who would shriek if you so much as nudged the back of their leg.

“I can`t think of anything,” I reply.

She hums to herself and skips off towards the fresh fruit aisle, leaving me to start loading up the conveyer belt with items. Burgers, sausages and chicken nuggets for Adam, check. Coal for the barbecue, green and leafy junk (salad) that Sam and Kate liked, her expensive fruity toiletries and a new notepad for Sam, check. The cartoon for Sam and Adam and some toiletries of my own, check. Kate comes back with her arms full of fresh punnets of strawberries, raspberries and cherries and gently places them down.

“And for your little friend,” she giggles and throws a couple of packets of those silly candy love hearts down too. I glare at her and she shrugs. “What? I thought it was cute. You can give them to him when you see him next.”

“It`s not freaking cute,” I warn her, but she takes no notice and laughs even harder at my face, which was probably nearly as red as those bloody strawberries by now.

The drive home was uneventful. It was late so there was hardly any traffic left on the roads, making for a pleasant journey. We grab the bags from the backseat and head in. Kate locks the door behind us, checking it twice and laughing when she sees me looking. “Silly I know, but I don`t feel safe unless I have checked it twice.”

There wasn`t a lot to unpack and Kate only bothers to put away the food and leaves the toiletries on the stairs to be taken up and put away in the bathroom cabinet tomorrow. Adam was long asleep and John had crashed out on the couch some time ago by the looks of his five o clock cheese puff shadow. The bag of snacks had fallen down onto the floor at some point, coating the carpet with a fine dusting of orange crumbs. Kate groans, “Well he can clean that up in the morning. I`m going to bed,” she tells me, leaning in to hug me goodnight.

“Kate?” I ask hesitantly, clinging to the sleeve of her soft cotton shirt gently to hold her there.

“Yes hun?” she pulls me closer, close enough to smell her perfume that was so similar to my own mom`s.

I take a deep breath to steady myself and realise that they actually weren`t that similar after all. Kate`s was more floral while Mary`s had too much vanilla, making it sickly sweet. Their hugs were worlds apart too. Mary`s were cold and rare, ending prematurely as she pushed you away in case you crumpled her clothes. You were left feeling unwanted and like you were hassling her unnecessarily. When Kate hugged you (which was often) they lasted for as long as you needed, then a few seconds longer, and were warm and comforting, leaving you feeling cared for.

“Dean?” her voice is gentle as she leads me out of the living room into the hallway, shutting the door on John behind her.

“What about John? What do we tell him about…Well, you know?” I ask in a mouse`s whisper, still gripping on to her, terrified he would wake up if I said the actual words.

Kate frowns. “What do you want to tell him? He is your father, but if you don`t feel ready to tell him anything yet then we don`t have to.”

“We?”

“Oh darling,” she breathes, clutching me closer to her body. “I am going to be beside you every step of the way. You aren`t alone in this, it isn`t something you have to face alone. Unless of course you don`t want me to be.”

I stare at her through wide eyes, horrified to find that the dampness trickling steadily down my cheek was in fact tears. Crying! Again. For God`s sake. What a wimp.

“Crying isn`t something you should be ashamed off,” Kate tells me sternly, once again proving that women can read minds. “And neither is the way you feel about your friend, Castiel. Do you hear me?”

I nod once, because yes I heard her. It didn`t mean that I was fully convinced though. “I don`t want to tell him yet.” I`m happy here, I feel the most at home I have felt in a long time and I wasn`t ready to lose all of that yet. Not yet. I was going to in a few short months when the baby was born. No matter what anyone said, Sam, Kate or anyone else, I wasn`t an idiot. I might feel at home here, but that didn`t mean it actually was home. Just because I wanted to try and fit in and be a part of their family, it didn`t mean I could. This was John`s new family, and maybe I could be a part of it, but maybe I couldn`t.

…

Even though I was exhausted, I still wait up in the darkness of my room until I can be sure Kate has fallen asleep. I jump out of bed, still dressed in the ripped jeans and Batman shirt from earlier and tiptoe outside as quietly as I can, grabbing my jacket as I pass. Part of me did feel guilty about sneaking off in the middle of the night, I knew Kate would panic if she woke up to find I was gone, but I had promised Cas. Besides, it wasn`t like I wasn`t planning on coming back. The garden gate swings shut behind me and I am tearing off down the road in the direction of the beach a mere two seconds later, bag slapping against the side of my right leg with each step. It was filled with coke and sweets we had bought from the shop. Kate`s blasted candy hearts were in there too, but I wasn`t going to give them to him. I trip across the sandy dunes, falling flat on my face more than once in the blackness.

I can`t stop myself from making comparisons between tonight and that dream I had once about Cas. The dream where I kissed him under the moonlight. We were on the beach in the darkness, like tonight, but there had been stars then and a thin crescent of a silvery moon. Now the sky was even blacker, with only a small scattering of stars and no moon in sight. The older boy calls out to me as soon as he sees me scramble down off the dunes and onto the powdery sand below. “You`re late,” he shouts, cupping his hands around his mouth as he runs to meet me halfway. It was too dark to see clearly but I swear he was still wearing his blue hoodie. Knowing that makes me smile even wider.

“I`m sorry,” I tell him, panting from running. “Kate knows.”

He looks up at me, bemused. “Knows what?” He tenses up.

“About us,” I explain. “Adam let slip over dinner and then we both went out to talk about it.”

“I see. What about your father?”

I shake my head. “He doesn`t know.”

He nods, but doesn`t try and convince me that he understands just how relieved I am and how disastrous it would be if John ever did find out, and for that I am grateful. That was one of the things I liked about Cas, he didn`t lie or ever claim to get things when he obviously didn`t.

“I can`t stay long. I`m knackered. I didn`t want to not show up and have you worry I`d dumped you or something though, so…”I trail off with an awkward chuckle.

He smiles. “I would have understood, Dean,” he promises, but I can see the sadness behind his eyes and know that he wouldn`t have. The image of Cas sitting alone on the beach in the darkness all night, alone and wondering why I wasn`t here physically hurt. It sucked to feel forgotten, and I`ll be damned if I made the older boy feel like that.

“Well I wouldn`t have,” I tell him as I sit down next to him on the cool sand. I open my messenger bag and hand him a chocolate bar, almost pulling out the candy hearts with it accidentally. The tide was still coming in, the freezing cold waves splashing around and spilling over the rocks were we first met, and eating away at the golden sand little by little. We sit and watch the water for a while, my head resting on his shoulder. He lets me doze in and out for an hour, before I reluctantly pull away. “I should go, but before I do can you make me a promise?”

He frowns and although I can`t see it in this light, I can clearly picture the way his eyebrows knit together and his blue eyes tighten and his chapped lips curve downwards. “I`m not very good with promises,” he admits quietly.

I get to my feet, dragging him with me with little resistance. “Well too bad, because you owe me this one. Kate is planning a barbecue this Saturday and you are coming.”

“Dean that isn`t a good idea. I-“

“You are coming and that is the end of it.”

He stares down at the sand, purposefully not looking me in the eye.

“Please? I don`t wanna beg, but I`ll beg.”

A deep sigh falls from his lips and he finally turns to face me once more. “Only for a few hours.”

“Excellent,” I beam, pulling him in for a deep kiss that neither one of us were expecting or wanted to escape. His hands grab desperately at the back of my head, mine run up at down his back, trying to ease the tension I find there, before tangling in his dark hair.

“Can I see you again tomorrow?” I didn`t mean to sound so eager, so much like a bloody golden retriever, but I couldn`t hold back my glee.

He is breathing heavily so it takes him a while to reply. “Of course,” he breathes against my lips before pulling me in again.


	27. Message

The next evening and Kate was getting psyched up to go to work at the hospital for the start of her shift. Her hair was secured back neatly in a low ponytail and her blue uniform was worn with a determined pride. She was supposed to be in last night too, but one of the other night nurses had volunteered to switch shifts with her. Her Monday seven till five for Kate`s Wednesday night. Family problems or something like that. Seems to be a universal thing.

“Boys come say goodbye to your mother before she goes to work,” John calls into the back garden where Sam and Adam were kicking a half deflated football around gleefully. I had come in about fifteen minutes ago, wanting to check my emails for the first time since I had arrived. As predicted my inbox was mostly empty apart from spam and surprisingly two other messages. One from my mom and the other, even more shockingly, Luke. (Although he did still sign his email with his old nickname) it still was out of the blue.

A whirlwind of shaggy brown hair and dirt darts in through the open back door and tears across the living room, followed by a smaller, blonder whirlwind plastered in even more dirt. Kate sighs at the state of the both of them, but still pulls them in for a hug, dusting herself off afterwards. I look up from my laptop, uncertain as to whether or not I could cash in on one of those goodbye hugs too. I initially decide against it, but when she sees me looking wistfully, Kate strides over, her ugly black nurse’s shoes clunking against the soft carpet, and she pulls me up against her tightly.

“Goodnight sweetheart. You take good care of Sam and Adam, because John will just totally useless, and fall asleep in front of the couch in about half an hour and be dead to the world for the rest of the evening,” she teases while adjusting the collar of her shirt, giggling lightly to herself.

John chuckles sarcastically along with her, but doesn`t seriously try to defend himself. “I think Bobby is coming over at the back of seven actually so ha ha ha.”

“So you will both be falling asleep in about half hour,” Kate amends her statement with a grin.

John rolls his eyes. “Probably darling.”

The three of us look up smiling. Bobby, or Uncle Bobby as Sam and Adam had lovingly named him many years ago, was always welcome here.

“I think Ellen is dropping him off after she has picked Jo up from her friends.” Ellen was Bobby`s neighbour who ran a small pub near the seafront. She was also Jo`s mother. I had only met a briefly whenever she dropped Bobby off before, but she seemed like a pretty cool person.

“Can Jo come over too?” Sam asks eagerly like the oversized puppy that he was.

John chuckles and looks over at Kate. “I don`t think anything I have to say would be able to stop her from coming anyway,” Kate says with a fond shake of the head. “Unstoppable force of nature that girl is. And I am certain you have already, but remember to tell the girls about the barbecue on Saturday.” Her smile instantly vanishes when she glances at the clock on the wall. “I`d better be off then everyone. Love you lots!”

Sam and Adam follow her outside and resume their game, but I sit staring open mouthed at the glaring screen of my laptop. I bypass mom`s message entirely (it was dated weeks ago after I had left her that one voicemail. I`d heard nothing since so it couldn’t be all that important) and reopen the email from my old friend, curious and about what he might have to say.

 

_Hey Dean,_

_How`s life in jolly old England? I`ll bet it sucks to be away from your dear old friend, am I right? Thought you might want to know that Lisa is knocked up, for real this time. We are all placing bets on who`s brat it is, but she`s staying quiet for once. And Crowley isn`t flavour of the month with Abaddon anymore. Not since their very public break up way back at the beginning of the month. She went behind his back and stole something of his, he cheated on her with some random girl and then she totalled his car. Smashed the windows in, keyed some snarky message into the sides and slashed the tyres. The whole nine yards. And that just got me thinking about you and you obsession with cars and what sort of torture you would inflict on the bitch._

_A lot can happen in a couple of months, can`t it? It`s September now and you left when? June? July? It`s been so long I honestly can`t remember. I actually kind of miss you, man. Partners in crime and all that. Things have been real quiet without you here. I know it doesn`t sound like it, but they have._

_I know I was never the best friend, or if I`m honest even a good one. I know we never said a proper goodbye, we just got wasted down the park and chased girls around. I`m actually really surprised you haven`t been in touch. I`m hurt, Dean. You promised me. I hate liars, Dean. You should know that I can`t stand them. Have you forgotten about your loyal old pal? You gone off and replaced me with somebody better?_

_How`s dear old daddy? I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when your first laid eyes on that bastard again. Did you hit him? Are you happy there? Got yourself a little girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? You always thought you were so smart, Dean, but I knew. It was hard not to. And that`s fine, I`m not a monster. Doesn`t bother me at all. In fact, the only person it seemed to bother was you. You playing happy families? Genuine question there. You deserve a bit of happiness. When are you coming back? You are still coming back right? We all miss you. Things are no fun without you here. Our little troublemaker._

_I think your mum has some new boyfriend by the way. I went round there the other day to pick up some of my things I had left there before you were shipped off. She sure didn`t look happy to see me, I can tell you that for now. Pissed doesn`t even begin to cover it. Why is it again she didn`t like me? Did she worry I was a bad influence on her precious baby boy? Because that ship has long sailed. She sent you off to try and get you to turn a new leaf, right? Like that was ever going to happen, am I right? Or was she just sick of you?_

_That was uncalled for, and I guess I`m sorry. I`m not good at this kind of shit. I guess what I am trying to say is I miss you and want you to come back home. Crowley is such a bore these days and I swear he is high on fuck knows what half the time. He`s been going all soft over things too. Think the problems with his ex-tart are getting to him. Things are so boring without you here. I actually got a summer job now. Working in the tattoo place downtown. I haven`t beat anyone up in over two weeks. And seeing as you haven’t been sent back in disgrace yet I can only assume things are going well for you with Daddy. Next thing you know we`ll both be turning into model citizens. I`m happy for you I suppose. You deserve it._

_Come back one day,_

_Lucifer._

I didn`t even know how to begin to reply to that message. I stare blankly at the screen until the screensaver kicks in. When Bobby, Jo and Ellen appear half hour later I tilt the screen towards me to protect it, but the reply box is still blank. Luke sure seemed to have mellowed out a lot in the time we had spent apart. I had been so busy here trying to figuring out all my conflicting emotions that I hadn`t had time to think about whether or not I missed my old best friend.

He was an asshole, but he had been there to listen that night of The Incident to me whining about how shit everything was and how things weren`t supposed to turn out this way. Maybe if I could turn things around then he might be able to one day too. That would be good. Sure he was a class A asshole, but he had been through some serious shit too. His parents were useless druggies and he and his brother were often left to fend for themselves. It had been that way ever since he was six. Maybe if someone had just taken the time to be there for him, then he wouldn’t have turned out the way he had.

If I ever did decided to go back to America, I promised myself that I would try and help the guy. We were lousy friends towards each other. Violent and rude and just plain mean. That isn`t what friendship was about. Sam, Adam, Cas and the girls had shown me that.

I begin typing my reply to Luke. I had no idea this was going to go. It would either work brilliantly or end in flames. Either way this was something I had to do. I wasn`t afraid of him anymore, but there was the small possibility that he was still frightened and just wanted somebody to see that. Somebody had given me the benefit of the doubt, Cas had seen through my snarky exterior walls and beaten them down. I`ve grown so much in the time spent here, fixed a lot of past mistakes. Here was another one.

_Luke,_

_I`m sorry I haven`t been in touch. I was a lousy friend to you, but I didn`t know any different at the time. I`m sorry. I was in a bad place and I took it out on everyone around me. I still do that to an extent, but I promise that I am working on it. You can be a right little shit too, but I think you already know that._

_England is nothing like I imagined it would be. I really think I could be happy here. Most of the time anyway, but Kate has a new baby on the way and I don`t think I`ll be able to stick around to be a part of that. So I might be home sooner than you think. I don`t drink anymore, or party or sleep around. I`m very boring now, you would probably hate me, but the thing is, I hate the old me. I don`t ever want to become him again. So if that is what you are after, please do not contact me again. Lose my number and move on. But if you want to give this friendship thing another try, great._

_Dean._

 

I close the laptop gently, feeling like a weight has been lifted. I regretted so many of my choices, but it was wonderful to try and fix them. I didn`t feel like such of a failure anymore.

Bobby wheels himself in, ignoring Ellen`s protests, followed by the rest of them. Sam and Adam hover round their uncle excitedly, while Jo rushes up and hugs me. Her long hair tickles my face as she kisses me on the cheek. “How are you, Dean? Feels like it has been ages since I have seen you last.”

She had not long returned from a week long holiday with her new girlfriend`s family in Scotland. Ellen and Carlie`s family had accepted the new relationship with open arms, something I admit I was envious of. Just because Kate was cool about it didn`t mean John and Mary would be. While Bobby and Ellen are listening to Sam and Adam tell them all about their football match, she relays almost every last minute of their amazing week away. Apparently the hotel they had been staying at had an indoor pool and was right in the heart of Glasgow city centre. The girls had walked to one of the shopping malls and gotten matching necklaces on the last day, which she pulls out from under her tight fitting shirt to show me.

“And we drove all the way up to Loch Ness which was terrifying because you drove by all these huge mountains and it was all so beautiful. We stayed at the bed and breakfast right on the loch and we went on a boat trip the next day, but we didn`t actually see Nessie.”

I nod along, pretending that I know what she is talking about, making a mental note to look it up later.

“Well, Charlie swears that she saw something that night out the window, but I think it was just the dark playing tricks on her. And her mum mistook some tree branch bobbing along the water for the monster, but it was so clearly just a long stick.”

She finally shuts up and sits down on the arm of my chair, nodding over at my closed laptop. “What you been doing?” Oh great, Gabby the Giant Gob has spoken again. She was awesome, really sweet and fun, but Sam was right when he said she could talk for years.

“I was just checking my emails,” I answer honestly.

“Any from your lover boy?” Seeing my angry glare she adds on, “What?! It isn`t that hard to tell, you always have this loved up look in your eyes like your mind is always elsewhere, and no straight boy is allowed to have such a pretty face. Plus the way you reacted when we were all playing truth or dare on the beach kinda gave us all the confirmation we needed.” She pauses to take a breath. “Castiel wasn`t it? That`s his name, right?”

I groan. “Yeah, Castiel is kind of my…boyfriend now.” It felt so strange to actually admit the words out loud, but good too. “Sam, Adam and Kate already know, but John doesn`t and I want it to stay that way. Tell Charlie and Jess if you want, seeing as they kind of already know, but nobody else. Please?”

She puts a hand on my leg and squeezes. “Darling, I`m not going to spill the beans, but you are right about Charlie and Jo. It was pretty damn obvious at the campout that you had the hots for this mysterious friend of yours, it was only a matter of time.” She gets up to go to the bathroom. “But I want you to know that we are your friends too, Dean, and we will all support you all the way. Sam will tell you that me, Charlie and Jess are damn loyal friends.”

She skips away and I go to join Sam and Adam with Bobby, John and Ellen.

“Hey guys.”

Ellen smiles at me and Bobby does too, but Adam runs up and wraps his skinny little arms tightly around my legs. Without thinking about it I pick up the small child and spin him around before hugging him tightly to my chest. John looks surprised, but doesn`t mention it.

“Good to see you again, Bobby.” I hadn`t spoken to him much, but he was a nice guy. Such a tragedy that one accident and he ended up confined to his wheeled prison for life. It always seemed to happen to the best. The good guys were always shit on.

“Your daddy tells me you`re interested in working for him, you sure you can handle dealing with his ugly mug all day?”

I pretend to consider, which makes the older man laugh. “I like you boy. You seem like a real good kid.”

I smile shyly. “Thanks Bobby.”

“So what time should we come on Saturday?” Ellen asks.

“Kate said any time after eleven would be great. She also said not to bring any food,” John says directly looking at Ellen.

“Oh did she now? Well screw that. Can`t have the boys` poor mama doing all the hard work can we?” She says while ruffling Adam`s hair. “We`d better be off now, but we will be here bright and early Saturday. See you boys!”

We all wave them off. John closes the door when the car has vanished off down the street and carries Adam in and up to bed before retiring himself for the night. Sam and I stay up chatting in his room until two, the conversation eventually drifting to Cas just like I feared it would.

“Is he coming on Saturday?”

“He said he would, but I don`t know. He`s kind of a strange guy. Not exactly shy, but awkward. He probably won’t show.”

Sam smiles. “Don`t be too sure, Dean. From the sounds of it, he really likes you. I`m sure he`ll be there.”

I really hope so.

 

 

 


	28. Party

Saturday morning and the sun was making what was likely to be one of its last appearances of the summer, its hot rays beating down on the back of my neck as I help John wipe down the barbecue before use. Straightening my back I stand up and wipe my brow, throwing the old rag I had been using down. Sam and Adam were helping Kate bake some sweet treats in the kitchen before the guests arrived. She mentioned something about leaving whatever leftover ingredients there were out on the top, so that we could all do some baking with our friends when hanging out with the adults become too boring. I hand to hand it to her, that idea was pure genius. What person in their sane mind would rather listen to a bunch of drunk adults blabbering on about their boring jobs instead of eating cookie batter straight from a plastic mixing bowl?

“I think we are about done here,” John announces with a tired smile, rubbing his dirty hands on the knees of his worn out jeans in a useless attempt to get the dirt off of them. “I`m gonna go wash my hands and water the plants before everyone starts arriving.”

“Sure thing. I`m gonna do the same.”

He nods before wandering off with a spring in his step back inside the house. He comes back out minutes later, followed by a curious Adam was darting about behind him eagerly as he waited for the garden hose to be turned on. He prances about merrily, getting in the way as he dives in and out of the cool stream of water. John tries to direct the hose over at Kate`s rainbow flowerbeds, but Adam still manages to get in the way. Instead of yelling, John simply laughs and I am reminded with a deep twinge in my gut of doing the exact same thing when I was his age. Five minutes later, and a very wet Adam with his Scooby Doo shirt clinging to him, and a very exhausted John are making their way back into the house. Adam is giggling at the squelching sound of their footsteps and even from outside I can John wrestling with the small child to try and dry him off with a towel before Kate can find out.

People start arriving at the back of twelve o clock. First through the garden gate was Ellen, pushing Bobby despite his increasingly irritable (and profanity based) protests. Jo was arriving later with Charlie`s family, because she had been sleeping over there the night before. “It was wonderful to have some peace and quiet for once,” Ellen tells Kate, who had left the kitchen to welcome the first of the guests. A few of Kate`s work friends show up next and quickly take her up on the offer of a glass of wine. She spends a few minutes chatting about one of their most annoying patients, before running off to switch off the oven where a large tray of cupcakes had been baking.

I glance at the time on my phone, which tells me that it is now nearly one, and frown. Where the hell was Cas? I bet he wasn`t going to show up. Then I felt stupid because Sam`s friends hadn`t even shown up yet and he wasn`t getting all panicky. I curse myself for being such a pathetic, lovesick fool and shove the offending phone back in the front pocket of my jeans. I had actually made an effort today. And by that I mean that my jeans were new ones I had purchased from the town centre recently with Sam, who had wanted to check out the bookshop, and there were no rips or tears in sight. I was also wearing an old band shirt, but some things never change.

Jess was the first of the girls to show. Her parents drive up in the massive car used for towing their caravan and park a few houses down as to leave enough room for other people. Sam tears across the length of the garden the second he hears the gate open, and envelops her in the biggest hug I had ever seen him give. Her mum and Kate smile on proudly, while her father and John exchange concerned looks.

Their little babies were growing up, and like most fathers, I suppose they weren`t quite sure how to deal with it. I don`t know, it wasn`t like I was talking from personal experience, but I think men would probably have a harder time than the mothers who were just so eager for their babies to be happy, while the fathers wanted to protect them for as long as possible. Or maybe I was completely wrong. I had no idea. I just know that if I ever got my act together, got married and had a kid, he or she sure as hell wouldn`t be dating until I was dead. Better make that five years after I was dead, just to make damn sure, you know?

Jo and Charlie arrive on the back of Jess and her parents, walking hand in hand while everyone but John looks on happily. I gulp. Kate elbows him harshly in the rib and snaps at him to smile, before darting over to greet the newest arrivals with a warm hug.

“So good to see you again! It feels like ages since we have had a nice get-together like this.”

There is a quiet mummer of agreement from all the adults apart from Bobby (he was too busy chattering away to Sam and Adam) and Kate passes out drinks for everyone. John was stood over by the barbecue and asking everyone what they wanted first.

“You sure did pick a good day for it,” Ellen chimed in between all of the talk about burgers and sausages, and they all agree.

It was a wonderful day for it, probably one of the nicest we had had, but I couldn`t fully enjoy it. Not when every few minutes I was trying to subtly glance over at the gate, getting more and more anxious and wound up as each minute passed without Cas putting in an appearance. Why wasn`t he here? He promised me, _promised_. I knew I was in no place to judge, heck as soon as I made a promise nine times out of ten I was already planning on breaking it, but I had thought he was different. True, he had admitted he was no good at promises, but still. He should be here.

Jess finally wriggles apart from Sam`s death grip and makes her way over to the corner of the garden where I was sat, watching the road outside, alone.

“Hey, Dean,” she smiles warmly at me and politely asks if she could sit with me. It was a nice gesture, and I appreciated it greatly. Even though I would much rather be left alone to wallow over Castiel`s no show, I wasn`t about to say no to that face. She and Sam both had the puppy dog eyes down pat, and I briefly wonder who taught who. She has her hands full with a white paper plate stacked high with food straight off the barbecue. She stares down at her flat stomach and shared that this was her second helping before offering me some.

“Why aren`t you sitting with Sam?” I ask, taking a bite of a cheeseburger she had given me. Delicious. I wipe at the juices running down my chin with my hand, ignoring the napkin on the plate.

“We don`t have to be constantly joined at the hip you know. We are able to spend time with other people. Besides, I wanted to come and say hi. You looked a little lonely,” she explains while fiddling with a loose strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail. “I didn`t know whether you would want to be left on your own or have some company, so I figured why not come and ask?”

“I`m not lonely. I thought someone was coming today and it looks like they let me down,” I admit.

She frowns. “Cas might still show up. He could be running late or caught up somewhere or maybe he-“

“Just doesn`t want to be here,” I finish for her in a bitter, angry tone of voice, getting to my feet in one swift movement.

Jess copies me. “I`m sure that isn`t true. There will be a perfectly good explanation.”

“Yeah. Not wanting to be here is a pretty damn good reason.” I groan. “Look, I`m sorry. I just…things are pretty complicated right now.” Things have been complicated since I was twelve, why should that change now, even if I did have someone like Cas in my life? Honestly, I hated to admit it, but my feelings for the dark haired boy were only complicating things further. “I didn`t mean to snap, really.”

She accepts my apologies with an easy smile, telling me not to worry about it and I feel even worse. Some people could just forgive so easily. I wasn`t one of them. I never would be one of them. Sometimes I wish I was. She wanders of a few minutes later to do some baking with Sam and the other girls. I think about it for a while, glance back over at the gate which hadn`t been touched for over an hour, and take a few steps forward towards the house. Adam runs over to the gate a minute later, and I turn around with a grin on my face, only to see that it was only a dog passing by that had gotten the young boy so excited.

“Dean, are you coming or not?” Charlie calls from the doorway into the house.

I follow them.

By the time I have washed my hands (a must before baking according to Kate) the three girls are arguing over the aprons while Sam just stands there like a lost and confused looking referee in one of those football matches John and Bobby liked so much. They finally choose and we open the cookbook and stare at the contents to help us decide what to attempt. We decide on making a plain sponge cake with white and milk chocolate chips through it.

“This doesn`t look a lot like it does in the book,” Charlie frowns as she stirs the lumpy mix, using the book for reference. “It should be all light and fluffy, not stiff and gooey.”

“I`m sure it will at least taste good,” Jo chimes in, before pulling a concerned look over her girlfriend`s shoulder at me, Sam and Jess. “Oh, but I can see what you mean.”

“Ok, so time to add the chocolate chips,” Sam butts in and saves the day by tipping in the measured amount of white and then milk chunks into the batter. The recipe was only for a plain sponge, so we were improvising with the amount of chocolate. I had felt that the entire bag of each would be enough, but seeing as we had two bags of each, Jess felt that we should be on the safe side and add a few more. Half a bag of each later and here we were, pouring nearly four bags worth of chocolate into the bowl. We all pick at the leftovers as we work.

“Dean, honey?” Kate calls, but I don`t hear her at first and keep mixing the batter, trying to make sure the chips were spread evenly. “Just you go through into the kitchen, sweetie. The first door on the left.”

“Hello?” I drop the wooden spoon, causing batter to flick me in the face, leaving me feeling like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon. I suddenly worry about the flour staining my shirt and dusting my hair. Dam you Sam. Sam and the girls are smiling, if a little surprised at my reaction. I turn around slowly to face him.

“Hello, Dean. I apologise for being so late.”

I nod along, though I hardly hear the words. He was here, he actually came. “Cas,” I say, the words catching in the back of my suddenly bone dry throat. He came. He was here.

“So this is the famed Cas?” Sam teases, mocking grin on his face.

“Shut up!” I hiss at him and stare, willing him to leave. He seems to get the message and does leave, dragging the disappointed girls with him, but not before making a sly comment about not making out in the kitchen where he eats.

“Your family seem nice.”

I nod again.

“Kate is certainly very motherly and has a kind face. She was so happy when I arrived, she couldn`t steer me into the kitchen fast enough,” he chuckles.

“And John?” I tense up.

His lips curl downwards slightly, not quite frowning, but not far off. “The man tending to the barbecue? He asked who I was. Don`t worry, I told him I was a friend.”

“Thanks, Cas. I`m sorry I just can`t tell him. Not yet, maybe not ever.”

He nods in understanding. It is then that I wonder what his family are like about him liking guys. Did they know? If so did they accept it? How did they react when they found out?

Almost as though he could read my mind he leans casually against the worktop and tells me that yes, they did know. “Some took it better than others,” he announces calmly, but his eyes do narrow. “My father left a long time ago and I mostly raised myself, so I`m not sure how he would have taken the news. He was very old fashioned from what I have been told, so he probably wouldn`t have been pleased. My brothers Gabriel and Balthazar were great about it, but they are such party animals that they really had no room to judge. My sisters were a little less supportive, but I never saw them all that much anyway so I tried not to let it bother me.”

I don`t know what to say, so stay quiet.

“You`re lucky to have Kate and your friends on your side. I`m sure your father will be fine with it, he will probably just need some time to adjust.” Yeah, adjusting from having a normal son who liked girls instead of a son who liked both was tricky.

“Yeah, I don`t think so. Anyway do you want to help me finish the cake?”

We spoon the gloopy mix into an already prepared round baking tin and spread it around evenly before placing it into the warmed oven. I set the timer on my phone to remind us to come and check on it and we go out to join everyone else. By now Kate had her old CD player out and was blasting some crappy nineties boyband pop that she seemed to like and her work friends and the other mums were dancing around with their half drained glasses in hand, the liquid sloshing around and spilling onto the grass. The girls were sat at the table eating their food and beckon us both over. I shake my head and lead Cas to the barbecue, almost grabbing his hand in mine, but then I swiftly remember where we were and pretend to scratch my leg.

“Hello boys,” John smiles and instructs us to grab two paper plates and dishes us up a plateful of burgers and sausages and tells us the drinks and other snacks like crisps and salad were over on the table. “I hope your friend is having a good time, but I had thought you might have invited your girlfriend.”

My eyes widen and my jaw drops to the floor.

He chuckles as he piles one last sausage onto my plate. I heard the other night. Who is she then? It isn`t Jo is it? Pretty girl, but a bit of an attitude on her.”

I have to force back my vomit. “No. Jo is with Charlie,” I blurt it out without thinking, and feel terrible for it, but it wasn`t exactly like the two were trying to hide it.

He pulls a face halfway between surprise and horror. “Right,” he said in a voice that clearly said he didn`t get it at all. “And Sam is with Jess.” I can tell how incredibly thankful he is that his son is normal.

I nod, suddenly mute.

“So what about you?”

“I don`t have a girlfriend,” I admit, panicking. I just knew that he was going to find out and he was going to hate me and it would ruin everything.

Thankfully, Cas steps in. “Do you mean my sister, Anna?”

John turns to look at me, eyebrow raised.

“Yes, Anna, but she isn`t my girlfriend.”

“Alrighty then.” He doesn`t sound convinced, but lets it drop and we make our escape to the far corner of the garden near the old swing set. We eat in an awkward silence, and I worry that John has just ruined things by scaring him off, but then Cas subtly squeezes my leg and everything is fine again. Better than fine, it was a beautiful day, I was sat with him eating burgers and there was a cake baking away in the oven. Nothing was going to ruin this, I wouldn`t allow it.

“So Anna, eh?” I whisper. “Is she as hot as you?” It slips out before I can stop it, and I immediately freeze, as does Cas.

“I err…Anna is my sister so I wouldn`t know,” he chokes out.

“I`m just messing with you. You`re adorable when you blush.”

His face reddens even more, and I stop it because I had no desire to see him choking on his dinner.

The timer goes off not long after and we go and get the cake out of the oven and set it out to cool. Cas was leaning against the counter again, a dopey smile on his handsome face and I can`t help but grin back and pull him in for a brief kiss. It couldn`t hurt, nobody was around. The party was still going on outside, you could hear the crappy music from inside and I cringe at the cheesy lyrics. I mean seriously, why did all love songs have to keep using the word “baby” every other line.

“I had a good time today. I`m glad I came.”

“I`m glad you came too.” I have to bite back an impropriate joke that I had a sneaky suspicion he wouldn`t get anyway.

We cut up two generous slices and cover the rest of the cake over. Despite its worrying start, Jo was right. It did taste divine. My phone goes off and I open the message, which was from Sam, checking that me and Cas were being appropriate and keeping it pg-13. I roll my eyes and ignore it.

“Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?” he hums through a mouthful of cake.

“Can I have your number?”

He gulps down the last bite of cake. “Oh, I don`t have a phone at the moment. I dropped it in the bath and it is off getting repaired.”

“Oh, ok.” I wasn`t entirely sure if I believed him or not, but I wanted to. Besides, what reason could he possibly have for lying to me? I didn`t want to think about it. The guy was obviously just clumsy. As for the part about him being in the bath, I quickly bypass that, but make a mental note to revisit it later, preferably when I was alone.

“Well,” I begin, twirling my phone around on the worktop. “Can I at least have a picture?” Shoot me, please. I was turning into such a teenage girl.

He blinks, considering it, then smiles. “Sure, but only if you are in it too.”

“Fair enough. I`ll get Sam to take the photo. He won`t mind.” We race out of the kitchen and back into the garden, but not before unwrapping the cake and grabbing a few slices for Sam and the girls as payment.

“You want a photo-op?” he shakes his head. “Dean, you are my brother and I love you, but you can be such a girl,” he teases and I lightly smack him. “Fine,” he agrees and follows us over to the swing.

The girls come too, Jo settling down on the old swing with Charlie standing behind pushing her while Jess stands nearby watching. Sam quickly snaps a picture, ignoring Jo`s squeals of protest. Jess pulls her off and pushes Cas onto the seat and forces me behind him.

“What?” she asks upon seeing our confused faces. “It will be such a cute picture.”

Shrugging, I begin pushing the older boy, who laughs louder the higher he goes, even going as far as to let go of the chains, trusting me completely. Sam keeps taking pictures until we stop, Cas` feet kicking up dirt as he stomps them down to stop himself. He leans back with a cheeky grin on his face, high on happiness and how I wished that I could lean down and capture his lips and kiss the smirk right off of them. He seems to know this and pouts. I steal a glance over at John, but can`t see him. I figure that he must be inside and bite the bullet.

His lips still tasted of cola from his drink, which actually wasn’t as disgusting as it sounded, and it could have been worse. I mean, we had just eaten burgers. They were chapped and rough and he kisses back, nearly falling all the way backwards and out of the chair in shock. Sam taps me on the shoulder and I reluctantly pull away. Cas gets up, a dazed but content expression on his face.

“Here.” Sam hands back my phone and we all flick through the images together. We both blush when we see that the sneaky bastard had taken one of us kissing, but it was an adorable picture, so I let it pass.

Cas hands out the cake we had brought from the kitchen and we all tuck in, taking turns snapping pictures of each other stuffing our faces with it. Jess takes one of Charlie shoving a fistful into Jo`s surprised face, and Jo gets one of Cas and me feeding each other a bite at the same time, which makes everyone coo at the cuteness.

Jess was the first to leave, which was predictable as out of all of them (apart from Kate of course) her parents were the ones that worried most. Charlie disappears next and so do Kate`s work friends and then Ellen and Jo. Soon it was just Bobby (John was dropping him off) and Cas left.

“I don`t want you to go,” I whisper in his ear. We were curled up next to each other with a blanket from the sitting room draped over us, still by the swing set.

“I don`t want to leave you either.” He looks sad. “But I suppose I have to.”

I frown. He sounded so serious. Although I didn`t look forward to him leaving, it was only for the night. No doubt I would see him again tomorrow. There had only been one or two days I hadn`t seen him since I first arrived.

“Goodnight, Dean.” He looks around the darkness of the garden, and pulls me in closer for a tight hug.

“Night.”

I want to say it, the big bad word that keeps getting caught in my throat, but I don`t. I daren`t. but the look on his face seems to say that he knows, and I flush.

“Goodnight,” he repeats.

“Yeah. Bye.”

 

 


	29. Love

It was late when I finally manage to pull myself away from the conversation going on outside with Sam, and by that time I was knackered. Everyone had been busy since around nine helping set up for the gathering, and by now my body was sore, tired and crying out for sleep or rest of any kind. Heck, right now a bed of rusty nails and a mattress of broken glass and wasp nests was beginning to sound strangely comfortable. While it wasn`t particularly late when Cas had left, Bobby had stayed on chatting and drinking with John (who grumbled about only being able to join in as he was playing designated driver) and Kate was still singing along to her crappy music even now with Adam curled up asleep on her shoulder. Feeling bad about leaving Sam, who was still wide awake and eagerly chatting to me about how great the day had been, I make my excuses and trudge sleepily back into the house, up the stairs and along the cream hallway into my bedroom.

Not much had changed in the room since I had moved in all of those weeks ago. The walls were still that babyish shade of light blue, the bookcase in the corner still looked ever so slightly unstable, and the matching chest of draws half filled with my clothes was bare on top. No homey touches, no little mementos, no photo frames. I briefly think about how nice it would be to have the pictures from today blown up and framed so that they could sit on top of the old chest of draws or bedside table. The few changes were minor and hardly noticeable. The flowery bedding and curtains had been changed to plain red ones that I always ended up forgetting to open, and the Batman covers Cas had found so endearing. The handful of books I had packed with me stood untouched, their covers gathering dust and the only items on the floor were my messenger bag, empty can of juice I really meant to put in the bin, and the jeans I had just stepped out of and tossed away.

I climb under the covers, letting them slide down my legs, because really it was just too warm to actually need them over you, and close my eyes. As tired as I was, I expected to fall asleep almost instantly, but apparently my brain thought that now was a good time to come alive again. It replays to me the best parts of the day; Cas finally arriving and smiling that adorable little smile at me, making that cake with everyone (and of course, stuffing our faces full) and that time spent half hidden to everyone else by the swings, and the unplanned photo op with Sam behind the camera. The best moment had to be that kiss though. Cas leaning back dangerously low on the swing, pouting at me as though daring me to do it. I took him up on the challenge and it was magical. Seriously, anytime my brain wants to shut up and stop making me sound like a fucking Disney Princess would be great. Like right now for instance.

I wake up a full nine hours later, feeling groggy and confused. I blink in the bright light of late morning, trying to adjust to the change from the comforting blackness of my closed eyelids. Sitting up slowly, I ruffle my hair and stretch out my arms, then swing my legs over the side of the bed to climb out. Remembering to open the red curtains today I glance out at the garden, smiling when I see the expected mess. Paper plates had blown everywhere, plastic forks and knives scattered across the neatly kept lawn and wrappers from chocolate bars and crisps that should have gone in the bin were just dumped on the table, held down by half empty glasses. The sky was a depressing grey, unlike yesterday’s brilliant blue, and my smile fades.

I exit the room and knock once on the bathroom door to check it is empty, and wash slowly, taking my time to get all of the days grime off. I dry and dress myself hurriedly, feeling the cool air come in through the open window and make my ways downstairs. Sounds like Kate and John were already up and making pancakes for breakfast.

“Morning sweetie. Take a seat,” she beams and turns back to the batter in the pan. “You want anything special on your pancakes? Sam is having blueberry to be awkward,” she jokes, swatting her eldest with a kitchen towel. “Adam and John want chocolate and I`m just sticking with plain.”

I smile at her and ask for chocolate, which she says will be done in a minute. Sam was already tucking into his, because he was the first in the kitchen, and Adam was staring enviously at his half empty plate.

“Not long now till the schools reopen is it?” John asks, looking up from the morning paper, a boring habit of his was reading it every morning, and if we were unlucky, telling us all about it.

“The third.”

“So that`s next-hang on.” He opens up his old flip phone, a relic from the dinosaur era, and checks his calendar. “Next Thursday?”

“Well done,” she rolls her eyes and we all laugh. “Here you are boys. More on the way.” Kate puts down three plates of pancakes in from on us. A few minutes later she topples a couple more onto the existing piles and begins working on her own, then sits down not long after with her breakfast.

“Yesterday was lovely, wasn`t it?”

We all agree with her. Adam, through a large mouthful of choc-chip pancake that we all try our best to ignore.

“It was wonderful to see everyone again and didn`t you think Charlie and Jo were just adorable?” Kate practically coos.

Sam and I agree again, while Adam, who was at the stage where he thought all love was pretty icky most of the time, pulls a face and sticks his tongue out.

“Come again, hun?” John looks up from his paper, dropping crumbs all over it that hide in the crease down the middle of the pages.

“Charlie and Jo,” Kate repeats, taking a delicate nibble of plain pancake. “They are so adorable together. I don`t know how I never saw it earlier.”

John doesn`t seem to agree and quietly goes back to reading without saying a word. Kate shakes her head and drops the subject, but not before shooting me a sympathetic grin from across the table. I can`t bring myself to return the smile, just knowing that it would falter and come out as some weird watered down version. Sam notices my pained expression and nudges my bare foot from under the table with his own. His face drops when I ignore the friendly action and he tilts his head out of confusion. John turns the next page and continues reading, one hundred percent oblivious to his son`s inner struggle at the breakfast table. Adam attacks his food with his fork, stabbing a piece and chomping it down eagerly.

“So Dean, Bobby and I were discussing you starting working at the garage with us. We can offer you an apprenticeship if you like, but you will still have to continue to do your maths and English, either at home or at a local college.”

I stare open mouthed over at him, nodding along like an idiot. I manage to compose myself. “Y-yeah, that`d be great. Tell Bobby thanks a lot.”

John smiles. “No problem. You can start on the third when all the other kids go back to school.”

“Ok.”

To tell the truth I wasn’t too sure how I felt about working alongside my dad at his garage. It was too close to the dreams I had as a kid, before he let me down big time. While I had been working on letting go, forgiving and forgetting, and it was generally going quite well, it was still incredibly difficult. I was still mad, still hurt and still cautious. I was fully aware that this new life he had built here for himself had meant nothing to me for years, and as well as it was going at the moment, it could still go to hell and then I would be right back at square one again. Alone, confused and hurting.

Honestly, I didn`t have a clue what I wanted from my future, how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. When he walked out I had just kind of assumed that was it all over at the tender age of twelve, and given up on dreaming about what could come next. Did I really want to be a mechanic anymore? I wasn`t sure. I liked cars. I had hated school for the past four years, and had absolutely no desire to put any time or effort in. Did I want to go back and work my ass off Monday to Friday, nine till three and then have to do coursework in my evenings and waste my weekends writing up shitty essays about dead or boring people? I wasn`t sure. Probably not. I don`t know. Maybe.

This was pathetic. I was sixteen years old and had no idea what to do with my life. As little as six months ago I had given up all hope of having a future to look forward to, but now there were possibilities again. Did everyone feel like this? How did they cope?

“Dean?” John looks concerned.

“Sorry. I was just daydreaming. I really can`t wait to start.” It was the truth, mostly. I was looking forward to it, having a sense of purpose again, but mostly I was just scared. All these time I had been on the wrong path, making all the wrong choices, fucking everything up. I didn`t want to do that again.

My last few days of freedom are taken up by watching Scooby Doo with the boys, sneaking out at night with Cas and wandering on the beach (with possible kissing) and eating leftover cake. The very last day of freedom was split up between playing football with Sam, Adam and John while Kate sat stitching some weird blanket for the new arrival, and talking with Cas on our beach. When I had begun to think of it as belonging to us, I wasn`t certain, but I think I liked it. Besides, hardly anyone else used that area, so it kind of was ours.

“Urgh. I start working at the garage tomorrow and I have an eight AM start,” I complain, sat on one of the large rocks with my bare feet dangling and kicking the sand.

Cas squeezes my hand comfortingly and leans his face in closer, close enough that his breath fans my face and tickles my skin. “That sucks,” he sympathises, brushing his lips briefly across mine. “However, I think you will learn to cope.”

“God, I hope not.”

He laughs and gently nudges my lips with his own once more. “So will this mean I see less of you?” he pouts childishly. “I don`t like the sound of that. I mean, how on Earth am I meant to cope without your cheery face every day?”

“Ha ha. Not funny, Cas. I`m going to miss you,” I add on in a much more serious tone than I had used with him before.

He looks stunned for a minute, then pulls me over and crashes his mouth onto mine with such ferocity that I freeze, unsure what to do, arms flopping about uselessly at my sides. Cas` own arms wrap around me protectively, gripping hold of my loose shirt and bunching it up between his fingers. Struggling to get over my surprise, I begin to kiss back hesitantly, shyly. His tongue prods insistently at my lower lip and that is when I jolt back.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks, concern colouring his confused words.

Gasping for breath I manage to tell him that I was simply surprised, but he had done nothing wrong. “In fact,” I smirk. “I liked it a lot.”

He flushes all the way down to his neck and turns away. “I just don`t want you forgetting about me, Dean. Can`t have some pretty girl coming in and catching your eye, now can I?”

I place a reassuring hand on his shoulder and turn him back to face me. “Not going to happen,” I promise.

We chat for a while longer about nothing in particular as the sun fades from the sky. I am about to ask if he wants to cuddle up under the tartan blanket in his bag when he surprises me for a second time that night by standing up and tugging his t shirt off and over his head. I watch in amazement as he does the same for his slim fitting jeans. He gathers both items up and stuffs them into his backpack.

“What?” he grins upon seeing my shocked (but definitely not unhappy) face. “I want to go swimming. I didn`t think that you would like it if I removed everything I was wearing, but I`ll be damned if I am getting a cold from swimming in the only clothes I have with me.”

Hate to break it to you sweetheart, but you might be wrong about that. Thankfully, I am able to mute myself before I humiliate myself by repeating the embarrassing thought out loud.

“Care to join me?” he teases, before running straight into on incoming wave. I hold my breath and don`t dare let it out again until I see his dark head resurface. “Come on you scaredy cat!” He splashes me with icy cold water and I flinch back, glaring at him.

I gulp, looking out at the endless sea in front of me. I`d never been a very confident swimmer, but Cas seemed to be. Not the wisest decision I had made in a while, but I copy Cas and hastily remove my jeans and shirt, feeling more than a little self-conscious when I see him staring unashamedly, and jump in. I scream when the freezing water splashes around me, threatening to take me under, but manage to keep on my feet, hoping that I won`t step on anything hidden in the sand.

“Cold?”

“Me?” I shiver, voice trembling. “No way. You?”

Instead of answering me verbally, he splashes me again right in the face.

“If I end up dying of hypothermia and am late for my first day tomorrow I am so gonna kill you!” I threaten him, splashing him back.

“I won`t let anything happen to you Dean. You should know that by now.”

I chuckle, and dodge another salt water attack. “My guardian angel has got nothing on you, eh?” I joke and he laughs, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me again.

“I love you, Dean.”

I freeze.

He had said it, finally one of us had voiced what we both had been thinking, what we both already knew to be true. Love. I love you. And God it was so predictable, so damn cheesy and like every bad chick-flick combined, but I hadn`t been aware just how badly I had been wanting him to say those three little words. How long I had been waiting. How long had he been waiting? I love you too. Of course I did, no matter how stupid it sounded, or how fast this was moving. In ten years from now we would probably both look back on this and laugh because what could two misfit kids possibly know about love? Nothing. Exactly. But right now, we knew everything.

I take a deep, steadying breath. “I love you too, Cas.”

 

 


	30. First day

I felt like death warmed up that morning. The alarm on my phone flashes menacingly at me as I fumble blindly to switch the damn thing off and hurl it towards the bottom of my bed. I glare at the clock on the wall, and at the chilly morning air I knew awaited me when I finally dragged my sorry ass out of the warm comfort of my bed. My life sucked. Not completely, and not really, but right now in at half past seven in the morning, it certainly felt like I had the worst possible life in existence. Asking why good people always seemed to have the rottenest luck, I haul my angrily protesting body out the door and into the bathroom, where I have the worlds quickest ever shower, and dress in record time.

I felt a million and ten times better now that I was warm and clean, the salt water than had clung determinedly to my hair from last night’s moonlight adventure with Cas washed away, with the memory being pushed to the back of my mind for now. The last thing I needed was humiliating myself in front of everyone at the garage, because I couldn`t focus on anything apart from his beautiful blue eyes. I run down the stairs, taking them two at a time, anxious excitement pooling in my gut, overtaking the weary exhaustion.

“Good morning, Dean,” Dad greats me with a smile, half hidden behind the morning`s headline. Something about the shitty government taking liberties and screwing the taxpayers over again.

“Morning dad,” I reply through a mouthful of cheesy toast Kate had shoved in my mouth as soon as she heard me coming down the stairs.

He grunts and gently places the freshly printed newspaper down. “You about ready to go?”

“Yeah.” I grab my messenger bag, almost empty except for the plastic tub of sandwiches Kate had prepared and left out for me last night.

“We`ll be leaving in a minute. Say goodbye to Sam and Adam. They should be getting ready by now.”

I nod and race up the stairs. I knock once on Adam`s door, and the small boy jumps on me, school jumper loosely knotted around his skinny little waist. I laugh and removed it, before ordering him to turn around and hold out his arms so I can dress him in it properly. He grins and presses a sloppy kiss to my check before I can stop him. Ignoring the desire to scrub it off, I return his smile and press a kiss to the top of his head, then go off to find Sammy, trying to ignore how cute the kid was, how happy his small action had made me.

Sam was ready when I walked in, glaring at the image the mirror reflected back at him. The god awful maroon blazer was slung over his shoulder carelessly, his god awful sensible shoes laced tightly and the new black trousers already looked a little short on him, despite having only been bought at the beginning of the holidays on a family trip to Norwich.

“Looking good, Sammy,” I taunt playfully, earning me a pillow to the face.

“I look ridiculous. The blazer, yes blazer! Is maroon. Bloody maroon! And the trousers must have shrunk or something in the bag, because they are like two centimetres shorter than they were before.”

I do my damndest to hold back my laughter, not wanting him to get even more worked up before the dreaded first day back. “Don`t blame the pants, it isn`t their fault you`re built like Bigfoot.”

He blinks once. “Oh, thank you,” he snarls, angrily shoving his arms through his blazer. “I look like a legendary, big, hairy beast. Fantastic.”

“I just meant that you are really tall.” I frown. “Soon you`ll be overtaking me, and then everyone will be calling me the younger brother.”

That does it. His famous cheery smile is back where it should be and he is pulling me in for a bone crushing hug, I squirm desperately to free myself from.

“Anyway, I`d better be going. A day of firsts all round, eh? You and Adam have your first day back at school, and it`s my first day working for dad. Better wish me luck.”

He does with a smile and another hug, before following me downstairs to shovel toast in his face alongside Adam.

“John is waiting for you in his precious car,” Kate informs me, before I am attacked with kisses and even more hugs. “Have a great day sweetheart. Don`t let John work you too hard, and don`t forget to stop for lunch and drink regularly. And if you get a chance send me a text to let me know how it is going,” the pregnant woman gushes, tears actually coming to her subtly painted eyes. Must be the hormones or something.

“I`ll be fine, Kate,” I reassure her gently. “Bye Adam, bye Sammy!” I call as I am halfway out the door, a joyful spring in my step for once not put there by Cas. Well, not entirely. My mind can`t help but wander back to his admission in the early hours of this morning, but I force myself to push that to the side for now, to be dwelled on later when I was alone.

“Took you long enough,” John jokingly complains as I take my seat in the car, taking a few seconds to admire her before I close the door with a soft thud. We drive down the street, passing houses that were almost as nice as ours, with flowerbeds nearly kept as neatly as Kate`s. We turn right and head up Jellicoe road and are stopped at the blinking traffic lights while some school kids pass with their heavy backpacks. Instead of turning right again, we turn left, the complete opposite way to the garage.

Seeing my puzzled face, John smiles and begins to explain. “We have a friend to see on the way.” Noticing that I was still confused, as he had intended, his smile broadens as he turns down a narrow road. “What? You didn`t think Bobby would want to see you on your first day?”

“Bobby?”

John nods and parks the car right outside a quaint little house with pebbles and shells decorating the doorway. “Sam and Adam did that years ago, back when Adam was still tiny. Before the accident, Bobby and me took them crab hunting, but they were more interested in bringing back half the beach with them. We had to go and buy more buckets to hold all the shells they found. What a bloody palaver that was, let me tell you,” he grumbles, but his heart wasn`t in it, you could tell by the adoration in his eyes.

I can picture it now. John would probably have been rolling his eyes at his kid`s antics, and told them repeatedly to put the pebbles back, while good old uncle Bobby would have stood with them, and probably even gotten down on the sand and helped them search for pretty things too. John would have eventually have given up, and guarded the overflowing buckets while they ran off to fill another under the watchful eye of their beloved uncle. It`s sad really, when I think about it. Sam and Adam didn`t have a clue just how lucky they were. Totally oblivious. They had everything that I had ever longed for, and they took it for granted the same way I once had.

Bobby is sat outside in his chair waiting for us when we pull up, a cheery smile on his face as he waves his right arm enthusiastically, his other resting firmly on the wheel. “Morning Dean,” he greets me with a smile. “Looking forward to your first day?”

I nod and tell him that I was, despite last week’s uncertainty that had now mostly disintegrated. “I sure am, Bobby.”

“Make sure your daddy takes good care of you, you know what he`s like. Make sure he doesn`t just throw you in the deep end, but don`t let him fob you off with the jobs nobody wants either, because he`ll try.”

John looks wounded, but laughs along good naturedly. “Don`t pay any attention to this old crackpot, Dean. He likes winding you up.”

Bobby ignores him and continues as though he hadn`t said a word. “I`ll get Ellen to drop me off to see how you`re doing some time, but I got faith in you, boy. You`re gonna do us all proud.”

That was the first time I had heard words like that, had someone voice their absolute faith in me and my abilities in so long. It felt good, amazing even. I had been a bright kid, not a straight A student, but not all that far off. I was in the top classes for all but maths and art, and really, when was I going to need to be able to draw a bunch of grapes or count to a million in the real world? I was used to having people, my teachers, parents and even other teachers who didn`t teach me, praising me and telling me how wonderful my work was, how proud they were, how certain they were that my future would be the brightest and biggest. Then John left and I turned my back on everyone I loved, everything important, myself included. I kissed goodbye to that big, bright future, to my high grades and excellent test results, to my dreams. Now was the chance to fix that. To try again.

We say goodbye to Bobby and get back in the car. We arrive at the garage a little after half eight, but there were already people there working hard. People I had never seen before. They all pause and look up from what they were doing to welcome me and smile warmly. The woman at the front desk was named Jody Mills, and she had a friendly grin and take no nonsense attitude. Her jeans were scruffy and oil stained, but she looked happy.

“Oh God save us all,” she joked upon seeing me walk in behind dad. “Another Winchester. John, I`m handing in my notice.”

“Nothing I can do to get you to reconsider?” John plays along.

He told me that while she was a top notch receptionist, she was also like a duck to water when it came to the inside of a car, and was once of the best damn mechanics he knew.

“A raise might get me to reconsider. I`m convinced I found a premature grey hair the other night, it must be the constant stress of running after you all the time like some kind of flunky.”

Deciding I liked the woman, I wave to her as John leads me into the back of the building where the magic happened, at least according to a strange man named Garth, who seemed to have a permanent goofy grin plastered on his face. After I had been introduced to everyone, John called me over to a beat up looking Mazda. I grimace seeing the many minor dents and scratches on the bodywork.

“They can`t all be like our beloved Impala, son. Sad, but it makes you realise just how lucky you are.”

Son. He called me son. I bite back a stupid smile and turn my head just in case he saw. “What`s the problem with it?” I mean, besides the obvious scrapes.

“Nothing major, I hope. We`ve got too much to do. The owner just dropped it in last night for its M.O.T. Here`s hoping it sails through.”

I cross my fingers and he laughs.

The rest of the morning races by, the tatty looking Mazda surprises me by passing with no serious faults, and the relieved owner comes by to pick it up just after one. Jody sends him off with a smile and a wave, telling him to remember us for the next time. I eat lunch outside in the weakening September sunshine with Garth, who reminded me a lot of a clingy, devoted cocker spaniel. A bit annoying, but sweet at the same time. I send Kate a brief text and do the same for Sammy, even though I doubted he would get a chance to look at it before he got home. The school had a very strict policy when it came to students using their phones on the premises, even at lunchtime.

Not long after lunch I am sent home early to work on my Maths and English, something I wasn`t exactly thrilled about. Jody happily volunteers to give me a lift home, because she had to skip out early to pick up her kids from school. When I get in I change into clean clothes, dumping my dirty ones in the washing machine. It was an easy decision to pick up my English work instead of my maths, and then I am off out again, the folder jammed into my bag along with a fresh bottle of juice. The roads are just starting to get busy with parents heading to pick up their brats from school, but the beach was empty as usual. Perched comfortably on top of one of the large rocks in the distance was Cas, the sea breeze playing with the ends of his dark hair.

“How was your first day?” he starts off by asking, before pulling me down next to him, careful to steady me so that I don`t slip and cut myself.

“Really, really good. I don`t know why I was so worried.”

“Well that`s a relief. I`ve been sitting here all day worrying about you.”

I`m more than a little taken aback by this, though I suppose I shouldn’t be by now. I lean in and press a soft kiss to the side of his face to try and express the effect his words had on me. “Thank you, but there was no need to worry. I was fine.”

“And how`s things with your father?” he poses the question gingerly, worried I would erupt, but he wasn`t so scared that he would stay silent. I liked that about him. He knew when to push and how much, and when to step back.

“Alright. He still doesn`t know about anything.”

Cas reaches out a comforting hand and swipes if gently across my cheek. “Do you want him to know?”

“No!”

He flinches, but his hand doesn`t move.

“I`m going to do some work now,” I tell him, taking out a copy of Hamlet from my back. The next chapter in the textbook was dedicated to Shakespeare, and Kate wanted me to read at least two of his works and write a review of them to prove I understood them. I read the first fifty pages while Cas watched over my shoulder, reading along with me. Occasionally he will tell me not to turn the pages so fast. I put the book away and I reluctantly go back to our earlier conversation.

“Part of me does want him to know, I guess. I want him to be happy for me like Kate is. She isn`t even my real mum and she has been wonderful and taken it better than my actual one. But John is old fashioned, and has a very strict view on what his kids should be like. I`ve just got him back, I can`t risk everything going down the shitter again. I don`t think I`d be able to recover from it this time.”

I can tell that he wants to say something, anything to ease my pain, but he doesn`t know what, so he doesn`t. I respect that. Most other people would just blab out the first thing that came to their mind, and it would be the wrong thing. He doesn`t even try to kiss me to take my mind away from it like I thought he might, just sits there with his palm lightly stroking my cheek and listening intently.

“I`m not an idiot. I know he`s got to find out some time. He`s going to be furious and then he`s going to hate me for real this time and want nothing to do with me again.”

He finally speaks. “You`re scared. You don`t want to build up a relationship with him again, only to have it destroyed further down the line when he finds out.”

I`m stunned into silence. How was it that this boy, this beautiful boy I had known for such a short time knew just the right words to say? How was it that he knew exactly what was on my mind, the words that I had been struggling to say? Cas knew me, he saw me for what I was. The good and the bad. The broken little child who`s heart had still not recovered, and the grown man who was desperately fighting to turn it all around. When all others could only see the asshole ruining his life, Cas could see the frightened little boy underneath too hurt to risk getting close to anyone else, the boy who never trusted anyone enough to let them in, because he just knew that they would walk away from him too.

He loved me, and I loved him.

I take a deep breath and let it out. “John needs to know.”

 

 


	31. Tell me what?

Just because I had finally made the gruelling decision to tell my father about my relationship, didn`t make it the least bit easier to actually bite the bullet and do it. Cas had been great, but that was to be expected. As soon as the words were out of my mouth his arms were wrapped securely around my trembling form (I was cold, ok?) and asking me if I was certain, reminding me gently that I didn`t have to if I wasn`t up for such a big step yet. I was though. At least, I think I was. Like ninety eight percent sure. More like ninety five, but still, pretty close. Oh who was I kidding? I groan, letting my thumping head sink into the fluffy cushions Kate had recently bought. She had a pre-baby appointment with John later after work, and wouldn`t be back till late.

A whole week later and I still hadn`t told John. I sucked. Cas was still being so unbelievably patient with me, which I didn`t deserve, because I was being such a yellow blooded coward. I get up sluggishly, wander into the kitchen and rifle through the draws until I pull out a half empty box of painkillers. I pop two out of the ridiculous packaging, briefly losing one of the tiny white pills on the floor and gulp them down with a swig of water, before making my way back to the couch. I collapse down on top of the red furry cushions, pull the matching fleece blanket over me and close my eyes.

 

My head was killing me, like I had all of Las Vegas crammed in there, flashing lights, noise and all. I don`t think I have had a decent night’s sleep since I first made my decision, which I was seriously having second (and third and fourth) thoughts about. I had more bags under my eyes than a supermarket according to Sam, who looked at me with worry in his eyes and an unsaid question on his lips before leaving for school with Adam this morning. Kate had noticed something was up with me and told John to let me stay at home today while I got back to my usual self. That was how I ended up home alone. Truth be told, I think she had noticed days ago, but was giving me space to deal before butting in. I respected that about her. She cared, she wasn`t ignoring me, but she didn`t want to be too pushy either. This now was the start of the Kate intervention. I knew with absolutely certainty that if I hadn`t perked up by this evening she would be having a private word in my ear.

How lucky was I? As sarcastic as that sounds, and as crappy as I feel, I did feel lucky. Kate might be a bit annoying, but she cared. Genuinly, legitimately cared. When I finally got the balls to tell John, I was pretty sure she would be on my side. As good as that made me feel, it still didn`t stop the tangled knot of dread from tightening in my stomach whenever I thought about it though.

I doze in an out for a few hours, still dressed in the raggedy jeans that were ruined now for anything apart from working at the garage, and baggy black (to hide the oil stains) tee shirt. A soft knock at the front door is what pulls me from my restless slumber just after lunchtime. My stomach grumbles to remind me of its emptiness. I am about to ignore it, knowing that we weren`t expecting any deliveries, but the person knocks again, louder this time. I sigh and sit upright, rubbing my temples, head still hurting despite the medicine.

“Will you knock it off?” I grumble to myself, determined to wait it out until the asshole on the other side of the door gave in and left. After nearly five minutes of continuous hammering on the door, I admit defeat.

“Alright, alright,” I yell. “I`m fucking coming!”

I unlatch the door and let it swing open. “If you`re selling any bibles, we don`t want any,” I announce irritably without looking at the person stood there.

“No bibles, I promise,” an amused voice chuckles out.

God dammit Cas!

“What are you doing here?” Not that I`m not happy to see you or anything, it`s just I feel like shit and look even worse and you look bloody perfect as usual.

Self-consciously I subtly try to sniff the sleeve of my shirt, groaning when the scent of oil burns my nostrils. Great, just fucking great. Perfect even. Here I was looking like crap in a pair of raggedy torn up jeans, a too big old shirt and a pounding headache, operating on less than four hours sleep. Meanwhile he was looking positively angelic in a pair of slim fitting blue jeans, wind styled hair, and royal blue hoodie with black wings on the back. It always tugged on my possessive side just a little whenever I saw him wearing the hoodie I gave to him.

Cas chuckles again. “I missed you,” he admits with greater ease than I could have in a million years. “Can I come in?” he asks, but really it wasn`t a question and we both knew it. As if I could deny him anything. It terrified me how much that was true, and I think he knew it.

He steps inside the immaculately decorated hallway, shrugging off his hoodie to reveal a plain grey shirt underneath.

“I`m just gonna go get changed.”

“Dean, it`s fine. It`s only me,” he tries to assure me, but the stench of oil that hadn`t been bothering me until now decides for me. “Two minutes,” I promise, before racing up the stairs two at a time.

The drawers are pulled wide open and I grab the first clean shirt that I can find and tug it on. I do the same with the jeans and cart the dirty clothes downstairs and throw them into the washing machine.

I call him into the kitchen to offer him a drink and put a cheese pizza in the oven for us to share. “Remind me to check it in-” I refer back to the box. “Ten minutes.”

“Got it,” he nods happily.

We sit on the couch, blanket draped over both of our shoulders, him on one side and me on the other, gradually edging closer together. By the time the ten minutes were up he was practically sitting in my lap, arms wrapped tightly around my neck, fingers playing with my hair, head resting on my chest, smiling happily at the rise and fall as I breathed.

“The pizza will be burning.” I make no effort to move and neither does he.

“The box said it will take fifteen to twenty minutes,” he said in a bored tone, pressing a kiss the base of my neck that made me shiver in a very pleasant way.

We detangle ourselves just in time to save the pizza before it was a black, charcoal mess. I grab a plate from the cabinet and plate it up, cutting it into four large sections. Not bothering with cutlery (because who the hell eats flipping pizza with knives and forks?) we head back into the living room. We take our time watching cartoons and shovelling gooey, cheesy pizza into our faces, laughing whenever one of us gets a particularly stringy piece of cheese that dangles out of the corner of our mouths. I take a long drink of coke straight from the bottle, before offering it to Cas, who takes a sip and puts it back on the floor at our feet.

We cuddle back up close, this time with my head resting on his chest as he rubs my temples with his fingers, easing the tension. “Helping?”

I nod and he smiles.

Sam comes in around twenty to four, Adam running in behind him screaming something about a field trip. Sam has to do a double take when he sees us all cosied up together under the blanket, but he grins and tells us we were adorable. I flip him off, not willing to let him know how embarrassed I was.

“I thought you were sick,” he said smugly, a teasing smile taking shape on his face.

“Oh fuck off, Sam. I had a heachache and Cas just showed up out of the blue.”

“Well you seem fine now.”

I roll my eyes. Cas stays quiet, sitting there awkwardly, not knowing if he should remove his arms or not. He chooses not to, which I am secretly happy about. “Yes, excellent deduction, Sherlock. Now leave us alone.”

He scowls at me, but heads up to his bedroom, taking Adam with him, giving us some peace for a few more hours until Dad and Kate return.

“He`s sweet.”

“Yeah, but he can be a right pain most of the time.”

“Don`t do anything icky on that couch, alright?!” Sam calls down from the top of the stairs.

“Like now. Go to hell, Sam!” I didn`t mean a word of it, and we all knew it.

“I miss my brothers. It feels like I haven’t seen them in centuries. They were annoying, and loved teasing me because I was the youngest, especially Gabe, but I love them.”

Cas was a very private person, and I knew that his family was an off limit topic, but I was curious. I took a chance. “Where are they now then? Your brothers?”

“Home,” was his vague answer.

I frown and try again. It wasn`t fair that he knew so much about my family and all its faults, while I knew virtually nothing about him and his past. “Where is home?” I tense up.

He doesn`t get angry, but his entire body freezes and he moves his arm from around me. “Dean,” he warns.

“Cas, please. You know my dirty little secrets, you know everything about me, my fears, my likes, my dislikes, everything that went down with my parents, and yet I know nothing about you. I know sod all and I`m sick of it. I trust you, but you clearly don`t trust me.” I regret the words as soon as they were out and wish I could take them back.

He wasn`t mad, but he was hurt. His face was pained, bright blue eyes dull and damp. The arm he had removed is taut, fist clenched as he edges even further away from me to sit on the other side of the couch. Only a small distance, but it may as well have been miles. I was hurt, and it showed in my face, not that he was looking. I should have just kept my trap shut and we would still be cuddled up and kissing and enjoying each other’s company.

“I`m sorry Dean. I do trust you, but it`s complicated.”

“Complicated?” I scoff. “Get real, Cas. I think I know complicated very well.”

“My family is very large, and very strict. They had high expectations of me and knew exactly who and what I should be. I was raised by my brothers for most of my childhood, but we aren`t very close. I left and came here, where I met you.” He smiles at me for the first time in what felt like hours. “There`s so much I want to tell you, but I can`t. Not yet. Not because I don`t trust you, or love you, because I do, ever so much,” he sighs. “It`s just…messy.”

It wasn`t much, but it was a start. I forgive him for keeping so much of himself, his past, from me, but I let it pass. He was trying. I never really thought about it, only in passing, but now I really knew that the older boy was just as conflicted as I was. We somehow find ourselves wrapped around each other again, arms and legs intertwined.

“It`s ok, Cas,” I reassure him, peppering his face with soft kisses.

“I like the colour blue.”

I laugh and kiss him on the lips sweetly. “What else?”

“Watching the sunrise and set, cats, reading old books and I don`t like being apart from you.”

Unsure what to say, I force myself even closer to him, crashing my lips down against his surprised ones. He definitely had gotten much better at this since his first clumsy attempts, but he was still to overeager. I was starting to think that was just a Cas thing. If it was, then I liked it. We keep kissing for god knows how long, hands beginning to hesitantly wander, shyly creeping under shirts, but staying well above the belt area.

“You can never leave me, alright?”

He nods, breathless, eyes dark. “I promise,” he replies, diving in for another kiss.

“When-” Cas gently nips the part where shoulder meets neck and I gasp, holding out a hand to push him away for a minute. He begins pressing gentle little kisses all along the palm, tickling the skin. “When they get back I`m going to tell John. I`ve been putting it off, waiting for the right time, but there isn`t one.”

He nods in agreement. “I`ll be here if you want me.”

“You know I`ll always want you,” I mumble against his cheek breathlessly.

Seven o clock on the dot and a car door slams outside. The garden gate clicks as it is unlatched and the front door swings open. This was it. Kate comes in first, a happy, but tired expression on her face, take out bags in her arms. I had offered to cook dinner, because they would be back late, but she had insisted I just take it easy today. She seems shocked to see that I wasn`t alone, but quickly covers up her surprise with a smile.

“Is Castiel staying for dinner?” She asks cheerfully, placing the Chinese down on the table. “Call the boys down will you while I see what is taking your father so long?” She walks out slowly, hand resting on her growing stomach. She was starting to get bigger now, much more noticeable.

“Hurry up, John. Dinner will be getting cold.”

“I`m coming, just putting the bins out for tomorrow.”

Deep breath, Dean. Deep breaths. Cas places his hand on my knee and squeezes. “I`m here.” I like how he doesn`t make any promises about it all being all right, because he doesn`t know. Anyone else would have, but not him.

John comes sauntering in a few minutes later, looking confused and a little unhappy to see our dinner guest sat next to me, hands now both being kept to himself. Sam and Adam follow, pausing in the doorway.

“You err alright there?” he asks, before unwrapping his food. “Err, Cas-something or other, right? Dean`s friend.”

Cas nods quietly.

“He`s dating your sister isn`t he?” He turns to face me. “Why don`t we ever see her around?”

Cas` eyes catch mine anxiously.

Sensing something was up, John asks, “well? What is it?”

Kate stands in the doorway, chewing her lip, glancing over at me then Cas, and finally at John. Sam and Adam look at me worriedly.

“They broke up, right Dean? That`s why you`ve been a bit iffy the past few days, isn`t it?” Sam tries to help, but John was clearly unconvinced.

“The truth, boy. Now.”

I snap. What did he know about truth? “You want the truth? Really?” I get to my feet.

“Dean, don`t,” Cas warns.

“The truth is that I was never dating Cas` sister, he made it up. I`m dating Cas, dad. Cas. A guy. I like guys, dad. Not just girls. Both. I like girls and I like guys and I am dating Cas. How`s that for truth?”

 

 

 

 


	32. Anger

“The truth is that I was never dating Cas` sister, he made it up. I`m dating Cas, dad. Cas. A guy. I like guys, dad. Not just girls. Both. I like girls and I like guys and I am dating Cas. How`s that for truth?”

Well shit. My jaw snaps firmly shut, fists clenching together so tightly it hurt, nails leaving small crescent moon shaped scratches on the fleshy part of the palm. Was it hot in here or was it just me? I unclench my fists and grasp desperately at the front of my shirt, while Cas looks on helplessly. Damn it. The last thing I wanted was to make a big scene about it. I knew that John wasn`t going to take the news well, and now I had kicked off and made the already difficult conversation a million and ten times harder. Well done me. Good job.

I chance a look up at John, but he was avoiding looking at me, preferring to examine a small juice stain on the carpet. His shoulders were tense, his entire body rigid, eyes flaming with anger and disappointment. His eyes retreat from the floor and his gaze falls on Kate, who was standing somewhere between me and him, a protective arm outstretched in front of me, as her entire body attempts to shield me from his fury. “John,” she warns softly, with a sharp shake of the head. “No.”

He ignores her completely and turns on Sammy, eyes passing right over Cas as though he wasn`t even there, who places a steadying hand on my shoulder. I growl deep in the back of my throat and edge a little closer, fists tightening once more. Cas pulls me back, arms locking securely around my chest, resting his head on my shoulder. His face was pained, eyed screwed shut, teeth clenched, hands shaking as his delicate fingers clench the thin material of my shirt. It was then that I realise that he was pissed, like seriously fucked off, and doing his damndest to keep it together for me, as to not screw things up even further. I struggle to give him a small, unhappy smile to let him know how much I appreciated it. John was not going to drag Sammy into this mess. He was only a kid, a really sweet kid who had only done what I had asked.

“You knew about this, Sam?” His voice was cold, something Sam clearly wasn`t used to. All credit to the kid, he could hold his ground better than I could at his age, and he could do it without screeching his head off and getting violent. I still hadn`t quite managed that yet. He didn`t even wince when John takes a step closer to him.

“You fucking knew about this and you didn`t say a word about it?!” He screams, grabbing a plush cushion from the couch and hurls it against the wall. It crashes with a soft thump at the back of the other couch.

“John, calm down,” Kate steps in, ushering Adam and Sam out of the door. Adam goes, but not before pausing in the doorway with a worried, watery smile aimed at me.

“I love you, bro,” he mouths wordlessly at me, before scarpering off before John can start screaming like a banshee again.

Sam flat out refuses to leave and stalks over to where Cas and I were stood in an awkward, terrified embrace. When he speaks his voice was steady, but he was glaring.

“Sam, maybe you should go and stay with Adam while your father and I discuss things with Dean and his friend.”

“No, I won’t leave.” He addresses Kate stubbornly, before facing up to his father. “Yes, I did know about Dean and Cas, and I couldn`t be happier for them.”

“Why didn`t you tell me? And you,” he turns to his wife, the woman I had loathed for so long, and suddenly I want to hit him for talking to her and Sam this way. Me, I could take it, this was only to be expected, but this had nothing to do with them. I was used to him treating me poorly, they weren`t. “You knew as well, you knew that he was sneaking around behind our backs, doing god know what with that friend of his.”

“Oh shut up, John! Of course I didn`t tell you, it wasn`t my place to. Dean is nearly an adult. And besides, I was worried you were going to go off your head and I was right. Shut your big mouth for one minute and just look at what this is doing to your son.”

His mouths opens and closes in a way that would have bene comical any other time, before he sneers at the way my hands were gripping onto Cas` own. “It turns out that my son is dating another boy, how exactly am I supposed to take that? Break out the beers, hang some rainbow party declarations, put on some Madonna and throw a fucking parade?!”

“You are supposed to be happy for him!” Cas breaks away from me and throws himself across the room, lunging at the older man, kicking out his hands and feet. He grabs him by the shirt collar and screams in his face. “Dean is your son and he loves you. He needs you. How can you be so cruel and continue treating him like shit? You abandoned him when he needed you most, when he was a lost little boy. You fucking destroyed him and broke his trust in everyone. You have no right to pass judgment on him in any way.” His closed fist makes contact with John`s jaw with a sharp crack for a split second, before he is being harshly pushed away. John slaps his hand away with ease, and Cas falls back onto the floor,

All hell breaks loose.

I run over before Cas even hits the floor and am swiftly helping him to his feet. He looks shaken, but not harmed. If anything, John`s shove only seems to have fuelled his anger. Sam is hovering over him, aiding me in getting him back on his feet.

“You ok, Cas?”

He nods sharply, glaring at John with repulsion and loathing.

 

John is yelling, face like thunder, eyes filled with disgust. Kate is screaming at John, hand clutching her bump protectively as she shakes with anger. I worry about her, this couldn`t be good for her health or the baby. Once again I was wrecking things.

“This hasn`t gone the way I had hoped.”

Cas offers me a small smile. “Understatement of the century.”

“Dad is bang out of order. I had no idea he would react this badly. I didn`t think he would be exactly thrilled about it, but I never thought-“ Sam is fuming, words spewing out heatedly, while he helps me check if Cas is really alright.

“Sammy, don`t.” I raise a hand to stop him, my own anger growing. “It isn`t you I want to hear this from.”

“How dare you hit that boy, John!?” Kate wags an accusing finger under his nose, poking him in the chest with it suddenly.

“I didn`t intend for him to fall, he was the one who attacked me first, remember?” John huffs, not bothering to offer either of us an apology.

“You will apologise to him John, to both of them and then if it isn`t too much trouble we will sit down and talk about this like sane, rational adults.”

“My son is a faggot, Kate. What do you want me to say?”

“That he is your son and you love him. What happened to loving him, being so happy that you had him back? Are you really going to throw all of that away over something so stupid?”

He winces at her tone, but the repulsion doesn`t leave his face. He sits down on the couch, right on the very edge and grabs a glass of coke from the table. He takes a long swig and holds the half empty glass in his lap, tapping the rim impatiently. “Alright then, boy. Explain yourself. And keep all the gory details to yourself, because I don`t want to hear it.”

I glance worriedly at Cas, who after taking a long moment to consider, nods and takes hold of my hand. “I didn`t want you to find out this way. I didn`t mean to upset you.”

“You have no reason to apologise, Dean,” Cas snaps, in a voice I had never heard him use before. It was dark and threatening and made the hairs of the back of my neck stand up.

With his usually friendly eyes narrowed and dark, rigid stance and crossed arms, he looked every bit a vengeful warrior. I`d never seen him look so intimidating, and it frightened me. It wasn`t like it was in cliché novels, there was nothing pleasant or appealing about his anger, fuelled by his need to protect me. It was entirely horrifying. I had no idea that the easy going boy even could look this way, and I didn`t want to see it again. It surprised me just how enraged he was, he looked ready to pick up a blade and fight should John say one more bad word against me. I had never had someone feel so strong about me, I didn`t know how to handle it.

“Cas, calm down.” I place a wary hand on his shoulder, and for once he doesn`t lean back into the gentle touch. His eyes do soften ever so slightly though, which I take as a promising sign. “Please, just stop for a second and we can discuss it.”

A sharp nod and he follows me over to the seats opposite John, but not before shooting him a warning look over his shoulder. Kate takes a seat next to John and Sammy sides with us, much to John`s surprise. He looks betrayed, and I have to smile. The television was chatting away to itself, and Kate switches it off.

“Who wants to start?”

We all stare at Kate, who sighs deeply. “Ok. So Dean and Castiel are dating,” she smiles at us both, which makes me feel marginally better. “And seem to be very happy together.”

John rolls his eyes, earning himself a warning glance from his pregnant wife. “I think we all got that. What I want to know is what we are going to do about it.”

“Do about it?” Cas squeezes my hand tightly. “Nothing you can do about it. We aren`t doing anything wrong.” He squeezes again.

“I don`t want it in my house. He is not welcome here.” John gives Cas the dirtiest look imaginable, saying his name like a curse.

“John-“

“He led my boy astray, Dean was fine before he met him.”

“No, your boy was broken before he met him,” I correct, jumping to my feet. “I was shipped off here to a father who as far as I knew wanted nothing to do with me, I was alone and confused and Cas was the only one who understood that I was in pain. And I don`t care what you say, I will not stop seeing him.”

“Do not use that tone with me, boy. I didn`t have to let you stay here. I could have easily told your mum to fuck off when she suggested you coming here.”

Kate looks horrified, Sam like he wants to cry or punch something. I feel bad for Adam, alone upstairs in his room being force to hear all this.

“So why did you then? It`s obvious that I am not good enough for you, not a prefect son like Sammy or Adam. You don`t want me here, just say it. You think I`m a freak.” I grab hold of his shirt, pulling his face up to mine, droplets of spit splashing across his cheeks when I yell. “Say it.”

“Get the hell out of my house.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	33. Unwanted

“Get the hell out of my house.”

And with those seven little words, hurled at me from across the room, containing the full force of his hatred and revulsion, my entire world shatters like porcelain, disintegrating into dust once again. It was nothing less than I had expected, but the cold hard truth slams into me with such force it makes me stagger.

“Get the hell out of my house,” spat John. Not my father, just plain old backstabbing John Winchester. This man was nothing to me, just a sperm donor, and it was quite obvious now that I was nothing to him. Not his son, nothing but one big disgusting let down. I wasn`t smart like Sammy, or adorable and sweet like Adam. I didn`t have the brand new appeal of the bouncing baby brat Kate was currently cooking in her tum either.

I had been so stupid, blinded by my foolish, ill-advised desire to have a family again. Well now if was time to face facts; I was unwanted, unloved and a disappointment to John Winchester, and I always would be. I wasn`t the perfect eldest son he had imagined in his head, and I never would be. I should never have come back here, I should have kept on walking when I saw him at the airport that day. It shouldn`t have come as any great surprise to me, his bigoted reaction, and it hadn`t. I hadn`t been prepared for how badly it hurt though. This made the pain of losing him all those years ago seem like nothing, a mere papercut as opposed to the gaping wound in my hollowed out chest now.

No going back now, not again. Mary was wrong in what she said all that time ago. That day she told me it was my last chance wasn`t it. This was. My last chance at anything resembling a normal, loving family. At happiness. It lay torn and crushed on the floor, useless and worthless. Just like me. I had blown it, once again. I turn away from him slowly, picking my head up. He had blown it. Not me. Him.

“Honey-”I walk past a horrified looking Kate, who tries to reach out and grab at me with shaking hands and a tearstained face. I ignore her, making sure to stay out of her reach.

“Dean-” Sam and Cas try to catch me as I pass, but I avoid them too and head for the stairs.

“I`ll be gone soon, don`t worry, you old bastard.”

His expression doesn`t change. Everyone else`s does. They all plead with me to reconsider, to stay and talk it out some more, but I blank them out. Everything had already been said, and there was no taking it back. I trudge upstairs slowly, feet heavy as though I was trekking through tar. More like quicksand, dragging me under, deep down into my misery once more. Tears dampen my green eyes as I angrily tear open the bedside drawers. I can hear Kate really laying into John downstairs, giving her a piece of her mind, but it won`t work. Every so often I hear Cas or even Sam pitch in their angry opinions, and smile sadly, briefly. If they could still love me, after discovering what a mess I was, why couldn`t he? Why couldn`t Mary?

I don`t bother folding any of my clothes, they were just scruffy old jeans and band shirts anyway, and chuck them in. The hoodie I had worn that night we all camped out on the beach, the shirt I had worn on that very first time I came face to face with a strange, blue eyed boy on the beach follows it. I slam it closed and zip it up, then head to the bathroom to collect my toiletries. They get jammed into a plastic bag and put in the case. I leave my laptop under the bed and pick up my iPod, leaving my phone on top of my pillows. I do a quick survey of the room I had once called mine and walk out, softly shutting the door for the last time.

“Dean, please. You don`t have to do this.”

I glance over at John who was darkening the entire room, with his face like thunder, and flaming eyes. Yes, yes I did have to do this.

“Sorry, Kate.”

“Where will you go?” she cries. “I can`t let you do this. Just sit back down and I`ll talk to John. He doesn`t want you to go anywhere, he`s just shocked.” He looks like he wants to disagree with her, but doesn`t dare. “Remember what I said before about him being full of hot air?”

I shake my head. These words were of very little value to me. They meant nothing unless they came out of his mouth. I don`t even look up at him hopefully as I stroll right past him and out of the door. I don`t allow myself even the briefest glimpse back over my shoulder as I close the door gently behind me. I don`t slam it like an angry little boy having a tantrum. Not this time. I wasn`t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he had wounded me. I wasn`t that same lonely little boy I had been when I first arrived. Not anymore.

Sam and Cas run after me, as I had expected, but I keep on walking when I hear them calling after me.

“Dean, here.” Damn Sam and his long legs for catching up with me. He presses a small black object into my hands.

“At least call us and let us know what`s happening.”

I make no promises, but put the phone in my pocket, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

“Mum is really tearing him a new one in there. She`ll have his mind changed by tomorrow morning and this will all blow over. You`ll see.” I admire his optimism as much as I am irritated by it.

“Are you going home now?” Cas asks blankly, eyes empty.

“I`m not wanted there either,” I admit, blinking back tears. “I don`t know what I`m doing now, but I can`t stay there, can I? He doesn`t want me, just like I always knew.”

“That`s not true,” Sam begins, ignoring my glare. “He`s just a stupid jerk, but he`ll come round. He always does when mum gets involved.”

“Your mum, not mine,” I snap at him, regretting it right away. Instead of backtracking, I continue. “Kate is your mother, not mine. She`s just some woman and she doesn`t even care about me either. Why would she? My own parents couldn`t give two shits about me, they both dumped me, so why the hell would she?”

Sam`s face falls and I felt as though I had just kicked a puppy. “You don`t really mean all that, I know you don`t.” He`s certain.

I sigh, aggravated. “Does it even really matter it I mean it or not, Sam? My parents don`t want me, my fucking parents. The two people who are obligated to love you and mine couldn`t care less. What does that say about me? What could possibly be so wrong with me that my own mother and father want nothing to do with me? What is wrong with me? Why am I such a fucking screw up?!”

A warm, comforting hand is placed on my trembling shoulder. “Nothing,” a deep, gravelly voice states roughly. “It says nothing about you, but a heck of a lot about them.”

I want so badly to lean into the older boy, to let him hold me, stroke my hair and believe him when he says it will all get better. But I don`t. “What do I do now? I have nothing.”

“Bull!” Sam exclaims. “You`ve got me, and Cas. Adam adores you and Kate loves you as if you were her own son. We all love you, Dean.”

I force out a small smile for his benefit.

“You can come with me,” Cas offers up hesitantly. “It isn`t much, but you can stay with me until things are sorted out.”

Something in his face tells me that it wasn`t an offer, it was an order. “Alright, if you`re sure.”

Sam hugs me tightly. “See it`ll be fine. You can stay with your lover boy and me and Kate will work on beating some sense into dad. Literally, if I have my way. I`m unbelievably pissed at him. How could he say those thing to you?”

“Sammy, drop it. I`m fine, it`s all fine,” I promise, even though it`s not.

“No, Dean. No it`s not, but it will be.”

…

Cas pulls up in front of a slightly rundown Victorian era house, and I reluctantly unwrap my arms from around his middle. I still hadn`t got used to the bloody death trap on wheels of his, and he still teased me every time. Not tonight though. I had emptied out a few clothes and toiletries from my case into his backpack, and left the rest with Sam. Cas said he would happily go back round tomorrow and collect the rest if I was planning on stay longer than the night. He unlocks the door and lets me in. All the lights were switched off and he fumbles around in the dark hallway for a light switch.

“Family not home?” A young man couldn`t possibly live here alone. While it was only a small house, there was no way he would be able to afford this place. Or any place. I don`t think he even worked, he just always seemed to be hanging around waiting for me to show.

He shakes his head. “I live alone.” Seeing my confusion and disbelief, he explains. “My oldest brothers, Gabriel and Balthazar give me money each month. I lived with them after my dad left, but there were other family issues and I just couldn`t stay at the family home anymore. So they pay my rent for me.”

“I thought you didn`t see them much?”

“I don`t.” He looks sad and thoughtful. “They live very far away.”

All of this wasn`t adding up, but I let it slide for now. He was being good enough to let me stay so I wasn`t going to make things awkward by bringing up his invisible family. I thought he said that Gabriel and Balthazar were party animals, so where would they have the extra cash each month to support their younger brother? Especially one they never saw? Something really stunk.

Cas gives me the grand tour while waiting for the kettle to boil and the heating to kick in. It was a small house, with one double room and a pokey single, one outdated bathroom and a long, but narrow kitchen. The living room was narrow too, and looked out onto the dark street. He lived closer to the sea than we did, it was practically on his doorstep. His bedroom (gulp) even had a view of the murky grey waves on a clear day. The walls were mostly bare, painted a boring magnolia, decorated with a few pine shelves. His room was the only one with a splash of colour in it. The walls were blue like his eyes, the bedding and curtains a slightly darker shade and the carpet was snowy white.

One thing I noticed was that there were no photographs anywhere. Not one of his older brothers who apparently funded him, or of his dead mother. The house was comfortable enough, if very basic, with few homey touches, but spotless. Not a pinch of dust was visible anywhere, and the bathroom, cramped and old fashioned as it was, was gleaming white and smelt of lemony bleach. The kitchen cupboards were well stocked, and the granite worktops shining, as though they had never been used. The entire place looked untouched, almost like nobody actually lived here.

“Wow, talk about neat freak, Cas,” I joke, trying to push back the slight unsettledness rising in my gut.

He blinks, “Oh yes, I`m fairly fanatical about the cleaning. Don`t want my brother`s to think that I`m ungrateful, or taking the piss.”

I nod. “Right. Anyway, thanks again.”

“Not a problem. I`m supposed to help you, aren`t I?”

“And why is that again?” I tease, trying to lighten the mood.

“Because I love you,” he answers, proud and unashamed.

A long pause. I don`t say it, but he knows, and that was enough. We fall asleep sometime later on the couch watching cartoons, tangle dup together under a white fleece blanket.

“I love you, Cas,” I mumble, half asleep into his shoulder, and he wraps his armed around me tighter.


	34. Unconditionally

It was cold when I woke up later. Dark and gloomy too. The only light was supplied by a tall floor lamp with a simple black frame and blue shade. My neck ached from being contorted for so long, and I winced when I forced myself unhappily away from Cas`s embrace. The other boy grumbled something in his sleep, arms reaching after me, flailing about for a few seconds before he too is awake and blinking in the dark room. He sits up slowly, swiping his palms across his eyes groggily. “There`s a light switch over there,” he said, still rubbing at his eyes, and making a sweeping gesture with one hand.

I look where he was pointing and see the white switch on the wall, right by the doorway. “I`ll get it,” I reply helpfully, getting to my feet somewhat unsteadily. I nearly trip over the fluffy corner of an upturned rug and curse at it, bewildered at just how it managed to get under my feet.

Cas laughs. “Eyes, Dean, try using them sometime.”

“Lights, Cas,” I counter childishly, pulling a face he probably didn`t even get to see. “Try switching them on yourself next time.”

Taking a second to prepare myself for the onslaught of blinding light, I flip the switch, blinking in the welcome, but painful brightness. Cas flinches, hissing at it like a vampire, even going so far as to pull his hoodie up and over his head, using it as a shield for his eyes. I laugh and take my seat next to him, gently tugging on the deep blue fabric, slowly working it out of his hands.

“There,” I smile, pressing a kiss to his temple. “That`s better. I can see your pretty face again.”

He returns the smile, but his face soon turns troubled. “Dean-“

“Not now. I don`t want to talk about it. Not tonight.”

He sighs, but nods reluctantly in agreement. “Not tonight. Tomorrow then.”

“Now here`s a wacky idea, and I`m just spit balling,” I start.

He nods, waiting for me to carry on. “You have a better idea?”

“How about we just never talk about it?” I laugh sarcastically, not stupid enough to think that was actually a viable solution to the awful situation at hand.

He chuckles once, humourlessly, half certain that I was joking, the other half knowing that I wasn`t. “That`s ridiculous. Of course we have to talk about it, and soon. You can`t stay here like this forever.”

Right. I sigh, averting my eyes from his concerned ones, choosing instead to examine the bare cream walls with feigned interest. “Course I can`t. You don`t want me either, right?”

“Dean!” He looks hurt, like a wounded baby kitten.

It was a cheap shot. Cheap, childish and totally not even remotely true. I knew it, but that was what I did. When I was hurting I lashed out with cruel and vicious words at whoever was nearby, even if all they were doing was trying to help. I never thought I would have done it to Cas though. I was ashamed. All he had ever done was treat me with the kindness, love and understanding I had secretly been desperate for. Here I was, an ungrateful brat throwing that sweetness back in his face. Maybe this was why everyone turned away from me?

“Dean, how can you even think that? I know we haven`t known each other long, but I would have hoped by now that you would have some idea of just how much you mean to me. For you to think that I-”

“I know, I know,” I groan, running a hand through sleep mussed hair. “I didn`t mean it. I`m just, this is just so hard. I`m sick of it. Of this. Of being let down again, of letting everyone done. I can`t do it anymore, man.”

He nods in understanding, but for the first time, I don`t think he did.

“I just need someone who won`t give up on me, even though they know how much of a fuck up I am. Someone who will stay right by me even if I screw it all up again. Which I probably will. I don`t want to grow to trust them and have them throw it back in my face.” Like my dad. I leave it unsaid, but the hurt words linger behind pursed lips, weighing down on both of us.

I wasn`t even aware I had said any of this aloud, until Cas is opening up his arms for me. He clearly wanted to comfort me, to be that person I had been waiting for, but long since given up on finding, but he wasn`t going to force that on me. It was entirely up to me. It was my choice, and that terrified me. I wasn`t all that good at making the right choice. These past weeks I thought for once I had been doing a pretty good job of it, but it still managed to all fall apart at my feet once again. Whose fault could it be but my own?

“It wasn`t supposed to be like this.”

I climb into his lap, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck, smiling sadly when his arms snake around my waist, pulling me right up against him. I`d been this close to him before of course, but this time it felt different. All the walls I built up high around myself were crumbling down into dust, and it worried me as much as it excited me. They had been steadily falling over the brief time spent with the older boy, but now I feared the final walls were breaking. I didn`t know how to react. Happy? Pleased that someone had finally came along who was willing to put up with all of my crap and love me regardless of my faults? Or frightened and on edge because that person knew all of my faults, all of my sins of the past few years?

“I`ll talk,” I say in a small voice, little more than a soft whisper. I could do this, it was Cas. He wouldn`t judge me. I don`t think he had it in him to really judge anyone.

He purses his chapped lips, then reaches out and strokes across the side of my face, fingertips ghostly silently across the tender flesh. His fingers travel lightly down the cheek and past my lips, before coming to rest on the back of my neck. He smiles at me hopefully and begins rubbing soothing circles on it. “If you want to,” he said. “I will always be here to listen.”

I really didn`t, but I knew I had to. Hadn`t I told John that I was no longer a child? Well now was the time to stop acting like one. Man up, Winchester. You can do this. It`s Cas, for Christ’s sake!

“I knew he wasn`t going to take it well,” I begin. “He`s a very traditional man, not religious, but old fashioned. His father was a very strict man, he was raised with a very firm idea of what kind of man he should be, and I suppose John kept that in mind when raising his own children,” I pause, but after a long minute of silence, go on. “When raising me. I guess I can kind of understand.”

“That doesn`t excuse the way he treated you. Lots of old fashioned people love and accept their children. He has no excuse.”

“No, I know. He`s the one in the wrong, not me. He`s always been the one in the wrong.” I say, and it finally dawns on me, after all these years. “I didn`t make him leave, I did nothing to chase him away.”

“And all this time you blamed yourself for him leaving.” He sounds annoyed, but not at me, which makes my heart do weird flippy things.

“Then I thought I should be ashamed of who I was, because I knew he would have a problem with it,” I explain, anger building. “So I tried to hide it, deny it. Make myself ignore it. It made me feel wrong, dirty. Like there was something wrong with me.”

“But there isn`t,” Cas pleads forcefully with me to believe, but I finally do.

“But there isn`t,” I agree. “I`ve spent all this time trying to earn his love, his attention, but I shouldn`t have to hide a part of myself away from him just to gain his acceptance. He should love me unconditionally. You know, like yo-“ I cut myself off, cheeks flaming red, ducking my head down into his chest as I attempt to hide my embarrassment from him.

Maybe he didn`t hear what I was about to say? Fat chance, considering I was so close to him. I chance a look up at him as soon as the burning in my face eases, and am surprised to see a hint of smugness and amusement hiding in his blue eyes. “I will love you, Dean. Unconditionally. Even if no one else will, which I seriously doubt, I still will.”

I nod, tongue frozen in the back of my throat, unable to speak.

“We`ll fix this, together,” he promises sincerely. He pushes me off, and I`m hurt, confused that his actions seemed to contradict his words.

“Come on, time for bed. It`s still the early hours of the morning and you need to rest.”

“Not sleepy,” I complain, much to my embarrassment, through a rather lengthy yawn. He laughs. “Okay, maybe a little, but I`m not moving. Don`t have the energy,” I change my tune, before sagging backwards on the sofa.

Cas chuckles deep in the back of his throat, a sound I had come to love. “Alright sleeping beauty, I`ve got you,” he smiles, bending down and scooping me up into his arms, displaying strength I wasn`t aware he had. “I won`t drop you, don`t look so panicked.”

I think he knew my surprised face had nothing to do with a fear of falling to the ground. “H-hey, Cas?”

“Mmm?” He hums, carrying me up the stairs with ease, even though I was taller than him and probably heavy.

He puts me down at the top of the stairs and pushes open the door to the spare room, revealing plain walls, a simple brown chest of drawers and a single bed. I try and probably fail to hide my disappointment, because he raises one eyebrow at me. “Yes?”

“I-I don`t want to be alone.”

…

It was as though a bomb had gone off in the living room at the Winchester`s home. Mary was screaming, cursing he ass of a husband, mascara smudged from her damp eyes. Sam was on Dean`s side too, yelling abuse at his father, ordering him to pick up the phone and apologise now. A shaking Adam was hiding behind the couch, having snuck down unnoticed. He was confused and scared. Where was his big brother? The angry boy had appeared out of nowhere one day, and now it seemed he had vanished. He`d never seen his parents so furious, even the usually chirpy Sam was screaming.

“I cannot believe you, John Winchester! Where is the man that I married? I had no idea that this was the kind of man you truly were,” his wife insults. “Treating your son like that. What gives you the right?”

“He-“

“No, I don`t want to hear it.” She glances at Sammy, then notices the stifled sobbing coming from behind the couch. “We don`t want to hear it,” she softens her voice. “I understand that you were shocked and I know that Dean didn`t handle things in the best way, but to say what you did, that is inexcusable. He is just a boy, John. A confused, mixed up, hurt little boy who needs his family right now. He needs his dad back in his life. Properly. You can`t be all chummy with him one minute when it suits you and discard him the next just because of something that quite frankly, is none of your business.”

John stands there frozen, eyes wide, mouth agape in astonishment. Kate never raised her voice or lost her calm, but right now she was red in the face with fury, body shaking.

“Calm down, think of the baby.”

She scoffs, but takes a series of deep breaths.

“And you wonder why poor Dean spent all that time thinking that you had replaced him with us,” Sam speaks up, rescuing his younger brother from behind the couch, throwing his arms around his small body. The floppy haired teen does his best to comfort the young child, but the embrace does little to calm him. He wanted the yelling to stop, for his big brother to come waltzing back in through the front door with a great big cheeky grin.

John and Kate turn to their eldest, horrified looks passing across their face, quickly replaced by guilt and understanding.

“That`s why he acted out at first,” Sam explains. “I can`t say I blame him. You left,” he shoots an accusing glare in his father`s direction. “And married someone new, settled down in a whole other country. Then he is shipped off here by his mother and is forced to live with the dad who left him, and the new wife and kids. His replacements. Is it any wonder he was pissed?”

John looks aghast. “I had no idea.”

Sam shakes his head, hair flopping everywhere. “No. You didn`t take the time to notice, to listen to him. Let him explain. You just expected him to suck it up and play happy families, because that was easier for you.”

Kate is crying again, and Sam feels bad. Seeing your parents cry was one of the worst things ever. Even worse was knowing you had something to do with it. “Not you,” he addresses her in a kinder tone. “Dean likes you, he tries not to, to hide it, but he does. I think, and I can`t be sure, but I think that you have there for him more than his own mother.”

Kate smiles her thanks at her son, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue pulled from her pocket.

Sam continues, desperate to get it through to John. “And Castiel has been there for him pretty much from day one. I don`t know how they found each other, but he makes Dean happy. You can see it in his eyes. Isn`t that a good thing? He helped Dean tremendously.”

Adam nods energetically, breaking away from Sam and stomping over to his dad. “Dean`s all happy now with his friend,” he pipes up. “His eyes aren`t as empty and sad anymore.”

“Dad, please, you have to call him. Tell him you didn`t mean what you said.”

“The boys are right, John.” Kate takes his hand. “Regardless of how you feel about it, your son needs you. If you do this you will never get him back again,” she warns sternly, knowing it was probably the best chance of getting through to the stubborn ass. “You really hurt that boy, and he somehow found it in his heart to forgive you for it. He`s a much braver person than a lot of the grown-ups I know, but you can`t ask him to do it again, because he won`t.”

The three wait in an anxious silence for his response, holding their breath.

“I don`t like it.”

“Too bad,” Sam mutters sarcastically, in a tone he rarely ever used, especially not with his dad. Kate hushes him, pulling both of her boys next to her, stroking Adam`s hair, her other hand resting on top of her bump.

“It`s not-“

“If you say that it isn`t normal, Winchester, then so help me God I will walk right out the door right now and find him myself. That kid is like a son to me, I love him as much as Sam or Adam, and I will not stand by and watch you break his heart again.”

“Dad, we can`t force you to accept it, or to call him, but we`re asking you to. Please? Dean needs you, he thinks you must hate him now.” Sam`s face falls. “You don`t, do you?”

A long pause, but the elder Winchester finally answers. “No.”


	35. Complicated

“Dammit, Cas!” I hiss. “It`s fricking cold in here.”

The bedroom was very plain, like a show house. The sky blue walls were clean and bare, the slightly darker curtains held back neatly in place with white curtain ties, and the bed was perfectly made. The entire room had an insane middle aged OCD neat freak feel to it, the complete opposite of the way I kept my own room back in America. My room at Kate`s had been a lot tidier, only because I had brought the bare minimum with me when I was exiled here.

The elder boy laughs at my complaints and scowling face, a deep throaty chuckle beginning in the back of his throat. It manages to take away some of the awkward tension that encircled us as we stand about shuffling our feet, glancing at each other out of the corner of our eyes like thirteen year old schoolgirls. The tidily arranged double bed stood there proudly, the promise of warm covers beckoning me over to it. Which side do I take? Left? Right? Do I sit down on the edge, or am I allowed to just collapse? It is only now that I realise just how a terrible idea this really was.

“Just get in, Dean. Honestly,” he smiles, fiddling with the curtain ties. “You are being ridiculous.”

Biting my lip, not risking looking his way and meeting those curious blue eyes of his, I crawl in, pulling the soft covers up to just under my chin. He climbs in next to me, adjusting his pillows before lying down completely. It was silent for a minute as we both get comfortable, the mattress putting up a few complaints before we finally settle. His left arm was stretched out for me to lie on, my head tucked into his chest, the steady rise and fall as he breathed calming me as I close my tired eyes.

I wake hours later, the weak midday sun trickling in through a crack in the curtains. The weather was quickly changing now, the days steadily getting shorter, the sun getting further away, deserting us. Beside me, dark hair spilling out onto the pillow, Cas sleeps on happily, soft snores escaping his parted lips. I smile, despite how crappy I really feel, and lay back down with him. He begins to stir shortly after, frowning when he sees my open eyes.

“You should have woken me,” he tells me.

“I didn`t have the heart to. You looked too cute,” I admit.

He looks confused, but breaks out into a smile. “Oh.” He leans in for a kiss, before my stomach grumbles, ruining the moment.

“Breakfast?” I ask hopefully.

He laughs. “Of course. I should have known that this situation wouldn’t have had any effect on your famous appetite.” He nudges me in the stomach playfully, before getting to his feet and leading me downstairs into the kitchen. “Toast and eggs alright? I think we might have some bacon in the fridge too, can you check?”

I do as I am told and dutifully open the fridge, searching around for a few seconds before pulling out an untouched pack of bacon, grinning victoriously. I throw it down proudly on the worktops, on top of a grey slate chopping board and begin the hunt for a knife to open the packet after trying unsuccessfully to open it.

“Here.” Cas hands me one fresh from the washing up bowl, pressing the black handle into my hand carefully. “Be careful,” he cautions with far too much seriousness than necessary.

“Chill. I`m fine. It`s just a little chopping knife.”

I place one hand on the packet, knife clutched tightly in the other and begin to slice through the plastic wrapping eagerly, looking forward to getting to eat it. My stomach agrees with me with a loud gurgle, and I finish cutting with a triumphant flourish. Maybe a little too triumphant, because I somehow wind up nicking the palm of my left hand with the edge of the blade.

“Great. Fucking brilliant,” I curse, throwing the knife down and inspecting the small wound, hissing as a small bead of ruby coloured blood trickles out.

“I warned you,” Cas scolds, abandoning the toaster to come and examine the cut. “It`s tiny. Plasters are in the draw, you big baby.”

I pull a face, and reassure him that I wouldn`t need one and go back to the bacon, placing a few slices in a frying pan.

“I`m sorry, I never wanted for you to get hurt.” It was obvious from his tone that he wasn`t referring to the insignificant cut on my hand. “I only wanted to keep you safe and happy, and I failed.”

“Shut up,” I snap, having enough of this. “It isn`t your fault, Cas. John`s just an ass. It`s got nothing to do with you.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Okay,” I retract. “Maybe it has got a little to do with you, but that is problem, not yours and not mine.”

Cas considers this for a minute, before asking me what I was going to do now. “I take it you are going to go home now?”

I frown, face contorted with confusion in the dark room.

“Back to Kansas? To your mother?” he tacks on.

“Oh.”

When was the last time I had thought of Kansas as home? Of my mom as anything other than a heartless traitor? I still kind of hated to admit it, and I did feel a grudging stab of guilt admitting it, but Kate had been more of a mother to me since I had arrived. A better, kinder woman that my real one. She had treated me softly, kindly, as though I was already a part of her family, smiled whenever she saw me and held me when I needed comfort. More than Mary had done for me in years. Ironically, the best thing she had done for me was probably shipping me off here. After all, it had crash landed me right into Cas`s path, and allowed me to finally get the answers I had unknowingly been searching for.

That world wasn`t home to me any longer. It hadn`t been for a long, long time.

So what would I do now? Where would I go? Both very good questions. Unless John had undergone a complete personality transplant, he had made it quite clear that I was unwanted in his home, despite how Kate and the boys felt. If this was a movie, one of those cheesy rom-coms Kate liked so much (god knows why) then the solution would be simple. I would stay here with Cas. He would look after me, make sure I was going to be alright, hold me and the sky would shit out cute little puppy dogs and rainbow unicorns as we began our happily ever after. I would never have to go back and face John again, or be sent back in shame to Mary, to be welcomed with crossed arms.

But this wasn`t a movie, and things weren`t going to be that easy. First off, I was going to have to face John again sometime. Like it or not he was my father, and he was responsible for me. Something I am sure he was as thrilled with as I was. Mary may have been a shitty excuse for a mom, but surely even she would begin to wonder eventually why John was no longer sending the occasional updates about my wellbeing. Cas and I were young, too young to be out in the big wide world all alone. I had no idea how he was doing it, or for how long he had been, but I was starting to have serious doubts about his vague explanations for his absent family.

Right now, I had limited options. One was go sulking back to the house, apologise and just hope John wouldn`t shoot me or something, or call mom, explain what has happened and she would probably get me booked in on the next flight out, after having a good old row with John on the phone. The third, and much more tempting offer was to crawl up in a ball in Cas`s lap and stay there until the next century. Or until John came to terms with things. Whichever came first.

“I don`t know what I`m going to do,” I confess fearfully. “I don`t think John is ever going to be okay with this, but if I contact mum, she`ll have me on the first flight outta here and-well, you know.”

The words go unsaid, but we both knew what I was too scared to admit. I`ll never see you again. I couldn`t live with that, I just couldn`t. The dark haired, blue eyed boy had become a life line to me. It was pathetically needy, but I wasn`t prepared to leave him, no matter how horrible things got here. He was the one good thing about my life, my own personal ray of sunshine.

“People would miss you if you left. Kate, Sam and Adam,” he pauses, glancing down at his hands, fiddling with a burnt bit of toast. “I would miss you as well.”

“I`m not going anywhere, Cas. I promised, didn`t I? That night on the beach. The first time you came and dragged me out of my house in the middle of the night.” I smile fondly at the memory. I had been terrified at first, until I had heard that gravelly voice and instantly felt safe just knowing he was there. “I swear you nearly gave me a heart attack!”

He doesn`t laugh or even smile like I had intended. Instead he sighs, a deep frown appearing on his handsome face as he absentmindedly spreads way too much butter on a new piece of toasted bread. “It wasn`t supposed to end up like this. I was supposed to protect you, spare you from any more hurt.”

“You have though.”

He scoffs. “Oh yeah, sure. You`re having a whale of a time right now, aren`t you?” he snaps, removing the bacon from the pan and plating up. In was no longer hungry.

“I let you down, like every else. I`m sorry you think I`m some kind of hero, someone to rely on, because I`m not. I was meant to help you, and in the end I fear I just made things a hundred times worse. Maybe I should never have-”

“Stop right there! Don`t be an idiot, Cas!” I growl. “If it wasn`t for you I`d still be acting like some kind of demon, drinking myself unconscious every weekend, living it up with my so called friends and failing all my classes. I had no future, I was wasting it. Throwing it away. Sure, I blamed dad for it, but that was just a stupid cop out. I see that now. You turned it all around for me, man. So don`t force me to listen to this crap about you letting me down or whatever. Because you didn`t. You`re the only one who never has,” I stress, grabbing him by the shoulders, slamming him against the kitchen counter.

“Dean, you did all of that on your own. I didn`t do it. I`m not the one who started working hard, or hanging out with your brother, or helping out around the house. That was all you. I didn`t fix you, Dean. You fixed yourself.”

I pull back, stunned by his words. I had never thought of it that way. Maybe he was right, in a way. It was pretty certain that had I not met him the fateful day on the beach, pissed off and lonely, I would never have become the man I was today. He had given me that push I needed to turn things around. No, he had made me want to turn it all around. He had made me want to be a better person.

So what would the new Dean do? The Dean that worked hard and helped out and was a good older brother. The Dean that Cas could be proud of. “What do I do now, Cas?”

“That`s up to you.”

…

“What have you done now, John?” Ellen asks, but it wasn`t really a question, more of an accusation. He was dressed in his sloppiest, oldest clothes, with dark circles and bags under his eyes, and the way he held his neck indicated an uncomfortable night of sleeping on the couch. All classic signals of screwing things up with your wife.

He grunts, taking a long sip of boiling hot coffee from a plain mug, the other hand clutching his aching head.

“Had a fight with Kate.”

Neither Ellen nor Bobby look at all surprised. “Well, believe it or not, but we kind of figured that out.”

John rolls his eyes at Bobby, who pulls a face back at him. “Sam isn’t happy with me either.”

Now this was a surprise. Sam was such a sweet boy, he always had been. The kind of kid you never had to remind to pack away his toys, or to be polite to his elders.

“What did you do?”

John shuffles uncomfortably in his seat, not meeting their eyes.

“What did you do, John?” Ellen repeats Bobby`s question sternly, in a voice that could surely reduce even a stubborn ass like John Winchester to complete honestly. She figured that if it could work on a strong willed young woman like Jo, then it would work on his sorry self.

“What about Dean?”

John shakes his head at Bobby. “He`s pissed at me too. We had a fight, a massive one,” he starts to explain, taking another swig, the hot liquid scorching the back of his throat. “He had this friend round, Castieel or something.” He shrugs like it wasn`t important. “Weird guy. Anyway, turns out that this friend isn`t a friend at all. He`s his boyfriend or something.”

Both of his long suffering friend nod, waiting for him to carry on. “Sounds sweet. God knows that poor kid could do with some more loving.” Ellen glares at John.

Bobby just look increasingly pissed off. “Carry on.”

John raises his arms in the air. “And what? I flipped out alright? I was in shock, my son comes right out and tells me he has a boyfriend, and not in the most delicate of ways, and I`m just supposed to sit back and take it?”

“Yes, you bloody well are,” Ellen snaps, actually reaching out and slapping him across the face harshly.

“How could you? That boy is your son, John. Maybe you should start treating him like one, instead of just leaving him behind for someone else to pick up the pieces all the damn time. Honestly, I`m disgusted with you. I can`t believe that this is the man that I`ve been friends with, went into business with. If you don`t patch things up with Dean soon, and grovel like a dog, then quite frankly, I want nothing more to do with you,” Bobby said coldly. “And if you refuse to be a man and treat your boy with the love and respect he deserves, then lose my number.”

“Bobby-“

“He`s right, John,” Ellen says a little softer. “Dean is your baby, he loves you, but sooner rather than later that love is going to run out if you keep acting this way. He`s forgiven you for leaving, but unless you do something soon, he ain`t never going to want to see your face again, and I don`t blame him.”

John storms out of Bobby`s house and gets into his car, slamming the door shut with a loud thud. This whole situation was ridiculous. He takes his phone from his front pocket, unlocking it. He browses through his contacts, before angrily throwing it down on the passenger seat.

…

“What do I do now, Cas?”

“That`s up to you.”

As if it had been fated to happen at that exact moment, my phone begins to ring, sitting abandoned on the arm of the couch where I had left it last night. The caller ID tells me who it was.

“What do I do?” I echo, chest tightening horribly.

I want to let it ring and ring, but a small, ridiculously hopeful part of me also wants to answer it and hear my dad`s voice. Hear him tell me that he had been stupid, that he wanted me home. To reassure me that of course I was still loved.

“Hello?” I answer hesitantly, holding my breath.

“Dean?” his voice is gruff, and I can almost taste my disappointment. “You weren`t in work today. I expect you back in tomorrow, bright and early.”

What was going on here?

“You err…you had some of the guys worried. Jody was at my throat all morning and Garth was being annoying, kept asking if you were sick. So you`ll be in tomorrow, got that?”

I nod, momentarily forgetting that he couldn`t see me. “Y-yes sir.” I hate myself for the slight tremor, for still wanting his approval, even now. I was still furious with him, but I was also just tired. I was sick of my life being a treacherous war zone, I just wanted a family. And I guess that was what family was. Not a cutesy, happy group with too big smiles like those corny movies, but this. Loving people even when they disappointed you. Hurt you, time and time again. Still caring, despite your best efforts, even when they gave you little reason to. Forgiving them, even when they didn`t deserve it.

“Yes dad, I`ll be there,” I reaffirm in a steadier voice.

On the other end of the line, John also nods, forgetting that it wouldn`t be seen. “Right. Good.” A long pause, and I wonder if he is even still there. “And…come home boy, Sammy is missing you something terrible.”

Before I can answer, he hangs up.

“Well,” Cas asks hesitantly. “How did it go?” He looks hopeful, but like he is trying not to be.

“Not bad, I think I can go home.”

“Do you want to go home?”

I sigh. Yes. No. Yes. “It`s complicated,” I admit. “I don`t, because he hasn`t even apologised to me, and I think I deserve one, but I`m also just sick of the fighting. I`ve been doing it all these years, and I`m just done. He`s never going to change, but that doesn`t mean I can`t, right?”

“You`re going to take this opportunity to be the bigger man?”

I nod. “Right. I`ve not forgiven him, but no good comes from hate and bitterness. I should know.”

“I`m proud of you, Dean.”

I blush, awkwardly playing with a loose flap of skin on my finger. “It`s because of you, ya know. I find myself constantly wanting to be a better person even since I met you. I don`t honestly know what I would do without you. Stupid, right?” I try to laugh it off.

He looks series again, conflicted. Like something was troubling him, something big.

“Cas? You aren`t going to leave me, are you?”

For the first time he doesn`t say anything, doesn`t reassure me.

“Cas?” My voice shakes. “Cas! You promised.”

“It`s complicated.”

I stare. “Then uncomplicate it,” I demand.

 

 


	36. Family

The older boy stood there with his head bowed, staring down at the ground with dull blue eyes that were missing their usual sparkle. He was uncomfortable and clearly anxious, and it showed in the way he was chewing on his chapped lower lip and twiddling his thumbs. Never had I felt as far away from him as I did right now, not even on our first random meeting on the lonely beach that disastrous afternoon. There was no hint of the usual joy and kindness on his face, he looked desperate and conflicted. Almost like a stranger.

“Cas?” my voice threatens to break, eyes dampening shamefully. He couldn`t be thinking about leaving me, he couldn`t abandon me just like that. He _couldn’t_. He of all people knew how badly that would hurt, how much that would screw me up. I wasn`t strong like him, I wouldn`t be able to cope all on my own.

He peers up at me from behind sorrowful eyes, lips parting as though he were about to speak, but quickly thinks better of it, slamming them shut again.

“Cas. Please man, you can`t just _leave_. I-I need you. I thought-I thought that you cared. That you l-“

“I do, Dean,” he stresses, obviously distressed. “I do care, and of course I love you, you fool. That isn`t what this is about.”

“Then what is it about?” I throw back at him, disappointed in myself for letting my hurt seep through under the guise of anger.

I sigh, running a hand through bed-messed hair. How had it gotten like this? And so quickly? Just last week things had been perfect. Wonderful. The best they had been in years. I was happy, genuinely happy. I had Cas, my wonderful boyfriend who knew how screwed up I was and somehow still found good parts to love. Sam was a brilliant younger brother, incredibly kind and supportive, and I was working alongside my dad at his garage, just like I had always pictured as a child.

He exhales loudly. “Family.”

I raise one eyebrow. “Family?” I repeat, sceptical. “You`re hiding something from me, Cas. I know you are,” I add quickly upon seeing him about to protest. “All this weird business with your invisible family, the missing father and two brothers who never visit, but secretly pay everything for you. It doesn`t add up. Not to mention the last time I dared to mention it you flipped out at me.”

He looks ashamed, still gnawing nervously on his bottom lip, but stays silent.

“I let it drop those times, because I get it. I really do. Sometimes you just don`t want to bare all your dirty little family secrets to a stranger, that`s fair enough. I mean, who would, right?” I continue, struggling to remain calm.

I manage, but I was growing frustrated, and he could tell. I loved him so much, but I didn`t understand why he insisted on keeping me in the dark about his past. I was no distant stranger, I was his best friend, his _boyfriend_. I had spilled my guts to him countless times, had I not proved my loyalty by now?

“I get that Cas, really I do, but I`m no stranger to you. I`m your freaking boyfriend. And sure, we haven`t known each other for long, but I feel closer to you then I ever have with anyone else. I thought you felt the same,” I said, hurt seeping into my voice. “I`ve trusted you with things I`d never dream of confessing to anyone else, not even Sammy. And you can`t even begin to tell me the first thing about your past, or family. I know virtually nothing about you that matters. Do you have any idea how that feels?”

His eyes are damp, shame written across his entire face. “Dean, if you are trying to imply that I don`t trust you, that couldn`t be further from the truth, because I do. Very much, but this isn`t a matter of trust. I am trying to protect you. If you knew the truth about my family, well…” he trails off hesitantly.

“Well?” I push, not meaning to snap at him, but I was tired of this. “What are you keeping from me?”

I adored him, but I knew I was being lied to, and while I had been prepared to let it slide before, I wasn`t any longer. I wasn`t asking for a whole meet the parents things, but I think that I deserved to at least know a little background, especially now he was acting all weird and maybe going to leave because of them.

Another sigh. “I didn`t want to make you angry, or upset you. Believe it or not, but I thought that I was doing right by not telling you. I should have known it was quite the opposite.”

I stare at him, and notice how different he looked. He looked tired, like he had been struggling against something for a very long time, and was failing. His once bright eyes were dark and pleading with me to drop it, but I couldn`t this time. This was something that wasn`t going to go away, and it needed resolving now. Either he trusted me, or he didn`t. I wasn`t prepared to lose him, and certainly not to some invisible family he clearly had issues with. He had helped me with mine, put up with all the crap that came with my own dysfunctional family, it was only right that I did the same for him.

“I know there is something you`ve been keeping from me, Cas. Since that day on the beach when you did a runner, I`ve known,” I tell him, thinking back.

Sam and Adam had been confused, and even thought that I had been lying to them about meeting a friend. They both teased me a little, but Sam had tried to comfort me, but Adam only pestered me even further, going as far as to ask if I was sure that I hadn`t been imagining the older boy. A horrible thought crosses my mind, but only for a minute, because I quickly burry it deep down at the back of my mind, behind a ton of other crap I had labelled “do not disturb” many years ago.

“I`m sorry. I didn`t mean to-” he groans, cutting himself off and throwing his head back, tugging roughly on his dark, scruffy hair in frustration. “I can`t tell you everything,” he starts slowly, eyeing me hesitantly.

I nod, allowing him to go on, partially dreading whatever it was he was finally going to admit.

“I come from a very large, very religious family. I have a lot of siblings. Gabriel and Balthazar were the ones I was closest to growing up, even if they did constantly pull pranks on me. Idiots,” he smiles in spite of his words at some long passed memory. “But I had a lot of others, like Anna and Naomi. Anyway, so lots of brothers and sisters. Like I said before, Gabriel and Balthazar were the oldest,” he frowns and adds on, “well, unless you count Raphael, but he had moved out by the time I was six or seven.”

“Raphael?” I raise an eyebrow. Like the Ninja Turtle? “Exactly how many brothers have you got, and do they all have weird ass names?”

He smiles briefly and nods, then his face turns serious again. “I told you I come from a large family. Super religious folk aren`t exactly all gung ho about using birth control, so it’s only to be expected,” he continues to explain. “So dad left, but he was never really home all that much anyway, so it didn`t really sink in for a while. Gabriel and Balthazar looked after me, taught me how to look after myself, made sure I did my homework and ate my vegetables. But in such a large family there was bound to be some kind of conflict, and let’s just say that some members didn’t approve of a lot of things about myself, or my older brothers, and eventually they both left, making sure to keep providing for me, of course. By that time I was almost old enough to get out of that house, so I did and never looked back.”

I nod along, things not really becoming clearer, but I was just appreciative of the fact that he was now trusting me with this heavily guarded information. It didn`t sound exactly fun, but hardly the giant shitstorm I had been imagining based on how cagey and secretive he had been.

“So why are you letting this bother you now?”

Another groan. “Dean, I told you-“

“Cas, just this one more thing. I deserve to know, especially if you are thinking about leaving because of it.”

He frowns, eyebrows knitting together, but I could see the grudging acceptance in his eyes. “Alright,” he nods in agreement, tongue slipping out to wet his lips. he takes a deep breath. “They`re looking for me.”

My eyes bug out. “I`m sorry, what?”

“My family,” he clarifies for me. “Well not all of them, actually, but some of them. They are searching for me. I suppose what with the holiday season fast approaching they think now would be the right time to fix past wrongs or what have you, and get the family back together,” he rolls his eyes, a very unexpected move from the blue eyed boy.

“But like, what`s the problem? You`re an adult, so it`s not like they can drag you back home kicking and screaming or anything. They can`t force you to go anywhere,” I smile, taking hold of his clenched hand and squeeze it gently. “So you don`t have to leave me.”

He forces himself to return the smile, but it doesn`t meet his eyes and I can see something was still bothering him. “You of all people should know it isn`t that easy, Dean. I might not want to go back to that place, but they are family. And-and I didn`t go about things in the best way. I just ran off one day, they have every right to be unhappy with me.”

“So you want to make things right?” I guess and he nods. “Well that`s not so bad. You could spend Christmas with them, stay a few days then leave and promise to stay in touch. Whatever happened in the past is surely all water under the bridge by now, I`m sure that they`re just worried about you and want to see you are ok.”

When had I turned into such an Oli Optimist? I shake it off and press a kiss to his cheek. His shoulders remain tense, but his lips curve up into the smallest smile.

“Thank you, but I don`t think it will be quite that simple. Not with my family.”

 


	37. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there guys! I am sorry this has taken so long, but I`m sure you can understand how hectic this past month has been. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season, whatever you celebrate, and that your new year is filled with happiness, love and brilliant opportunities for you all xx

Cas pulls his shiny black death trap of a bike to a stop a few houses away from my own, wary of being seen, and cuts the engine. Slowly I untangle my arms from around his middle, unhappy at the thought of pulling away from his warmth. Summer now seemed much more like a pleasant, but very distant memory now, a lifetime away when compared to the bleak, chilly night that enveloped us. Cas swings his right leg over the other side of the bike and hops off ready to walk me to my gate. His actions were kind and very welcomed, but I couldn`t help but wonder if he was escorting me because he half feared I would do a runner if he didn`t. He would have been wrong, I had learnt that fateful day that running away never solved anything. You just kept dragging your problems along behind you.

“So,” he pauses, unsure of what to say, a feeling I knew only too well. I often struggled to find the right words for the situation, and more often than not, even after careful consideration, it always seemed to come out wrong. “You`re home.”

I nod. “I guess, yeah.” We come to a halt directly outside of the garden gate, looking anywhere but at the beautifully presented house in front of us. He opts to stare directly at me, while I choose to lower my own gaze to his knees, hesitant to meet his eyes after everything that had happened recently.

“I bet Sam and Adam will be relieved to have you back,” he tries to break the silence with small talk. “John obviously calmed down.”

“More like they broke him down,” I sigh deeply, a misty cloud of breath forming in front of me, visible for only a moment before fading away into the darkness of the night. Cas looks concerned, but stay quiet. “I don`t even care anymore. I just want him to love me, but I`m not going to hide who I am anymore, and I`m certainly not going to apologise for it.”

“You shouldn’t ever have to do that.”

“But I’ve also just had enough of the fighting, you know? So we aren`t the perfect family, and I`m far from being the perfect little son he always wanted, but tough. I`m my own person and he can like it, or he can lump it.” My words were brave, but I felt anything but. My legs were trembling, hands clenched together so tightly my nails left deep white crescents in the tender flesh.

“He called you earlier, he was worried about you. He felt horrible about the way he acted, I could tell.”

I glance over the gate at the house. The lights were all off bar from one small lamp in the living room, and someone, probably Kate had left the security light on in the yard for me coming home. It was a lovely gesture, and she would never know how much I appreciated it. That one simple thing made me feel as though I was still wanted, and all because she had done something as insignificant as leave the light on for me coming home. I doubt my real mother would have bothered to think about something like that.

“Well I guess it`s now or never, huh?” I choke out a laugh, but the sound comes out croaky and tight. I was scared shitless, and Cas must have known it because he wrapped his arms around me tightly, pulling me in for a brief, but reassuring kiss on the forehead. The briefest meeting of skin, and not even on the lips, but it gave me the strength to push open that damn gate, march down the path, looking far more confident than I felt, and open the front door, which unusually, had been left unlocked. I wave goodbye to Cas, who was still standing there, with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, smiling and mouthing comforting messages of love. Without looking back again, I step hesitantly through the opening, hearing his bike roar to life as I gently close the door with a soft click of the lock.

“I`m back,” I call out shakily, half expecting to be pounced on, grabbed by the back of the neck and hurled out of the house on my ass. Nothing happens. “I-I`m back,” I repeat in a marginally less timid voice and tread carefully on my way into the living room, the only room with any light. It was late, so it was entirely likely that nobody was still awake, but I should at least switch the light off. I push open the living room door and freeze at what I see.

Sprawled across the couch was the slumbering forms of my two younger brothers and a very large looking Kate, who had Adam`s head resting on her lap and a hand on top of his head, as though she had fallen asleep stroking his hair to comfort him. Each of their closed eyes were red and puffy, the remnants of tears clinging to their eyelashes like raindrops. Kate and Sam`s phones were both sat out on the table in front of them as though they were anxious to receive a call. My call.

I had no idea they cared so much. It shocks me, brings a tear to my eye and a solid lump to the back of my throat that I felt certain was my cold, stone heart. A deep cough behind me startles me, pulling me out of my thoughts with a jump. I can`t turn around to face him at first, and don`t until he coughs again, louder this time.

My first thought was not of anger, or fear, but of surprise. He looked simply horrible. Starting at his bare feet I glance upwards, wide eyes taking in the state of his dirty checked pyjama bottoms that had been a birthday gift from Sam and Adam, his crumpled t shirt, unshaven face and pained eyes. He looked like he hadn`t slept a wink since I had stormed out, and under his right eye looked a little red, as though he had been slapped roughly by someone in a fit of anger. I felt bad thinking that he probably deserved it, but he did.

“Dean,” he chokes out, and in the silence of the room, it echoed loudly in my ears. “You`re safe.”

I almost wanted to snap out a “yeah? Well, it`s no thanks to you”, but I wisely hold it in, having no desire to start another argument.

He seems to notice the conflict in my face and sighs, running a large hand through his unity hair. “I thought well, I didn`t know what to think. But you are safe now, you`re home. And we can put this, _all_ of this,” he stresses, “behind us.”

I fold my arms across my chest and shake my head. “No, dad, we can`t. We don`t have to talk about it, and I certainly don`t expect you to skip around parading around a freaking rainbow banner, singing Lady Gaga tunes, but I am not about to hide this part of me, pretend that Cas doesn`t exist, that he doesn`t make me happy. I`m not going to be ashamed of who I am anymore, and if you want to think I`m less of a man because of this, then you can, but I refuse to anymore, because I`m not.”

Shocked wasn`t a strong enough word to describe the stunned look on his tired face, but I was too tired to think of a better one. His eyes narrow and he nods slowly. “Alright, alright, Dean, I get it. I was too harsh on you, I know.”

“Yeah, you were.”

He flinches at the tone, but I hold my ground.

“I know I`ve made mistakes, that I`m not the perfect father, and I know that I`ve screwed things up.”

Was he…trying to apologise? Maybe I wasn`t the only one who had grown over this past few months.

“Anyway, it`s late and we have work in the morning. Bright and early, Dean.”

Scratch that last part.

I switch the light off and am about to make my way upstairs when a calloused hand claps me on the shoulder. “Oh and son?”

I nod.

“Kate and the boys really missed you, so don`t be pulling any stunts like that again, you hear?”

Well, it was almost an apology at least. He was learning.

 

 


	38. Awkward

The first day back in the house was weird. Awkward. More than a little uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as dealing with a constant, niggling toothache, or the discomfort I experienced when I was six and broke my wrist falling off of one of the amusement rides at the seaside, but pretty damn unpleasant and awkward all the same. Although I was as stealthy as a ninja now, that hadn`t always been the case. As a kid I had been a bit of an accident on legs just looking for inanimate objects (or thin air) to trip over.

The pain of the initial break hadn`t even the worst part, that faded with regular doses of disgusting, fruit flavoured medicine (I swear the Calpol guys have never in their entire lives tasted anything that even remotely resembled a blackcurrant or an orange) but the most horrendous part of the whole sorry experience was being unable to use that arm to do anything for what felt like years. The bright green cast prevented me from doing anything I wanted to, cursing me to a summer of boredom. I couldn`t go swimming because I wasn`t allowed to get it wet, even though the sun that year had decided to really turn up the heat, as if to mock my ill-timed injury, I could no longer play outside with any of my friends, because mum was too worried about me tripping and injuring myself further. Worse still was when it was beginning to heal and itch like I had massive fire ants burrowing under the skin, the green cast I had quickly learned to hate blocking me from being able to relive the itch.

So no, the awkwardness of being back in the house wasn`t exactly fun, but it wasn`t half as bad as the horrendous summer of hellish boredom. The alarm on my phone screeches at me to wake up, lighting up and blinking at me as the speakers blast out a too cheery little tune. After Kate had complained a few weeks about not wanting to be woken up by classic rock every morning, I had grudgingly changed it. I probably wouldn`t have if she wasn`t so heavily pregnant. Her belly had seemingly sprung from nowhere, the way weeds do, and now she was looking a lot like a balloon about to pop at any second. Reluctantly, I sit up, switching the alarm off and swing my legs over the side of the bed, the duvet tangling around them in a last ditch attempt to get me to stay and keep it company. I grab a few things and tiptoe across the hall, push open the bathroom door that had been left half open, and switch the shower on. I wash in a hurry, urging my sleepy brain to let Kate now that we were nearly out of shampoo, and dress even faster, the chill of the early morning already starting to attack me.

So far so good. I`d been able to successfully avoid bumping into John, something I feared was about to change when I went downstairs. I was starting to hear movement downstairs, Kate or John must have dragged a groggy Sam and Adam out of bed while I was in the shower. I hesitate at the top of the staircase, dawdling for as long as I thought I could get away with, but eventually I knew that I would have to face the music.

“Err…Hey.”

Nice one, Dean. Way to go. Excellent.

“Morning darling,” Kate smiles welcomingly, like recent events had never happened, or were at least a long ago memory. She was sat at the table sipping a glass of water with fruit in the bottom, her other hand resting protectively over her very noticeable bump. “Sleep well?”

I shrug. “I guess.”

She beams at me, apologising for not getting up, but apparently the little munchkin was being particularly active this morning. She was off today, and dressed simply in loose pants and an old cotton shirt for comfort. It can`t be easy lugging all that extra weight around with you. John was cooking today, nothing fancy like Kate, so it was a good thing we all liked toast and egg. He pauses when he sees me standing in the doorway, before flashing me an uncertain, but what I thought was also a genuine smile, before piling on another mountain of golden bread onto everyone`s plates.

“Pull up a seat and I`ll put you some toast on. Eggs?”

I shake my head, declining his offer wordlessly and sit down next to Sam, who seems to be the happiest to see me, if the way he practically catapults himself into my lap was anything to go by. Adam smiles toothily at me from across the table, gently kicking my leg with his much smaller foot. Dad brings me over a plate stacked high with six pieces of buttered toast a few minutes later, before going off the finish getting ready.

“Hurry up and eat,” he orders before exiting the room. “I want to be out of here before half past.”

I wave goodbye to Kate, before she pulls me in for a clumsy, but comforting hug. It was odd, trying to hold onto her around the bump, taking care not to crush it. I make awkward conversation with her about the brat while waiting for John, which she seems surprised by, but happy with. “I start my maternity leave next week,” she said with a deep sigh of relief and a gentle pat to her belly. “With Sam and Adam I kept on working nearly until I was ready to pop, but this little monster is just draining me. Must be getting old,” she giggles at herself, with another affectionate smile aimed at the bump. When I let go of her I could have sworn I felt something moving underneath the stretched flesh, but it was probably nothing. Nothing to get all excited and emotional about anyway.

Adam and Sam both hug me goodbye, before Kate tells them to hurry up and finish getting ready for the last day of the school week. Dad finally comes back downstairs, dressed in freshly washed (but still stubbornly oil stained) clothes and we leave for work. The drive there was silent, he wasn`t even playing any music, and I shifted about in my seat uncomfortably until we pulled up outside the garage. The ten minute drive had somehow morphed into a ten hour one, and it hadn`t been fun. We get out and let ourselves in, joined a few minutes later by the others, who seem happy to have me back.

Jody pulls me in for a bone crushing hug, ignoring my protests, as does Garth, who asks me where I`d been for the previous couple of shifts. John glances over at me curiously, and I turn away, telling them I had been unwell, wondering how much John had told them, if anything at all. It wasn`t a full lie, which eased the heavy weight on my conscience a little. On the day I told dad, I had taken the day off because of a headache, and I had felt shitty ever since.

“Well whatever the reason, it`s good to have you back,” Jody smiles at me like she knows, and I wonder if she did. She and John seemed to be close, despite their near constant teasing. “We all missed you round here, the place just wasn`t the same.”

Business had been god recently, so it was an all hands on deck situation, which was fine by me, because it meant I didn`t have much chance to dwell on what had been going on at home. I could just throw myself into my work and push everything else to one side for the time being. John seemed to appreciate it too, and he doesn`t bring it up again, not even on our lunch break or the car ride home.

…

“Does everything taste alright?”

We were all sat around the table digging into a rice, chicken and vegetable meal that actually tasted a hell of a lot better than it looked. Turns out I didn`t actually hate all green, leafy things resembling vegetables, it was only when my mum tried and failed to pass of soggy, overcooked carrots and peas as edible that I hated them.

“How is Castiel doing? Have you heard from him today?”

Dad drops his fork down onto his plate loudly, and turns away, but blessedly manages to stay quiet, although his jaw was twitching like he wanted to say something. Sam glances over at me anxiously, and presses his large hand over my own and squeezes it reassuringly. Adam didn`t seem to notice, and was still happily loading his spoon up with green peas, carrot and chicken, ignoring the parts he didn`t like.

I freeze with my own fork halfway towards my open mouth. Oh god. Here we go again. What to do? What to say? Perhaps it would be wisest to say nothing, but then it would seem like I was going back on my word, like I was ashamed. “Cas is fine. I`ve not heard from him today.” Yet. I was still planning on out nightly meetings on the beach, no matter how exhausted I was.

Kate nods and smiles. “Are you going to invite him over here again sometime soon? I`d love to see him again. He seems like such a lovely young man. We would love to have him over again, wouldn`t we guys?”

John looks like he would love nothing more than to disagree, but simply takes another bite of chicken and grunts in reluctant agreement. Sam nods enthusiastically, like a puppy being told it was being taken on a walk, and Adam chirps in his agreement, before returning his attention to his messy plate.

“Then it`s settled,” Kate announces. “Invite him over this weekend.” Seeing my look of horror, but ignoring Johns she continues, “don`t worry, Dean, I`m not going to be interfering and watching you like a hawk, asking a million and one questions or anything like that,” she giggles. “I just think it would be nice for you to see him and it would be lovely for us all to get to know him a little better, because he is obviously very important to you and we want to be supportive of that.” She nudges her husband`s leg under the table, before narrowing her eyes at him. “Don`t we, John?” She presses sternly, and he nods once.

I tell Cas about all of this later that night, leaving out the part about having to spend ages helping pick up green peas from the floor before they got trod on. Thank you Adam! We were sat on the cool sand, a checked blanket laid out to protect us from getting caked in it. We still would, somehow, but that was half the fun. Cas`s head was on my shoulder, my arm around his waist and we were just chatting about nothing in particular. It was good, it was really good. I can`t really explain it, but being with him made me feel safe, cared for, and needed, like I was something precious to him he couldn`t afford to lose. I`d never felt like this before, and I never wanted to let go of these feelings. It would hurt too much.

“I finally got a new phone,” he tells me, pulling out a black cell that was most definitely not new. It was eight years old at least, and it actually flipped open. I would be surprised if he could even connect to the internet with that old relic.

Seeing my face he shrugs. “Well I say new, but I just bought it because my old one couldn`t be fixed. I didn`t really have the money for the repairs and I didn`t want to ask my brothers for it. They wouldn`t have minded, but they`ve done enough for me already.” I smile, that made sense. It was just so Cas. “This means that I can text you now though,” he grins and hands the outdated device to me. I open up his contacts, not even surprised by now at the lack of numbers he had added, and key in my own, briefly wondering if I should add in a cheesy heart or smiley face. I think better of it, thankfully not giving into yet another teen movie cliché. I send a quick text to my own phone, and save the new contact. This time, I might have added a small heart next to his name.

“Done.” I hand him back his dinosaur aged phone, which he pockets with a grateful smile.

“You should feel honoured, I don`t make a habit of giving people my number.”

I think back to his sparse contacts list. “Yeah, I kinda noticed,” I tell him. “You worried about spam or something?”

He looks confused momentarily, before covering it with a smile. “Nah, I just don`t have a lot of people I want to stay in touch with. You, Gabriel and Balthazar, although I admit a lot of the time I don`t even want to contact them.”

“Not even another friend? Or an ex or something?”

He frowns. “No, I don`t have any other friends, not really. Or an ex.” My eyes widen. “You mean I`m your first relationship, with anyone? Guy or girl?”

He turns away, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Yes, I`m-I`ve never…”he sighs. “Is that a problem?” he questions hesitantly.

“No,” I smile, kissing his cheek. “I love you, Cas.”

“And I you.”

“Does this mean I get to tease you a bit though?” He glares, but there was no heat behind it, only the kind of adoration that made my knees weaken and chest tighten. “Don`t you dare,” he threatens.”

I pout, before launching myself at him, coordinating a surprise tickle attack. He shrieks, struggling and squirming in my grasp, before I eventually take pity on him and stop, but refuse to let him go. We were both out of breath, panting heavily, but smiling. He rolls his eyes at the sloppy grin on my face, and grumbles when I press a wet, slobbery kiss to his cheek.

“Have you heard any more from your family?” I ask.

His smile vanishes. “Gabriel called the other day to see how I was. I told him about you briefly, I hope that’s ok?”

“Sure thing, Cas. It`s fine.” To my surprise, I meant it. No more hiding.

“He was happy for me.”

“That`s great and all, but you know that isn`t what I meant.”

He sighs, running a hand through his messy hair, tugging roughly on the ends. “They`re looking for me. Calling me. Naomi and Raphael and god knows who else. I have no idea how they got hold of my number, I`d like to believe that Gabriel and Balthazar wouldn`t have blabbed, but they did always have big mouths,” he sighs again. “I don`t know what I`m going to do if I see them again.”

“You don`t want to, do you?”

Another groan. “It`s complicated.”

“Oh course it`s complicated. It`s family. When`s that ever simple?”

 


	39. Anxious

To say I was anxious about dinner tonight was the understatement of the century. My family. And me. Plus Cas. Together. Locked in the same room. It sounded like something from the beginning of an epic, but horribly bloody disaster movie. John had been huffing and puffing since he woke up at nine o clock this morning, when he shuffled into the kitchen still wearing his checked sleep pants and a scowl to rival my own. He had acknowledged mine and the boy`s presence, but only just, with a slight nod of the head and an unintelligible grunt. Adam didn`t seem to have noticed, and kept happily overloading his customized Scooby Doo spoon up with wholegrain O shaped cereal, jamming it into the matching plastic bowl overeagerly, spilling the milk. Sam dutifully mops up the milk dribbles with a sleepy smile, before taking another loud gulp of his orange juice.

Kate, on the other hand, was wonderful, but I hadn`t expected anything less from her. By the time she waddles in, the breakfast was long eaten, the plates forming a small, soapy mountain in the sink. Sam had done that thing where you leave them in to soak, knowing fine well you would neglect to return to them later, so someone else would have to clean them. Chances are it would be me, I was just itching for something to do to take my mind off of this evening. Even a mundane chore like washing the dirty dishes seemed appealing to me right now.

“Where`s John?” she asks me in-between small sips of still water, hand on her ballooning stomach.

Why the hell girls put themselves through this pregnancy crap was a complete mystery to me. For weeks she had been looking more and more exhausted, barely managing to get a decent sleep, and was a change of address away from making the toilet her new home. We had all been taking over the majority of the housework, which she had protested at first, but now she normally let us get on with it. This morning Kate looked even more shattered than usual, her hair was loosely contained in a sloppy bun, with half of it trailing down her neck, or tickling her cheeks, and although she was smiling merrily at her, her eyes were missing some of their usual shine. With a yawn, she places her glass down with a soft clinking sound and leans back on her seat with a groan.

“Are you sure you want to do this dinner thing tonight?” I ask, which she replies to with a confused smile.

“Of course, honey. I`m so looking forward to meeting your Castiel again. I`ll be right as rain after a little sit down and a light snack,” she tries her best to assure me, but I was still far from convinced.

It wasn`t just because I was dreading tonight, even though I had to admit that the thought of John and Cas being in the same room again together didn`t exactly fill me with fluffy bunny feelings. I was genuinely concerned about her. Kate had been so good to me, treated me like one of her own, despite how awfully I had acted when I first arrived. I was nothing to her, she could have easily dismissed me as nothing but an inconvenience, but she didn`t.

“Are you sure? Cas would understand, trust me. I can call him and rearrange it for a better time.”

She smiles again, brighter this time. “I`m sure he would, darling, but I`m fine. Just a little tired.” She shakes her head lovingly at her swelling bump, patting it gently. “This little munchkin is just giving me a bit of a hard time at the minute, he or she is so desperate to get out and meet everyone.” She pats me gently on the knee. “Now go and see what your menace of a father is up to. Remind him about what I said about giving him the snip a while ago. That should keep him on his best behaviour for tonight,” she jokes, making two of her fingers into a pair of scissors, mimicking cutting something in the air above the table.

I find John outside cleaning the car, taking advantage of the sun while we still had it. It was much weaker now, you could tell that the cooler months were well and truly on their way. Already the shops had glittery Christmas decorations in the shops, and were lowering their prices on big toys and fancy electrical appliances and beauty gifts. Adam had already written out his list for Santa, and re-written it a further six times, getting lengthier each time. Sam was far too old to believe in the Christmas magic anymore, but he and I still helped him look through toy shop catalogues, and made practice batches of cookies and mince pies with him, so that the ones he put out on Christmas Eve would be the best ones the fat man in the red suit had ever tasted. Sam even taught him how to make cut out paper snowflakes, from a tutorial he found on the internet, which Adam then excitedly sprinkled with copious amounts of silver glitter.

John looks up when he hears me approach, dumping his cloth into the orange bucket of soapy water by his feet. “Alright?” he calls, seeming to be in a much better mood than he had been earlier at breakfast.

“Yeah,” I reply, not knowing what else to say.

“Good,” he said, a little awkwardly. “Sam was supposed to be helping me, but he swanned of to that girlfriend`s house. So grab a sponge from the shed and come help.” He reaches to retrieve his cloth from the bucket, then freezes. “You know, if you want.”

“Why wouldn`t I?” I ask cockily, raising an eyebrow. If he thought that just because I was dating Cas, that suddenly made me into the kind of guy who didn`t know his brakes from his exhaust, he had another thing coming.

John shrugs and starts gently scrubbing dirt from the passenger side door. “I dunno,” he admits gruffly, “just thought that after, well, after everything, you might not want to help out your old man.”

And I thought that maybe after you found out, you wouldn`t want to be my old man anymore. I sigh, and don`t say it, insides too jumbled up already to risk another fight.

“Just because I`m dating a guy doesn`t mean I`m a different person, you know. I`m still Dean,” I tell him stubbornly, going off to find a sponge in the unorganised mess that was out garden shed.

I have to climb over half used tins of paint, old tools, several deflated footballs and even an old, slightly dented swing ball playset before I can find a clean sponge that wasn`t splattered with beige or red paint, or god knows what else. When I return to him five minutes later, John had already moved on to the windshield. He looks up, doing his best to hide his surprise, and grins. “You know where the bucket is.”

I dip the yellow sponge into the foam-covered liquid and beginning working it in slow circles across the body of the car, carefully washing away the dirt until it shined. We work quietly for a while, occasionally making the odd comment on the weather or the menacing pigeons that seemed to favour crapping on his windows rather than anywhere else. John takes a breather somewhere between the bird crap conversation and the next one about the state of the roads, and leans against the garden gate.

“Dean?” he begins hesitantly.

I don`t look up, too preoccupied with a stubborn speck of grime on one of the back wheels. I hum to let him know I wasn`t ignoring him.

“I didn`t mean anything by it earlier, I know you`re still Dean. It`s just…hard to get your head round. Know what I mean?”

Unfortunately, I did. How long had I spent in denial, not even aware I was, because of how deep it ran, because I was too scared, too ashamed? I had point blank refused to talk about it with anyone, or even think about it in case I didn`t like what I discovered. For years I had hidden who I was, even from myself, because I stupidly believed that being attracted to guys as well as girls somehow made me different. Weak. Uncool. Wrong.

“It was a shock to me as well,” I confess, still rubbing at the patch of muck. “But I`m still the same person. I still like cars, and classic rock and have no urges to suddenly join a show choir. I`m still just Dean. This is just another part of it.”

“Right,” he nods sharply and picks up his cleaning cloth again, and I knew that was the conversation over, for now at least. But, I think to myself with a tiny smile, this was progress at least.

By the time the Impala was spotless, gleaming like a show car, it was lunch time. Kate had nodded off on the sofa, so I put some hamburgers on, three for me and one for Adam. Dad had gone out to see Bobby, and Sam was still with Jess, so I afterwards I sit downstairs with Adam and build Lego houses with him for an hour or so. Kate awakens to see us sat on the floor, colourful plastic bricks sprawled out around us and waddles into the kitchen to start preparing for dinner. I offer to help her peel and chop the vegetables, but she declines with a smile, telling me that I should go shower and get into clean clothes. After taking a cautious whiff of my armpits and a look at my manky clothes, I agree that maybe that would be a better plan.

The warm water does little to help calm my nerves, or to loosen the tight knot in my stomach, but it does feel good to wash away the layer of sweat and grime from cleaning the car earlier. I pad across the hallway wrapped up in a fluffy white towel, and was still wearing it fifteen minutes later, surrounded by a lopsided piled of clothes torn from my chest of drawers.

“This is hopeless!” I groan, rubbing the back of my neck with one hand. “I have nothing to wear.”

Great. Seemed like I was also turning into a teenage girl. Fantastic. I knew Cas wouldn’t really care what I wore, but this was big and I wanted to look nice. Not like I`d tried too hard, but as though I hadn`t just thrown on whatever shirt and jeans were clean like I usually did.

“What`s with all the yelling?” Sam pokes his head round, fake screaming at the sight of me wearing only a large bath towel wrapped round my waist. Upon doing a quick scan of the room and noticing the clothes stampede, he rolls his eyes. “You are hopeless, truly hopeless.”

“Yeah, whatever,” I snap. “You gonna help me or not?”

He chuckles. “Aren`t gay guys supposed to be good at this sort of thing?” he teases, but looks over at me with a look that let me know he was only messing around.

“Yeah, well, maybe,” I say, holding a grey shirt up to myself, but quickly throw it down with all the other rejects. “But I`m not gay.”

He shrugs. “Bisexual then. Either way, as long as I don`t have to see you mackin` on Cas, I`m happy for you. It`s about time you had something good you can be happy about.”

A further fifteen minutes later, and with Sam`s much needed help, I`m dressed in a newish pair of straight legged, dark blue jeans (with no rips!) a long-sleeved black, Metallica shirt and black boots with the laces neatly tied. Sam knocks on the door and I tell him that it is safe to come in, that I was decent, and he re-enters the bedroom with a smile, hiding a small, tidily wrapped package behind his back.

“Here,” he throws me the package, which I catch easily with one hand. “This is for you. It was supposed to be for Christmas-“

“You`ve already started your Christmas shopping?” I ask, horrified and a little impressed. Kid was more organised than I was at his age. Heck, even now he had me beat.

“Actually, I`m nearly done,” he boasts. “But anyway, I know how nervous you are,” he pauses, waiting for me to try and deny it, but I don’t, so he continues. “So I just thought you might like it now.”

I stare at the small gift in my hand, curiously poking at the crinkly red tissue paper gingerly. Far too small to be clothes, books, DVDs or any of the usual things.

“Go ahead,” he insists, “open it.”

No need to tell me twice. I ease open the paper carefully. Usually I would just rip into it, too eager to see what it was, but this gift from Sam was tiny, and possibly delicate, and I would hate to damage it. The younger boy was biting his lip, fiddling awkwardly with a soft strand of dark hair, as he waited nervously to see my reaction. With the tissue paper finally loosened enough, I lift the parcel up in one hand and tip out the contents into the palm of the other. A necklace pops out, and I stare at it as I try to work out what it was supposed to be that was on it.

“It`s not much, but I saw it in one of the little gift shops ages ago and I thought you might like it. But if you don`t-“

“Sam, I love it. Thank you,” I smile, before tugging the black cord over my neck, letting the golden amulet hang down over my chest.

There is a sudden knock at the door that makes me jump out of my skin.

Sam grins. “Something tells me your date for the evening has arrived.”

I scowl and tell him to sod off, before pushing him out of the way, racing him downstairs. No way in hell was he reaching the front door before me. God only knows what he would say if left alone with Cas, even for a second.

“Cas! Hey!” I pull open the door and greet him a little too eagerly, pulling him in for an awkward, one armed hug. The other arm was in use, firmly holding an excitable smug Sam and Adam back from the door. “Come in.”

He smiles and nods, shrugging off his coat. He wasn`t wearing his blue hoodie today, perhaps he had wanted to make a bit more of an effort for tonight as well. He was dressed in slim fitting black jeans and a white shirt. He hands me his coat and I hang it up.

“Thank you for having me,” he address an enthusiastic looking Kate and an uncomfortable John.

“No problem, darling,” Kate beams. “Now, shall we go and sit down? Dinner is almost ready.”

 


	40. Dinner

“Dinner is almost ready,” Kate beams, her arms outstretched welcomingly. She glances uncertainly at me and Cas, then over at John, who was stood a little behind her, with his arms folded across his chest defensively. Choosing to ignore her husband`s scowl, she pulls an astonished Cas into an unexpected, too tight hug. “Lovely to see you again, honey.”

Cas diplomatically escapes the hug, offering John his hand to shake. The older man stares at it sceptically, frown lines appearing on his forehead, but Kate gives him an encouraging nudge in the ribs with her sharp elbow, forcing him to take it.

“Yeah, what she said.”

Wow, dad. Brilliant, just freaking fantastic. How eloquent you can be when you put the effort in. I was no Willian-Bloody-Shakespeare, but he could have at least made a bit more of an effort. Still, Cas didn`t seem offended in anyway, the polite smile still on his lips as John hastily shakes his hand before hurriedly releasing it again.

Sam grins that infectious smile of his, and pulls Cas in for another hug, grinning mischievously at me over his shoulder.

“Ok, I think that`s enough,” I snap while pulling Sam away.

“Well then boys,” Kate begins in a merry, light-hearted tone, “I`d better check on the veggies, they should be about ready to dish up in the next few minutes.”

Oh god. Here we go. I nod my head and gulp once, nervously, where it catches in my throat. “Sure thing,” I reply in a tense voice. “We`ll be there in a sec. Just gonna show Cas where to hang his coat.”

“Ok darling. Don`t be too long.” Kate nods and waddles off to the kitchen, hand on her overly large belly, to check on the vegetables that are steaming away nicely in a big silver pot on the top of the cooker.

Anything to waste a bit of time. I had a sneaky suspicion that this night was either going to go exceptionally well (which was doubtful, considering the snarling look on Johnny Raincloud`s face) or horrifyingly awful, which was much more likely. Getting the picture, Cas hands me the trench coat he had shrugged off when he first arrived, and I sling it over my shoulder. John grunts something unintelligible at the pair of us, before stalking off into the kitchen, beckoning Sam and Adam to follow. Adam trails after him like a dutiful puppy dog, while Sam hesitates, looking at me with gentle eyes.

“We`ll just be a minute. Go and make sure dad doesn`t flip the table or something while he`s waiting.”

I was joking, for the most part anyway. I didn`t really think John was going to act as outrageously as he had when he first found out about our relationship. Since that day he did seem to have calmed down a lot, even though he was still making it quite clear he wasn`t exactly thrilled by the situation. He was trying though, which I appreciated. Although I had spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning as I battled to convince myself that it didn`t matter what he thought, that it didn`t bother me in the slightest, it very obviously did. That stubborn old fool, John Winchester was my father, like it or not, and despite all the things he had done, and despite him being absent for so much of my life, a too large part of me still craved his approval. I suppose that was families for you. You loved them even after they hurt you, forgave them even when they were undeserving, because they were blood. Try as you may to shut down that built in “love your family” mechanism, you just couldn`t.

“Alright,” Sam doesn`t seem overly thrilled about leaving, but does as he was told, and heads into the kitchen. I hear him running the water at the sink to speedily scrub his hands clean, before he takes his seat next to Kate.

I groan softly, but so far, not too bad. This hadn`t been the action-packed disaster movie I had been picturing, at least not yet. No couches exploding, tables being flipped or nukes going off in your face. We were all still in one peace, and so far John hadn`t said anything snippy or rude to Cas. Then again, he had only been though the door about five minutes, so I suppose there was still plenty of time for all the fun to start.

“Come on,” I grab the older boy by the shoulder and direct him down the hallway to the downstairs toilet where we stored coats, shoes and Kates ever-growing supply of handbags.

“Nice picture,” Cas comments politely on a large landscape displayed slightly crookedly in a fancy gold frame opposite the bathroom door.

“I guess.”

“Is it supposed to be of our beach?” He asks.

“Who knows? They all look pretty much the same, don`t they? Sand, water, rocks and things, right?”

“Well, I think it`s nice and it looks an awful lot like it.”

I shrug and open the white door. Several coats dangle down from a row of silver hooks that have been draped over the top of it. I add his trench coat to the collection quietly, pinning back up a fluffy black coat of Kate`s that had dropped down when I opened the door. Secretly though, I liked the way that he referred to it as “our beach”. It was reassuring to know that he felt the same way about the place we met, that it was his and mine alone. Ours. It had a nice ring to it.

When I turn back around from closing the door, Cas is inches away from my face, too close for it to merely be an accident. I duck my head to avoid his intense, burning gaze, but he places two slender fingers under my chin and gently forces my face back up to his. His bright blue eyes are tender, his chapped lips brush against my cheek as he tells me that it was all going to be ok, but I barely register the words. “Dean, don`t worry so much. Things will work out for the best.”

“Oh yeah?” I roll my eyes, finishing off with a sigh. “Tell that to whoever is supposed to have been in control of my life for the past few years. Guess he didn`t get the memo.” I will admit that as of late he hadn`t been doing as poorly a job as usual, and throwing Cas into the mix had been an A+ idea.

Cas presses his lips together in a thin, disapproving line.

“Sorry,” I sigh again. “I`m just really freaking out about this whole meet the family thing. I just want my dad to like me, but I really like you, which means I want him to like you too, and I know how stubborn he can be, but I do really think he is trying, but-“

“Dean!” Cas presses a finger to my lips, the beginnings of a small smile tugging on the corners of his own. “Calm down. Take a deep breath,” he said in a smooth, calming voice, rubbing my arm lightly. “One step at a time. Let`s go into the kitchen and get some dinner before every one wonders where we have disappeared too. I doubt your father will crucify me over vegetables and roast chicken,” he jokes.

“You don`t know my father.”

Everyone bar Kate was already seated at the table by the time we wander in. Sam throws me a sneaky, knowing look when nobody was paying attention, as we take our seats next to each other. John eventually glances up when I carefully take hold of the glass jug of water and pour us both some. Cas takes a small sip of his straight away, probably to hide how nervous the uncomfortable silence was making him, but I place mine down on the coaster and forget about it.

“So,” Sam was the first to break the quiet, “Cas, you getting sick of my annoying big brother yet or what?”

Cas`s eyes widen in alarm, while mine narrow in barely there irritation at his teasing. Younger siblings, don`t you just love `em? Especially if they were as adorable and kind hearted as kid genius, Sammy.

Cas shakes his head, no, and I laugh once. “Well that`s good to know, I suppose. I`m not doing your head in yet. That has to be a record.”

“I don`t think I could ever be annoyed by you, Dean, so don`t be so silly.”

Cas smiles at me in a way Sam would later describe as “adoring” and I stare down at the table, not used to people looking at me like that. I was Dean Winchester, screw up extraordinaire. Nobody looked at me like that, like I was a fragile work of art you were half terrified you could break. I was more used to people glaring at me like I was a major disappointment, because of course I was, not like I was worth something. Sure, I`d had my fair share (alright, more than my fair share) of devoted followers, mainly delusional teenage girls, but they never looked at me as though I was anything more than a quick, cheap game, a sure fire way to piss off their strict parents, and nothing more. Not a single soul had ever looked at me the way Cas did, and I didn’t know how to react. Should I be happy? Scared? It was confusing, but I think I liked it.

John coughs once into his closed hand, staring at Cas like he didn`t know quite what to make of him. Could this well-mannered, soft spoken young man be the same angry, defensive boy who had lunged for him the last time they met? He glances at me from behind his half empty glass, a puzzling expression in his eyes. I smile back anxiously, pleading with my eyes for him to stay quiet and not make a fuss.

Kate peers over from the stove where she is busy empting out generous portions of carrots, peas and other veg onto matching white and gold china plates. Ah, the fancy plates. She really was making a big deal of this. Ordinarily I might have been embarrassed by this, but I thought it was a nice touch. I honestly appreciated all the planning she had put into this diner, as awkward as it was with John staring at us like that. Oh well, even Kate can`t fix everything, I suppose.

“So, er…Casteel-“ “Castiel, dad, His name is Castiel,” I butt in when it became obvious Cas wouldn`t correct him.

John nods once. “Right, sorry, I`m terrible with names.”

Cas nods like he was expecting this, and smiles warmly, gesturing for him to go on.

“So it`s nice to meet you. Again.” He shuffles around in his seat uncomfortably, tugging repeatedly at the stiff collar of his white button up shirt as though it were choking him. “I`m aware that our first meeting didn’t go so well and I`d really like it if we could just put it behind us.”

Cas nods along readily, before taking another small sip of water. “Of course, please consider it forgotten, Mr. Winchester.” It was only because I knew him as well as I did, that enabled me to pick out the subtle note of well concealed irritation beneath his formal politeness.

To his credit, John looks incredibly relieved, and it was like a small weight had been lifted from his broad shoulders. He even manages a small, friendly smile at Cas just as Kate places our dinners in front of us.

“Well eat up!” She sings before collapsing down onto her own seat.

A healthy portion of vegetables stare back up at us, joined by a generous portion of roasted meat and potatoes swimming in a small pool of gravy. The smell was heavenly. I can`t help but compare it in my mind to my own mother`s cooking disasters and chuckle quietly, earning me a confused look from Sam, Kate and John, and an amused grin from Cas.

“So, Castiel, what is it you are doing? Are you in college continuing your education or working?” Kates asks, not in a judgemental tone, but in a curious one.

I sit up in my seat, curious to hear what his response would be. Cas didn`t like talking about himself, especially when it came to personal details about his life or family. I wondered how he would react. He answers with the ease of a practiced politician, and he might have had Kate and the others fooled, but not me.

“Oh, I`m in-between things at the moment. I would really love to get back into education, maybe do something with literature or history, but I do a lot of charity and volunteer work where I can.”

Even John seems impressed, though he tries to hide it. I personally don`t know what to make of his answer. Sure, it could be true, he didn`t sound dishonest, but there was something hidden then and I didn`t like it.

Kate doesn`t bother to mask her pride in him, and I can almost hear her thinking that I had picked a good one here. “Oh how wonderful of you,” she praises. “Your parents must be so proud.”

He nods once, but this time I`m not alone in noticing the slight tense of his jaw, because Sam butts in and changes the subject. “History and literature, huh? Maybe you could help me with my homework sometime. I tried getting Dean to once, but he was pretty hopeless,” he grins to show he didn`t mean it.

“Hey,” I protest anyway, “school assigned books are boring, who can stay awake long enough to finish them? And sorry that I know sod all about the Tudors or the Queen or whatever, I was raised on American history.”

Sam waves a hand dismissively. “Sure, any excuse.”

“I bet you can`t even name one president.”

“Obama,” Sam answers smugly, stuffing a forkful of chicken into his mouth.

“Yeah, well apart from-“ “Lincoln, Washington, Roosevelt, Kennedy-“

“Wilson, Nixon, Truman. That enough for you, or do you want more?” Cas adds in, and I roll my eyes.

“Ok, whatever,” I huff, never graceful in defeat.

“I bet you can`t even name one King or Queen, apart from the current Queen Elizabeth,” Cas counters.

I wrack my brains. “The guy who chopped everybody`s heads off?” I ask. “Henry something? The seventh?”

Cas shakes his head slowly.

“The eighth? Damn! I was close though, right? So it counts,” I decide and put my fork down, plate now almost complete scraped clean.

After dinner, Kate serves up a large helping of homemade apple pie, something she and Adam had made especially for me. John, who has stayed quiet for most of the meal, still wasn`t in a very chatty mood, but he was no longer glaring at Cas like he was the antichrist, which was a vast improvement. Adam had somehow managed to get pastry crumbs everywhere, so it looked like it had been snowing pie, which actually sounded quite pleasant. It wasn`t much fun to help sweep up though.

“Well I suppose I should be leaving. I wouldn`t want to overstay my welcome,” Cas announces just after nine.

Kate assures him that he wasn`t, that he could stay as long as he wanted, but he shakes his head with a smile. “Thank you, really, but I wouldn`t want to be keeping you from anything. Thank you very much for having me. Dinner was just lovely.” This time he is the one to pull the heavily pregnant woman in for a hug. He pauses uncertainly in front of John.

“Yeah, so, thanks for coming round. I guess we`ll be seeing you again shortly.”

I shake my head slowly. That was the best we were going to get from John Winchester for some time, it would seem. Still, I`d happily take this over shouting and balling anytime.

“You show your friend out now, Dean. Don`t be rude.” Kate practically pushes the pair of us towards the door. “And you drop by anytime, darling. It was a pleasure to have you.”

“Yeah, don`t be rude,” Sam snorts as he reappears in the hallway with Cas` jacket. “Don`t forget this.” He thrusts the coat against my chest, flashing me a knowing look before wandering off into the living room.

I walk Cas to his bike before I hand over his jacket, which he thanks me for, then quickly places his arms through the sleeves and tugs it around him. I stand there shuffling my feet as I watch him mount the glossy black death trap on wheels. He chuckles when he sees my face.

“You really hate this thing, don`t you?”

“I just don`t think it`s safe, specially not the way you drive.”

Cas shrugs. “Perhaps hate is the wrong word then. After all, you don`t seem to mind having to cling onto me so tightly.”

I flip him off and he makes a face of mock horror. “Dean Winchester!” he scolds, “how very dare you flip your boyfriend off? Just for that, I won`t kiss you goodbye.”

I laugh along with him, ignoring the flips and twists my heart was doing at one word in particular. Damn acrobatic pain in the ass organ. Your job is to pump blood, nothing else. Stop getting involved.

“I think it went rather well, all things considered.”

“I guess.” I lean against the garden wall and watch him readjust his coat. It sure was nippy out. “Kate likes you at least. And Sam and Adam, but they`re kids so they don`t know any better,” I joke.

“But John,” Cas begins.

“But John,” I agree.

Cas chews on his lower lip thoughtfully. “I think he`s coming round though. Slowly.”

“Mmm, I sure hope so.”

“Goodnight, Dean,” he whispers before blowing me a kiss.

“Night Cas,” I reply equally quietly, before closing the distance between us and capturing his lips in a chaste kiss.

He starts the bike first time and waves, before he shoots off down the road, taking the corner at such a speed I can almost feel my heart leaping from my chest. Something told me I would be having cross words about that next time I saw him.

Back inside John has already cleared away the dishes and is sitting in his favourite spot in the living room, distracting himself with his phone. Kate has control of the television and is watching a cooking program featuring some young chef she liked the looks of. Adam had fallen asleep with his head in her lap, and Sam was sat suspiciously by the window with his head in a book. At first glance, it was a good disguise, it looked perfectly normal, but I somehow doubted his sudden interest in gardening. That, and he was reading it upside down.

“Spy,” I mouth the word at him and he smirks, making little kissy faces in my direction behind his parent`s backs.

Time to face the music. I turn to face the couch they were sitting on and ask the loaded question I had been dreading all night. “Well, that did you all think?”

Kate, unsurprisingly, was the first to answer. “I think Castiel is a charming young man, polite, kind, thoughtful. He certainly seems to be good for you.”

I turn to John, holding my breath, trying not to get my hopes up. He sits up properly in his seat, putting his phone down on the arm of the sofa. He shifts so that he can look me dead in the eye. I desperately wish I could drop the subject, but know this was something that had to be done.

“He seems…nice,” he struggles to find the right words. “I don`t know what you want me to say,” he admits in a gruff voice.

I sigh. “What would you say if it was a girl I had just brought home?”

That stuns him into silence for a good few minutes. I`m about to excuse myself for the night, when he stops me with a firm hand on the shoulder.

“Then I would say this Castiel is a nice person who seems to make you really happy,” he pauses. “And…And it`s good to see you happy, son.”

 

 


	41. Panic

It wasn`t until the following Monday afternoon that Cas dropped by the house again. This time the invitation had been issued on my own this time, without any additional meddling by Kate. She had gone back to bed not long after breakfast, but made a brief appearance when she heard me come in and asked if I needed anything. John had given me the afternoon off to work on my maths (lucky, lucky me) but bored and confused out of my mind, I threw in the towel after an hour of staring blankly at the page of equations. Whatever bright spark came up with the brilliant idea of mixing letters in with numbers deserves to be shot. Twice. Once in the groin, once in the head. Maybe once in the kneecap just for kicks. Sadistic bastard.

He arrives shortly after I message him, dressed in the same trench coat he had been wearing last week for dinner, torn faded blue jeans, and a grey shirt I`ve not seen before. His dark hair was a little more ruffled than usual, which I put down to the unusually high winds that had been forecast for the rest of the week, and he looks flustered. “Cas?” I frown when he visibly limps through the door, the blue fabric of his jeans stained a dark red around the tears in his jeans, the frayed blue material sticking to what looked like a rather nasty graze on his knee.

He doesn`t respond and keeps limping along slowly until we reach the living room. I hurriedly shove my maths books to the floor and force him to sit down in their place, before carelessly dumping the books on the coffee table.

“What the hell happened?” I try to disguise the panic in my voice, but now that I could see him in the brighter light of the siting room, he looked worse. The rips at both of his knees no longer looked like an intentional fashion statement, but the result of a hard fall onto something solid and unforgiving. His lower lip was badly grazed, the top layer of skin scraped right off, staining his lips even redder than usual with his own blood. A small bruise that was already turning purple stretches across his left cheekbone, and a thin cut slices its way across the right, ending just under his eye.

“I`m fine, Dean. Honest, I can hardly even feel it,” he insists upon seeing my unconvinced face.

“What the hell happened to you?” I repeat, more powerfully this time. He was my boyfriend and he was injured. I don`t care if he was badly hurt or not, Cas was bleeding, and every single drop of blood spilled from his veins was one drop too many.

“I fell down my stairs earlier. Not one of my proudest moments,” he tries to joke, but his throaty chuckle dies off when he realises how unamused I am.

I raise one eyebrow. “You did all this damage falling down the stairs?”

“And I bashed into the radiator at the bottom, wacked my face right off it. That`s how I got all this,” he points to his bruised face with a swollen finger, wincing when he accidently brushes against his cut lip.

He didn`t sound like he was lying, and I would like to think that Cas wouldn`t do that to me, not about something like this, but I was all too aware that it wasn`t like the older boy to ever be completely open with me either. There was still a world of information I wasn`t privy to about his life, his family, who he really was. I tried not the let it bother me, but it did. I adore Cas, truly I do, and I’d trust him with my life, but I can`t help wishing that he felt the same. I know that was probably unreasonable of me, after all we hadn`t known each other long, but he knew most of my secrets, even the ones I wasn`t too proud of. Cas wasn`t a liar, at least not directly, but he wasn`t always entirely truthful either. I would like to believe that if there was something going on, if someone hurt him, he would trust me.

“Cas, you swear to me that nobody hurt you. You put your hand over your heart and you swear. Promise me that nobody did this to you. You fell. Promise me.” My voice breaks halfway through, and I wince at the pitiful sound. The thought that someone could do this to him, to Cas, sweet, gentle, loving Cas who wouldn`t hurt a fly, was awful. The pain and the worry was indescribable.

Following what I said, he lifts a bruised hand and gingerly places it on his chest and repeats what he said earlier. I`d have to be blind to miss the way he flinched at the contact, miss the sharp intake of breath and the quick flash of pain in his blue eyes he makes quick work of masking. “I wouldn`t lie to you, Dean. I`m not lying,” he quickly corrects. “I know that you are growing frustrated, but there really isn`t all that much to tell. I`m not purposefully trying to upset you, and it certainly isn`t that there is a lack of trust in my relationship with you. I told you before, my family is complicated. I`d hate to get you mixed up in all our drama. It`s not very fun, I assure you.”

I nod like I understand, even though I don`t, but let it drop. Now wasn`t the time for this, Cas was hurting and tired. I fetch him some water to drink and search for something that wouldn`t hurt his lip too much to eat, finally settling on an overflowing punnet of raspberries Jody had sent home with me. She and her kids had gone fruit picking at the weekend and brought enough back for everyone at work, and even John, who usually disliked fruit had eagerly tucked in. I also gather up some medical supplies from the bathroom cabinet and insist he lets me clean his cuts. He winces at the sting of the disinfectant, but otherwise stays quiet.

“There. All done.” I tidy away the first aid kit.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas thanks me gratefully and takes a hesitant sip of the chilled water. He grabs the plastic container from the table and gently picks up a plump, red fruit, examining it closely. Once he deems it worthy, he places it into his mouth, chewing slowly. “I love raspberries. How did you know?”

I laugh shyly. “Honestly, I didn’t. This nice lady from work gave me them.”

“Well they`re really good. Delicious. Here,” he picks up a second and offers it to me between his fingers.

Ignoring the glaring rom-com cliché we were becoming, I happily lean forward and take the sweet berry from him. “They taste better in pies,” I laugh at his offended face, “but still pretty good. Really soft and sweet.” I steal another from him, right out of his hands and he grumbles, before pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head to make up for snatching his snack, making sure to avoid brushing against his injuries accidently.

He leaves just before Kate is due home with Adam and Sam, who gives me a knowing look when he sees the sappy grin on my face and the way I keep glancing at my phone, wondering why it hadn`t bleeped yet. He`d promised to message me when he was home. John comes in a little earlier than usual, arms laden down with even more punnets of fruit. Kate promises we can bake them into pies and tarts tomorrow after the boys have finished school. She was still feeling tired, but had perked up a little and was feeling up to supervising while Sam, Adam and I made pitta bread pizzas for dinner. They were really fun to make, you just take the bread, smother it in tomato puree for the base, sprinkle cheese and whatever other toppings you like on top, and bake them for a little while in the oven. Adam has a whale of a time making it snow cheddar chunks all over the worktop.

A couple of hours later, after we all finish watching a re-run of a classic British comedy I had grown to enjoy, I head upstairs for a shower to save having to rush in the morning. To be kind, I offer to run a hot bubble bath for Kate, but she declines, laughing that she would never be able to get out again as she pats her belly fondly. I listen to music for a while in bed, until I`m on the edge of sleep and turn it off before I wind up strangling myself with my headphones while I sleep.

I`m woken god knows how long later, by a loud noise. Instinctively, my first thought is to glance to the window to let Cas in, but nothing but the blackness of the garden stares back at me. From outside my bedroom door I hear John`s hushed, but urgent voice snapping orders at someone. Moments later Sam bursts into my room without knocking, and that is when I knew something was badly wrong. Sam was a polite kid, he always knocked. This wasn`t right. His face is pale, eyes wide with fear, but he manages to keep his voice steady when he opens his mouth.

“Mum is…Dad told me to tell you, well, mum`s in labour! He`s gonna rush her to the hospital now, he told me to wake you. Adam`s still sleeping. He doesn`t want to wake him yet.”

Everything in my body feels as though it is shutting down. Kate, kind, generous, loving Kate, was having the baby. Now. She was going to the hospital to give birth to her newest little bundle of joy. My sleep deprived brain takes a few seconds to figure out what was wrong with this. “She`s early!” Unlike Sam, I struggle to keep the panic from my voice. “She can`t be having it now, she still has a few weeks to go.” Not long, not months, but it was still a couple of weeks till her due date.

I charge out of the room like something shot from a canon, pushing past Sam who is hot on my tail, and find John with his arms around Kate’s shoulder, trying to comfort her. Her face was blotchy with tears, her hair a mess and she kept babbling to herself something I couldn`t quite make out.

“It`s gonna be alright, darling, ok? The ambulance is on its way, they’ll be here any second now. I`ve got you, I`m here. Not going anywhere, baby. Just keep breathing, deep breaths now, ok? I`ll do it with you.”

John was remarkably calm under pressure, but I suppose he had little choice. His wife needed him to keep a cool head right now, she was relying on him. His eyes meet mine and that`s when I realise that he wasn`t as confident as he sounded when talking to Kate. His eyes were panicked, but his jaw was set and my heart was breaking.

“Mum!” Sam runs over to her. She tries to flash him a smile, but wails miserably through it. “Where`s the bloody ambulance. What is taking them so damn long?” It wasn`t like Sam to lose his calm, and it wasn`t a pleasant sight. The only saving grace was that so far, Adam was still sleeping soundly in his bed. The last thing we needed was for the young child to come out and starting crying.

“That`s the ambulance now,” I rush to get the door and let them in.

After that everything is all a bit of a blur. Kate is rushed into the back of the ambulance, while the paramedics talk calmly to her, trying to reassure her. Sam and I rush to follow, but John holds us back.

“You need to stay and keep an eye on Adam. I`ll call Jody and Ellen from the hospital if I get a chance, see if one of them can come and be with you in the morning.” He frowns, glancing at his watch. “It`s nearly six now, maybe it would be better if you called, Dean.”

Too shaken to say a word, I can only manage a nod. “She`s gonna be alright, isn’t she?” I whisper as he is getting into the ambulance with her. Sam was thankfully out of earshot.

She had to be fine. I stand outside in the cold early morning air long after the lights of the ambulance have vanished from sight, long after Sam has gone to check on Adam. Kate would be fine. The baby would be fine. They had to be. It was only a few weeks early, what really harm could that do? I wasn`t the best at biology, but couldn’t they just stick the brat in one of those cooker things and heat it up a bit like you see in movies? Everything would be fine. It had to be.

I watch the dark sky begin to lighten before going back inside. Sam is sat with Adam on his lap, comforting him by pressing little kisses to his messy hair and tearstained cheeks. He`s already called Jody, telling her what happened. She promises to come round as soon as she`s opened up the garage. Ellen promises to come round with Bobby when she`s dropped Jo off at school. I call Sam and Adam in just before eight, the receptionist was understanding and hopes everything will be ok. I do the only thing that will offer me any comfort now. I call Cas.

 


	42. Call

He doesn`t pick up. Not on the first try and not the second. This wasn`t like him at all. Anxiously, I glance at the clock at the top left hand side of the screen, noting that it is still early and reluctantly place the phone down on the arm of the couch. The bold white lettering displayed on the smudged screen told me that it was only a few minutes after eight, he probably wasn`t even awake yet. I shove the niggling voice telling me that something was wrong, that Cas had never ignored me before to the very back of my mind. The guy was obviously still in bed, nobody would choose to get up early if they didn`t have to.

I ruffle Sam`s sleep-tangled hair and mumble something about going to put some actual clothes on, before dragging my over-thinking ass up the stairs to change. I rifle through my drawers for something clean and tug out a pair of faded blue jeans and an old grey Batman shirt. I pull them on hastily and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. Usually this early in the morning I needed the icily cold splash of water against my skin to wake me up, but today I hardly even noticed it.

Back downstairs Adam had vacated his older brother`s lap and was sitting on the floor by Sam`s bare feet, occupying the space between his legs. He rushes to his feet and gallops towards me as soon as I return, throwing his tiny body into mine.

“Hey there, buddy.” I force down the panic in my voice for his sake. I was the oldest one here, it was my responsibility to look after these two brats. “It`s ok. I`m here, Sammy`s here.” I kneel down so that I am speaking directly to his tear-stained face, looking him directly in the eyes. “It`s all going to be just fine, I promise.” I had no right to make that promise, but I did it anyway. Everything had to be alright.

“Did my phone ring while I was up there?”

Sam answers with a slow shake of the head, causing a few strands of already messy hair to fall across his eyes. He pushes them back behind his ears irritably. “Sorry.”

I sigh, raking a hand through my own hair. “Right.” I nod, already reaching out for my phone. Surely Cas would be awake by now. I couldn`t stand the thought that the one person who was always there for me when I needed him, wasn`t.

The device felt heavier than usual as I pick it up in shaking hands. Sam`s eyes widen slightly when he notices, but says nothing. He picks Adam back up and cuddles the young child close to his chest. He clings to Sam`s nightshirt, and his eyes, red and sore from crying, steadily begin to close. The phone rings. And rings. One, two, three, four. I continue to let it ring until the voicemail message kicks in. I hang up angrily and throw it down on the couch. C`mon Cas! Where are you? Why aren`t you answering your phone? Another check on the time, using the quirkily shaped clock on the wall, tells me that it is five to nine and nearly an hour since I first tried to call him. I call back and leave a message this time, asking him to contact me back as soon as he gets it.

The door goes fifteen minutes later. I open it to reveal an exhausted looking Jody. Her arms are laden down with brown paper bags straight from the bakers. She stuffs them into my hands and instructs me to share the sausage rolls, pizza bread and cakes with my brothers. If someone had referred to Sam and Adam as that a few months ago, I would have slapped them. Now though, I knew it to be true, and not just in blood. Neither of us were hungry, but we gently nudge Adam awake and he nibbles at the edge of a chocolate chip cookie. If Kate was here, I could just picture her aghast face at the sight of her youngest chowing down on sweets for breakfast. But she wasn`t here, and that was kinda the problem. Ellen arrives a short while after with Bobby.

Cas still hasn`t called.

Half past nine now, and I was starting to worry. This was the guy who would hang around on the beach in the dead of night, when the only light came from the tiny little stars that dotted the sky. In the past Cas had always seemed to just be able to sense when something was wrong, when I needed him and shown up. No matter the time, day or night he never ignored my texts or went more than an hour without replying. So where the hell was he? I was getting worried. Heck, I passed worried two miles back and was quickly reaching panicked and angsty. I call him again. This time it goes straight to voicemail. His phone must have been switched off. Why would he do that? I didn`t want to think that he was purposefully avoiding my calls, but that was what I was beginning to think. It made no sense, but neither did him not answering. Or maybe the battery has died. Right, that had to be it.

Ellen, Jody and Bobby are trying their best to console Sam, who is chewing so frantically on his bottom lip I fear he will soon be putting holes in it. “Will we be able to see mum soon? Will she be ok? And what about the baby?”

“Shhh, Sam. Deep breaths,” Ellen places a comforting hand on his knee and squeezes gently. She looks to Bobby for assistance.

He pats Sam on the shoulder. “I`m going to be honest with you, son,” he begins. Jody shoots him a warning look, but Ellen nods for him to go on.

“They`re big boys now, Jody. They can hear it.”

The other woman doesn’t look too convinced, but allows Bobby to continue.

“We ain`t doctors, and we certainly ain`t god, but your mother is in the best place for her right now. Them doctors will be doing all they can in their power to make sure she and the baby come outta this unscathed. She`s just having the kid early, as long as there are no other complications, she should be just fine.”

Sam nods, but he wasn`t stupid. He noticed that Bobby told him Kate would be fine, but had almost completely bypassed the fate of his baby brother or sister.

“And my brother? Or sister?”

All three adults sigh.

Jody was the one to answer, seeing as her kids were younger than Ellen`s daughter. She`d been through this a few times herself with her boys, and also took in an older, troubled girl who had nowhere else to go a few months before I arrived. “It depends on how developed the kid is, and like Bobby said, if there are any complications. I can`t answer that for you. As soon as we get the say so from the hospital, we`ll take you boys up to see her, you have my word. ”

“And if something happens, you`ll tell us?” he asks, arms folded across his chest.

“Yes.”

“As soon as you know, no matter what?”

She nods again, face blank of emotion, but her eyes were damp. “Yes.”

“I need some air,” I declare a little after ten.

All three adults turn to each other, then nod. “Do you want one of us to come with you?” Jody volunteers, but I shake my head. She looks like she might argue, but upon seeing my face she backs down.

Bobby speaks up for me. “He probably just wants a half hour to himself to clear his head.”

I nod gratefully.

“Well alright,” she grumbles, “but don`t be too long. And if anything happens we`ll call.”

“Right. Thanks.”

I grab my leather jacket and shoes and head out the door, letting it swing shut behind with a soft thud. Outside, the wind is bracing, tearing golden leaves from the trees and scattering them across the roads carelessly, flying every which way in the wind. Beautiful, but I was too worked up to appreciate it this morning. My feet knew the way by heart by now, I swear I`d be able to find this place in the dark with my eyes closed. The streets were fairly quiet, everybody was either at work or at school and now that the cooler months had well and truly arrived, the place was almost like a ghost town. Not that it was packed out in the summer like Vegas or anything, it was your typical, slightly shabby looking seaside time that was only a shadow of its former self, but you did still have a few popular caravan sites dotted around the more popular beach. I tear across the sandy dunes, not breaking my stride until I feel the soft golden sand underneath my feet. I look towards the rock pools where Cas and I had enjoyed spending many days sitting and listening to each other talk about whatever it was we felt needed to be spoken about.

I feel my chest tighten uncomfortably and can almost feel my heart giving out a relived sigh. He was there.

But he wasn`t alone.

 

 


	43. Meet the family

He was sitting awkwardly on one of the large rocks with his bare feet dangling in the water, facing out to sea with his back to me, dark hair knotting because of the chilly breeze whipping across his face. His head bowed, shoulders tense. Once again he was wearing his long coat, unfastened over a plain white shirt and slim fitting blue jeans. Something wasn`t right. First the ignoring my calls and answer phone message, now this. Something was very badly wrong.

Two people crowd round him, their arms crossed tightly across their chests. A pair of stern-faced adults, one male and the other female. Something about them made it hard to look at, like finally switching on a light after straining your eyes in the darkness for too long. The man leans down level to Cas`s ear and hisses something that makes him tense up further. Instinctively I clench my fists together, readying myself to charge over there, hitting and screaming if things took a turn for the ugly. Cas hasn`t noticed me standing here yet, but the second I take cautious half-step towards them, the woman turns sharply on her heels, facing me with a look on her face I can only describe as pure disgust. Her hair has been smoothed back into a severe bun, secured tightly with a plain black clip. She was dressed like an office worker, in a tight knee-length grey skirt and matching blazer. Black court shoes sink into the sand and I wonder just how she managed to make it all the way over to the rocks dressed as ridiculously as she was.

“Welcome, Dean Winchester.” She smiles, an all too fake expression that portrays something entirely different to welcome, matching her icy tone of voice perfectly. It doesn`t sound friendly at all, sending chills up and down my neck.

Cas finally turns around to face me, face unreadable, but his bright eyes tell a different story. They are wide, panicked. Telling me to run. He scrambles down off of his rock and is about to race towards me when the man places a heavy hand on his shoulder, forcing him back down. Cas scowls, but holds his tongue.

“Hold your horses, Castiel,” the man orders in a deep, intimidating voice. “What`s your hurry?” he asks, still refusing to remove his hand from Cas`s shoulder.

“Dean.” He looks me directly in the eye, frantic blue meeting concerned green. I`ve never seen him like this. Who are these people? What did they want from him? Us? “Dean,” he repeats steadily. “I`d like to introduce you to my family, Naomi and Raphael. They`ve been looking for me for some time now.” He nods politely at both of the adults in turn. They smile back at him smugly, eyes cold and empty. His face tells me that he would like to do something with his older relatives right now, something that involved his fists making contact with their faces in place of forced introductions and poorly acted pleasantries.

“Pleasure to meet you, Winchester,” Raphael tightens his grip on Cas` arm. “Such a shame Cas felt it necessary to keep you hidden away from us for so long. We`ve all been dying to meet you.”

I nod once, eyes darting from him and the woman to Cas. What the hell is going on? Cas said he hadn`t seen anyone from his family for so long, that he didn`t really care to either. If they are all as approachable as these two darlings, I can`t say I really blame him. These people were giving me the creeps.

“So you`ve been stalking me then?” Cas asks, clearly pissed, as he shoves Raphael`s hand from his shoulder with a low growl. “Bloody typical of you two. Can`t ever accept that someone is happy not being a mindless little sheep anymore, can you?” He shoves the taller man in the chest roughly. Raphael lets him with an amused smirk, raising his eyebrows. “I know what you are doing here, but I refuse your offer. I am not going back.”

He stalks past Naomi who lets him pass with ease, surprising me. She looks like a stubborn cow, but maybe that was me being a judgemental dick. Or maybe it was the skirt. I take in her formal business attire for the beach of all places and reconsider. Yeah, it was definitely something she was putting out there.

“Castiel.” She doesn`t raise her voice, but she doesn`t have to. He stops in his tracks and turns to face her as though he had been jerked back by an invisible leash and collar.

“What is it? I already told you both, I am not going back there. I`m not like you, I don`t want to be a part of this.”

She giggles girlishly, a frightening, high-pitched contrast to her stern Victorian schoolmistress`s demeanour. “And just what will you do without us, brother dear? You cannot become one of them, not fully. You should know that.”

One of them? What the actual fuck was this chick pouring on her crazy puffs in the morning? “C`mon, Cas,” I say, grabbing hold of his trembling hand in an attempt to steer him away from his weirdo family.

“I wouldn`t do that if I was you, boy.” Raphael blocks our path, looming over us like an angry thunder cloud.

“Your little friend is a regular old Prince Charming, isn`t he?” she carries on as though there had been no interruption. “I can see why you would want to stay with him, but surely you can`t have been naïve enough to think that we would allow this transgression to go on indefinitely, Castiel. This boy is a distraction from your work, from your real work.” Her eyes narrow.

I fold my arms across my chest firmly, fists still clenched together. “Now wait just one fucking minute!” I curse, getting right up in her face. Cas attempts to pull me back, but I shake him off. “What business is it of yours if Cas does stay with me or not? Last time I checked, we never asked you for your shitty opinion on our relationship, so butt out lady.”

“Watch your tone with me, Dean,” she threatens. “This is nothing to do with you. Castiel knows what we are talking about.”

“Cas?” I turn to face him, demanding some kind of explanation, but he can`t meet my eye.

“Please, Naomi. Please Raphael, not here. Not now.” I`d never heard him like this before, pleading like a helpless creature. “Dean is…Dean has nothing to do with this, he knows nothing. I`ve told him nothing. Don`t punish him for my actions when he has done nothing wrong. I`m asking you kindly, as your brother. Don`t do this.”

“You know we take no pleasure in doing this, Castiel. This whole situation is, of course, regrettable for us, but you brought it upon yourself when you decided to abandon your responsibilities the way you did.” Naomi certainly doesn`t sound like she finds this whole thing (whatever the hell this was) regrettable in the slightest. In fact, judging by her arrogant smile and the way she carried herself, as though she was something special, while she sneers down her nose at us, I would say she was enjoying this immensely.

“Your assignment here is over, Castiel,” Raphael`s deep voice carries on the icy sea wind, across the sand and out to sea. A handful of gulls that have been pecking at a discarded fish and chips box a few metres off turn to face us, before flying away as soon as they spot the man glaring at them. “I will ask you one final time, before you make things even more difficult for yourself. Will you return home with us?”

“Cas,” I grab hold of him again, more firmly this time. “Just forget these asshats, ok? We`re gonna go home now, alright?” I try to direct him away from the pair of them, but he shakes me off. Something about him was different, alien to me. His face was hard, composed, his beautiful blue eyes clear and determined.

“No brother, I won`t.” A flash of silver reflects in the weak sunlight as something long and sharp slips out from the sleeve of his jacket. My eyes widen in horror, but I am rooted to the spot. He holds the blade to Raphael`s throat menacingly. “And I won’t let you hurt Dean.”


	44. Angel

To his credit, Raphael seems chillingly unconcerned about the slender, pointed blade currently being held up to his vulnerable throat by his younger relative. He yawned, making no move to try and swipe the blade from Cas`s hands. I`ve been in plenty of fist fights before, hell, it was an almost daily occurrence when you were best friends with Luke, who clearly took great pleasure in living up to his devilish nickname. I`d never had a knife brandished in my face though, and better still, pressed against my neck. I`d rather like to keep it that way. I should run, it was the smart thing to do, I knew that. My brain was screaming at me to do just that, turn on my heels and tear away across the sand and get help. Too bad my feet were in no mood to be listening. I was frozen in place, rooted to the floor as though the yellow sand was made of glue.

Cas what the hell are you doing?! I wanted to scream, grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he saw sense. This was crazy! That guy was easily twice the size of him, just drop the knife and run. Which is exactly what I should be doing, but my feet refused to move. I may as well have been wearing concrete boots for all the good they were doing me. What the hell was he even doing with that thing? My Cas, sweet, adorable, caring Cas, brandishing a knife. It wasn`t right, and yet he seemed so at home wielding it, his fingers wrapped tightly around the base with such a familiar ease it made my stomach lurch. Who was he, really? This person in front of me wasn`t Cas, not my Cas. All of the secrets he had carefully locked away, concealed from me for all this time, the smalls snippets he had given me about his family, what was the truth? Right now I wasn`t sure if I was more afraid for him, or afraid of him.

“Leave, now. I don`t want to hurt you.” His hands are trembling, but his gaze is cold, focused. He might not want to hurt the older man, but I didn`t doubt he was capable of it for a second.

Raphael smiles, lips curving upwards in a nasty sneer. “You don`t have the guts.” There was no amusement in his eyes, and no fear either. They were dark and empty. Beside him, Naomi smiles far too sweetly, a little girl`s smile on a smartly dressed professional. I was almost more frightened of her than I was of Raphael. He could probably take both Cas and me down in ten seconds flat without even breaking a sweat, but she was threatening in a more subtle way, which was worse. She smiled and acted like a professional, tried reasoning instead of using brute force, but her smile was sickly sweet and her eyes blank. She reminded me of a childhood villain, the kind you never expected until the end, when it became clear that it was them all along, if only you had paid closer attention. While Raphael made my throat close with fear, Naomi send shivers creeping along my spine like hundreds of tiny little hairy spiders.

“Be reasonable, Castiel, please,” she begins sternly, smile vanishing immediately. “We are your family, we only want what is best for you, and that is for you to come home. This nonsense has gone on long enough. It is over now.” She extends out a place hand towards him in one sharp movement, ordering, not asking him for the blade.

In response, Cas spits on the ground by her feet, narrowly missing the pointed toes of her low-heeled, polished black court shoes. “I`m not like you, I never have been.”

Raphael chuckles deeply. “Well, you got that right. You`ve always been such a rebellious little thing. A real pain in the neck. How you ended up being on of daddy`s favourites I`ll never know.”

“Dad doesn`t have favourites, you should know that. He loves all of his children equally.”

“Don`t make me laugh. They`ve always came first, even since he created them. He cast out Lucifer because he refused to bow down and worship them like he expected. He was our brother and his son, but did that matter? Of course not.”

“A real spanner in the works, that`s our Castiel,” Naomi chips in. You`ve never been right, never followed orders, never listened, never been loyal.” She takes a step towards me, eyes still turned towards him. “You are a disgrace, brother. You are worse than humans, worse than demons,” she sneers, calmly drawing a silver knife of her own from inside the inner pocket of her blazer. “You are no angel.”

“You guys are crazy!” I manage to gasp out of shock, the heavy feeling leaving my legs. I could run now, but I doubted it would do me much good. “Some crazy kind of cult.” I can`t help the frightened laugh that escapes my lips as I shake my head rapidly back and forth in disbelief. “Demons? And angels? Lucifer? And talking about humans as if you aren’t one, you guys are certifiable.” It was far from wise, I know, but I had to get her and that knife away from Cas. No matter who he was, if he had really been a part of whatever the hell this crazy sit was, he was Cas. Everything he told me couldn`t have been a lie.

“Watch your tone with us,” Raphael booms even with the blade at his neck. “We are angels and you should show us some respect.”

“Angels,” I nod. “Right. And I`m Batman.”

Naomi narrows her eyes at me condescendingly. She takes a small step closer to me, the knife still in her hands.

“Back off, Naomi,” Cas threatens, pressing the knife closer to Raphael`s skin, the glittering silver blade drawing small droplets of red. It stops her in her tracks for a minute and she turns to watch. “I`m not coming home with you and I will not let you hurt Dean. If you lay so much as one finger on him, you will regret it,” he snarls at the same moment Naomi grabs me. I raise my fists to my face, trying to protect myself, but she simply giggles and floors me with a gentle tap to the forehead. Disoriented, I look around for an answer, wondering how on Earth she had managed to knock me down by hardly touching me.

Castiel lunges at her, Raphael momentarily forgotten in his rage, slashing and slicing at her blindly. She wails, a horrible, horrible sound as he forces it through her chest in one smooth jab. What happened next could only be described as something from a movie. A brilliant white light, starting at the entry point in her chest explodes everywhere, half blinding me. Still crumpled on the floor in a heap, I throw my head under my arms and slam my eyes shut, but I couldn`t escape the light. It burns against the skin of my closed eyelids. Naomi kept screaming even after Cas withdraws the blade, only to roughly slam it in again. By the time I can open my eyes again, she is an empty shell on the floor.

Cas catches my gaze as he tugs the knife free from her still chest, wiping it carelessly on the leg of his jeans. His face was pained, blue eyes damp. Raphael was nowhere to be seen. When I look back to the fallen woman on the floor, she was gone. My heart shudders in my chest.

“Dean,” he begins guilty, “I can explain.”

“Yeah, I think you`d better.”

So we sit on the rocks where we first met and he tells me his crazy story. If it wasn`t for what I had just seen five minutes I wouldn`t have believed him. The rational side of my brain still refused to believe him.

“You`re crazy, you are all crazy.”

He smiles sadly. “You know I`m not.”

“Angels,” I choke out,” don`t exist. Pull the other one.”

“I was sent down here to look after a troubled, angry young boy. His future looked bleak unless we intervened. High school dropout, four children by three different women, long bouts of unemployment, followed by shitty jobs, a few short jail sentences. The first when a friend uses him to cover his own ass, the second for being in possession of illegal substances. Smashes up his car while driving under the influence, dead by twenty seven.” He stares at me, eyes wide and focused intently.

“That was me, wasn`t it?”

He nods sadly.

“I still don`t believe you. Why the hell would an angel,” I roll my eyes, saying the words as though it contained a foul odour, “Give a crap about me? Want to save me?”

He tilts his head to the side. “Why wouldn`t I?”

“So you just expect me to believe-“

“How else do you expect me to explain what just happened? The truth isn`t always the easiest option, but it is all there is.”

“Right, so you expect me to just sit here and listen to this shit about angels and saving people and-“I get to my feet, angrily. “I`m out of here.”

“Dean, it`s not safe, just listen to me.”

Ignoring him I tear off down the beach, pushing him away when he tries to grab me back. “Stay away from me. You are freaking nuts. Just stay away. You and your freaking cult!”

When I look back over my shoulder, he is gone. It was just me and the lonesome sea crashing and hissing against the shore miserably. Today it was a dark grey, matching my mood. I keep running until I can`t even see the rocks anymore, until I collapse down on the sand and scream into my hands.

A firm hand is placed on my left shoulder. I flinch. “Cas, I told you-“

“Oh no, boy,” a deep voice booms. “Castiel isn`t here to save you anymore.” Before I can even start to panic or fight back, the hand is moved to my forehead and I black out.


	45. Drown

The first thing I am aware of when I come to again is pain. A sharp, stabbing pain dead in the centre of my chest. I was confused, disorientated. Where am I? What`s wrong with me? Why can`t I breathe? My lungs are burning, aching, completely empty of air. Icy liquid invades my throat, gushing in through my silent lips, flooding my airways as it pours down into my screaming lungs. I accidentally open my mouth wider, but instead of the comforting relief of fresh oxygen I had been expecting, I end up gulping down another large mouthful of fluid that chokes me. I try and cough to clear my throat, but it doesn`t work. My chest is on fire, but there were no bright orange flames licking at my flesh, only water. There is salt on my tongue and in eyes, overflowing my lungs. I was drowning.

So this was dying. I couldn`t scream even if I wanted to, if I had the energy. The sea water was steadily dragging me down, the same sea I had swum in countless times with Cas these past months, was killing me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I kick my legs out, thrash my arms about with what little strength I have left, but that soon abandons me as well, leaving my lying there on my back, limbs floating uselessly under me. Blurry grey-blue water and tiredness replace my will to fight, to survive. I knew now that there was no getting out of this, and that there never had been. Way above me I can see the distant light of the surface, it was a beautiful enough last sight, I suppose. My stinging eyes finally slip shut as the last few bubbles of oxygen escape from my open lips.

“Dean! Dean! Oh my god. I`m going to kill you, Raphael! Do you hear me? I`m going to fucking destroy you! All of you!”

I was dreaming, I had to be. Or maybe this was the other side. Heaven, Paradise, whatever you wanted to call it. It wasn`t as pleasant as Hollywood would have you believe. There was no golden tunnel bathed in a shimmering light. No angelic music, and I was all alone. Nobody was coming to collect me. I was cold, freezing even. I still couldn’t breathe, was still struggling for air, which if I wasn`t so exhausted would have struck me as odd. If I had passed on, then why was I still suffering? Gasping for air that never came and shaking from the ice that chilled my bones? I cough again, all spluttery and choking, hacking up large lungfuls of salt water.

“You`re going to be alright, I swear,” a rough voice promises lovingly, the kind tone doing a piss poor job of concealing the owner`s concern.

From somewhere hidden in the blackness, a hand presses against the icy flesh of my face, gently stroking across my blue-tinged cheek. A tingling warmth spreads unexpectedly through my veins, gently starting to chase away some of the cold and the pain. An irritating bleeping sound makes me stir a little, and I hear the same, oddly familiar voice saying something else that didn`t quite make sense. Something about an accident and someone named Dean. Trying to think around the pain and confusion I briefly wonder if I was Dean, but the hurt distracts me once again before I can dwell on it further. I`m vaguely aware of a presence hovering over me once more, before there is a steady pressure on my burning chest and the delicate press of chapped flesh over my lips. Fresh, cool air invades my airway, inflating my tired lungs once again with what they had been sorely missing. Another press on my chest, more forceful and precise this time. Whoever or whatever it was doesn`t stop until help comes, even for a second.


	46. Hospital

The compressions against my chest stop as two fingers press carefully against my neck, expertly trying to seek out my pulse. They slide a tiny fraction lower and still, before pressing down a tad more firmly. A second pair of lips, softer than the previous pair touch down gently over my own, blowing a fresh supply of much needed air down my windpipe and into my weary lungs. Once again hands are placed on the centre of my chest. They press down repeatedly, before I once again feel my head being tilted upwards and the steady pressure of lips against my own. The fingers return to my neck where they stay for several seconds, before being removed. They don`t return. I can hear someone next to me let out a rough, shaky breath before someone, a woman judging from the softer tone of her voice, tells the other person in a controlled voice that the pulse was weak, but there. I feel dreadful. Freezing cold, shivering as though the blood in my veins had turned to ice.

Before the hands can return to my aching body once again, my mouth opens with a splutter, hacking up saltwater as I struggle to sit up. Careful hands help to turn me around into the recovery position so I don’t choke myself on the fluid pouring out from between my lips. It was all coming back to me now, slowly random bits and pieces of cloudy information were beginning to seep back through to me through my wet and confused state. Sat next to me on the wet sand was a panicked looking Cas. His eyes were wide and frantic, and that chapped mouth that had captured my own so many times was curled downwards into a furious scowl. The second he sees me start choking up fluid, his frown flips into the biggest smile I had ever seen him wear, the panic in his eyes lessoning ever so slightly.

“Dean! Oh thank goodness!” he gushes, a shaky giggle of relief escaping him. His fingers twitch, but his arms stay firmly locked around his middle, letting the woman kneeling over me do her job.

She checks me over quickly, making sure that I was no longer bringing anything up and explains to us both, but more to Cas, as I was still half out of it, what was going to happen next.

Cas rides in the back of the ambulance with me, not taking his eyes away from me for a second. He keeps whispering gentle, soothing words to me over and over, promising that everything was going to be fine, but whether it was more for his benefit or mine I`m uncertain. By the time we arrive I am fully awake and trying to tell anyone that will listen that I`m fine, which they promptly ignore. Upon arriving at the hospital, the same one Kate had been rushed to early this morning, I remember with a sick twist in my gut, things become a little more confusing. The doctors in the emergency department check me over again, pleased with my level of alertness, and seem more focused on getting my temperature up again. From what I can tell with my limited medical knowledge, they are feeling very positive about my recovery because I was awake and much more alert than I had been down on the beach, which was a good sign. They try and force Cas to leave, but something in his face makes them reconsider. To push the point even further home I tell that if Cas wasn’t allowed in, I would walk right out the door right now.

Sometime later a fair-haired doctor comes in, leading John Winchester in behind him. He takes one quick glance at the hospital bed I was lying on and snaps at the young man.

“What the hell happened to my son?” he demands and answer, his venomous tone earning him a jump from the doctor.

“Mr. Winchester, please calm down, your son is-“

“Don`t you dare say fine!” John snaps again, in a lower tone, the full force of his anger still slapping the doctor smack bang in the face. “What happened to him? I came here with my wife this morning, she`s gone into early labour and now you are telling me my son almost drowned?! What the hell is going on?”

I gulp, Cas takes hold of my hand. This didn`t sound good. It wasn`t the first time today I had heard the word “drowned” but coming from my father, it seemed all the more serious.

“Dad,” I choke out, “I`m fine.” I look to the doctor to back me up. I was alright, wasn`t I? They`d given me the once over at least ten times. I was still cold and I was certainly in no fit state to run a marathon, but I was going to live. If dad was this angry, then I feared something had happened to Kate or the baby.

“Mr. Winchester,” the man begins again, striding over to the side of my bed, raising his hands up slowly in front of him. “Please calm down, Dean is going to be all right. Of course we shall need to keep him in for monitoring, but he is expected to make a full recovery.”

Dad blinks once, twice, before the corners of his mouth twitch. He is still frowning, but the anger and fear behind it lesson considerably. “Thank you.” He doesn`t sound grateful, more gruff and hostile, but the man nods and accepts it anyway.

“Smart boy you got here, he`s the one you should be thanking,” he praises, while Cas just stands there awkwardly shuffling his feet. “Drowning victims stand a much better chance the sooner they start receiving treatment. Luckily for your son, his friend here,” he places a gentle hand on Cas`s shoulder, smiling warmly at him, before turning back to my dad. “Knew what to do. He`s the one who dragged your son out of the water, called for help and started administering treatment before help even arrived on the scene.”

Dad gawps unflatteringly at him for a moment, before he excuses himself to check on another patient. Cas looks at us both in turn before pressing a swift kiss to my forehead, before he too excuse himself.

“Does anyone want a drink?” he offers politely before he goes, not expecting an answer.

John, however, stops him in his tracks with a firm hand on his back. Cas turns to face him, confused but silent.

“Look, Castiel,” he begins. “I know we didn`t get off to the best of starts and I`m still not over the moon about all this,” he gestures between the pair of us. “But when I heard my boy was hurt, well, I felt pretty damn scared. But the doc said you saved him, if it wasn`t for you then-“he trails off with a shake of the head. “I-Thank you. After Kate and the baby-“

“How are they?” I cut in, not sure if I actually really want to know. Bloodstained images more suited to a horror movie than a hospital fill my mind, distracting me from the soulless white hospital room and unforgiving bed underneath me.

John sighs, running a hand through mussed dark hair. How many times had he done that today, I wondered? How many because of Kate? Because of me?

“She`s err…Well they had to operate. Something about the cord being wrapped around or something, I don`t really know for sure.” He frowns, and I could tell he felt like a failure for not knowing. “It was all a bit frantic. She`s had the baby, tiny little thing and is recovering. Big hands and feet though. All purple and angry looking.” He allows himself a brief smile. “Beautiful little baby girl, Dean. You should see her. She was rushed off to be cooked a bit longer in an incubator after being checked out, but they think she`s gonna be alright too. Strong heartbeat they said, she`s a fighter, just like you. We`re gonna need to buy special clothes and diapers for her though, nothing we bought will fit her, she`s so small.” He lets out a deep, shaky sigh. “Thank god, right?”

I nod, too relived to speak yet. Kate was ok. I was ok. The baby was going to live. We both were.

Cas` blue eyes flick downwards, his expression unreadable. “Thank the doctors.”

John nods, taken aback by the barely contained anger in his voice. “Right, well thanks again. I`m gonna go find some doctor and get `em to tell me how long they plan on keeping you in for, cause you got a baby sister to meet.”

 


	47. Recover

Dad pats me on the shoulder gently, if not a little awkwardly and strides out of the room in search of a doctor. Cas stands silently in the doorway shuffling his feet uncomfortably, arms dangling uselessly by his sides. His face, the kind face I had come to know, to memorize, learnt to trust over the past months was gone, replaced by a stranger. It was Cas alright, dark, windswept hair, easy smile and the bluest eyes I had ever seen, but the secrets he kept hidden in them had been let loose now, and I could no longer look at him the same way.

“Still believe I`m crazy?” he asks in a voice that was trying too hard to be light, the tense strain in it giving him away.

Sighing, I turn away from him. I can see the look of hurt acceptance on his face without looking. No, I didn`t think he was crazy. I wanted to, wished I could pass off the creepy guy that attacked me as some fucked up asshole on steroids. I was in shock, but I wasn`t stupid. Harder to believe though, was that an actual angel, Cas, had taken a special interest in me. It was difficult enough to understand when I believed him to merely be a kind-hearted teenager, but why on Earth would an angel give two shits about me and my pain? Of all the people in this world with problems, why out of all of them would he even notice me, let alone care? I was just an angry kid, hell-bent on my mission of self-destruction. He said it himself; if he hadn`t intervened I`d be used up and dead by thirty, leaving nothing behind but a giant trail of mistakes and wrongdoings and no one to mourn me. And yet he saw something good in me anyway. Saw me as more than my anger and hatred and saw something worth saving. It didn`t make any sense.

“I see.” He doesn`t sound angry, just disappointed, but like he understands. “I didn`t lie to hurt you, Dean. Believe it or not I was trying my best to protect you. From who I am, from my family-” he gestures with one hand to the cold and unforgiving hospital bed I was lying on, “from all of this,” he finishes lamely. “But I failed in my duties. As an angel, as a protector and as a friend. There aren’t words to describe how sorry I am.”

“Why, Cas?” My voice breaks on his name, a truly pitiful sound. Why me?

He tilts his head to the side, the way he always does when he doesn`t understand something. I used to have problems thinking it was adorable, but I didn`t any longer. It really was. I wished I still didn`t think so. Cas was one of the purest people I`d ever had the gift of knowing, the first one to see me as more than my mistakes, and he wasn`t even a person.

“I told you. I didn`t want them to hurt you. I thought if you didn`t know the truth then they would have no reason to.” He takes in my weakened state on top of the bed and his frown intensifies. “Clearly I was wrong.” Anger laces his voice like poison and for once he makes to attempts to mask it. “I had no idea my siblings would react in such a way. I knew they were displeased with my actions, knew they felt I had disobeyed orders and I knew they would try to get me back by any means, but I didn`t think that they would stoop so low as to try and-“ he cuts himself off with a furious shake of the head. “I`ll kill him!” he declares, hands forming fists at his sides, arms shaking. “I`m fucking kill Raphael for what he did to you.

“Cas, stop it! Just, just calm down. Try and calm down.” I struggle to get up and get as far as swinging one leg over the side of the bed, before Cas is at my side and carefully but forcefully pushing me back in.

“Rest, Dean. You must rest. Although I did the best I could to heal the worst of the damage you are still-“

“That was you?” I ask, fighting to remember, to bring something to the front of my mind. “On the beach, after you pulled me out. I wasn`t awake, not really, but I remember something. Before the ambulance arrived, before you started giving me CPR. There was a hand on my face, your hand, and it was hot and…”I couldn`t believe I was saying this. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe the doctors were wrong, maybe there had been permanent damage to my brain after being trapped under the water without oxygen for so long. “And it made the pain go away, not completely obviously, but it helped. And I wasn`t so cold anymore.” I take a deep breath and look him dead in the eye. “That was you, wasn`t it? You healed me, didn`t you?” Phrased as a question, but I knew the truth. Cas had saved me yet again. It shouldn`t have been possible.

“I used some of my power to heal the damage being without oxygen caused to your internal organs. Damage begins to occur very quickly to the body as soon as it is starved of its much-needed oxygen.”

My head was spinning. If I wasn`t already lying down I think I would have collapsed. Angels were real. Cas was an angel. He saved me. Simply by caressing my face like he had so many times, he was able to heal the damage Raphael`s attack had caused. What else he could do with that kind of power, I wondered. Cure cancer? Help someone see again? Help somebody be able to walk again? My mind wanders to Bobby, lovely, kind Bobby.

Cas is looking at me, eyes narrowed in concern. “I`m sorry if this scares you, Dean, but I had to. I couldn`t let you-” he flinches, unable to complete his sentence. His unspoken words linger in the space between us.

“No, I-thanks, Cas. I`m not scared of you. It`s just a lot to take in. I mean, angels. Freaking angels, with wings and halos-”I pause. Do you actually have halos?”

He shakes his head, the slightest hint of amusement returning to his eyes.

“What about harps?”

“I`m afraid not.”

“Fluffy white dresses?”

He chuckles. “Nope.”

I sigh dramatically. “Bummer. That`d actually be a good look for you.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on that one, I`m afraid.”

I laugh and it hurts, my throat burning. Cas quickly jumps up and hold out his hand in offering. Nodding once I let him take away the worst of the pain. He leaves his hand on my cheek longer than necessary, but I don`t mention it so it remains.

His face turns troubled again. “I don`t know what to do about my brother. He won`t have given up on me, and he will soon figure out that his plan didn`t work out the way he wanted. He will be back.”

“Dean?” Dad calls in softly, as though he thought I may have fallen asleep. I admit that I was close to it, head still in Cas` hands, fighting to keep my eyes open. It was getting late and it had been a long, horrible day and I just wanted it to be over.

His eyes linger on the two of us for a moment, curiously, not unhappily, and I offer him a tired smile that he slowly returns. “No drinks, Cas?” he asks.

“Sorry, I didn`t want to leave Dean in case something happened. I`ll go get them now. Coffee? Tea? Juice?”

“Just a coffee for me thanks. Black. Here,” he digs in his front pickets for spare change and hands him enough for three drinks. Cas hesitates to take it, but John insists.

“If it wasn`t for you…” he trails off, turning away, but we all knew what he was going to say. Cas takes the money and leaves the room.

Dad turns to face me. “Docs want you to stay in overnight for observation. But the bloods they took show that your oxygen levels are almost back to normal and the x-rays failed to pick up any breaks, so you`re good. They just wanna be sure no complications arise, but they said if nothing changes then after twenty four hours they`ll be happy to let you go, as long as you come back if something happens.”

I nod, too exhausted to really take in all of the information. I was going to be fine though, I knew that. Now I just wanted Cas back so I could rest.

“I should tell you I called your mother.” Upon seeing my angry face he raises his hands up. “Don`t look at me like that,” he scolds, “I had to.”

“Why?” I asks childishly, crossing my arms.

Dad sighs. “Because you nearly died, Dean. Do you have any idea how close we came to losing you today? Of course I had to tell her. She is your mum.”

I scoff. “Right. And she loves me. Bet she misses me terribly. She doesn`t give a crap, that`s why she shipped me off here. She is not my mother,” I hiss, words almost exactly echoing things I had said for years about the man sitting next to me on a cold hostile chair.

“Dean, no matter how you feel about what she did, I had to tell her. Believe it or not, she was frantic. Crying and screaming at me down the phone. Blaming me for letting it happen, blaming herself for ever letting you go.”

His words stun me into silence. It was almost impossible to picture the workaholic woman my mother had turned into as a terrified mother, frantic and worried to death about her son. Kate, sure, but not Mary. For years she had hardly been around, preferring to spend all her hours at work instead of facing the mess I had become, easier to ship me off across the world than deal with it.

Dad takes a deep breath. “I tried to convince her not to, told her everything was alright, that you were going to be just fine, but-“

“But what?” I demand, sitting up.

“She told me she was getting on the first plane she could to England.”

 

 

 


	48. Leave

I`m not proud of it, I`ll admit, but I snap. I lose it. I go off on him like a nuclear bomb, screaming and yelling and hurling my crappy, lumpy hospital pillows at his head, before falling backwards, exhausted, onto the lousy mattress with a gentle thud, gasping and clutching at my neck. The yelling had irritated my tender throat even further, continuing the work the icy salt water had begun earlier. It was burning once again. Perhaps that had not been one of my better ideas.

“Dean, be reasonable.” His arms are folded tightly across his chest. “Surely you knew I would had to inform Mary about what happened?” Dad said in a tone of voice that was too strained to be calming.

“I am. I think it is more than reasonable that I don`t want to see her, not after she dumped me here.” I might have been secretly grateful to her for this, because it ultimately brought me to Cas, but that didn`t mean I was in any mood to thank her for shipping me off, or even be in the same room as her.

Dad sighs agitatedly, clenching and them unclenching his right fist. “And I get that Dean, I really do, but despite how you feel about it, you are still her son and you could easily have died today. I expect she is feeling guilty and just wants to make sure that you are alright.” He hands me my pillows back and carefully tucks them behind my head, receiving no help from me.

“I`m just fine, thanks,” I snap, turning my back on him, rearranging my pillows agitatedly. “Cas saved me. Call her back and tell her not to bother coming.” Then, softly I add, “she never used to bother anyway.”

He sighs again, a long drawn out sound of defeat. “Dean-”

“I got the drinks you wanted. Sorry it took so long, I got lost. This building is like a squeaky clean maze.”

I don`t even turn back around when Cas re-enters the room, hands full of a white plastic coffee cup and water bottles. He hands dad his coffee and plonks one of the bottles of still mineral water down on the small table beside the bed. The other he uncaps and thrusts in my face with a quiet but forceful, “take it.” Obediently, I take a small sip and put it down next its twin.

The three of us suffer through the awkward silence for a few minutes, before dad decides to go and check up on Mary and the baby and call Sam again. Jody and Ellen were going to bring the boys over in the morning during the first visiting hour. If Kate was up to it, they were going to nip over to the other side of the hospital to pay her a visit too. According to dad, Adam kept asking where everyone was and Sam was already demanding to know exactly how long we were going to have to stay in for.

“Call your brother, he`s going crazy according to Jody and Ellen. And try to be civil towards your mother when she arrives and maybe cut her some slack, eh? She did what she thought was best at the time.”

“Mmmhm,” I shrug dismissively. “If Kate is awake, tell her I hope she`s alright. And if Mary calls you again before she boards, tell her I hope she can get a refund on her ticket, because I don`t want to see her.”

He stares at me for a minute, one long, tense minute, before storming out of the room to go and check up on his wife and baby. Cas opens his mouth to speak, but I flash him a look that makes him think better of it.

“Can it, Cas. I don`t want to see that woman, I don`t care how guilty she feels. She couldn`t be fucking bothered to pay me any attention when I was living with her. She can`t waltz back in now and seriously think that everything will be ok, `cause it`s not.”

I flop back down and fidget for a minute before giving up with a loud groan of displeasure. This hospital bed sure wasn`t getting any comfier any time soon.

“Are you in pain?” Cas rushes to reach out his hand and take it away, but I shake my head.

“I`m fine. Sick to death of this fucking bed though. Come in for nearly drowning, end up leaving with a screwed up back.” I chuckle, trying to defuse the tension. Guess John wasn`t the only one unimpressed my point blank refusal to meet with my mother.

“Dean,” Cas speaks softly as he perches on the very end of the bed, careful to avoid my toes. “I`m not going to force you to see her, but don`t you see the similarities here? The way you used to view your father when you first arrived and the way you have just spoken of your mother sounds awfully familiar to me.” He flashes me a small, encouraging grin. “I`m just saying.”

“I don`t want to talk about it anymore.”

He nods but doesn’t move from his spot by my feet. The barely there smile stays with him. God, he was impossible. “What about Raphael? I figure that’s why you were so long getting drinks.”

His smile fades instantly. “How did you-“

“I know you, Cas.” A horrible thought crosses my mind. “Is he here? Has he found us?” An even worse one makes itself known, flashing across my brain like a neon warning sign. “You don’t…”I trail off, trying to calm myself. “You don`t think he`ll come after us here, do you? Come after Kate and the baby? Or dad or the boys? Because if he does, I`ll kick his ass myself!”

Cas looks troubled, sitting there silently. His blue eyes are miles away, as is his mind. He looks tired, exhausted by the day`s events. He looks though he has aged in a few hours, and there is a sharp glint in his eyes that hadn`t existed there before. Or rather, I suspected it had, he had just learnt to hide it well. When he gets to his feet once again, a quick leap down from the bottom of the bed that he makes look easy, I am reminded of who he really is. He had played the part of tender-hearted, loveable teenage boy well. But he was not a man, not a boy. Not a human. An angel. I can`t hold back my laugh, a strangled, pained sound that escapes from my lips. This was just too unbelievable. Crazy.

And yet here I was, sat in a lumpy hospital bed, beautiful boy beside me and a ruthless, pissed off angel who had it out for the both of us hot on our tails.

“Cas?”

He blinks slowly, coming back to me with a slow shake of the head. “Yes, Dean. I fear Raphael does know your location. And yes, I did go looking for him. I promise you, that bastard will not harm you again and he will not touch your family. I promise you that, if it is the last thing I do,” he swears, wearing the same horrible, determined expression he had when he had plunged that deadly blade into his sister`s chest, stopping her heart.

Rage fills his eyes, there was no love in them, none of the gentleness I had grown to expect, to admire. It frightened me, this side of him. I wonder if angels were all like this, always fighting, always slicing and slashing and hurting and killing. I`d never have imagined my sweet Cas could be like that, but I had seen the proof with my own horrified eyes. He had killed that woman, his sister, Naomi without hesitating. Except, that wasn’t quite right. He`d told them, warned them both to leave me alone. Asked them to return alone without him, with sorrow lacing his words and grief in his eyes.

Angels. This wasn`t the fluffy, white, feathery bedtime story I had been told by my mother as a tiny child. “Angels are watching over you, Dean.”

“Yeah right,” I`d scoffed. What angels? Where were they when my life was falling apart? When I felt lost, alone and abandoned by everyone I`d ever loved? Now I wondered where the loving, gentle protectors she had told me about were. I think of Raphael`s deep, threatening voice and the ease with which he had approached me, plotting to kill me. Naomi and her cold, empty smile and her readiness to turn a blade on her own family.

Then my mind wanders to Cas, the boy stood at the foot of my bed with anger in his eyes, but also fear. He was frightened. Not for himself, but for me. His deep, gravelly chuckle, easy smile and kindness had once been the only things that made me want to stay in this town. The only thing that made me happy, truly happy. His willingness to put up with my ever changing moods, self-doubt and the way he never looked at me with anything other than love and understanding. He was no monster. He was not like them. He cared when if felt no one else did or ever had.

“Dean?” He reaches out to take my hand, slowly as to not startle me. “I don`t mean to frighten you. I also didn`t mean to get you mixed up in all of this, this angelic mess. I completely understand if you don`t want to see me again, but please understand. Raphael is dangerous. I must stay with you until the threat is eliminated. Then…Then I will go if you wish.”

“Back to…Back to Heaven? Does Heaven really exist?” Surreal images of beautiful gardens with trees and flowers taller than mountains, stunning waterfalls and smiling faces, basking in a silvery glow, all enclosed by a shimmering golden gate pass through my mind.

He smiles. “Yes. It`s beautiful. So clean and bright and-“

“You should go back.” I take a deep breath. “When all this is over, you should go home. You miss it, I can tell.”

He frowns, brow furrowing as he tilts his head to the side. “You`re wrong, Dean. While there are certain aspects about Heaven I do miss, for the most part, I have no intentions of going back for some time. Raphael, is of course, a big part of that reason, but the rules and the politics are just so exhausting.” He smiles at me, the beautiful, breath taking smile I`d loved for so long. “And besides, the company isn`t so great.” His frown returns. “But, if you want, I will go.”

I roll my eyes and throw a pillow at him, less violently than I had at my dad earlier. He catches it. Of course he does. Dick. What a freaking show off. “Of course I don`t want you to go, you stupid bastard. I love you.” It still felt strange to say it. He still looked surprised.

“I love you too, Dean.” He lifts our intertwined hands to his lips and presses a feather light kiss to the rough skin on my knuckles before carefully placing it back down on the bed.

The door creeks. A pale-haired nurse pokes her head in. “Visiting ends in a few minutes.”

Cas nods and makes like he is going to say goodbye, and she leaves to check on someone else. Outside, muffled footsteps click-clack their way down the hall as another nurse goes about her business. The night staff would be taking over soon. After he stormed out, I doubted dad would come back tonight, but I was fairly sure that he`d have cooled off a little by tomorrow morning`s visiting time. He couldn’t really want Mary here anymore than I did. Ex-wife coming knocking just after new-wife has had a baby, there`s a recipe for disaster if ever there was.

I fall asleep with Cas stroking my hair lightly, whispering soothing words into my ear.

The door creeks again. I`m only semi awake. Everything was blurry still. I blink rapidly, trying to adjust my eyes. Beside me, Cas is stood with his shoulders squared, one arm down at his side, the other held out in front of him. Something silver gleams brightly in this hand. It takes my groggy mind a few seconds too long to recognise the long, slender object, to register what was going on here.

“My, my!” A deep voice booms, resonating throughout the room. “How sweet.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	49. Fight

His voice, that deep, horrendous boom transformed the blood in my veins to ice. The dim light in the spotless hospital room cast grey shadows over his disgusted face, hiding the worst of his venomous hatred, but his eyes were visibly bright with loathing. Beside me, Cas adjusts his stance, bouncing up and down impatiently on the balls of his feet, readying himself for the inevitable fight. That deadly blade of his gleams silver, impossibly bright against darkness of the room.

The older man, the archangel, steps forward towards the bed. My heart leaps out of my chest into my throat, hammering uncontrollably in panic. I was going to die. For real this time. Raphael smiles sadistically, the only grin I think his lips were capable of forming, and turns to face me, ignoring his younger, less powerful brother. I suppose, to an all-powerful archangel, who had been around since Lord only knows when, Castiel didn`t seem like much of a threat.

“Dean Winchester,” he says my name like a curse, Cas says it like a blessing. “You shouldn`t be alive.”

As soon as the words leave his lips, I feel an invisible force pressing down against my chest, pinning me down. I panic, and struggle against the unseen weight against me, and for a moment I am back in the endless blue water, gasping for air. Cas lets out a screech, an ear-splitting, furious sound that half terrifies me, as he lunges at his brother like an animal, aiming to slice his throat wide open, paint the floor with his blood. I watch, helpless to stop it as Raphael flings him away with a careless wave of his hand. He lands in a crumpled heap, ricocheting sharply off of the wall the bed rested against with a sickening thud.

“Behave, Castiel.” He sounds like a disgruntled school teacher chastising a mischievous young child. To him, that was probably all Cas was. A disobedient young boy.

Raphael looms over my bed where I lay, immobilised and frightened, that gruesome smile still in place as he raises his right hand. The blade gleams as he curls his fingers tightly around the handle. I struggle one last time, frantically trying to kick my legs, to run away, to move even a pinkie, to do anything. I can`t. I can`t do anything, can`t even scream.

“Don`t even think about it, Raphael. You`ve done enough harm here.”

Cas jumps to his feet, spitting out a large mouthful of blood just as his brother sends one of those knives flying right at him. It slices through the air beside him, horrifyingly close to his face. The weapon clatters to the floor, its mission foiled for now. Cas picks up the discarded knife along with his own and throws himself at Raphael. This time he was too quick for the archangel to react. The all too familiar knife is just another part of his body, the same way his hands are just an extension of his wrist. The way he handles the blade, with such natural speed and agility, it was hard to think of it as something separate.

“Why are you doing this?”

“I should be the one asking you the very same question, brother,” Raphael spits the word out like a poison. It was clear that any feelings of familial love he had ever felt were long gone. “I will kill you Castiel, and your little friend,” he sneers.

Cas slices the knife along his cheek, missing his eye by millimetres. Raphael doesn`t even wince, and dives his own blade deep into Cas`s shoulder in revenge. No! Stop it! Please! I want to scream, I want to beg, but he won`t let me. Just kill me, but leave Cas alone. Cas hisses at the attack, staggering backwards as Raphael quickly tugs the weapon free of his shoulder. If he was human, I suspected it would be damaged beyond repair, but for an angel, it was merely a very unpleasant, but very survivable wound.

“Give it up, Castiel. It is over. Surrender to me now, to the powers of Heaven, and I might be persuaded to show some mercy when it comes to deciding your punishment. All you have to do is let me dispose of the human distraction.”

Cas plunges his knife into Raphael`s leg, just above his knee with a bloodthirsty cry of “never!” before leaving the blade burrowed deep into his flesh for his brother to deal with. It was buried so deep inside the flesh that half of the handle had been forced through along with the blade, which to my horror, protruded gorily from the other side of his leg, dripping red blood onto the floor.

“I don`t understand why you are doing this. Are you really prepared to give up everything, to turn your back on who you are, on your family, go against your sacred duties, and all for the sake of some human? You`ve always been strange, Castiel,” He scoffs, whilst trying to free the knife from his leg, “never quite like the others, too much of good old dad`s free will in you, but this, this is unbelievable.” He pulls the weapon free with an agonised yell, slashing it across Cas`s chest wildly, but managing to do very little harm, before the damage done to his leg causes him to stumble.

“You are an angel, like it or not. I don`t understand your obsession with this human failure, but you can never be one of them,” Raphael groans in pain as he struggles to return to his feet. He is almost there when his bad leg gives way again.

The invisible weight holding me down lightens ever so slightly. Hardly noticeable at first, but slowly the feeling comes back to my hands and feet. Cas takes advantage of Raphael`s fall and uses it to plunge his own knife, the very same one the high ranking angel had thrown at him earlier, and plunges it deep into his brother`s heart. There is an explosion of blinding light and I`m forced to look away, though I somehow know that Cas hasn`t.

The feeling in my limbs comes back to me in one great big, electrifying rush now. I`d like to say that the first thing I did was race over to Cas, kiss him and never let him go, but I trip over my jellified legs on the way, falling to my knees as a wave of bile erupts from my shaking lips. Cas is there in an instant, bloody and torn and exhausted, but alive. Alive and rubbing soothing circles against my back as he holds me still, ignoring the stench of the sick that stained my chin and shirt.

“It`s over, Dean. You`re alright. Safe. Safe,” he keeps repeating softly into my ear, over and over again. “He can`t hurt you again. You`re safe.”

 

 


	50. Mary

A chair squeaks miserably across the floor. Voices. Lots of voices. Too many voices. Too much noise. I grumble unhappily and sink deeper into my blankets. Weak sunlight trickles in through the open blinds, bathing the room in a gentle glow I groggily try to escape from. Hushed words fill my ears. It was easy to ignore what was being said but it was proving more taxing to block out the noise altogether.  A relieved, breathy sigh, frantic words spilling into each other, a deep, throaty chuckle, all echoing in my ears. It was too much.

I bolt upright, jarring my neck in the process. Cas is there in an instant, tender hands soothing the ache away with cool, careful fingers. “What`s going on here?” I mumble through a yawn, the words coming out garbled.

Cas removes his hand and places it in my own, squeezing lightly.  I look up at him quizzically, confusion settling in the pit of my stomach. To my relief, he looks fine. The perfect vision of good health and invincible youth. There are no signs of his death battle with asshole big bro, Raphael. Not a speck of the bloody, torn mess that monster had made of him remained. Must be one of the benefits of angel power, I suppose. I hadn`t quite come to terms with all of that magical angel crap yet, but I was dealing.

“Dean, darling! Oh, thank goodness you`re alright!” A voice I hadn`t had the displeasure of hearing in months gushes out in one big, desperate breath.

For the first time since opening my eyes I tear my gaze away from Cas to examine the soulless hospital room. Just like with Cas, there room bore no evidence of the scuffle with his demented older brother. The space where his body had lay was squeaky clean and gleaming, scrubbed clean with industrial strength chemicals (or more likely angel mojo) and anything that had been disturbed during the fight had been put right again. God knows what he did with the body, burned it to ash and dumped it in the sea, hopefully. To the left of the bed sat three plastic chairs, all lined up neatly in a row. Cas occupied the one closest to me and I had a sneaky suspicion he hadn`t left my side all night. Not after what happened.

Dad really hadn’t been lying when he said she was getting the first flight out here. I wish he had been.  His leather jacket hung over the back of the second seat, occupied instead by a half drunken cup of ice cold coffee. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to be in the same room as her, but I resented the fact that he had left me here to deal with her alone. She sat there, black legs criss-crossed neatly over each other, pointed black toes pointing directly at me. She looked a mess. I don`t think I`ve ever seen her look less put together. Not even when dad left. This was a woman who corresponded her shoes with her fancy designer bags. Not a woman who wore a full face of smudged red lipstick and watery mascara. She still wasn`t done crying those crocodile tears of hers, but I refused to feel bad for her, refused to feel anything for that traitor.

My grip on Cas tightens. My face darkens, tongue sharpens. “Get out of here.” My voice is sharp, clipped and to the point. No sense in beating around the bush.

“Dean, do you have any idea how worried I was about you when I heard what happened?! You nearly drowned!” Her voice breaks and she wipes the snot from her nose on a cheap tissue from her pocket. “You could have _died_. What happened? What on Earth were you thinking?”

What was I thinking?! What was I thinking? Did she seriously think that this was my fault? Or that I`d planned to do it? What was I fucking thinking? My boyfriend`s crazy family is trying to kill me and I don`t want to die. Please God, let me live. Maybe something along those lines.

Luckily before I can open my mouth and snap again, Cas beats me to it. “Dean was involved in a tragic accident, Mary. We were hanging out on the beach and decided to go for a swim, when a particularly rough wave knocked him off his feet,” he explains smoothly, editing the story into something easier for her to understand.

“And who the hell are you?” Mary snaps at Cas, and I get ready to snap right on back.

“Cas is the one who saved Dean.” The door swings open, revealing a very irate looking John Winchester pushing a very tired, but alive Kate in a wheelchair. Despite her exhaustion and the pain she must be in, she still finds the energy to offer me the brightest smile I`d ever seen her wear. “Without him jumping in after him and calling the emergency services, you might not have a son anymore.” My jaw threatens to drop as Cas and I both listen to him, half in shock, half in awe as he praises Cas for his heroic actions. John strides past his ex-wife without so much as glancing at her, pushing Kate ahead of him and settles back down in his seat, angling it towards me and as far away from her as the small space allowed.  

“I`m so relived you`re alright, honey,” Kate tells me, tucking a stand of hair behind her ear. She turns to Cas, eyes dampening with tears, much to my horror. “Thank you, Castiel. We can`t thank you enough.” She pats him on the cheek. “What a pair we are, eh, Dean?” she giggles, wincing slightly. “Looks like we both had an eventful day yesterday.”

 Mary watches like a venomous snake.

Dad and Kate don`t stay long, because she wants to check on her baby in the special care unit, but she reminds me a final time just how relieved she was that I`m safe. The second the door swings closed, Mary is on her feet and makes to busy herself by fluffing my pillows. “Don`t.” I grab her hand, not roughly, but not kindly either, halting her efforts.

“Can we have a minute?” she asks, sweet as sugar in Cas` direction and it makes me sick. He turns to me and I nod grudgingly. This had to be done, things had to be said. The door swings shit behind him, the promise that he won’t be long lingering in my ears.

“Dean, why are you acting like this? You can`t imagine how worried I was! I jumped on the first plane out, travelled all through the night, haven`t slept and-

“I didn`t ask you to do any of that! I didn’t expect it from the woman who dumped me on a plane halfway round the fricking world!”

“Don`t exaggerate, Dean.” She sniffs. “England is hardly halfway around the world. I didn’t send you to Australia.”

“You might as well have! Just admit it, you didn`t want me anymore.”  
she looks like she`s been possessed. Hair wild, eyes burning, teeth bared like fangs. “That is not true. I only did what was best for you.”

“No,” I said calmly, shaking my head. “You did what was best for you.”

                                                                                                              

                                                                                   

                                                                                                                     


End file.
